“What’s the inspiration for the band name?” I ask Calum. Today is the gig but before then, we have to suffer in school first. I have stopped trying to get him off my back but he is still trying to get me to like him. “Did anyone break your heart or Mira’s or Leah’s or Sam’s or Lucas’s?”
He laughs. “Not someone but what?” My lips press into a thin line. He laughs again but it lacks some of its usual warmth. Opening the door to our classroom open, I go in first and he follows suit. “Life did. So we are mending it ourselves.”
“Nice. Maybe you will mend mine,” I mutter as a joke but he takes it serious. He frowns.
“What’s your story, Tessa?” My mouth dries up. I am about to start rambling if I don’t get myself out of this situation and he sets me up with a question. “Have you ever been heartbroken?” I fight back the tears that rush to make an appearance. The class is empty, so it is just us, sadly. “A boy?”
“Yeah.” My gaze lowers to the floor. Ben is not just a boy. “Can we not talk about it?”
“Sure.” He slips his hand into mine. In that moment, we share an understanding. I let him guide me to the row he usually sits in. I usually sit behind because I don’t want to get close to him no matter his efforts. “Do you want to sit beside me today? Don’t say no.”
“Okay.”
We sit in silence while waiting for the others to arrive. Because my parents have to leave the house early and also drop me off, I am always minutes earlier. I don’t know Calum’s excuse but I am grateful for his company.
Calum rests his head on the table, cheek pressed to the desk and lips widened in a big grin. I mimic his pose but without the grin. Unlike Ben, he has a small gap tooth that adds to his allure. Not again. I tell myself I want to forget about Ben but I spend half the time comparing everyone I meet to him.
“Have you ever been in love?” Calum asks.
His eyes are closed so he can’t gauge my reaction to his question. “Yeah.” An image of Ben pops up in my mind. His big smile as he calls me Gracie or asks for a kiss. This distance isn’t doing me any good. I haven’t forgotten him. “Have you?”
“No.” Calum smiles at me like he knows I’m watching. His brows have a natural arc and are less bushy than Ben’s. His lips are as full but his lashes are scanty like mine. Ben is hotter. “But I want to. Mira says it’s a nice feeling.”
“It is.” I smile at my hands running in circles on my desk. Ben might have broken my heart but the memories will always be alive. I look at the board when I feel his gaze boring into me. I don’t regret returning the gifts often but when I do, it’s harder to get rid of the feeling. I should have taken them with me. “If you find the right person, love is beautiful.”
“Did you find the right person?”
Tears well up my eyes and the words on the board blur. I miss my Benny. “Yeah.”
“Then what happened?” Calum’s voice is too near. He must have moved his seat closer to mine.
“He stopped being the right person, I guess.”
And now, I don’t know how to be the person I was before him. I don’t know if I want to find the right person again. It’s too exhausting. Love is beautiful but the amount of damage that can be done to you by the same person who claims to love you as much as you love them can be irreversible. I love and hate love.
“Will you fall in love again?”
I sit up straight. Calum does the same. His smile no longer amuses me. There is nothing to smile about. “Why do you keep asking these silly questions?”
The questions are not silly. They are too raw and I am not ready to bring down the walls surrounding my heart. No one wants to be reminded about the boy who broke their heart every chance they get. I’m so over him.
“I’m trying to get to know you.”
I hold up a finger. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Don’t try to know me. Don’t try to replace Ben. “I like you, Tessa Grace Mower.”
My heart doesn’t riot like it would have done if it was Ben talking. Calum is the guy Mum would be glad I dated. He is a great singer. He doesn’t skip classes. He is in the school football team and he also loves New York.
“Please don’t like me.” Because my heart still wants Benny. I hate him but my heart wants him. I hate my heart for wanting him. If I can switch off my feelings for him, I will. I don’t want to like anybody. “I’m not over him.”
“That’s okay, Tessa. I’ll wait.” Calum’s smile is from ear to ear and I don’t have the guts to break his heart. The pad of his thumb moves across my cheek in slow motion. I don’t know how or when we became friends but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. “I like how I feel around you.”
