Over the past few weeks my life has become quiet and some days I can hear the laughter of demons in my ears again. It's so hard because I don't know how long they will keep hunting me. Wala rin akong masyadong kinakausap kahit na umaakto silang lahat dito sa bahay na masigla. Halos lahat ng pinsan ko ay nandito pwera lang kay Hailey. Mom and Dad always peek at me in the bedroom every hour.
I promised them one thing. that I don't even have to think about ending my life because I know it's all happening because there's a reason. My life matters in a different way. Ayaw kong tapusin 'yon ng dahil sa mga masasamang nangyari.
I don't fancy ending my life. This world is chock-full of failure, strifes, and defeats but this is also a paradise and utopia. I'm exhausted of everything and I don't aspire to unite more suicidal and lethal solicitudes to my mind and soul. I must fight because I knew I was in the cryptic part of my journey and I was sure that there was a light waiting for me at the edge and that light will explicate to me how good it is to live.
Ilang buwan na ang nakakalipas... lumipas ang pasko at bagong taon but my new life cycle routine didn't change. I was so sad for Christmas and New Year because I was just locked in my room because I felt like anyone could hurt and abuse me. I just found myself waking up with a nightmares, spacing out, and shouting when the sound that I hated the most attack my ears.
I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder or known as PTSD, emotional trauma disorder and psychotic disorder. I was taking antidepressant and antipsychotic medicines but even with that circumstances I chose to be brave because I knew that this is the greatest cure and powerful weapon that I can win this battle.
"Bakit hindi ko na madalas makita si Magen?" Sele asked Chave.
Nasa sala sila nitong bahay namin kaya napaatras ako. Balak ko kasi sana na bumaba at makisama sa kanila pero bigla akong natigilan.
"He's busy," simpleng sagot ni Chave.
"I don't know him much but I think he's a soft person. Well, 'yung aura niya is katulad kay Rapha pero parang nakikita ko kay Magen na deep inside he's fragile like Heart," Sele proudly said.
"Why? Interesado kaba kay Magen?" bahagya akong hindi nakahinga sa tanong ni Chave.
After what I told to Magen, he didn't go back anymore and I didn't hear anything about him. Ayaw ko rin naman kasi na magtanong.
"Gago ka! Baka marinig ka ni Heart. Hindi ha! Tinanong ko lang. Wala naman kasi masyadong nakakausap si Heart ng matagal. Ayun lang kaya nakucurious ako. Maybe, Heart really loves him. Sana gumaling na si Heart kasi miss ko na 'yung dating siya..." Sele uttered.
Instead of going down, I just didn't do it. As usual my cousins are always here, I think they still have schedules because I heard them once reminding of who is going here and there is still a date and what time. Parang planado lahat ng pagpunta nila. Well, I'm touched but it's bothering me too. May mga trabaho na kasi sila and I'm a burden.
Tumayo ako at sumilip sa sliding window ko. I sighed before deciding to go at my veranda. Napapikit ako nang tumama sa balat ko ang malamig na hangin. Sobrang tahimik at tanging hangin lang ang naririnig ko. Nagulat ako ng biglang may tumunog na cellphone galing sa baba. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita na nagmamadali si Magen na sumakay sa sasakyan at pinaandar kaagad. He's here?! Oh! Why?!
"He look like a mess," I mumbled and bit my lower lips.
Kahit kasi na nandito ako sa taas ay kita ko ang malamya niyang mukha na parang pagod na pagod. Humaba narin ang buhok niya at gulo-guo pero aaminin ko na gwapo parin siya.
"Mom..." agaw ko sa atensyon ni Mom nang makapasok ako sa kitchen.
She is holding a glass of water. Agad siyang napatingin sa akin na para bang kinakabahan siya sa mga salitang bibigkasin ko.
"Tell me the truth... totoo ba na ikaw ang kab--"
"No..." mabilis na sagot ni Mom at namumula na binagsak ang baso sa lababo.
Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na ang dibdib ko sa sobrang kaba. She can't look undeviatingly at my eyes! I wiped my tears that keep on felling on my cheeks. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng parehong mga kamay ko. I can't imagine my mom ruining someone's family.
"Mom! Look directly at my eyes!" naiyak kong sambit.
Gusto ko sa kaniya mismo malaman ang totoo! Gusto ko manggaling mismo sa mga bibig niya ang katotohanan. Kahit na hirap na hirap na ako magtiwala sa mga sasabihin ng iba! She's my Mom and I want a damn truth! Ayaw ko mabuhay sa isang kasinungalingan!
