ELIZABETH POV
Finally I'm free. Free from all the stress, free from all the emptiness, free from all the loneliness, and most of all, free from Xander. Ugh YUS!
I must be lying down on my heavenly bed. I frown, are all heaven beds have scratchy sheets? Or really thin blankets? What is that sound? Beeping? What the hell?!
I open my eyes. Ugh it didn't work! I'm in a hospital bed! My vision goes down to my wrists, there were thick bandages on it. I'm wearing a hospital gown. Great! It's the kind where my ass hangs out in the back for all the world to see.
I felt someone holding my hand. I look down and couldn't really process what I was seeing. I come face to face with a sleeping Xander. He was sitting on a small plastic seat and his head was lying on the side of my bed with his hand in mine. Why is he here? I couldn't understand what would bring him to my bed side.
I weakly and slowly remove my hand from his. He starts to stir in his sleep. He's about to wake up! I panicked for a moment and so I close my eyes and pretend that I'm asleep. I am so childish sometimes.
I can feel him sit up on his chair, staring at me.
"You're not very good at pretending Izzy. I know you're awake."
Damn! I thought I was doing so well! I open my eyes. Wow he looks...horrible. His stubble has grown into a beard. His hair is everywhere. His eyes are red with purple bags under them. He looks a if he's been worrying himself to death. But why would he be worried?
"How long have I been out?" My voice is all dry and raspy.
"You've been out for a week Izzy." His voice was also was raspy and dry as if he'd had no sleep at all.
A week! Damn! I must have bled out heaps...wait a minute...IZZY?!? I stare at him wide eyed. He knows? How the hell does he know? Did Mrs Nightwalker tell?
"My name is Lizzy," I said weakly.
His eyes were soft as well as his voice,"It was the necklace. When I found you, your necklace, well...my necklace was showing."
"Why are you here Xander?" I ask cautiously.
He leans back in his chair, "I came because I want to make things right."
I scoff, "Make things right."
Guilt was reflecting in his eyes as he stared at the sheets of my bed as if they were the most interesting thing in the whole world, "Izzy-"
"Don't call me that!" I snarled, "I am not Izzy to you anymore."
He looks at me, "Why did you hide who you were to me when you first came to the pack?"
I shook my head, "I don't know, maybe its because my mate who is this psychotic Alpha just attacked my pack, practically kidnapped me, and treated me like shit. Why would I want to reveal myself, in fact why would it matter to you at all since you don't seem to give a shit about mates anyway? Why would I set myself up to be hurt like that?"
He nods his head slowly, "That's fair enough." He agreed quietly.
"Yeah I know that it's fucking fair enough." We sit in silence. I watch his big figure sitting in such a small hospital chair twirling something in his hand. It was my necklace, or I guess his necklace...technically, "Why are you here, Xander?" I am so confused. Why is he even here? He seems so...concerned?
"I'm not a good man, Elizabeth," He said through a strained voice, "I'm not trying to disregard the hurt I've caused you. What I did was...unforgivable."
I sat still listening.
"I tried to hurt you and push you away because I was driven by my fear and desperation to protect you. I couldn't let what was in me touch you. I've...I've hurt people." He was clenching his jaw as his eyes were blinking away tears. He gulps, "I've hurt people I cared about, Elizabeth. And I was driven by the fear that I might hurt my mate one day. I was desperate to prevent that from happening. I thought it better if I hurt you emotionally and push you away than accidentally killing you."
I frowned, "How would you accidentally kill me?"
As he twirled the tattered necklace in his hand he explained, "When I was a young pup, I was kidnapped. I was taken to this facility where they were experimenting on us, training us up to be these monsters. I was one of the stronger ones, so they used to torture me and train my mind to go into this beast mode."
My heart couldn't help but feel for him. He is my mate afterall.
"I was there for years. But then I escaped and ran back home. I was a completely different person. I was this...monster. I had no feeling of remorse for any bad thing I did. Because of the conditioning I went through in that hellhole, I would go through these random manic episodes where I would turn into this monster because I thought I was still back at that facility."
He releases a big sigh, "That's why my father built that cage, so than I wouldn't accidentally kill anyone or hurt myself in the process."
We sat in silence for a while as I was trying to process what he was telling, "How long had it been since your last episode?"
"It's been three years."
I frowned, "Why would you try push me away if you haven't had one in years?"
He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, "Because I didn't want to take the chance. I didn't want to wake up one day and realise that I killed you because I had an episode again."
Xander hurt me...because he thought I should have a better mate than him. In a way it was sweet, but in another way it was dumb. It is my choice if I want to leave or not. He took that away from me.
"I understand where you're coming from, Xander. But, that was not your decision to make. Why not just explain all of this to me from the start?" I whispered.
He nods, "Because I'm an idiot! I thought I was doing the right thing. But I know that I shouldn't have done such things." He looks up at me, "I was going to go and apologise to you in your room, but you were already gone." He confessed
I nod slowly in understanding, my mind was working overtime, trying to comprehend this new Xander.
I take a deep breathe.
