It's been a week since that day. Not letting me go after having a chance to escape; igniting a small fire of hope that is filling my heart and that's all I need to believe that one day, an intense feeling of fondness will be drawn out from him. He is my husband and there's nothing wrong to crave for his attention and love. I love him and always will.
But, my life is getting harder day by day. We continued to live our lives like before. He ignored me or mocked me. I love him but that doesn't mean I can bear his terrors. I am really scared of him. When he despises me that much, why can't he let me go? It's almost a year of our marriage and all he has shown to me is his dominance and loathing. I wonder how long I can hold my facade...
I am afraid of the day when my terrors will overcome my love for him.
I sighed and looked at the garden to calm myself. That's the only place in this house where I can find solace. The rest of the places initiate a feeling of apprehension in my heart, even the walls. There's an unfathomable uneasiness in that house. I was never at peace ever since I stepped inside this house.
I smiled weakly at the garden. I planted new flowers in the garden. Since I have permission to do whatever I want with it, I decided to rearrange some flowers as well as to add some new ones. I inhaled the scent of flowers and smiled to myself. I walked inside and saw Desmond. He looks perfect as usual. Composed; Filled with Virtue and Pride. I smiled and greeted him,
"Welcome home! You're home early!" Ever since I came back, I have smiled. No matter how much I felt scared, no matter how much his words hurt me; I smiled.
"Do you have a problem with that?" He asked, annoyed.
"Not at all." I grinned. We both looked at each other, my smile never leaving my lips. His exquisite gray eyes are dark with incapability of being explored. His mysterious eyes scanned me. He then heaved and left. I tilt my head in confusion. I shrugged my shoulders and went to the rooftop.
I look at the sky. It was filled with dark clouds. The Dim intensity filling the sky is a call to Divine; that he should bestow his creatures with the blessing called rain. Rain reminds me of our honeymoon. How he picked me up and took me home. I smiled when the calls of the sky were heard as a droplet of rain fell on my cheek. Soon, the drops of water, filled with immense calmness, began to fall. I smiled and inhaled as the smell of wet soil filled my nostrils. I loved that smell. I grinned as I began to dance and sing my favorite song,
I closed my eyes as I let out a silent tear. This is such a breathtaking song. I felt my heartache when I sang that song. A strange sensation of sorrow washed over me. I feel like this is about me,
The body who has suffered only knows.
That's right, the only one that can understand my pain is myself.
I have become crazy for you.
Yeah, I am; Too much, that I am losing myself in the pits of your hatred. Burning mercilessly but passionately. I am breaking slowly and painfully by your torture as your ruthless form never took pity upon me. I am falling into an eternal abyss, Being shattered by your terror.
Why do I even sing this song?
My moment of heavenly peace was turned into a moment of grief. I smiled sadly as tears flowed from my eyes. I took a deep breath ready to let out my cries of misery but, I heard a voice,
"What are you doing?" I looked up and saw Desmond. Damn this song, I felt really heartbroken and the reason for it is standing in front of me. I know I won't be able to hold my feelings any longer in my heart. My heart continuously ached as those sensations are not leaving me. I have lost my senses for now. My mind is filled with distress. I forced a smiled and said,
"Enjoying the rain."
"Stop being a child and come inside. I don't want to deal with your fever." He scoffed as I taunt him still smiling,
"Just like you did last time." I instantly realized what I had said as my whole body numbed. My smile is not leaving me despite the fact my soul is trying to leave my body in dread. A terrifying shiver startled me when he took a step towards me. Curse this song! I regained my senses as my whole body drowned in fright.
His whole being was filled with rage. His eyes are showing a ferocious look of a predator. The dark aura surrounds him. His whole presence darken. He stood in front of me and gave me a seething look. His intense glare made my heart skip a beat. My smile didn't fade away as my legs are trembling with terror with no extent.
"What did you just say?" He growled. I don't know what happened to me. I am smiling while my body is filled with dread.
"Stop Smiling!" He shouted as I curved my lips downward but not in a frown as I blinked at him. All I know is that I am testing the patience of my husband.
He grits his teeth as he takes a step closer. My breath hitched at the closeness. He is looking at me with a scowl.
"You are getting on my nerves, Ester," I met his gaze. He is controlling his urge to hit me. He is furious but he is refraining himself.
"Your worth is still the same in my eyes. You are a Disdain." He hissed. He moved closer, I stood still as my whole body quiver in fear.
"Before I lose myself and do something unimaginable to you. LEAVE AND DON'T SHOW YOUR FACE TO ME!" He yelled as I ran away. I ran away and went to Savannah,
"Ma'am, You are drenched. Please change before you catch a cold." Thanks to my soaking wet form or else anyone can guess that I am filled with terror, not with the coldness of rain. I smiled,
"Okay, I am in that room, bring something warm to wear there," I said motioning to some random room. She nodded and left. I closed the door behind me as I put a hand on my pounding chest. Just what have I done? I angered him. What took over me? I began to pant. I paced around the room in fear. My dread is beyond any boundary. If he comes in he'll surely hit me. I pulled my hair and bit my cheeks so the tears didn't fall.
After struggling with myself for a while, night came. I refuse to have dinner because I just can't get rid of these strange sensations ever since then. The pace of my heart isn't going back to normal. I know it's not terror. It's just that inexplicable feeling of anguish. I sat on the bed as I covered my face with my hands. I let out a heavy breath.
I Wanna Live With You In My Next Seven Births...
I grit my teeth as the song rang in my head. Is it my fault that I love him dearly? I also have feelings and I deserve to be loved. How long can I be optimistic and give myself fake consolations?
I took a deep breath and walked out of the room. These feelings can only be eradicated by the one who elicits them. I stood in front of our room, tapping my foot on the ground. I sighed loudly as I leaned on the wall. I closed my eyes. I jerked as I heard the creaking sound of the door being opened. I looked at my side as my gaze met the outraged gray's eyes. His eyes widened for a second as if he didn't expect me to stand outside the room at midnight. We stare at each other as he sighed,
"How long have you been standing here?"
"Uh.. an hour," I said, tugging a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"Look, Desmond, I am really sorry. I don't want to talk back to you. I w-"
"Come inside. It's cold." He said as he walked in. I entered but he stopped as I bumped into him. He turned and put his knuckles over my head. His eyes narrowed as he went to his side and laid on the bed.
I just stare blankly at him. I just don't understand him. I also laid on my side and fell asleep and promised myself that I will never sing that song again.