Today is the day you get to see home, Iris.” I said to a sleepy baby. Her skin still soft, her toes still tiny, and still has that very high pitched hunger scream.
Collin was driving the car slower than usual and driving the Kia instead of his SUV or Jeep. He wanted to be able to see her easier and I guess he couldn’t do that through his two other cars.
When we arrived home, Collin grabbed the carseat and carried her all the to the elevator. In the meantime, as I was following behind them I received some “not so approving” looks from the people in our complex as we were walking in the lobby. Normally I would care about something like that, like I did throughout my whole pregnancy. Now? Not so much. I don’t really care what people think. I’m a mom now, they don’t know my age, and I love my baby. Maybe once they get a good look of her, they might just die because of how adorable she is.
We turned off, and blocked anything that could hurt her eyes, or anything that could wake her up. We closed the big blinds on the window, turned off the television, and turned off anything that could make an alarm sound, including the fire alarm. We will turn that back on once we get settled since it’s a safety hazard, but for now, we just want to settle in with her. We want to experience the sleepless nights, and the wishing we were alone, but happy to have a baby faze. We want the whole nine yards.
Collin unbuckled Iris from her car seat, gently placing her in the bassinet. When we thought she was all settled we started walking away when she began crying which is the exact same problem we had when she was in the hospital. I don’t know if that started because Collin and I were arguing immensily while we saw her or if it’s just because she didn’t want to be alone, she felt safe with us.
I picked her up, and walked to the comfy chair in her nursery to breast feed her, she easily latched on having no issues. She always drunk until she was full. I slowly stood up, and slowly walked back over to the Bassinet placing her in there. Watching as she fell asleep smoothly. Collin walked in and placed his hand on my back, “Is she asleep yet?” Collin whispered.
I looked at Collin with happy eyes. I removed my hands from the back of her neck and she didn’t even make a move. F
I backed away, and turned on the baby monitor that was in my hands leaving the other one on her dresser. I walked out of her nursery, Collin following me and shutting the door behind him.
“We need to talk, it’s important.”
“We couldn’t just appreciate the fact I put Iris down?” Me and Collin have been arguing ever since we left the hospital, more me with him then him with me.
“Tessa, you know that I don’t want to go but--”
“Then don’t go. I know it’s not that far if I fly there but I can’t do this alone. I want to go back to high school. I want to have my old life back too. But I can’t because I got knocked up.”
“But I have to go. I signed up for the program as soon as I finished college. This has been my dream job since I was 10. Iris can’t change that. This was my last chance to extend admissions. I have to go Tessa.”
I heard Iris crying, and I stormed off developing tears on my eyes. Why am I being so selfish? There are plenty of single women. It’s Collin’s fault I’m in this situation. I should be able to go and do whatever I want, and he should be able to just stay here and take care of Iris. He doesn’t need a full time job, once I graduate then we can resume what we wanted to do. I just can’t do everything by myself.
I would do anything for Iris, but I don’t know if I can stay with Collin if he’s going to be moving to Virginia. What if he meets another girl? What if he decides he’s not in love with me?
I opened the door, grabbed Iris and went back to where me and Collin were arguing. He was sitting down on the couch, in a thinking state of mind.
I hate to ask him to chose between me and Iris or the FBI academy but what else is new?
“If you want to go to the FBI academy you can. I won’t stop you and Iris won’t stop you.” He looked at me with a smile. “But, I’m not going with you to Virginia. I’ll stay here with Iris, Collin. You can come visit us when you can. I don’t want to stop you from your dream. This is your chance to help people. And I love you for it babe.” As I kissed him on the lips.
“What about you? I can’t help you when I’m almost 2,000 miles away. It’s a 26 hour drive, Tessa. I can’t just come home everyday and see my beautiful baby and girlfriend.”
“Collin if its an emergency then you can get a ticket to Colorado. You can even fly in a plane to see us, you don’t have to drive here for over a day. If you’re trying to find a way to get out of it, don’t. You’re going tomorrow.”
He smiled and said “I wouldn’t know what I would be doing without you, Tessa.”
“You would’ve been at school a few months ago.”
I looked at him with promising eyes, “Can I at least help you pack?”
“We have a few hours, we could get the stroller and walk Iris outside, make it our last date for awhile.”
I handed Iris to Collin and said “You get Iris in comfy warm, cute clothes, and I’ll get dressed.”
I got up and headed to our room going into our massive closet.
I grabbed a long shirt, a black scarf, ripped jeans, and some black boots. I then top the outfit with some black boots.
My old clothes still don’t fit, and I have to wear the smaller Maternity clothes, still having the postpartum bump.
***********
“It’s so pretty out here.” I said, pushing Iris’s stroller. She’s wearing a heavy jacket and some warm pants, and has several baby blankets over her.
Collin walks ahead of me and then turns around and stops in his tracks and grabs my hands. “You are a strong woman Tessa, and I can’t believe you birthed this tiny thing, this wonderful child, our baby. With the many health conditions that you had during the pregnancy, and you dealt with it no matter what was going on. A lot of the time I was the weak one and you had to lift me up. For that, I love you. I will love you forever.”
I was crying. “I will love you beyond the point of loving someone Collin, I will love you past the point of death, I love you too much to give anything up in life.”
I hope one day we will get married, have more children, live in a home where we can live forever, grow old together, and die as best friends. We continued walking, Iris slept and we walked home slowly in the cold weather, just talking, which we haven’t ever had an honest conversation.
I don’t want him to leave, but he had a life before us, and he can make more money, than what we’re making now, and the fact that he’s determined in saving lives, and helping others, makes my heart melt.
I love everything about him, the way he smells, the way he tastes, the way we made love and the way he smiles.