Xanthos Archante
"Xanthos..."
I looked at Kiara. She's currently caressing Xiana's hair who's peacefully sleeping beside Xevan. The three of them together is a sight to behold. I can stare at them forever, I won't get tired of this wonderful sight in front of me.
"Hmm?" I asked.
"Bubukod na 'ko ulit. Napag-usapan naman natin na titira lang ako rito para sabay nating maalagaan ang kambal habang maliit pa sila, diba? Tatlong taon na sila, pwede na 'kong bumukod. Ituloy natin ang naging usapan natin noon na halinhinan tayong mag-aalaga sa mga bata... Okay lang ba 'yon, Xanthos?"
Usapan namin... hindi ko maalala na pumayag ako sa usapang sinasabi n'ya.
I just stared at her and remained silent for a moment. I stared at her eyes and tried to read what she's thinking right now. She seems determinated to leave... and even if I say that I don't want her to go I know she'll still leave. The look in her eyes is way different from before. She doesn't want to be here... she doesn't want to be with me anymore.
I don't want to force her to be with me. I don't want to imprison her with someone like me. I didn't pursue her all these years because I know I'm fatal for her... someone like me is dangerous for her. She's too good for me. I should even be thankful that someone like her is the mother of my children... wanting to be with her is too much to ask for.
I don't deserve it and she doesn't deserve it too. She deserves someone who can give her comfort, someone who won't hurt her.
"Sure, if that's what you want," I just said and avoided her gaze.
I've done many wrong things in my life. I know it's out of character but I want to repent from all of it. I should suffer from all the things I did to Kiara. She seems alright now, I don't want to stir her feelings again. I want her to be alright without me, I know she already did it anyway... She's a strong woman.
"What the fuck are you doing, Xanthos?! Putangina, nanggigigil ako sa 'yo, pare. Bakit hindi mo pinigilang umalis si Kiara? At anong meron sa pagsasalit-salitan n'yo sa pag-aalaga sa kambal?! Ano ba 'yan, Xanthos? Akala ko pa naman inaayos mo na ang buhay mo," naiinis na sabi ni Cadence at napahampas pa sa table ko.
"She looked decided, Cad. She really wanted to leave. Why would I stop her if that's what she wants?" I just said and continued typing on my laptop.
"Bahala ka na nga! Sana pagsisishan mo 'yan! Tinataga ko sa pinakamatigas na bato sa buong universe na pagsisisihan mo 'yan. Gago ka," naiinis na sabi pa n'ya.
I looked at him and smiled lightly. "That's what I want to happen, Cad."
Natigilan si Cad sa sinabi ko. His expression softened. He sighed and slumped on the swivel chair. He shoved his hair with his fingers and let out a heavy sigh.
"Kailan mo ba titigilan ang pagpapahirap sa sarili mo, Xanthos? Please, stop tormenting yourself. Oo, hindi tayo santo... masasama tayong tao. Pero sa lahat ng masamang tao... ikaw, deserve mong sumaya, pare. Noon ka pa nahihirapan sa lahat, hindi ba pwedeng sumaya ka naman? Si Kiara ang kailangan mo para sumaya, Xanthos. 'Yung trauma, takot, pag-aalinlangan... mawawala lahat 'yon dahil kay Kiara."
I sighed and removed my eyeglasses. I looked at him and smiled bitterly. "I know, Cad. Kiara can make me happy. She's like my cure, cure from everything that tormenting me for years. She can heal my trauma, my fear, my doubt... everything. But I don't want to use her. She's not obligated to heal me or make me happy... No one is obligated to do that, I should do it myself... Yes, I had a painful and traumatic past but that won't justify everything that I did to her. I need to suffer like this. Actually, I deserve to suffer more than this."
Cad sighed and went silent. I just don't tell this to him but I really appreciate his presence. I do appreciate what he's trying to do and I know he really wants me to be happy. Being a feroci member for almost twenty years gave me a bunch of idiot friends like Cad, but I know they truly care for me... and I'm very thankful for that even though I don't deserve it.
For another two years that passed, I rarely see Kiara. Sometimes, I secretly visit her to her workplace and I'm happy to see that she's doing good... She looks happy and free and that's what she deserves. She deserves a happy life.
"Papa, I want to have something like this too when I grow up," Xevan murmured and pointed at my tattoos.
I smiled and carried him. I made him sit on my lap and caressed Xiana's hair who's currently busy, she's playing with her dolls.
"I don't mind, my boy. But ask your mother first... Maybe she won't like it," I said and gently pinched his nose.
