Ashteroh Alexeev
I know something's bothering Nathalie. I asked her for how many times but she refused to say anything. Maybe she's not comfortable with me on that level yet. She's still secretive. But I want to respect her privacy. Ayokong pilitin siya, ayokong masakal siya sa relasyon namin.
I just wait for her to open up. Inisip ko na lang na siguro magiging komportable na siyang magsabi sa bakasyon namin bukas. Talagang pinaghandaan ko 'yon. Pasasayahin ko siya nang sobra para mawala na ang bigat sa dibdib n'ya. Gusto ko rin na maging komportable na siya sa akin.
I sincerely love her. I love her so much. I don't know why I love her this much even though we just spent a little time together... Maybe it's because she's beautiful inside and out. She may be a thief but she's generous and softhearted. She may be a little stupid and crazy but she always makes me smile every single day. I can't stop thinking about her even at work, even at the middle of my missions with the feroci.
She's really one of a kind. She's the woman that I would never want to let go. I'm crazy over her. I just tried my best not to show her how crazy I am for her. I don't want to scare her... but damn, I love her so much.
“Edi sinasagot na kita ngayon,” Nathalie said while smiling.
I know there's really something wrong when she suddenly agreed to become my girlfriend. Hindi na lang ako nag-isip ng kung ano. I will never doubt her. I know she's just stressed out about something that she couldn't tell yet.
I'll just wait for her to open up.
But maybe, trusting and loving her too much is not the right thing to do.
“P're, gising!”
I woke up from Cad's hard slap. I groaned and touched my temple. I felt a little dizzy. What happened? Nathalie and I were just talking last night and I suddenly fell asleep. Gano'n ba ako kapagod?
“Damn, why did you slap me, asshole?!” I hissed and pushed Cadence away from me.
“Malamang! Tingnan mo muna ang sitwasyon sa labas bago ka magalit diyan!” asik ni Cad saka basta na lang ako hinila palabas ng silid. Dali dali n'ya 'kong pinapunta sa sala.
The first thing I noticed is my secret room. Nakabukas ang pinto no'n... at wala ng laman.
“Hindi lang 'yan, pare. Wala ring malay ang mga tauhan mo sa labas,” Cad said.
“Shit, where's Nathalie?! Did something happen to her?!” I asked, almost panicking.
Cad looked at me with no hint of humor in his eyes. He looked serious. He sighed and tapped my shoulder.
“You should already know the answer to that question, man. Wala namang ibang makakagawa nito kundi si Nathalie lang,” seryosong sabi ni Cad.
I refused to believe that. I know she will never do that to me. We both love each other... She's a thief but she will never betray me.
“See? I told you,” Cad said while watching the CCTV footage with me.
My whole body trembled. I don't know what to feel, if I should be mad or sad first. My mind is already processing the fact that Nathalie betrayed my but my heart is still hoping... my heart is still hoping that this is just a nightmare. My heart still believes that Nathalie can't do this to me... She said... she said she loves me too.
“What are you gonna do now, Ashteroh?” Cad asked and put his hands on his pocket.
“Find her... I-I will kill her myself,” I mumbled, still absentminded.
Natawa nang mapakla si Cadence. “Sa hitsura mo ngayon, mukhang wala kang balak patayin siya. Mukhang luluhod ka pa sa harapan n'ya kapag nakita mo siya,” napapailing na sabi ni Cad.
Hindi ako nagsalita. I don't know why I didn't defend myself on his claim... maybe because I'm not sure too. Pakiramdam ko nga ay yayakapin ko pa siya kapag nakita ko siya.
“Dinudungisan mo ang reputasyon ng feroci, pare. Naloko ka ng babae nang gano'n gano'n lang? Ikaw ang may pinakamalakas na pakiramdam sa 'tin. Dapat naramdaman mo na noong nagpa-plano pa lang siya. Bakit? Ano ba'ng ginawa mo? Sinabi mo sa isip mo na hindi magagawa 'yon ni Nathalie dahil mahal n'yo ang isa't isa? Psh, what a gibberish,” Cad said and grinned.
I didn't say anything. My heart is still processing everything. I don't know what to do anymore... My whole body is still shaking with mixed and unknown emotions.
“Hindi mo muna dapat siya hanapin sa lagay na 'yan, e. Malakas ang pakiramdam ko na sasalubungin mo pa ng halik 'yon pag nakita mo ulit. Mag-ipon ka naman ng galit, pare. Nakakahiya 'yan. Hindi dapat tayo nababaliw sa babae,” napapailing na sabi ni Cadence.
I TRIED to find her. Inutusan ko si Cad na hanapin si Nathalie pero wala siyang naitulong sa akin. I just tried to find her myself... but I know Cad is concealing it. I don't know what's his agenda... but maybe he thinks that I'll shower Nathalie with kisses once I saw her again.