"Mom!" malakas kong sigaw nang manahimik lang siya. "Tita Venisa commit suicide! Her son witnessed it and still holding a grudge towards you and his Dad! I love Magen.... at kwinento niya sa akin kung bakit iritado siya sa akin no'ng first encounter namin. 'Yun ay dahil naaalala niya ang kabit ng Dad niya. Natatakot siya na subukan na mahalin ako dahil naaalala niya ako sa kabit ng Dad niya at bumabalik sa alala niya 'yung Mom niya na nag-aagaw buhay samantalang nagpapakasaya kayo ni Tito Maghel! Tita Venisa needs Tito Maghel! He must offer his shoulder to Tita but Tito offered it to you?! Mom! Ang seselfish niyo naman!" Napatakip ako sa mukha ko at napahagulgol.
"Mags is being a good friend to--"
"Answer my question, Mom. Ikaw ba---"
"I said no 'diba?!" her voice roared as her tears fell down on her cheeks "Bakit ako na naman ang masama?! I'm not a fvcking mistress! Hindi ako kabet! I'm not and I will never be!"
Napaatras ako ng makita ko na napahagulgol siya habang dahan-dahan na napaupo sa sahig. Seeing her like this makes my knees trembled so much. Ngayon kolang nakita na hinang-hina si Mom at naiyak ng ganito kalakas. Para bang sawang-sawa na siya sa mga tanong na tinanong ko sa kaniya.
"It's not my fault if Venisa commit a suicide! She's my bestfriend back then but she chose to betrayed me! Sila... sila ng Dad mo angmay relasyon! She commited suicide because Maghel found out! Ako... alam ko na mayro'ng namamagitan sa kanila no'ng pinagbubuntis palang kita! I kept it alone! No one know so when Maghel found out. He tried to end his relationship with Venisa and tried to go with his son and left Venisa! Venisa admit her mistake but Maghel can't take her apology that's why she commit suicide! I felt betrayed but I didn't do anything but I ended up being mistress?! Venisa's friend and family accused me! I commit suicide too when I'm still pregnant to you! Wala akong matakbuhan kundi si Maghel because we're suffering with the same pain!" Mom stop and wipe her tears and look directly at my eyes.
Hindi ako makapagsalita na parang bang naglaho ang lakas ng loob ko na magsalita. I couldn't open my mouth because my whole body seemed numb from what I heard.
"How can Maghel offer his shoulder to Venisa if Venisa is alreading leaning to someone! I need my man's shoulder but your Dad offer it to Venisa! I'm in damage too but your Dad chose to fix someone instead of me! Wala akong magawa kundi manatili sa tabi ng Dad mo dahil I want to give you a complete family that I've never experience! This is the reason why I can't give you a baby brother or sister! Kasi... kasi ayaw ko na, your dad destroyed me!"
Sabay-sabay ang pagtulo ng luha ko mabilis na napaupo dahil sa mga narinig galing kay Mom. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Nakagat ko ang labi ko para pigilan ang paghikbi. I can't... I can't believe dad. Si Dad ang laging kinakampihan ko sa kanila ni Mom kapag naririnig ko silang nag-aaway because I know my Mom is being a brat. I didn't know that my Mom suffered too! I... I can't believe it!
"T-this is why... Dad give everything to you? Your collections even you're not working?" kinakabahan kong tanong and then he nodded.
Kaya pala kahit ano'ng gawin ni Mom ay ayos lang kay Dad because he destroyed my Mom's heart?! Napagapang ako palapit sa kaniya at niyakap siya. Sabay kaming napahagulgol dahil sa iba't-ibang emosyon. I was numb and I can't see my Mom's sadness! Unting-unti na umusbong ang galit ko kay Dad. Mom is his wife so why is he taking care of someone's wife?!
"Let's talk to Dad---"
"No, Baby. Tapos na 'yon and we fixed that issue. Nag-usap na kami and we're good. Naalala ko lang talaga ang mga nangyari. It's mahirap to erase pero ayos na... no need to worry," pagkukumbinsi ni Mom.
