Months Later
Looking at my reflection now I realize how I am no longer that girl who entered this mansion months ago the marks on my body and big scars showed it, I tried to process all the times my fallen angel slapped my face, pulled my hair or when he hit me with his leather belts but my mind couldn't process it as my screams of pain and suffering caused joy and I could even say that it made me hornier to see myself feeling all the pain possible for a woman to feel. Every time I came in the midst of my screams and cries I felt that a little piece of me died on that bed and a part of me was reborn.
- I love you so much, why do you make me suffer and feel pain like this?
I hold his shirt as if with that simple gesture I could feel his embrace even though I never received one in all these months, maybe the hardest part is pretending that I don't miss it even though I do. As crazy as it sounds I ended up falling in love with my fallen angel, I don't know when it happened or how I ended up letting this feeling reign in my heart but it happened. It could be my neediness or the simple fact that he was my only companion, I tried desperately to explain why I fell in love with a man as cruel as him but I couldn't. I had a moment of denial, mainly because of the fact that he was my only companion.
I had a moment of denial, especially when I cried like a child when he had sex with me after a whole day of menstrual cramps, I have always had a very complicated menstrual cycle with horrible cramps and high flow, it improved a little with the contraceptive even though I still have cramps that take away my peace, being always submissive and obedient prevented me from saying that I was not well.
That night was the first time that I got beaten by one of his leather belts, besides the pain of menstruation that was coming because of the cramps that I felt, I had to endure the pain in my back from the seven times that I was belted, soon after he wanted to have sex with me, his expression of satisfaction was what made me sad and at the same time confused.
I don't believe that he has been like that since he was younger, I once read that a big disappointment can change the way we see the world and how we deal with situations in our lives. Something very bad happened to my fallen angel for him to be so cruel, I need to find out what it is to try to understand him. Usually my routine is always the same, I wake up very late to try to recover my body from the beatings, have a light snack, walk around the big mansion looking for something to do and do meditation as well.
Sometimes my fallen angel comes to have dinner with me but most of the time he only comes very late and I already know that I should wait for him in the entertainment room, preferably naked, beautiful and smelling as Dario likes. That is the only moment that Dario is only mine, even though I am being beaten, feeling pain and suffering at his hands, sometimes without him noticing I could smell his delicious masculine perfume holding his neck while he pulled my hair very hard, Dario became everything to me even though he was my worst tormentor.
Today I knew I wouldn't have his company, this morning he mentioned that he had a family dinner that even though he didn't want to go he would have to attend, Dario didn't love his family on the contrary he seemed to dislike everything that was connected to his parents and siblings. I found out many things about his life as for example the fact that he has a sister younger than me and Saul but he did not seem to feel much appreciation for the two, it seems he has a certain rivalry with his father because he wants to assume power in his place for this to happen the father demanded that he marry but my fallen angel does not want this.
But I know he won't be able to run away from that, when he has to get married I can't help but wonder what will happen to me, maybe I will go to a brothel as he mentioned when we met or he will kill me, in both options I wouldn't be with Dario, and that made me sick with sadness, but I know this is something inevitable.
I have a notebook where I put everything I think about, and in it I put three lines of thoughts about my relationship with Dario. I always go to this notebook when I feel lost and feel like talking, I start reading out loud to feel at least the company of my own voice.
First, I love Dario Albertini with all my strength. Second, he doesn't love me I imagine he will never have this feeling for me, I am his toy and nothing more. Third, Dario Albertini can never know that I am in love with him because when he does, he won't miss the opportunity to trample on my heart as if my feeling for him meant nothing!
The third line of thought was the one I clung to the most as if it were my anchor in the midst of the stormy sea I was living, I could endure all the beatings and beatings but I don't know if I could bear the pain of rejection.
I would a thousand times rather he kept using me as his toy if he got tired of me and discarded my existence in his life than have him humiliate me for the simple fact that I feel something so beautiful for him even though I don't deserve it.
Here in this great mansion, I had no friends, only my books that were my great companions and myself, but today, as every Friday, I decided to spy on the cleaning lady who came to dust, but as always she didn't stay long, because living here for so many months I started to do the cleaning of the house, it was good to occupy my time and distract my head besides meditation and books.
I liked to spy on the cleaning lady, who must have been my age while she removed non-existent dust from the furniture, she is pretty and always had a smile on her face but I could see that her look was sad as if something bad was happening to her. I wanted so much to talk to her, to be able to console her hurt heart and maybe also have a consolation coming from her, I could have a beautiful friendship with her, I would show her my books and I could even lend some to her but that would be such a distant dream that I could only imagine what it would be like.