"Xander." He lifts his head and stares at me in the eyes, "You hurt me," I told him, "To the point where I wanted to end my own life," I saw him clench his jaw as he gulps nervously, "I understand what you told me. I understand the decisions you made, thinking it was for my benefit," I shook my head and looked at my hands, "But the damage has already been done. You can't undo the hurt you caused me."He looks at my eyes and slowly nods his head as if he knew what I was about to do.
"I don't trust you," I said, "And I'm not sure if I can forgive you."
He sighs in defeat, "I know."
I look at him and I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking I was about to reject him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it. But then what would I go back to? My father? My step-brother? But then the thought of staying with Xander had caused my anxiety to skyrocket. However that's because of the Xander I had seen. I don't know this Xander that's in front of me, the true one.
I felt like I was going to regret giving him a second chance. A part of me felt like it was weak and that I was being naive. But then the fact is, is that Xander is messed up. And in his messed up way, he thought he was doing the right thing.
If I were to leave him, I would want to leave him knowing that at least he tried and I tried too.
I sighed, "I don't know who you are," I stated, "But I am willing to get to know you and for you to show me why I should stay."
He becomes still and stares at my face in what seemed like shock, "You're gonna stay?"
Am I gonna regret this? Most likely, "Yes I'll stay. But this doesn't mean I trust or forgive you because I don't."
He nods his head, "I understand."
"And it doesn't mean we're gonna act like we're this couple." I clarified.
He leans forward, "We'll go slow. All I wanted is a chance. That's enough for me. And I''l try my best to earn your trust and forgiveness again." His jaw clenches before he said through a strained voice, "And at the end... if you find that you still can't trust me...or forgive me," He glances down at the necklace in his hand before looking at my eyes with an intensity, "Then I'll let you go...if at the end that is what you truly want."
I sat there silent a little taken back at how understanding he was. Xander stands up from the chair. He takes my hand and places the necklace in it, "I do want you to understand something thought, Elizabeth. I am a selfish man. I want you all to myself and I've been fighting that. I wish I didn't waste all that time hurting when I could've spent the time getting to know you. And I know you probably think this is some kind of sick joke...but it isn't. I'm gonna get us there, Izzy. I'm gonna fight for us until you won't let me anymore."
I've been in the pack hospital for a couple of days now. I'm still processing what Xander said to me. Through the past couple of days I've been going on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Mostly being doubtful and hopeless. Figuring out whats real and what's not.
I've been feeling better physically, however as I move around in my bed I noticed my legs are aching a lot and I didn't know why since I cut my wrists. I would've expected my arms to be more immobile.
"How're you feeling?" Xander asks as he sat next to my bed.
I rub my head gently, "I'm feeling okay, just a little dizzy still."
immediately Xander stood up, "I'll get the doctor."
"Oh no really it's fine. I'm ok-" he's already gone out the door.
I didn't know how I feel about Xander. He hasn't said much to me, but he's been doing a lot. He's gotten me food, clothes, and also my poem book. He told me how he read it and saw that it was completely full. So he went to the store and bought me a brand new one. This one had a black leather cover with a wolf engraved in it.
I mean yeah it's cool, but I still didn't feel good about him. A part of me is expecting this to be all fake. If it was...I'll run away. Far away. I'll run and find my brother.
Doctor Carmen comes in with a bright smile. Xander follows behind her glaring at the back of her head.
She approaches me with a gentle and encouraging smile, "Hello Luna. I've heard that you re feeling dizzy?"
I nod weakly.
"And my muscles are really sore still, I thought it would go away, but it hasn't..and please just call me Lizzy."
She nods understandingly as she looks at her clipboard, the usual doctorly thing to do, "Yes...well. Because you've experienced severe blood loss. Your arms healed faster because it's a smaller area of muscle ass compared to your legs. Especially for females, their hips and legs tend to be naturally stronger than a male's so when there is nutritional as well a substantial amount of blood loss, your legs will be a lot weaker."
I start to get scared. Am I going to be okay? "Will it leave any permanent damages to my body?" I asked a little worried for my health. Xander becomes tense as I asked the question. He takes a step forward toward my bed as if for comfort.
The doctor lifted her head from her board and says, "Luna-I mean, Lizzy, your legs are going to be very weak, so you will need someone to help you travel around the place a little bit. But don't worry, as long as you get plenty of rest, exercise and good nutrition you'll recover quickly," I sighed in relief, "Would you like a wheel chair to make it easier for you to get your way around, Lizzy?"
I scrunched my nose and shook my head, "No thank you. I think I would rather just try my best to walk. I will use it as my exercise."
The doctor smiles and nods her head, "Very well. One other option is a caregiver, I have a male who is an expert at these kinda of things. He knows stretches, massages and exercises that will help. And he can carry you around as well. He is very strong and very professional."
I opened my mouth to reply, however, a deep growl resonates from Xander's chest.
"No." He says firmly, "If she needs help, I'll do it, if she needs a massage, I'll do it, if she needs to exercise, I'll do it! If someone needs to carry her...I'll do it! Not another male so don't ever suggest such a thing to my mate again."
The doctor had a glimpse of fear in her eyes. She bowed her head and said, "Of course Alpha...forgive me. I was only thinking of the Luna's health." She then silently walks out of the door.