I took a deep breath and shook my head with disbelief "I'm mad---"
Mom smiled and nodded at me "Pwede ka magalit but hindi ka pwedeng magtanim ng galit,"
Hindi na ako nakapagsalita at nag-iwas nalang tingin. Hindi ko matagalan ang maamong mukha niya. Pakiramdam ko kinukurot ang puso ko. I will admit that Dad is the one I often agree with. I'm daddy's girl! Now I understand Mom, kung bakit niya pinapahirapan si Dad and why she lets Dad do everything to support our family. It's because she was hurt.
"What happened?" Dad's voice boomed when he saw me and my Mom on the floor, hugging each other.
Napahikbi ako nang makita ang nag-aalala niyang mukha. He tried to hold my elbow but I avoided it. His brows furrowed while staring at me. Ilang minuto lang ay si Mom ang tinulungan niya na tumayo. He wiped my Mom's tears bago pinagpagan ang pwetan ni Mom. Dad's concern was obvious as he fixed Mom's messy hair.
"You're selfish Dad..." I uttered as I stood up.
Akma niya akong tutulungan but I refused. Kaya ko... kayang-kaya ko ng mag-isa. I don't need him to help me to stand up. I can do it alone.
"What's wrong?" Dad asked before looking at my Mom.
He's asking for help, he looked at me again like he was solving a puzzle that is hard to accomplish.
"You cheated---"
"Powi!" Dad's screech so blatantly.
I laughed sarcastically "I knew already, Dad! You cheated on Mom! You're having an affair with Tita Venisa! I hate you! I hate you, Dad!" naiyak kong sigaw.
I can't accept this! Ayos lang kung ibang tao ang mag-chi-cheat because I can accept it but knowing that it was my Dad?! then no fvcking hell!
"I lied, but I've never been cheated!" Dad's voice boomed.
Natahimik kaming tatlo dahil sa sigaw ni Dad. I know that he's mad and this is my first time seeing Dad like this.
"Venisa is suffering from depression. She likes me and Maghel. No'ng una ay hinayaan ko lang ang kahibangan niya pero binantaan niya ako na magpapakamatay siya kapag hindi ako pumayag na makipagkita sa kaniya. Nothing strange happened or like there was a real affair. We just ate lunch and dinner and then talked. She often hugs my arm which is nothing I can do to rebuke her. That's all!" Dad explained before looking at my Mom. "Sweetheart, come on... let's stop this issue. Nagsisi na ako sa maling desisyon na nagawa ko. Kahit na mali ay hinayaan ko dahil ayaw ko naman may mangyaring masama sa kaniya. Hindi ko alam talaga na... you're suffering from depression too. Please... h'wag kana magalit," lambing ni Dad kay Mom na nag-iwas lang ng tingin.
Napaayos ako ng tayo bago sila pakatitigan. Mom turned her back on Dad while Dad was holding Mom's elbow trying to avoid Dad's hold. They look like teenagers fighting.
"D-did Magen know this?" I curiously asked.
"Yeah... Kinausap niya si Venisa at Maghel bago magsorry sa Mom mo no'ng birthday mo mismo," sagot ni Dad habang ang atensyon ay na kay Mom na pilit parin lumalayo. "Sweetheart, let's end this fight... please naman oh," Dad begged softly.
Kahit hindi nakikita ay tumango-tango ako. All things are clear, I hope Tita Venisa know her mistake and learn from it. Ilang taon na nagsuffer si Magen dahil sa kaniya. I hope Tita Venisa, Tito Maghel, Mom and Dad are totally healed. Hopefully Magen stays strong. Sana maging ayos na ang lahat.
"I'm going upstairs..." paalam ko bago punasan ang mukha.
They both looked at me and nodded.
"Did you drink your medicines?" Mom asked worriedly.
I smiled and nodded "I did earlier, Mom."
"Don't think too much. Ayos na ang lahat ng issue sa family natin at sa Villafueno's family. Let's keep on going I don't want our family to be stuck on the past," Dad mumbled softly.
I just nodded, pinadausdos ko ang daliri sa aking buhok bago ngumiti at lumabas palabas. Narinig ko pa ang hagikgik ni Mom it was as if Dad had tickled her. I pouted...I miss Magen!
"I want to take a vacation..." panimula ko bago uminom ng tubig.
Mom and dad and I are here now in the dinning area and preparing to eat. Sele and Chave also went home a while ago because Mom and dad are here already. They were invited here to eat but they were going somewhere. Nag-angat sila ng tingin sa akin na para bang gulat na gulat sa sinabi ko.