Xevan pouted and hugged me. He's just quiet but he's actually clingy and loves to hug and nuzzle on me. I don't dislike it though, I actually love it. It makes my heart leap with joy. I really love my children... more than myself.
I looked at Xiana when she suddenly stopped playing with her dolls. Lumapit siya sa 'kin at umupo rin sa kandungan ko. I just smiled and kissed her forehead.
"Papa, Tito Archer always visits Mama. Always din po siyang nabili ng toys and food for us. Baka po may crush siya kay Mama," Xiana said and sighed.
I just smiled and caressed her hair. "Is he a good man?" I asked.
Xiana nodded. "Yes, Papa. He's really kind, as in really kind, but I don't want you to be replaced by him. You're always the number one man in our hearts. Right, kuya?"
"Yes, Papa is the best," Xevan said and hugged my nape tighter.
I never thought before that these kids will be able to make me this happy. Their simple words are giving me so much happiness. I really love them, I can even die for them without hesitation.
"Sir Xanthos naman! Hooh! I know professionalism is important pero wapakels na 'ko ro'n... Gigil mo 'ko, Sir! Bakit hinayaan mo lang na magkaroon ng ibang boyfriend si Kiara? Oo nga, gwapo si Archer, yummy rin, mayaman, matalino, super bait, mga one thousand times na mabait kaysa sa 'yo... pero ikaw 'yung manok ko eh. Paano na kayo? Paano na ang KiaThos love team?!"
I shook my head while listening to Denise. I've never seen her outburst like this. She's always professional and polite in front of me... but maybe just like Cad, she wants Kiara to end up with me.
"Denise... Is Kiara happy?" I asked while looking at her.
Halatang natigilan si Denise sa tanong ko. She was stunned. She avoided my gaze and nodded.
"S-She looks happy, Sir," she answered.
I smiled at her even though I felt a sudden and unexplainable pain in my chest.
"That's what I want to hear the most, Denise. If she's happy, then let her be. She's still a good mother to our children despite having a boyfriend. She deserves pure happiness and comfort... we both know someone like me won't be able to do that. My presence alone is a threat to her," I said and continued reading the files.
Yes, Kiara's happiness... that's what important.
"Pareng Xanthos! Dahil hindi ikaw ang naka-schedule sa kambal, tagay na lang tayo, lods."
Biglang sumulpot sina Cad sa bahay ko. He's with Zak, Arken, Ashteroh, Eron, Xceron, and Remor. They even brought lots of beer with them. I just shook my head and let them be.
"What's with Xanthos today? He looks gloomier than usual," Remor said and threw a pack of cigarette to me.
Remor is one of the best sniper in our organization. He was merciless when it comes to killing before but he drastically changed after getting married.
"Chismis lang sa 'kin ni Cad, may boyfriend na raw si Kiara," Eron said and opened the canned beer.
"Just kill yourself, man. That feeling will kill you anyway," Arken said and closed his eyes.
I know he's talking based on his experience. He loves someone too much too but he had to let her go. He's foolish too, just like me.
"Tatawagin kitang kuya ngayong araw, kawawa ka naman," napapailing na sabi ni Xceron. Binatukan naman siya ni Cad.
"Parang timang 'to... Kita mong miserable na nga si pareng Xanthos dahil sa sarili n'yang desisyon at katangahan pati na rin sa hindi n'ya paninindigan sa feelings n'ya kay Kiara edi sana masaya siya... tapos aasarin mo pa siya. Anong klase kang kapatid?" napapailing na sabi ni Cad.
I just chuckled while staring at them. They are so chaotic.
"Are you alright?" Zakarius asked.
Cavalcante always acts cold and reserved but I know he truly cares for each one of us in the organization. He's not even our leader anymore but he's still always there for us. He's a year younger than me but he acts like an older brother to me and I truly appreciate that.
"Of course, I'm alright... Did you forget that I'm feroci's emotionless killing machine?" I said and chuckled.
I drank the beer that Cad gave me. I just closed my eyes and shook my head. Of course, I'm alright. Seeing Kiara happy is more than enough.
"If I were you, I'll steal her away and won't let her get away from me," Ashteroh said and drank his beer too.
Cad laughed and threw a pillow at him. "Sus, naalala ko nga dati muntik mo ng ipakulong si Nathalie, e. Gano'n ka ba magmahal? Kinukulong mo literal?"
"That was before, asshole!" Ashteroh growled and kicked Cad's leg.
"Oo naalala ko 'yon. Laptrip amputa. Lakas ng amats mo, Ashteroh Alexeev," natatawang sabi naman ni Eron.
