"Did you see what happened to papa?" I ask. “Do you think if I will not do this we will survive?”
"Mia ---" He held my hand that was on the table but I immediately grabbed it.
"I only made a small sacrifice, so that my sister would not stop for her studies and help mama with her needs." Then I popped the cigar.
"You can help in other ways."
"What ways?" I asked but he did not answer. "What do you think is the way I can do to keep my sister from dropping out?"
"There are many, in the right way that you don't put yourself in harm's way."
"Will it meet my family's needs?"
I heard her deep sigh as she looked at me.
"Will it fit?"
"I don't know, and I'm sorry because it didn't happen to me either."
“You don't know what happened Jr. because it didn't happen to you. You left me, didn't you?” Fuck this fucking eyes, don't cry or I will poke you.
“You don't know because you are not there because you are looking for yourself. Congrats, because it looks like you found it.” Simultaneously look at him from head to toe. "While I'm here, I don't know myself." I don’t blame him and I don’t blame anyone. Because I like what happened in my life right now.
"Mia -----"
“I don't blame you because I wanted it. All I'm telling you is that you have no right to ask me what happened to me. You have no right to question me whether what I am doing is right or wrong. Because you weren't there to help me with what happened to me. The more you don't know what I've been through.”
"I promised I'll be back, didn't I?"
“Yes, but do you really think I can wait for you? With all that has happened Jr., do I still hope that someone you will come back to me?”
He shook his head and then immediately reached for my hand which I quickly avoided.
“Shall I wait for you first and shall I wait for you to come? When I know that our lives do not depend on you.”
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I wasn't there when you fought alone, Mia."
“I just became practical, Jr., because I knew I wasn’t alone in life. I chose to be like this for the good of my family.”
"But you're ruined in the eyes of other people." I laughed. Laughter with bitterness.
"I don't care what their opinion is, because they don't give us a single peso."
Then I looked at him and smiled.
‘I would have waited for you if only all this hadn’t happened.'
"I'm here now, Mia, I'm back for you as I promised."
"I'm happy, someone else makes me happy."
"I'm will not leave again, I promise no that matter what happens I will stay,"
I smirked at him and then threw the cigar.
"Are you saying let's be ok again?"
"Yes."
"It's like you told me that I will leave Dylan." He didn’t respond to what I said so I looked at him. "I won't leave him because you come back. Besides, I know we haven't been, have we?"
Even though we felt the same way then, our relationship didn’t have a label. In other words, he is not my boyfriend. Most of all I wouldn’t leave the person who is with me during those times when I barely knew myself. The person who supports me even when the path I have taken is wrong. I didn't even go the right way but he didn't leave me.
"Do you still love me?" he asked while looking straight into my eyes so I met him too.
Do I even love him?
I am a hypocrite if I will say no. Because I know in myself what is true. I know what the correct answer to his question is. For a long time, I was not with him and did not see him. He has never been removed from my heart and mind. I am even more convinced now that I still love him now I am facing him.
"Yes," I answered without pretending.
“I love you too, Mia. You, the Mia that I love,”
"I love Dylan, too," I said while sighing. "Between the two of you he is more deserving because I met him at a time when my life was chaotic, but he didn't leave me and he stayed by my side."
"Does he love you?"
“Based on what he shows? The answer is yes. ”
“If he loves you, he won't let you get into that. He will not include you in the turbulent world he has entered.”
I didn't answer so he was surprised when I stared at him.
“Mia,”
"Don't judge him because you don't know him," I began. “Don't question his love for me. Because he never left me just for his own sake. It wasn’t Dylan who got me into this work. I took the initiative so that I would not be a burden to him.”
Even though I love him he has no right to question Dylan’s love for me. Who is he to ask me if Dylan’s love is real or not. No one could question me then. Because I am, more than anyone I know Dylan loves me in a way he knows.
"I'm sorry," he apologized.
"It's okay," I replied then stood up. Because it looks like our conversation is over. "I'm leaving, it looks like I've already told you what I want to say and you've heard what you want to hear."
I was surprised because he suddenly stood up and hugged me. I feel my knees soften and I want to give up. It's like I'm back to where I used to be weak. My body felt like it had returned to its true home. In the former refuge where there is true peace and quiet.
In Jr.'s arm.
I wanted to hug her back and cry. Report everything that happened to me and shed all my tears to reduce my burden. But I’m afraid to do that because maybe when I put my arm around his body I won’t want to let go of him anymore.
“I still love you, Mia, I love you as you are. Whatever you are, whoever you are. I love you as Mia.” I heard the rattle of his voice.
“I hope you felt that before. I hope you don't leave to think that you love me. Sorry but it's too late for us. The two of us are done. Now, before we part ways I will finish that we had.”
Then I pushed him slowly.
“Mia,”
“Let's not hurt ourselves J. Let's be friends like before. When we didn't admit how we felt so we wouldn't both get hurt."
I noticed that he simply wiped his eyes and then smiled.
If only this was the way to calm my heart. Even if it hurts I will accept.
"Can we?" I ask.
"Yes," he nodded and smiled. "If that can give you peace of mind, I agree."