“I love you, Jr., and I honestly feel like I don't just feel like you anymore. I think I really love you.” I admit. “This is the first time I've felt like this and I don't know if I understood correctly. Just now I’m only sure of one. I want you with me and I want you always by my side.”
I didn’t hesitate to admit to him how I really felt. I wouldn’t expect him to say he likes me too. But at these times I wish he wouldn’t push me away. Now I can tell him how I really feel. I just hope he still stays by my side.
I also don’t want him to think badly of me. I thought for a long time that he might only consider me a sister. Especially and he doesn’t have a sister.
I also won’t regret my confession. Jr. was the first man I loved and he never showed anything bad to me. So why am I ashamed to admit? It’s better than for the rest of my life to have the regret of why I didn’t tell him how I felt.
"I know." His smiling answer surprised me. I suddenly looked at him as he bent down. "I'm a hypocrite if I tell you that I don't like you either," he added then looked at me.
"Why do you think I treat you differently than other women?" he asked.
"I-I don't know." I'm embarrassed to answer.
"Because I feel differently for you," he added.
I keep quiet because it wasn’t what I expected. I am expecting that he will tell me not to love him because he loves someone else. I was expecting him to say we were just friends because I had no hope in him. I think our friendship ends.
Most of all, I thought I would force myself to love him. Even he can no longer give me back the love I want.
But I was wrong and I didn’t know what to answer.
Because it wasn’t what I expected and I wasn’t prepared for it.
But I was happy to know that the man I first loved liked me.
“I felt that for a long time before you admitted to me Mia, and I also know in myself that I don't just feel like you. I know in myself that I love you as much as you love me. I just can't admit it to you because I can't. I can't because I'm still tied to my past.” Then he averted his gaze and bowed again.
I wanted to cry, I don't know if it was because of the joy that he loved me too or the sadness because he was still tied to his past. But on the other hand I feel happy.
'The man I love loves me too.'
"Jr.,"
"I'm not really free yet," he admitted.
"Why don't you go free?" I ask. “Why don't you give in to how you feel for me. It's okay, isn't it, because she's gone.” Is it a begging or asking?
Whichever of the two is called here I don’t care. Because what I want to happen now is for us to be free both of how we feel. Especially now that he has admitted that he likes me too.
"I don't want to," he said without looking at me. “I'm not ready yet, and I want when I love it's not just the same as my love for Ade. When I love again, I want more than I love her.”
"Why, doesn't she want you to love someone other than her?" He shook his head then looked up. "Is that is, why you can't love me because Ade doesn't want you to have anyone else."
“Ade is kind, I know that if we talk today she will tell me to move on with life. He also wants me to be happy with the woman I love.” Then he looked at me. “The problem is not with her but with me because I can't look at you as you are. Because every time I look at you I see Ade. I will only be unfair to you if I force myself now.”
I bowed because I could feel my tears dripping. I didn't know that Jr. would look at me like that. I thought he would have looked at me as a sister instead of looking at me and Ade is the one he see. It hurts even more and the woman he sees in me has been dead for a long time.
“Apart from the fact that you look alike, you also have the same attitude, it's like I'm talking to Ade every time I talk to you. Like you, I'm the only one who sees Ade's weakness. He only talks to me openly.”
I feel like now that we become friends because he sees Ade in me. I feel there is nothing true in our closeness because I am not his real companion but Ade and his memories. It was as if I had suddenly become the shadow of a dead woman without realizing it.
"You're not going to push me away, are you?" I asked then looked at him. I also don’t know if why did I say that. Why even though I was hurt by what he told me my heart still wanted to be with him. My heart still wants to see Jr. even though it knows that he see other woman in me.
“Will you still let me be by your side always? I will not push you and I will wait when you are ready. Just let me be by your side while you wait for me to be ready to look at me as I am, and not as Ade.”
I saw the redness in his eyes as he looked at me.
"Don't get tired of waiting for me, will you?" I heard the rattle of his voice before bowing. At the same time he shrugged his shoulders. "I love you and that's true, but forgive me because I still can't get rid of my past with Ade." Now I can confirm that he is indeed crying.
I felt sorry for him. My heart ached and I didn’t know why. Found a reason to celebrate. He loves me and that is clear to me and no one else.
“Don't apologize to me because you are not at fault. I am happy to know that you love me too. Just remember that I will wait until your love for me is complete. You can only see me and no one else.”
The splendor of this situation. You both love each other but you can't be. Because one is still tied to his past. But he loves you better because he sees his past with you and then you fool is ok.
I never knew how to prove to myself that I was more deserving than the dead. Hardship outweighs the dead than the living you can keep up with.