"You want? Are you sure?" Mom asked and stared at me.
Hindi na kasi ako lumabas nitong bahay simula nung nangyari. I'm still devastated because of what happened. I don't use social medias or what because they didn't want me. Siguro may mga negatives ang mga comment nung sa video. Well, I don't mind. The video is real though, not fabricated. I begged and I don't need someone's comforting words.
I nodded "Yes,"
"I have a business meetings this month at sunod-sunod but I can---"
I smiled honestly "No, Dad. It's fine and don't cancel your meetings. I can go..." I grinned.
Mom groaned "Sasamahan kita, where do you want to go ba?"
"I want to go alone, Mom."
Natahimik silang dalawa at napahinto sa pagkain. They stared at me like they didn't want what I've said.
"Where?" tanong ni Dad.
I shrugghed "I want to go in Province. Maybe, Camiguin Island," I answered.
"Isama mo ako or your cousins nalang---"
"Sweetheart, she wanted to be alone. Hayaan na natin, we must trust her. Maybe, she want to heal herself alone. She needs time for herself," Dad convinced Mom.
"When ba?" Mom asked curiously.
Napatingala pa ako para makapag-isip. "Bukas," nanlaki muli ang mata niya at hindi makapaniwalang tiningnan si Dad na tumango. "Tsaka Dad please don't tell anyone where I am. If they insist, say I'm in another country or what. Just give me a month and I'll text you just in case I get there. I really don't want to be with others," I added.
"Alright, basta bumalik ka," Dad assured, I nodded.
Hindi na nakasagot si Mom at tumango-tango na lang din. I just smiled at them before drinking my water. I want to give myself time first and find the real me. It wouldn't really help if I just locked myself up here at home. We just continued eating. Mom and Dad, on the other hand, talked to dispel the awkward silence because I hadn't spoken yet. Tinuon ko nalang ang pansin sa pagkain na niluto ni Mom. Nang matapos kami kumain ay nagpaalam na akong papasok sa aking kwarto and as usual they nodded.
Nang makapasok ako sa kwarto ko ay dumungaw na agad ako sa veranda. Nagbabaka-sakali na makita ko ulit siya. Aaminin ko na pakiramdam ko ay kulang ako dahil wala siya. Gusto ko siya makita... kahit na malayuan... kahit na tanawin ko nalang siya. Gusto ko siyang tawagan. Gusto kong makita ang maamo niyang mukha. Gusto ko marinig ang malalim niyang boses. Gusto ko mapalapit sa kaniya... pero alam kong malabo.
Bumuntong-hininga ako bago hawiin ang mahaba kong buhok. Pinakatitigan ko ang madilim na kalangitan at mga maliliwanag na tala.
Ang mga nangyari sa akin ay mananatiling masamang bangungot na kahit anong gawin ko na pagkalimot ay hindi mabubura. Like a tattoo that is very difficult to erase and if I force myself to erase then I will end up being hurt again.
Until now I can't believe that Hailey put me in danger. I trusted her the most out of all of our cousins because she knows me too well. I trust her too much! But I ended up being betrayed. Maybe, they're right... that trusting people is like a gamble, it's hard to determine who are true to you. I realized that I don't need to trust someone just to call someone a trusted one because all I need is myself. I only need to trust myself.
I arranged my belongings as soon as I booked the flight. Luckily there are flights and hotels available tomorrow so I didn't have a hard time booking. I just bring enough shorts and clothes. I didn't bring bikinis because I don't know, but there's a part of me that makes me nervous like what if someone is rude to me again? So all I brought were rash guards. I also bring sandals and slippers makeup and personal things.
"Tawagan mo agad kami kapag nakarating kana sa camiguin island. Powi, please... if you feel uncomfortable and when you hear again strange laughs then call us. Kahit busy ako ay susundan ka namin ng Mom mo do'n!" Dad panicked said while helping me with my luggage.
Mom, Dad and I are now at the airport. They told my cousins that we would just hang out as a family because I didn't want to let anyone know. They promised not to tell anyone where I was. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit. Maybe, I want to be alone? Gusto ko kasi muna ng oras para sa sarili ko. Ang gusto ko lang muna ay marinig ang malalakas na alon, maramdaman ang ihip ng malamig na hangin at ang tahimik na paligid.
I'm wearing my simple boyfriend jeans partnered with my white knitted longsleeve and brown chunky boots. Nakapusod din ang buhok ko gamit ang bigay na scrunchie ni Magen.
