It's already past 5 o'clock in the afternoon while Cooper and I are both resting on the sofa facing the floor-to-ceiling window where we can see the whole view of the city. A while ago, he didn't respond to what I said; he just told me that we should rest for now. I don't know what's going to happen after this, but somehow I have a feeling that he's still trying to find a way that I shouldn't discuss it with him.
I wasn't really interested at first, but he keeps changing his attitude towards me, like I did something so bad, yet I didn't do anything.
Nevertheless, I'm his wife, and I think I'm supposed to know everything, right?
My head is resting in his chest, and I can feel his heart beating like crazy, so I can literally tell that he's a bit nervous about what can possibly happen next after this "rest thing".
I took up the last bits of courage in my body as I got up and sat properly beside him. He's not even sleeping, and I know he knows that I'll be so stubborn as to bring up the topic again.
"Can you tell me what's happening now?" I asked calmly this time.
He then got up and pulled me closer by my waist, so I ended up straddling his waist as he pulled me even more to sit on his lap. We're now facing each other, and it's pretty hard to look him in the eye.
"Look straight into my eyes first," he said, like an order again. I don't know, but if he's the one who asks for it, I know I'll probably obey everything in just a split second, with or without complaining.
Just like he said, I looked at him. I can almost feel the intensity in his eyes, and by the way he caresses the side of my waist, it looks like he wants to do something more. But I won't give in, as much as possible.
This is a trap.
If I ever do it with him, I know for sure that we'll both forget what I'm about to ask, and it will just eventually be neglected. But I want some answers now, and by that, I mean I want to know what's going on in his room.
"You're pretty much interested," he said as a matter of fact.
"I'm your wife," I said shortly. "I'm supposed to be interested in what my husband's been doing in the first place."
"Are you angry now?" He asked so suddenly.
"No."
I crossed my arms against my chest and tilted my head to the right just to observe every part of his face. I've never noticed that he has a cute little tattoo just under his left ear, as well as his light spots of freckles in his cheeks that you can just see if you look closely.
"Whatever the thing that you'll discover, promise me you won't tell anyone about it." I'm a bit flustered, as I heard him talk so seriously like that. It looks like it's really important.
"Can you promise me that?" He asked eventually.
I looked him in the eye, but I still can't see anything but a soulless man that is way different from who I've been with in the Maldives.
"I don't want to promise anything to you," I said as I lowered my head. "But I'll handle whatever it is that I might discover."
I heard him sighed as he stopped caressing the side of my waist. He gently pushed me to the side to get off of his lap, and as soon as he stood up, he held out his hand in front of me. But before I could hold onto it, I looked at him.
"I'm a cruel man," he said.
"So?" I replied.
"You won't like me the moment I reveal to you what's going on," he said coldly.
"I don't like you that much now," I lied as I reached for his hand. "So just let me know everything."
He started to pull me closer to him as we walked side by side towards his room. I'm trying to calm down, but I'm a bit nervous, and I can't help it. Should I just leave it?
We are already in front of his room, and the moment he holds the doorknob, I can't help but stop him from doing it. There's something inside my head that's telling me that I shouldn't do this. But I'm her wife, and I need to know about it.
"You changed your mind?" he asked.
I shook my head and chuckled a bit.
Maybe this is not the right time for me to know. Right, I should just leave it for now.
"I'll just rest in my room for now," I said, quickly letting go of his hand to run as fast as I could up to my room.
The moment I closed the door, I couldn't help but scratch my arm with my own sharp nails. I eventually felt the pain, and so I fell down on the floor. I gave myself a not-so-huge scratch, but it's already bleeding. What is happening to me?
I'm hurting myself just because I get what I want by forcing him, and it feels so wrong. I've never felt this way before. Back then, when I forced someone to do things the way I wanted to, I felt so much pleasure and satisfaction in my head, but today it felt so wrong when I forced him to say it himself.
What is wrong with me? Am I that dumb to let my defenses go down the moment I realize I have feelings for him?
Is it because I love him?
What is wrong with me?
I got distracted as I felt my blood dripping down my arm. I quickly went to the bathroom to clean it, and while I was washing away my own blood, I felt tears running down my cheeks. I tried to wipe it as much as I could, but I just eventually sobbed, and my knees felt weak. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried.
In my thoughts, I keep blaming this feeling I have for him. I'm in love, and it's so hard to handle now.
"Shit, this is frustrating."