Chapter 38 Broken Heart
XANDER.
After they both left, I took a quick shower and went to sleep. Or at least I tried to.
The concern and uncertainty of not knowing where the conversation between Yaakov and Magnus will end had me on the verge of despair. I counted sheep, I sang every song I knew, I even tried reading a fucking encyclopedia, the most boring thing on the planet, to see if the dream covered me, but nothing worked.
I already know all the bumps in the mattress and the texture of the sheets by heart. I keep rolling over and over, exhausting even Cooky's patience, who got out of the part of the bed where I was sleeping and curled up in one of the corners of the room, obviously irritated by my uneasiness.
Suddenly, the thought of Magnus reacting so protectively to me came to my mind and... I can't help but feel good about it, all warm and excited, even though the situation was not at all favorable. I was surprised by his dizzying anger when he thought that Yaakov was going to attack me.
My chest is saturated with heat and I find myself with a silly smile on the face without being able to avoid it. Fuck, I'm in love with him. I'm madly in love with him. Well done, Xander. The one thing you promised yourself you wouldn't do again since that last time, now you come and throw all your efforts away with none other than the head of the biggest mafia organization in all of Russia.
Yippee!
Someone should award me the prize as the world's most colossal idiot, but it feels... Good. In a twisted and deformed way, considering the circumstances in which I came to this place. Kidnapped, interrogated, and having no choice but to work alongside that Alpha who stole my breath from the first time I saw him, ignoring his obvious desires to punish me for daring to stand in his way.
However, I can't help but imagine myself next to him. Waking up every morning by his side, not having to hide from anyone, loving each other without restriction, receiving his caresses and kisses. Oh, those kisses. That turn my bones into jelly and steal my air.
All these thoughts encompass my mind until at some point I fall asleep. I don't know what time it was, but I wake up at six o'clock in the morning as if an alarm was programmed into my brain. One of the "gifts" that I most hate from my transit through the boarding school: the infernal morning punctuality. I hate it, but after so many years of routine, my body reacts alone.
So I get up and go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and take a quick shower. When I go out, Cooky is awake too and waiting for his breakfast, so I serve him his food on the plate before I get dressed. Once I'm ready, I don't forget to put my headphones on so I can listen, and holding my cat with a full stomach, I go to the room I've been assigned to work.
The Mansion is usually not yet fully functional at this time, the vast majority sleeps and the guards change shifts at half-past seven. So I don't run into any mishaps in the corridors. Once I arrive, I turn on the computer and all the monitors, make sure I leave the room in the dark, and sit on the chair, placing Cooky on my lap.
I keep busy monitoring Rocco Giordano, who returned yesterday from Tokyo and is now with his boss, Franchesco Graziani. The plan Magnus created to catch him is to give him time, to let him think that no one knows about his betrayal, his dirty trick until he trusts himself, and makes a mistake that leads us to expose the real culprit.
Franchesco was not very happy about it, he wanted to retaliate immediately. However, after almost an hour explaining to him why they shouldn't act so rashly, he finally agreed and is now pretending that nothing has happened, maintaining his facade and treating Rocco the same as always.
I must admit, the man is rather cautious. I've checked his phone, his messages and calls, his mail and other accounts in his name and I haven't found anything that could incriminate him. Sooner or later he'll do something, I'm sure of that, and by the time comes, I'll be on his tail ready to pin him down.
The hours go by quickly as I go through the recordings. Now and then I take a look at Magnus' system to make sure everything is in order and protected, but obviously, I won't tell him or he'll lose his mind.
When it's nine o'clock, the office door opens, letting in the bright light of the corridor, and I smile at the knowledge of who it is.
-Good morning - he greets me with his characteristic, low, neutral tone.
-Hi, good morning.
I met Fredek a few days after I started working for Magnus. He had been sent by Lev to bring me breakfast and somehow we instantly clicked. I'm pretty quiet, I've never been good at making conversation with someone, but with him, it's the opposite.
We started talking about random things and I remember that the first question he asked me was: "Where does the myth that storks bring babies come from? I mean, they're storks, they're just birds. Where would they get the babies in the first place?". That's a little weird, is what I thought. And I couldn't help laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. Cooky loved him too, instantly, curling up in his lap and receiving his caresses gladly.
-He made pancakes today. They are very good, Lev has improved a lot lately - he says, passing me the tray, pancakes covered with honey and orange juice that smell like a piece of paradise.
