I punch the wall to pour out all my resentment. I didn’t cry in front of them because I didn’t want to show them my weakness. My heart has been too heavy for me to carry. Only now did I have the courage to respond and say everything I felt but I was still the one who was bad.
I am bad because I talk back. I had a bad attitude. I am the cause of their suffering.
I didn't ask mama to understand me. Because there is really nothing to understand in what I do. I also don't ask her to support me if we know what I'm doing is wrong. All I ask is that she does not judge me and that she learns to ask me how I am and find out what is in my heart.
That she should ask me questions before judging and hopefully she will listen to my side first. We are all together at home. But I never once heard from her the words ‘how are you?’ And ‘are you, ok?’
Since then she has not cared how I feel. She always found a reason now for me to be more assertive and to be even worse in her eyes. Ever since then, I have been an apparition in her life and in her eyes. Will exist when she wants to be noticed.
I don’t need any understanding of my wrongdoings. All I need is a family that will listen to me and hugs me when I can't handle everything. Especially the hug of a mother. At no time did I feel that way about her even when my work was sober. I see what she sees wrong and it seems like I haven't done anything right in my whole life.
If they only knew I wanted to quit this job but I couldn’t because they were immediately the first thing that came to my mind. Papa, what if there's a sudden emergency with him. Janel, how can she study.
I immediately picked up my cell phone and texted Dylan. I asked him where he was and he immediately replied that he was going home. So I told him to pick me up. I prefer to be with him because he can understand me. Maybe it's because our family doesn't love both of us.
Just a few minutes also passed and I heard the motor stop outside the house. I peeked out the window to see if it was Dylan but I was preceded by the ringing of the cell phone. So instead of reading the text, I peeked out the window to confirm if he was really outside. When I was sure that he was, I immediately went down.
"Mia," Janel called but I ignored her. I didn't even bother to look at them.
"Mia!" Jr.'s voice but I quickly got on the motor.
Because Dylan didn't turn off the engine, he immediately turned off the motor, he definitely didn't hear Jr. I also saw in the side mirror Jr. standing outside the gate.
When I arrived at his house I quickly went downstairs and did not wait for him. I went inside first and immediately went to the refrigerator to get a beer. I sat on the sofa and put my foot on the table then quickly knocked over the bottle.
"Easy, it is too obvious that you have a problem." He laughed and also went to the refrigerator and took beer for him.
"What are you saying?" I asked annoyed. He walked over to me and immediately sat down next to me.
"Do you have a problem?" instead of answering I drank again. He put his left hand on my shoulder while the right one was holding a bottle. "You can share that with me so it won't be too heavy to carry." I looked at him badly.
"I don't know what you're saying." He laughed out loud and then moved on.
“I know you, Mia. So I know if you have a problem. ”
I drank the beer until it was half over and then moved closer to him. I don’t think I can hide my emotions in this ‘crazy’. He really knows how to read my actions.
"When you were with your parents, did you have no problem with your parents?" I asked then looked at him. "I mean, is your relationship with them ok even if you get scolded sometimes?" I added.
He smiled bitterly and then drank. He looked at me while not removing the smile then stroked my whole face with his palm.
“You're cute when you're upset. You should always be upset to always be cute.”
"Asshole."
"Do you think if I'm ok with them I'll run away?" he replied then took the tv remote. "If their mouths are the only problem, I will stay at home and will not run away."
"So, confirm that like me, your mom doesn't love you either?" I laughed because I said he accompanied me too. Then we looked at each other and at the same time stopped then laughed again louder.
“You’re not alone,” he said as he wiped away the tears and so did I. This is what you called laugh until you cry.
“When I was still at home, my mother had nothing but to keep telling me what to do, do it, do it. It's still good like this, it's still good like that. I wouldn't have had a problem with that, the only thing I didn't like was that he had favoritism towards us, and I was always the one who made the deal.”
"Because you are the eldest and should be responsible?" I asked as he laughed.
"How did you know? Is your mother like that too?”
"Yes, so I'm right?"
He nodded and then sighed.
“Yes, but I accept that and what she said is true. But what I don't understand is why they force me to do what I don't want just because I'm the eldest. But of course, I have no choice, I am happy to have a family. But I can't accept that when my brothers and sisters make a mistake, the blame is on me because I'm the older brother. When she is angry with my brothers she is also angry with me. When she's mad at me it's just only me. Unfair isn’t it? Then she will tell me how I can get married if I am not responsible for my siblings and myself,” he said.
"Dylan," I called to him but I wasn't looking.
"Why?"
"Are we selfish because we choose what we want and we put aside what they feel?" then I looked at him.
"Yes," he replied as he stared into my eyes.
"Yes?" I repeat with a question.
“Yes. Especially on our works now. We know it will ruin us and they also have a chance that they will get affected. But we still chose to do it even though we knew that when we were caught, we would not be the only ones to be embarrassed but also them because they are our family.”
In this conversation, Dylan and I understand each other. Because we have the same point of view and even sometimes we are opposite, in the end, we still have the opinion.
"So you mean, selfish all children who choose to be free and follow what they want for their happiness?" I asked him.
"Yes."