After 6 years
I SIGHED as that memory flooded my mind. That was the first time something happened to Jeremy and me and after we did it, he fell asleep. I dressed him up even though my core was hurting as hell. Later, in the morning, he thanked me and he still treated me like before. He didn’t remember the memories we shared in his bed which is a good thing. But it wasn't just the first time.
That went on and on until I could no longer count the times we did it and to this day, I know he still doesn’t have any idea about our sexual affairs. Good thing he has a lot of women but I know I’m the only woman he fucks. According to him, he’s always loyal to Diane and he can’t just do it with another woman.
I rolled my eyes at that thought. Loyal, my ass. But here he is, fucking me.
We were both 18 when we did it and now, we're 24. He's a doctor and I'm a veterinarian. We're both working here in one of the famous private hospitals in Cebu. I mean, he’s the only one who works in the hospital. My clinic is right next to the hospital where he works.
We still act like we were before, though. Nothing changed, except my feelings for him. It seems to get deeper as time passes by. It was like diving into the sea and I no longer knew how to reach the surface. Even though I can, I won’t because instead of doing so, I choose to swim deeper instead. How stupid of me.
I looked at the guitar in my hand. One of my hobbies is composing songs about how I feel or mostly, about Jeremy. Well, he doesn’t know that the songs I compose were all for him. He just thinks that I’m a person who always write songs about love but has no experience when it comes to that thing.
I sighed as the cold breeze blew. I wrapped myself even more in the cardigan I was wearing. I looked at my guitar once more and played a C chord. I began strumming as I closed my eyes.
As I write this song
I think of you
The way you laugh
And brighten my day
This was one of the songs I wrote for Jeremy, the very first song that I wrote for him. It was at this moment that I've realized that I've fallen for him too deep.
Should I stop denying
These things that I feel?
When I try to deny these things
I can't explain the pain it brings.
At first, I totally denied it because I couldn't accept it. Why Jeremy? We're friends. He is surrounded by a lot of women. I know he only considers me as a friend. I also know that he will never, ever, reciprocate my feelings. So. . . why him?
Pain etched my heart as I sang the chorus,
Should I stop these feelings
Or tell you what I feel?
The more I try not to let it show
The more it grows
I thought I can still prevent my feelings for him to go deep, but I thought otherwise. I thought showing him through little actions that I love him would make my feelings stop. Turns out, it won't. Even though I let my feelings show, my feelings still grow, stronger than ever.
I laid down my guitar and stared at the dark sky. Suddenly, I was interrupted by a clap. My eyes widened and I looked behind just to see Jeremy standing at the entrance of the balcony. What the fuck? Did he hear it?
“Nice song, Jan. What? Do you like someone?” He jokingly pulled my tied hair and I couldn’t help but give him a glare. My god, he always likes to tease me about my hair! I don’t know anymore.
I felt him sitting next to me and I put down my guitar. After six years, Jamie finally heard the very first song that I wrote for him without even having any idea that I wrote it after realizing that my feelings for him have grown deep.
I adjusted my seat after I put down the guitar. His scent immediately filled my and I felt the urge to close my eyes. Shit. His perfume, alone, can already make my system crazy. I sighed as I felt my heart race. Damn, I’m a hopeless case.
He looked at me. "Why is your hair always tied like that, huh?" he said, laughing, and fixed my hair, gently tucking the loose strands behind my hair. The butterflies in my stomach fly, making me purse my lips. I tried to keep my face straight and snorted at him.
“Why don’t you mind your own business? I like to tie my hair this way.” Jeremy never saw me with my hair down. Even though we fuck a lot of times, my hair tie doesn’t just easily go off. Aside from that, I’m used to tying my hair this way.
“The air is cold as hell. Just let your hair down. Let me see it,” he stated. I just rolled my eyes in annoyance and got my mirror and curler in my cardigan pocket. Yep, I love to curl my eyelashes a lot of freaking times. It became a habit. I guess.
Jamie laughed. “You really like to curl your eyelashes! There’s no need to do so, Jann. You’re eyelashes are already long,” he said in a low voice and shook his head. I kept on ignoring him and focused my attention on my eyelashes. He's right. My eyelashes are already long, but they're not curled up. My eyelashes can really be shitty sometimes.
I put my stuff back in my pocket and looked at him. “You're just jealous because your eyelashes aren't long," I teased him. His eyebrow arched and he gave me a playful smile.
"At least, my noise is pointed unlike yours. Disappointed nose." I gasped. How dare he tease my nose like that?
“You really are a devil! Do I really have to say that, huh? Need to make a face? ” I jokingly pulled his hair and he laughed out loud. I stopped when something entered my mind. Jeremy, eating my feminity and I, gripping his hair tightly while crying his name.
I quickly let go of his hair and swallowed the lump in my throat. Shit! Why are these naughty thoughts corrupting my mind?
"Oh, what's that face?" he pointed at my face. The idiot seemed to notice my mood swings. I could feel my cheeks turning red because of that thought. Fortunately, it was too dark so he couldn't see my reddened cheeks. Fuck. Why was I thinking that?