Siguro nga ay mas mabuti na ang ganito. Susubukan kong mag-ipon ng galit sa kanya... Cad is right. I shouldn't be this pathetic and desperate when I face her again. I have to deal with her properly... I shouldn't be like this... She deserves to face my wrath, not my hugs and kisses.
I'm so fucked up.
“Why the hell are you here?” I asked Cad. He just suddenly get in my car.
“Ihatid mo muna ako sa bar ko, pare. Nawawala susi ng kotse ko,” sabi n'ya saka ngumiti pa sa akin.
I just fought the urge to beat the hell out of him. I sighed and was about to drive when I saw a familiar back of a woman. He hair is colorful to... just like Nathalie's hair before.
I immediately went out of my car and ran to that woman's direction. I held her shoulder and made her face me... Halata namang nagulat siya sa ginawa ko.
“Hey! What are you doing?! Pervert ka ba?!” asik ng babae saka agad na inalis ang pagkakahawak ko sa kanya.
I was beyond disappointed when I saw her face. I just laughed bitterly and fought the sudden urge to punch myself. What the hell am I thinking?
Cad is right. I'm desperate indeed.
I became close with that woman, Thalia. She's just like Nathalie. Her hair, her actions, her words... everything she does reminds me of Nathalie... and it makes me happy.
“I like you, Nathalie,” I murmured while staring at her.
Thalia chuckled. “Is that really for me, Ashteroh? Let me remind you that my name is Nathalia, not Nathalie,” she said, laughing.
“Oh... I-I was just absentminded,” I said and avoided her gaze.
What the fuck am I thinking? I know I like Thalia. But why am I always seeing Nathalie in her? They're different people. I shouldn't be this pathetic.
“Mukhang may naipon ka ng galit, pare... Sasabihin ko na sa 'yo kung nasaan talaga si Nathalie, my friend,” nakangising sabi ni Cad saka umakbay sa akin.
Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng dapat kong maramdaman. I spent 3 years building up all the resentment I felt towards Nathalie... I'll make her suffer. I know I can do it. I prepared myself for this.
“Mr. Alexeev, she's one of the managers in charge, Ms. Nathalie Mariano.”
I can't take my eyes off her... I admit, she became more beautiful. Her black hair suits her, but I guess I love her colorful hair more... So she became a manager, huh.
Sinaway ko ang sarili ko sa isip ko. What the hell am I thinking?! What the fuck is this feeling? I shouldn't be proud of her. That woman betrayed me for money... I shouldn' have any lingering feelings for her now. I should focus on Thalia... Thalia is the one I like... Yeah, that's right. I don't love Nathalie. I don't love her anymore.
“Tangina. Sobrang trying hard mo naman, pare! Hindi gano'n magpahirap ang miyembro ng feroci, dude. Ginawa mong katulong? What the fuck, pare? Patawa ka,” natatawang sabi ni Cad.
I cleared my throat and drank the coffee that Nathalie bought me earlier. Wala ng init ang kape pero ininom ko pa rin. Iniwan n'ya 'to sa lobby kanina nang dumating si Thalia. Pasimpleng kinuha ko na lang 'yon kanina nang umalis sila. Sayang naman ang pagod ni Nathalie kung hindi ko iinumin. Ibinigay ko na lang kay Cad ang kapeng ibinigay sa akin ni Thalia.
I stopped drinking my coffee when I realized the foolishness I did. What the fuck, Ashteroh? I'm making her suffer. Dapat wala akong pakialam kung mapagod man siya o masayang ang effort n'ya.
“Hey, sa 'yo na 'to. I shouldn't be drinking that,” I said and gave the coffee to Cad.
Cad let out a loud laugh. “Dude, tinatarantado mo ba ako? Ibibigay mo pa sa 'kin, e, naubos mo na?!”
I cleared my throat and scratched my nape. “Oh, really? I just... didn't notice,” I said and avoided his gaze.
“Sus, baka ayaw mo lang talaga ipainom sa akin dahil si Nathalie ang bumili kaya inubos mo na. Putangina, sobrang pabebe. Parang gago,” napapailing na sabi ni Cad.
I don't know too... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My purpose is to make her suffer. What am I doing? I should be doing something more than this.
“Ashteroh, aren't you being a little too sweet and showy? This is not you anymore. You're not like this,” Thalia said while I'm hugging her from behind.
I just cleared my throat. “Ahm... What are you talking about? I'm always sweet,” I murmured, trying to convince her and myself.
Why do I want to show Nathalie that I'm sweet and showy towards Thalia? What am I trying to prove? This is not the right way to torture her... I'm sure she doesn't love me anymore. She even chose money over me... So what am I thinking?
I tried to be cold and ruthless towards Nathalie... but I always find myself being concerned about her. I don't like it when she's with that hotel owner. I don't like it when she's tired or getting sick. I know this is ridiculous but I'm so confused by my own actions and feelings. I'm so fucked up.