-Oh, fuck - I moan for heavenly pleasure after taking a bite and the sweet taste of honey invades my taste buds -. You're right, they are spectacular - I finish with my breakfast while I continue checking the monitors and talking with Fredek from time to time. I place the now-empty plate and glass on the tray.
-So... - I turn over my chair to direct my attention to him, still with my cat between his legs, his elbow resting on the desk and his cheek resting on his hand -. How are your clandestine meetings with my brother going?
Yes, Fredek knows. One day he discovered a rather incriminating mark on my neck courtesy of Alexei Magnus. I could have lied to him and said it was an allergy or something, but he could smell the forest and fresh rain all over me.
So yes, I told him everything, that same day I found out that they were brothers. He didn't react as I thought, however. With a brief nod and a simple "I see", the conversation did not go any further than that, contrary to the extensive and invasive interrogation that I suspected would come. Although, occasionally, like today, he asked me for news.
-Good, I suppose - I couldn't even convince myself with my vague answer, he looked at me with a marked expression of "really?" on his face -. Yaakov discovered us last night - when I dropped the bomb, his eyes opened wide in surprise, opening and closing the mouth several times like a fish.
-How? - After he's recovered, bending over the chair a bit to get closer.
-Magnus was in my room and suddenly, without knocking or anything, Yaak walks in and sees us both naked on my bed - I sigh, remembering the chill that ran down my spine -. What were we supposed to tell him? That we were playing an enhanced version of Twister?
Fredek laughs hysterically, holding his stomach and wiping the tears from the corner of his eyes. Cooky is annoyed by the commotion, gets off of his legs, and curls up into a small ball of hair under the desk. Well, at least someone thinks this whole mess is funny.
-Now, now. Seriously - he's sobbing with laughter, settling down on the chair -. And what happened?
-Well, he jumped from surprise to anger in a flash. He wasn't too happy about Magnus keeping something from him.
-And I must say, I'm surprised, too. Those two are like dirt and nails, walking around together everywhere - with a half-sided smile, shaking his head in amusement.
-We never talked about keeping this a secret. But on the second day of having him in my room at night, when everyone was already asleep, I was able to figure it out by myself - I tried, in a ridiculous effort, to make my voice come out firm and confident, but I still failed. Fredek notices the slight tremor in my voice.
-Something else is going on. Isn't it? - I feel as if his gaze is directly evaluating my soul. Fredek has this ability over me, makes me flinch, and confess what's exactly going on in my mind.
-I think that... - it's hard for me to speak for a moment, my lips are trembling and the air doesn't seem to reach my lungs -. I think... I'm in love with him - the deathly silence falls upon both of us. I observe his reaction, but he is only there, looking at me without adding anything or any expression that would give away the flow of his thoughts. Until a slow smile is drawn on his face.
-I knew it.
-What?! - I scream, and he laughs uncontrollably at my reaction. I hit his arm, frustrated for his poor control -. But how? - Was I so bad at hiding it?
-Ouch! - He complains, rubbing the area -. Come on, Xander - rolling the eyes, exasperated -. Every time you talk about him, your eyes light up. You find yourself babbling nonsense about how big and strong he is and how you feel in the clouds when he touches you like a teddy bear. Did I notice that first?
-I... I... - can't find the words. I don't know what to say, I just hope I don't behave like this in front of Magnus and that he's discovered my feelings before I've even admitted them. Fredek seems to have caught the flow of my insecurities because he places a hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing to calm me down.
-Don't freak out, okay? - With a sweet smile, I nod slowly -. My brother is a complete hard-ass and despite the lifestyle he chose, he's a good person. Try talking to him, tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll reciprocate, but if he rejects you, at least you'll know not to fight a losing battle.
He's right, I thought about getting Magnus to talk first, but this might be a better alternative. As difficult as it is to expose my heart again, the best option is to take a chance, so I'll have clear confirmation of the position I'm in now.
-Thanks, Fred - He was about to answer when the door opened and the man who had come to steal my breath in such a short time appeared. Dressed impeccably as always and with the confident, commanding demeanor that characterizes him.
I can't help but slide my gaze over his body before our gazes connect. We both watch each other intently until he notices someone else in the room, and his expression changes to one of astonishment at discovering who it is.
-Fredek? - frowns -. What are you doing here? - His brother gets up and takes the tray, heading for the exit.
-Lev sent me to bring Xander's breakfast - passing by Magnus' side -. I'm going, see ya - he turns around and when he's about to leave, he winks at me, making me smile.