“Why? What's with my face?" I acted clueless. His eyes narrowed even more. I suddenly felt uncomfortable under his stares. Why is he staring at me like that?
"Nothing. It's ugly!" He burst out laughing. I gasped in disbelief Me? Ugly? I slapped him on the arm. Wow! This jerk is surely thick-faced.
“Excuse me? For your information, I have five suitors. All rejected! ” All rejected because of him. How can I give them a chance when Jeremy completely invaded my entire brain? I don't want to make them feel hopeful.
“Feisty. The way you said it seemed like they're applying for a job,” he stated and laughed. His eyes are glistening with amusement. I just snorted and rolled my eyes. If he only knew he was the reason I rejected all my suitors. Dang, I surely grow old single.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “By the way, why did you come to my house, huh? What? Are you going to tease me again?” He scratched the back of his neck when he heard what I said. I raised an eyebrow at him. Why is he here? Jeremy can go inside my house anytime he wants because I gave him a spare key. I'm currently staying here in one of the houses my parents gave me. I was planning to let them live with me, but my sister insisted that our parents should stay with her and her family so our parents could be with my nephews and nieces.
Minutes passed but Jeremy still didn't speak. I stared at him. What? Does that mean he will let me cook dinner for him?
Again? Shit. What a jerk.
“Can you cook for me? I'm too lazy to cook!" I rolled my eyes and blew out an exasperated sigh. Just what I thought! There he is again! Fortunately, I always cook a lot because he has come here many times just to eat.
“Just tell me you missed me! You crazy shit. ” I got up from my seat with the guitar. He followed me and I heard him close the balcony door. I returned my guitar to the guitar stand and headed to the kitchen. I could feel him following me like a dog. I laughed softly. How cute.
I took what I had cooked a while ago from the refrigerator. "Get your own utensils utensils, you piece of shit," I said as I closed the refrigerator and placed the food on the table. I looked at him and the devil made a sad face. He dramatically put his hand over his chest as if I hurt him.
“Ouch. You have been cursing me since a while ago,” he said sadly. I made a disgusted face as I put the food on the table. I don't know what to do with him anymore!
I was scratching my head as I walked out of the kitchen when he suddenly held my wrist, making me stop on my tracks. Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to calm my raging heart as I felt the warmth of his hand around my wrist. Shit.
Blowing air, I opened my eyes and boredly looked at him, trying to maintain a straigth face. “What else? Do you want to drink juice? It’s in the refrigerator. You go and get it. You have feet, duh?” I even pointed to the refrigerator and I took my wrist from his grip. I suddenly feel weird upon the lose of contact, missing the warmth of his hand. Fuck.
I shook my head to clear my mind and looked at him. I could see him smiling foolishly at me. His elbows were resting on the sink and his palms were folded in front of his stomach. His brown almond eyes are staring directly at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to hide my nervousness.
"What? Stop staring at me like that!" I hissed at him. He still didn’t speak and was
still staring at me. My heart did backflips under his stares. Shit!
"Hey! Are you listening to me?" I snapped my fingers in front of him. He smirked.
“For whom did you compose that song? I think my childhood friend has a love interest.” His grin widened even more. My face almost turned sour. If this jerk only knew.
“Love interest, my ass. Stupid! I was just bored that's why I composed it! Why? Is it forbidden? Do you really need to love someone to make a love song? Duh!” I left him there in the dining room and before I could get out, I even heard his laughter. I clutched my fist to my chest as I sat on the sofa, feeling my heart racing against my hand.
I jumped on my seat when Jeremy sat beside me and hugged me sideways. He followed me? I didn't notice!
I held my breath as my butterflies wandered in my stomach. Shit. A big shit. I’m still not used to him being clingy to me.
"Come and eat with me, please?" He said in a soft voice. The jerk is trying to charm me, huh? And I got charmed. Fuck.
Exhaling, I nodded which made him chuckle.
"Yes!" He ruffled my hair and kissed the top of my head, making me purse my lips. My heart suddenly thumped at what he did and I tried to hide what I feel. Damn, this is getting difficult.
"You're so naughty! Why do you always love to mess my hair, huh? ” I frowned and slapped his hand which made him laugh. I frowned even more when he pinched my nose. There he goes again!
“Take your hair tie off. I wanna see you with your hair down.” He was about to remove my hair tie when I glared at him. I don't really want to! Why can't this jerk fucking understand?
“Don't you dare play with my hair, or do you want me to play with that black forest around your dick instead?” Jeremy laughed hysterically. I slapped his thigh and stood up. Jeremy looked at me.
“Come on. You said you want me to join you in the dining table, didn't you?” I rolled my eyes heavenwards. He grinned and stood up before putting his arm around my neck.
"Sorry. I just missed you,” he said softly and kissed the top of my head again. I held my breath when I, again, felt the loud thump of my heart because of what he had done. I calmed myself and slowly released my breath.
It seems like I can never really move on from this jerk. My love for him will surely be
eternal, which only means one thing:
My love will forever be unrequited.