The Guranaki Melor dropped out of FTL travel, found its location, and made another short burst at FTL to get closer to Earth. Then, it cruised inward towards a rendezvous with the New Hope while Captain Telnik gathered the news. There was always the fear with these primitive societies that an all-out war could break out the moment you turned your back on them. Fortunately, that did not appear to be the case.
Once he saw that there were no immediate fires to put out, Telnik sent a message to the New Hope:
"We have returned from our survey. Currently a quarter light-kaz out. We expect to be docking in the next two venns.
It would be half a kaz at a minimum before they responded, probably longer, given how green the crew was over there. Then again, if the UMP shows initiative, the reply might—
His inbag suddenly filled with messages relayed by Petra. Telnik smiled. Always nice to see competence in action. He started going through them, priority sorting the ones that seemed to be from the category of "important humans" he'd made.
Ah. The America President. That should be interesting. Telnik set it aside for the moment, wanting to be fully updated before returning that comm in particular.
As they approached the other starship, message traffic increased. He found logs by Gomgom waiting for him, and looked through the reports. There were no casualties, but that was only to be expected. He'd warned his detached crew that if they got themselves killed he would personally raise them from the dead, then kill them again.
Another 548 humans rescued from slavery, and another 117 slavers that were no longer a problem. Not bad for a few days' work, but it was a drop in the bucket. More of the humans apparently had spotted the pattern, and some of the slave-holders were staying away from their slaves in hopes that they would be spared when the women were freed.
Gomgom was hoping for a change in orders to allow them to pursue. Telnik reminded him that the primary mission was rescue, with vengeance a luxury when convenient. They would need to refuel in orbit in a couple more days, and he'd speak with the crew in person then, get a feel for their reactions to the job. It was important to maintain high morale on missions like this.
Another message caught his attention, this one from a human he had contacted before leaving the system. She was willing to speak to him, and Telnik sent down a modern comm to bypass the human surveillance. It took a while for her to receive the comm and get to a place private enough that the jammers in the comm could prevent spying. Finally, the comm went through.
A thin human with yellow fur and primitive glasses for correcting vision blinked at the camera. "Captain Telnik, hello. This is Gale Learnin."
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"Hello, Dr. Learnin. Thank you for speaking with me."
"What can I do to help human-alien relations, Captain?"
"You are an authority on corruption in American politics and society. Some would say the authority."
Learnin smiled. "I wouldn't go that far, but I know some things."
"I expect that you have created a list of reforms you would like to see implemented in American government." Actually, Telnik knew that she had, because he'd analyzed the contents of her personal computers, thanks to Petra. "If possible, I would like to see that list drawn up in a formal legal proposal."
Learnin was very still for a moment. "You want to try to get some reforms passed by Congress?"
"Not some—all of them. Your entire wish list. Every legal change that you think would benefit America and reduce corruption."
Learnin was shaking her head. "That would be wonderful, but it will never happen."
"You can leave feasibility to me. I need to know what to ask for."
"The billionaires will never let it happen. I've run for political office. I was up ten points in the polls, and one billionaire didn't like that; they wrote a check, and I was ten points down on Election Day two weeks later."
"That's exactly the kind of problem you would like to see fixed, no?"
"Yes, but the billionaires will never let it pass. They'll order the Congressmen they own to vote against it. It won't even make it out of committee."
"I plan to persuade the billionaires to back it."
"Captain, unless you intend to use some kind of mind control, that is impossible."
"I have a big cucumber."
The human's eyes widened. "I beg your pardon?"
Telnik frowned and checked the idiom. He could have sworn that he had it right, but now it read something different from what he remembered. "Excuse me. I have a big carrot, I think you say."
"Are you going to bribe them?"
"I am going to conduct business with the US Congress in the style to which they are accustomed. Draw up the bill. I will get you the votes."
Learnin stared at him for a few moments. "You're serious."
"My Boss has instructed me to promote Justice on your planet. My predictive models suggest that you are the best person to author the required changes to your political system."
"Some of these changes would require amendments to the Constitution. Ratification, even if possible, would take years."
"I cannot promise that every measure you seek will be passed, but I expect a large majority of them will."
"They could turn around and repeal any law passed as soon as you leave. Don't underestimate their determination to thwart you."
"I will not. How soon could you prepare the legislation?"
"I'm...not sure."
"The sooner it is ready, the greater my chances of success," Telnik told her. "Remember, I have a lot of other nations to go through as well, and a limited time to accomplish all of this."
"Is this...for real? It sounds too good to be true."
"It is, as you say, for real. I have my orders. I am giving you an opportunity to help. Will you take it?"
The human drew a deep breath. "I will. I'll have it ready to propose as legislation as quickly as possible."
"Thank you. Please message me with this comm when you have it ready."
"I will. And...Captain Telnik, if this is for real..." The woman blinked rapidly a few times. "Thank you, Captain."
"I will speak with you soon, I hope. Goodbye."
He closed the connection, then looked suspiciously at his HUD.
< Petra? >
< Yes, Captain Telnik? >
< Do you know what a 'practical joke' is? >
< Yes. >
Telnik paused, and when no further answer was forthcoming, he prompted, "Did you just play a practical joke on me?"