Having nothing to say to that, I release my breath when the bell rings. The door opens and students begin to file in. Mira and Leah don’t offer the same classes as we do so the only time we see them is during lunch or gym.
Our teacher walks in holding a pile of scripts and a unified groan echoes in the classroom. Mrs Miller is fond of impromptu tests. Last one was yesterday. To be honest, I like them but everyone doesn’t, so I have to pretend to hate them as much as they do.
Her gaze travels round the class and she shakes her head in disappointment. Holding up a script, Mrs Miller says, “Calum Dissick?” My seat partner lifts his head, her frown deepens into a scowl that makes her appear older than she is. She whips her hair over one shoulder. “Don’t just sit there, mister Dissick.”
Mrs Miller can be mean. The class snickers, except me. Calum jumps out of his seat to accept the script. His face pales when he receives it. I stiffen when she calls my name, walking sluggishly to the front.
I relax slightly when she offers me a small smile and a lazy grin breaking out on my lips at the number circled in red ink at the top of my script. Not bad. I take my seat and Calum hides his script.
He motions to the folded paper in my hand. “Let me see.”
My gaze lingers on the pocket of his jacket which his script disappeared into. Smiling at him, I shove mine into my bag and stick my tongue out. If he didn’t do well, it makes no sense showing him my script when I got ninety-seven. Without a boy to worry about, I can put more energy into my books.
Mrs Miller is still distributing scripts with a deep scowl when the door creaks open. The class falls silent and a boy wearing a red face cap steps in.
I love San Francisco, is written on the cap. He must be dumb to be wearing that in New York. He turns his back to us before we catch a view of his face. With the cap hiding most of his face, it would be hard to identify him. He removes his cap and the class starts talking at once. The boy must be new.
There’s no one in the senior class with curly hair framing the nape of their neck. I have been the new girl for a month and counting and I am ready to give up that title. He offers Mrs Miller a note and my heart stops when he raises his head in my direction.
“Do you know him?” Calum whispers.
I jump when he touches my arm. His eyes narrow in suspicion. “What? No. I don’t.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. Of course I know him. I clear my throat to rid myself of the nerves. I am still an awful liar and he is not helping by staring. “Why would you think that?”
He shrugs. “Because he’s staring at you.”
Calum takes my hand in his, maybe to mark his territory and I swallow the lump blocking my throat. His fingers trace the lines on my palms, I withdraw my hand from his grasp with the excuse of needing a note from my bag.
I feel those familiar blue eyes on me but I don’t look up. What’s Benny doing in my new school?
Mrs Miller claps and the class quietens. My palms moisten and my pencil almost slips between my fingers.
“Class. We have a new student,” she booms. I don’t like her sometimes. I continue doodling on my note, when I look down to see what I’ve done, I rip out the page. If I want to forget him, scribbling his name on my pad won’t help. “Introduce yourself.”
Ben clears his throat. My jaw ticks when I catch the girl in the first row ogling him. She doesn’t even know if he’s single. What if he’s attracted to boys?
I swipe my sweaty palms over my legs. Just a few minutes into his arrival and I am already a mess. Ben shouldn’t be here.
“My name is Benjamin Carter. My friends call me Ben.” I raise my head at that moment and he captures my gaze. “My girlfriend calls me Benny.” I flush. My cheeks redden and I pray for the ground to swallow me when all heads turn to find out who or what he’s staring at. Great going, Benny. “It’s good to be here.”
It’s not good. He belongs in San Francisco.
Mrs Miller claps again. The girl in the front seat slumps in her seat, probably in disappointment to find out Ben is not single. Wait, who is his girlfriend? Last I checked, he walked out on me. So I’m not his girlfriend.
“Please, have a seat.”
Ben holds my gaze. I don’t look away as he starts for the seats at the back and I am a bit thankful I agreed to sit with Calum. Calum clears his throat, breaking off our stare-off. I smile at him, or I try to. When he places a hand behind my chair, hot guilt sizzles my insides. I’m not doing anything wrong. Ben and I are not dating. I can be with anyone I like.