-Does he always do that? - Magnus questions when we're alone.
-Sometimes - I stand up, approach him, and place myself on the tips of my toes, surround his neck and join our lips in a kiss. I can feel him tensing up immediately, but after a few seconds, he starts to respond to me.
Okay, that was unusual. He usually gets back to me right away, which makes me suspicious. Maybe the conversation with Yaakov didn't go so well. I reluctantly separate myself from him and smile, trying to calm him down a bit. I don't want to bombard him with questions and stress him out even more.
-Good morning - I say, contemplating those beautiful brown eyes that make me feel trapped every time they look back at me. God, I'm so lost.
-Good morning - he answered sharply, then his hands grabbed my wrists, which were still around his neck, and pulled me away from him. Takes a few steps to gain distance, turning his back on me. Okay, now I'm getting scared. Something is tormenting his mind and his silence only worries me more.
-Honey, is something wrong? - I whisper cautiously, approach, and place my hand on his shoulder.
He pulls away abruptly and turns to see me. It is not the gesture of moving away from me as if I had leprosy that hurt me, it was his expression: of pure anger. The look full of repulsive hate that he gave me back. I felt the size of an ant in front of him, exposed and vulnerable.
-Don't call me that - grunts, clenched jaw, eyebrows so furrowed that they almost join into one -. I'm not your honey or any other shit like that.
-Magnus, what... - I swallowed hard, a cold whipping my back -. What's wrong? - The words come barely out, my mouth is suddenly dry and a big knot has formed in my throat.
-Nothing, everything's fucking fine. Don't you see? Everything is perfect. Perfect! - His hands clenched in strong fists at his sides. Then starts moving around like a caged lion, my legs shaking.
-Magnus. What are you talking about? Did something happen with Yaak? What did he...
-Yaak? - interrupting my questions, looking in my direction, the way he stared at me made me want to disappear, to bury myself alive -. Are you two friends now so you can call him like that? - He took a long stride in my direction -. How close are you two? - Another step -. Do you treat him the same way you treat me? - Another step. Now he's so close that his breath warms my face -. Do you suck his cock too, Xander?
My hand hit his cheek so fast that I didn't even have time to control myself. What the hell had happened between Yaakov and him that made him react like that? Rubs his fingertips on the affected area, which is quickly turning red, with my finger marks outlined on his skin.
-And what about Derek? - He continued with his poison, I tried to back off, to get away from him -. Are you still seeing him? Must be easy now that he works for me. That's why you were so fucking insistent that I hire him, isn't it? - He holds me by the arms, shaking me violently -. Answer, damn it! - Using his commanding voice, hurting me in the process, dominating my Margay, forcing me to show my submission by exposing my neck.
-What are you talking about? - I push my palms on his chest as hard as I can, until I can free myself from his grip -. What's wrong with you?! - I keep trying to fight his order running through my veins, not letting myself be controlled or denigrated any more, even though the tears started rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't help it -. I haven't been with anyone besides you, Magnus. No one! - I push him again, stamping my hands on his muscles -. What did I do to deserve you treating me like this!?
We both looked into each other's eyes in silence for a long moment. My tears do not cease, my breath is so agitated that my throat burns, with fists clenched tightly, my nails digging into my palms. However, none of that can compare to the pain that oppresses my heart.
Something inside me broke. I have been humiliated, insulted, belittled, dragged into a state of immense sadness, and deep disconsolation. My heart has once again been trampled on, exactly the reason why I forbade myself all these years to ever enter into a relationship with anyone else. And now, just this moment, Alexei Magnus passed over me again like I was nothing... Nothing.
-Magnus...
-It won't happen again - he roared, looking away from me as if he could not tolerate the simple fact of my destroyed existence -. I refuse to fall into your trap and let you play with me as you please.
-Magnus, What are you talking about? - I hesitate, my energy draining, running out of strength to fight for something I've already lost.
-From now on I'll be your boss and you my employee. Nothing more - when he sees me again, his eyes are empty and distant -. As it should have been from the beginning - And without saying anything else, or giving me a chance to respond, he left.
He left me alone, asking over and over again what I could have done to make him react like that. I barely reached the chair and collapsed on it, my body weak and without strength. Cooky came out of his hiding place and climbed into my lap, rubbing his body against me and purring, the poor creature trying to calm me down. I stroked his head gently, grateful to have him with me.
-You and I alone again, Cooky - the treacherous tears refused to stop falling from my eyelashes -. Alone... As I always have been.