I just shook my head and watched them fight like kids. I just don't want to say it but I'm actually thankful that they're here with me right now... it made my night less cold. It gave a familiar warmth to my heart.
"Xanthos..."
I looked at Xceron. He's looking at me intently as if he's trying to read what I have in mind right now.
"Hmm?" I asked and drank my beer.
"Paano kung masaktan ni Archer si Kiara? What will you do?"
Natigilan ako sa biglaang tanong n'ya. I just smiled and drank the remaining beer in the can. After that, I clutched the can with my bare hand.
"If that happens... I will kill him myself, Xceron. And no one, not even Kiara, can stop me," I said and opened another canned beer.
It's been six years since the last time I killed someone. I promised to myself that I won't kill people anymore when Xevan and Xiana was born... but I won't hesitate to kill again if it's for Kiara.
"Papa..."
I looked at Xiana. She pouted her cute lips and hugged my nape and buried her face on my neck. Xevan just sat beside me and hugged my waist. I smiled and hugged them back.
"Why does my baby looks sad? May nang-away ba sa 'yo? Isumbong mo kay Papa kung meron," I murmured softly while caressing her hair.
"I love Mama... but why does she need to have a boyfriend? Sinabi ko na lang po na pumapayag ako sa kanila because I don't want Mama to be disappointed in me... Doesn't she love us anymore, Papa?"
I sighed and tapped her back gently.
"Xianariah... Your mother loves the both of you more than anyone. Having a boyfriend doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore. I know how much she loves you, Xiana. Stop thinking something like that about your mother... Your mother deserves to be happy. Of course, both of you are her happiness but if Archer can make her happy too, you should be happy for her, right?" I caressed her hair and kissed her temple.
Xiana hugged me tighter and nodded.
"Papa, why are you so selfless?"
I looked at Xevan when he suddenly asked that. He's staring at my eyes as if he's telling me a thousand words that his lips can't say... Is he really... five years old?
"We want Mama to be happy... but we want you to be happy too," he added and hugged me tighter.
I smiled and caressed his hair. "What are you saying? I'm happy, Xevan. Both of you are enough to make me happy."
Being this happy with the twin is more than what I deserve. I should already be thankful for this. I shouldn't be selfish and shouldn't ask for more.
When the twin are finally asleep. I went outside to buy some ingredients for their breakfast and lunch tomorrow. I don't know how to cook before but I attended cooking class five years ago for my kids.
I was taken aback when I saw Kiara and her boyfriend having a dinner at a well-known restaurant. I stopped my car and stared at them.
I smiled bitterly when I saw her smiling and laughing with Archer. Denise is right... Kiara looks happy indeed.
I can't take my eyes off her, I don't even know how long I've been staring at her like this through the restaurant's glass wall. She seems so happy that she doesn't care about her surroundings anymore... I stared at her smiling face for a while. I can't take my eyes of her smile, her laugh, the look in her eyes, and the every movement she makes.
"What a beautiful sight," I muttered.
This is for the better. Everything is in their respective places... She deserves to be in a warm ray of sunshine and I should remain in the dark. That's how it should be.
"Papa... Susundin ko po ang sinabi n'yo at magiging happy po ako for Mama," sabi ni Xiana habang nakayakap sa 'kin.
I smiled at her. "That's my girl."
I looked at Xevan. He didn't say anything but he just hugged me and nuzzle his face on my neck.
Denise will be here tonight to get them. It will be Kiara's turn to take care of our kids.
"Papa, mami-miss po kita for one week," Xiana said and pouted.
I just chuckled and pinched her chubby cheeks. "My girl is so sweet. Do I even deserve to have a perfect daughter like you?"
Xianariah giggled and kissed my cheek. "Of course, Papa. You're the best father in the world!"
I smiled when I felt something in my heart. Her words is enough to make me feel like I'm really the best father even though I know I'm not.
"Hello, kids! It's time!"
Natigilan kami nang dumating na si Denise. Xiana and Xevan ran to her direction and hugged her. I just smiled and stood up.
"Bye, my angels. Give me a kiss before you leave," I said and squatted. I pointed my cheeks.
Xiana and Xevan kissed both of my cheeks and hugged me. I rumpled their hair gently and kissed their forehead.
"Please be good to your mother. Okay? I love you both, Papa will miss you," I said and smiled at them.
I just watched them as they walk away from my house. I sighed and sat on the beach chair near the pool when they finally left.
I sighed and looked at the night sky. I smiled bitterly and closed my eyes as I let myself indulge the emptiness I felt.
I guess my nights will be cold again.