"Yes, he is tama, Powi! You must call us and update us if what's happening!" Mom uttered loudly.
"Mom and Dad..." napabuntong-hininga ako. "When I get there I will call you right away, but I can't promise that I will call every hour because I want to shut down my cell phone while I stay there. If there is a problem with my stay there, I will call you and go home immediately. Please, h'wag na kayo masyado mag-alala. Just remember that I'm in peace," pangungumbinsi ko.
Mom sighed "Nag-aalala lang kami. What if you hear---"
"Mom... let me cope with it," I smiled again trying to throw a convincing aura.
I also know that when such a condition attacks me, I hurt them. The sadness on their faces was like a whip beat of my heart.
"Alright na nga!" Mom pouted before hugging me.
"D-Dala mo ba ang gamot mo, Powi?" garalgal ang boses na tanong ni Dad bago sa akin iabot ang kulay pink kong maleta.
"Oh, come on, Dad! Don't you dare to cry! I'm just going on vacation. Just a month!" natatawang sabi ko nang marinig ang paghikbi ni Dad.
Dad wiped his tears and hugged me "Basta bumalik ka ng buo at masaya na ay ayos lang ako. Kahit magtagal ka pa do'n ay ayos lang at iintindihin ka namin," and then he patted my head softly.
"Sweetheart, let go na! Ako naman yayakap masyado kang eksena e!" Mom irritatedly uttered while pushing Dad.
Mom smiled "Just call us if you need anything. Just enjoy there! My friend is from bohol and she has a friend who is a psychologist so call me when something happens to your condition again so I can call them. Lagi ka mag-iingat h'wag ka masyado maging mag-isa para kung may mangyari man ay may makakita. H'wag ka rin mag-go sa malalim na part ng island baka malunod ka. Always pray before going to somewhere. If you go ----"
"Mom..." I pouted and hugged her. "I'll take care of myself..." I assured them.
"Alright! Go! Get a life!" Mom cheered me up.
Bahagya pa namula ang pisnge ko dahil sa pagsigaw niya. I groaned she pinched my cheeks. Dad tapped my shoulder and smiled while nodding. I waved my goodbye at them. Woah! I'm still lucking to have a parents like them! Such a big blessings!
Tumalikod na ako sa kanila dahil parang maiiyak na naman si Dad. What a crybaby! Napagdesisyunan ko muna na pumunta ng restroom since mayro'n pa namang 20 minutes. May iilan pa na napapatingin sa akin but I don't care. They kept on whispering some gossips about me because they're looking at me. Tinitigan ko ang sarili sa salamin. I fixed my hair put some lipstick on my lips.
My favorite color... brown matte lipstick.
I put the luggage I was holding to my side. I still stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look good but my heart is in turmoil. I didn't look a mess but deep inside I was messed up. Dahan-dahan kong nilabas ang cellphone ko at binuksan. Lumantad kaagad sa akin ang mga missed calls ng iba't-ibang tao but the 226 missed calls and 153 text messages from Magen hooked my attention.
I opened my Twitter already greeting me and also having established me with posts cheering me up as well as Instagram so I ended up smiling. I last opened my Facebook which is why the smile disappeared from my lips. Naging mabilis ang paghinga ko nang makita ang nasa litrato.
It was Magen, sitting on a single couch while a woman sat on his lap. Magen's head was leaning on the woman's shoulder while the woman hugged him and I'm not mistaken who that woman was.
Siya 'yung babae na kahit ano'ng gawin ko ay talo parin ako. Siya 'yung babae na kahit walang gawin ay panalo. Siya 'yung babae na kayang pakisamahan ng matagal ni Magen. Sa kaniya ay kayang iparamdam ni Magen ang lahat ng nararamdaman niya.
Siya... siya 'yung babaeng sobrang nakakainggit.
I clicked the heart button. My heart was thumping so fast that slowly my eyesight was clouded. I blinked twice and perhaps my vision would clear but as I expected I was disappointed. My tears keeps on betraying me. Agad kong nilugay ang mahaba kong buhok. I bit my lower lips as I took a photo of mine with the scrunchie that Magen's gave me. The scrunchie is in the sink and wet but I can still see it in the picture.
A mirror shot... kalahating mukha ko lang ang kita. I sadly posted it on instagram.
@iHeart Letting you go means finding myself.