Suddenly she sat on the floor of the room staring at the cloth in her hand as if she was thinking about something, she soon began to cry with sobs as if she was suffocating.
At that moment I realized two things: first that I didn't like to see anyone cry and second that I didn't like to see my imaginary friend who was real cry, I know it's crazy and I could never do this but I felt the need to go to her even at the risk of my life for this. In cautious steps I arrived behind her giving a strong hug to that girl who seemed to suffer as I did.
- I don't know who you are, or why you are crying, but you have a friend in me and you can cry on my shoulder that I will always be here for you.
That girl hugged me as if she needed that hug very much but she had no notion that I needed that hug too. Without realizing I was crying along with her, kneeling there on the floor hugging a stranger I knew that comfort in difficult moments came from those we least imagined.
I took her hand in silence and took it to the kitchen, placing a large piece of chocolate cake on a dessert plate along with a glass of passion fruit juice.
- I am not your boss, at most I am someone who is less fortunate than you in life or we may be in the same social position but serving different interests. So don't wait for my permission to eat, just eat!
- Thank you, I am Luana Vitorino, I am a maid for the Albertini family, who are you?
Although we were both afraid of having this close contact after months of watching her, I wasn't so worried about it at that moment, otherwise I wouldn't have even gone to her.
- I'm Cecilia, and I don't really know what I am in the Albertini family but let's not get hung up on those details, shall we?
Luana smiled, eating her cake with a satisfied expression. She is blonde, light-eyed and really very beautiful - she looks like a princess.
- I always wanted to know who lived here in this mansion, I know that Mr. Albertini only comes here at night because my brother is the soldier who stays at the guardhouse of the mansion but he told me that here was a girl my age living in the mansion but could never talk to you. An order from the boss that should not be disregarded.
- Well for your crying and mine we are doomed anyway but tell me what is the reason for your crying? Then I'll tell you why I cried along with you.
Luana took a sip of juice, I imagine, to get up the courage to tell what was happening to her, I held her hand to give her courage and, deep down, to have it too.
- I was 15 when it happened the first time, I hated it when he touched me and I hate it to this day, but how do I get him to stop? I am just the poor maid, daughter of another widowed maid and sister of a foot soldier. I'm running away as best I can, I've been managing for a month now but I know that when he's really crazy because of the drugs he uses he'll come after me again and he'll manage to hurt me again, I don't want to but he won't stop until he gets what he wants, I've even tried to end my life but it was no use because my brother managed to avoid suicide, Tomas thinks I'm a depressive person and that's why he asked Dario to let me work here but it's no use, he'll come after me wherever he goes.
Luana showed her severed wrists, there were only the scars, but from the expression of despair I saw in her eyes I could see that my biggest problem at that moment was not telling her that I was attacked every time I had a relationship with the man I loved, but my problem was not being able to do anything to help my new friend.
- Now it's your turn, Cecilia!
- I am in love with a man who doesn't love me and who takes pleasure in promoting pain and suffering in my body, you showed me your marks from the suicide attempt, now I will show you my survivor marks.
I lifted my blouse showing the marks left by the belt and the bites on my breasts and belly, Luana lowered her head sad for me but also lifted her blouse showing a deep scar in the shape of a letter, was a huge C well defined.
- Once I met a good soldier, he wanted to marry me even though he knew I was no longer a virgin, in our environment this is very important but that monster shot my love in the middle of the forehead. Poor Nathaniel was killed for treason but he was not a traitor, Cecilia. His mistake was to try to save me, something impossible to do, to never forget who I belong to, that man branded my back as if I were a cow.
I could never imagine that the girl who wanted so much to be a friend would suffer in this way, we had a lot in common even without knowing each other.
- Luana, now we are friends! United by our pain, abandonment, suffering, sadness and condemnation. But we need to keep our friendship a secret, no one should ever know that we are talking and that we are friends. Not even your brother as much as you trust him, we will be each other's confidants, we will read books together and every Friday we will have our book meeting to discuss the best points of them, and we will have in each other the comfort and the friendly hug that we always missed. But this has to be our secret that not even about torture will we tell. Do you swear to keep our friendship a secret, Luana?
- I swear, Cecilia, you will be my best friend, we will be united until we die! By the way, I love to read, I'll be happy to have a book meeting every Friday.
I hugged my new friend feeling a great happiness for having someone in my lonely life, someone who understood what I was going through and could bring joy and lightness to my hopeless and loveless days.