"HELLO, EVERYBODY! Welcome to the show!"
The host could not keep the smile off his face, and adjusted his tie repeatedly while the studio audience applauded and he struggled for composure. When they started to quiet down, he cleared his throat.
"As you know, this program is a satirical presentation of the nightly news. The usual thing we do is make, admittedly slightly snarky commentary, on the absolutely fucking stupid things that come out of the mouths of..."
The host coughed and took on a very serious tone briefly, "our dignified and conscientious public officials. Meanwhile, the news programs, as you know, are working hard to serve the American people..."
Then he went back to screaming, "And doing such a fucking PATHETIC job of it, that now, fucking ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE have gotten tired of throwing their space booties at the screen and gotten up off their levitating chairs to take a hand!"
The host grew quiet, raised his eyebrows, placed a hand flat on his chest, and said in a quiet heartfelt tone, "Ahh, Schadenfreude—at last, you have come to me."
Resuming his normal, amused yet strident tone, he continued, "As I said, normally, we make commentary on the news, but this time...this time, we have conceded defeat. Because there is nothing—NOTHING, I tell you, that could possibly be any fucking funnier than what is actually getting broadcast now."
Again, he visibly struggled to get the smirk off his face, and had to make a couple of attempts before continuing.
"For those of you who've been updating your Macrosoft OS patches for the past day, both CNN and FOX News have had their chyrons hacked. The regular broadcast is going out, but the normal chyrons have been replaced with evaluations of each statement, as you can see here."
A clip from FOX revealed a flickering display banner showing OPINION, FALSE, TRUE, and more, with live corrections whenever a number was given. It was followed immediately by a similar clip from CNN. The audience laughed, cheered and applauded long enough that the host had to wait to continue his monologue.
"Whoever could possibly be responsible for this?" The host looked pointedly at the ceiling, and mouthed, 'Thank you!'
"Spokespersons for both channels say that they have been unable to remove the hacks themselves, and have issued demands that the aliens cease their interference. So far, the only response has been a brief video from Dr. Sana Vickall, who recorded herself eating from what looks like a bucket of movie popcorn, wearing a smile that could puncture the tires of an ATV."
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He shook with silent laughter for a few moments, then continued in a quieter tone. "Honestly, we considered just stringing together a bunch of clips from both channels, to show you because it is fucking hilarious! Oh, who am I kidding? OF COURSE WE DID! Here are some of the best moments from this afternoon..."
The host caught his breath and rested his voice while the audience roared with laughter. Messages and labels flashed almost nonstop:
Opinion
Opinion
Fact
The actual number is...
Fact
Altered Picture (This one did a split screen with the original)
Opinion
Opinion
Incorrect
Incoherent
Fact
Incoherent
Fact
Opinion
Opinion
Incorrect
Fact
The total number of cases is...
One channel was clearly getting more corrections than the other, but there were examples of nearly everything from both.
After the sequence ended, the host waited for the laughter to die down, covered his mouth, cleared his throat, and quietly said, "It gets better."
After that applause settled down, he continued. "For those of you currently suffering from Internet withdrawal while your Uphone cycles its security update for the tenth time, social media has not emerged unscathed. In fact, it appears to be thoroughly scathed. It has been scathed in places we once thought scathing should never go." The host squirmed in his chair a moment, jumping in place before cracking a smile.
"On every major social media platform, every. Single. Post. is now labeled with its country of origin. Bot posts and comments are removed, replaced with a single line tagging it as a bot. As you might expect, traffic volume has dropped dramatically. All that's left is photos of food that got cold while you took pictures of it, cat memes, a video of two pigeons bowling in drag, and a cannibal making an Am I The Asshole post."
"And speaking of cannibals..." The audience booed and hissed while the host nodded. "I have good news. The New York Times is considering moving its entire Obituary section to the front page." The audience roared with approval, clapping for a good long while. At the end, he added in a quiet, serious tone, "To find out whether the Russian government still exists, see page 68."
The host grew a bit more serious. "You've probably all heard the announcements from Nick Tomsun and Captain Telnik. At this point, over three hundred people have been killed, including the owners of certain television networks. But, for all the screaming, and announcements that we are at war, that aliens are going to kill us all, that this is a horrible apocalypse and the end of the world..."
The host fell silent for a few moments, stared calmly at the camera, and finally shrugged and said, "Eh."
More applause, then he shrugged again. "I mean, really, if your bank balance doesn't look like a missile launch code, and you don't have any actual missile launch codes, you're probably fine. Emperor Tomsun does not appear to have it in for the little guy."
A banner behind the host appeared, reading 'The Emperor's New Groove.'
"Scientists have calculated the Earth's AQ, or Asshole Quotient, has dropped by seven points in the past two days.
"A direct result of the smaller number of assholes is, predictably, a dramatic reduction in the BLEEPiness of the world.
"As for President Smith's address earlier tonight, personally, I think the man deserves an Oscar for keeping a straight face and not wearing a shit-eating grin as he talks about the 'tragic deaths' of a lot of people he's probably wishing he could have taken out himself.
"So, in short, my advice to our viewers is to follow the good doctor's example," he reached down under his desk and pulled out a bucket of popcorn, "and enjoy the show!"