“What do you mean?” Thalia asked.
I looked at my peripheral vision. I know Nathalie is watching us... Hindi makakatakas sa akin kahit maliit na kilos n'ya.
“I'm serious about you. It doesn't matter if you still love him, I can be your rebound. I can take care of you too like he did... and besides, I don't see Nathalie in you. I really like you, Thalia,” I said while staring at her.
I know I did like Thalia. I'm concerned about her, I genuinely care for her... but I know this is not something like I felt towards Nathalie.
Naramdaman kong tumalikod na si Nathalie at lumabas ng hotel room... Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko. Ano ba ang nararamdaman n'ya ngayon? Nagseselos ba siya? Nasasaktan ba siya?
“Wala na si Nathalie, okay ka na ba?”
Natigilan ako sa tanong ni Thalia. “W-What do you mean?” I cleared my throat and avoided her gaze.
“You don't like me, Ashteroh... Well, I can feel your genuine care for me. But you don't like me romantically... Ramdam ko naman,” Thalia said ang sighed.
I didn't say anything... I'm always convincing myself that I like her... But now, I don't know what think or say.
“Sinasakyan ko na lang ang trip mo nitong mga nakaraang araw... Gusto ko rin kasing makatulong sa 'yo kahit sa ganitong paraan. You helped me when I was at my weakest... H'wag kang mag-alala dahil hindi naman ako nagagalit na ginagamit mo ako para magselos siya. Alam ko naman 'yon at hinayaan ko lang dahil ginagamit din kita.” Thalia smiled bitterly. “I'm using you too. I'm using you to avoid myself thinking about Xeon... So, we're using each other. Well, we care for each other, we like each other... but we will never see each other romantically. Alam kong gano'n din ang nararamdaman mo, Ashteroh. Natatakot ka lang na umamin kay Nathalie. Natatakot ka lang na lokohin ka n'ya ulit. Natatakot ka lang na masaktan n'ya ulit... Pero alam ko kung ano ang totoong nararamdaman mo sa kanya,” dagdag pa ni Thalia.
Thalia's words lingered in my mind all night. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.
“Mahal kita,” Nathalie muttered while staring at me.
It feels like the world stopped rotating for a moment. I don't know what to say or do on that moment... She loves me. She still loves me.
“Calm down,” I murmured while staring at the ceiling.
I touched my chest and I fought the urge to slap myself when I felt my heart beating like crazy. Halos hindi ko na alam kung gaano ako katagal nakahiga at nakatitig sa kisame. Pino-proseso ko sa isip ko ang mga sinabi ni Nathalie kanina.
Damn, she said I'm her weakness. She said she loves me.
“Damn you, Ashteroh. Don't smile,” I said to myself and touched the corner of my lips.
Tangina. Galit dapat ako sa kanya. Bakit ako kinikilig?
I sighed and hugged a pillow when I remembered the last words she said... She'll give up her love for me. She seemed serious. It seems like she finally decided. What should I do?
Natigilan lang ako sa pag-iisip nang tumunog na naman ang phone ko. Kanina ko pa hindi pinapansin 'yon dahil may iniisip ako.
“Tsk, abala,” I mumbled and took my phone from the bedside table.
I answered it immediately when I saw Cad's name there.
“Ano na naman?!” I shouted and threw the pillow somewhere.
“Hello, p're. Nasa ospital kami ni Thalia. Nabaril si Nathalie at inooperahan ngayon. Incase lang na curious ka,” sabi nito.
My forehead creased. “What the fuck are you saying?”
“Aw, ayaw talaga maniwala kapag ako ang nagsasabi... Nabaril nga si Nathalie. Binaril ni Xeon. Medyo kritikal ang lagay kasi sa tiyan binaril. Incase lang na curious ka.”
My body went numb. I know Cadence is foolish but I know he won't make a prank like this. My heart beats faster and my body trembled in fear... Ang tagal na noong huli akong nakaramdam ng ganitong takot.
“Gusto sana kita ipakausap kay Thalia para maniwala ka. Kaso dalawang oras na siyang umiiyak dito. Hindi na siya makakausap nang ayos... Pero may sinabi siya kanina. Nakikiusap siya sa 'yo na kahit gaano ka kagalit... h'wag mo raw papatayin si Xeon.”
Hindi ako sumagot. Nanginginig ang mga kamay na pinatay ko ang tawag saka tinawagan si Zakarius.
“Hello,” he said in a cold tone on the other line.
My hand is still trembling. My eyelids became heavy and my vision started to become blurry... I'm so scared. I'm fucking scared.
“Zak... D-Do you still remember Xeon Leclarc?” I asked, my voice is shaking.
“Yeah. He's an ORB member, our ally. Why did you ask?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and clenched my fist... My anger is clouding my judgement right now.
“I will fucking kill that asshole, Zakarius. I will kill an ORB member... with or without your permission.”