Brianna is awake.
I race out of the office with Sophia hot on my heels, desperate to know what’s up. El’s voice swims in my head, forming a thick cloak over me. Anticipation curls my insides, I almost miss a step on my way out.
My baby is awake.
At the garage, I pat my pockets for the keys. Nothing. Where’s my briefcase? I groan, patting my pockets for the second time with more care as if the keys will magically appear. It does. I pull the bunch out, arm trembling as I try to hit the unlock button on the fob. I miss it the same way I missed the keys the first time.
The fob drops from my hand, Sophia picks it to open the door. Inside the car, shook and unable to move with my hands tightened around the steering, I stare into space. By awake, she means not asleep, right? Not the false alarm that happened last time.
“What happened?” Sophia asks once she slides into the passenger seat.
“Brianna is awake,” I repeat the words like a programmed robot. “Brianna is awake,” I say it slowly and with more conviction. If I say it enough times, it will make it impossible for her to relapse before I arrive.
Sophia’s phone rings. I don’t catch a glimpse of the caller’s identity before she picks. “Yes,” she says to the caller. “No, don’t do anything. Sit still and wait for us.” Sweat forms under my armpit, the chill air does little to ease the heat building in the pit of my belly. I squeeze my knees, try to practise a breathing exercise but my breath lodges in my throat. I stop trying. “We are on our way,” she whispers.
“Brianna is awake,” I say when her call ends. She shoves her phone into her pocket. “She is awake.”
“I know.” Her smile is warm but I can’t reciprocate it. We are wasting time here. “El called.”
The nerves intensify, my palm grows clammy. Foreign emotions course through me, I should start the car but my brain is too muddled. How does a car work? The key is in the ignition, what next?
Sophia murmurs something under her breath. A specialist or a therapist. I am not sure. And I don’t care. Without warning, I start the car and step on the brake.
The car jerks into action and stops, throwing us back to our seats with a cruel force that has both of us groaning. A flicker of pain shoots up my neck, I fumble around for the seatbelt and click it in place.
“Are you trying to get us killed?” No? I am trying to get to Brianna. “Move. I’ll drive,” Sophia says.
I look down at my hands wrapped around the steering wheel. I am shaking like a wet leaf. If I don’t pass out before we reach the mansion, it will be a fucking miracle. My hands lower to my lap.
“Are you sure?”
Sophia chuckles. I reconsider the decision to let her take the wheels. “You don’t have much of a choice.” I dart a cautious glance at her. It’s either Enzo is driving or I am. I don’t trust others to drive me. Another sigh escapes me. I shouldn’t have given him the day off but I needed to keep myself busy. She rolls her eyes when my gaze remains on her. I trust her, not her driving. “Yes, I am sure, Brandon. I will drive.”
Stepping out of the car seems to be a bigger problem, Sophia walks around the car while I manage to move to the passenger seat. We soon join the other cars on the road. The car ride is a haze, she does most of the talking. I think she says something about being calm and I snort. Like telling someone to calm down has actually calmed them.
Once she drives in through the gates, I shoot out of the car without waiting for her to park. I skip upstairs and stop at the door of Brianna’s room. My hand connects with the door but I don’t push it open. I can’t push it open and I don’t know why. I was eager to be here but anxiety has my limbs locked in place. Fear curls my guts, I start pacing the length of the dim-lit corridor with my knuckles pressed to my lips.
What’s the big deal? It’s just a door. A door. It shouldn’t be hard. I retrace my steps to the front of the door and do nothing. Bloody fucking coward. That’s who I am. What if she goes to sleep again while I am out here being such a wuss?
The door opens before I make up my mind, El almost runs into me. I stretch out my hands to steady her. She regains her footing and steps back. We are not on the best of terms right now but she is a breath of fresh air. Overwhelmed with emotions, I drag El in for a hug and sniff her neck, welcoming the faint scent of her perfume that settles over me like a duvet. She pulls away but I don’t give her the chance to leave.
Confusion clouds her eyes, I ball my shaky hands into fists by my sides. “I’m scared,” I confess. Her lips press into a line, my heart slows when she inches backwards. I can’t go in alone. I’m a fucking sissy. The ensuing silence sends a flurry of butterflies dancing in my stomach, I stare at her feet. “Go in with me.”
I count. Until ten before my head raises. And until twenty before her lips finally move.
“Okay,” she replies. Okay. Nodding, I expel a ragged breath. El palms my cheeks, forcing my eyes on her face. “You need to get it together.” After I see her. “For her sake. Okay? You don’t want to spook her.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to freak out my baby. She loosens my tie and undoes the top button of my shirt like she is preparing me for a meeting. My chest expands with warmth, I muster a smile as her hand runs over the wrinkles on my shirt. I follow her breathing pattern and some of the tension evaporates.
“Brandon, she is fine. Sophia is attending to her.” My mouth opens and closes, I sink my fingers into my scalp. While I was out here being a pansy, Sophia got to work. El interlinks our fingers and a small smile flies to my lips. Why am I so nervous? Brianna is okay, now, I need to get my shit together. “Are you ready?”
“No,” I blurt out.
El’s responding laughter chips a bit of the edginess, we step inside with our hands laced. That familiar smell welcomes me, I drop El’s hand and stagger to the bed. Sophia is on the bed, whispering to Brianna who is propped by a pillow behind her back. She snaps her fingers, drawing me out of my stupid trance.
“Water. She needs water.”
I make a U-turn but El jumps to my front, blocking my path out. “Stay,” she whispers. “I will get it.” I continue staring at her like she’s a mirage until she presses a soft kiss to my lips. “Stay. I’ll be right back.”
She storms out. I run a hand over my face, pinch my cheeks. I need to snap out of this nonsense.
“Is she okay?” I ask. I find myself back at the foot of the bed. Unlike Sophia, I can’t sit or feign calmness. I watch her watch Brianna intently, speaking to her like she can hear her. Brianna’s eyelids flutter, even that slight movement seems to be painful and slow. So slow a sloth would win a competition based on speed against her. I push past the mental and emotional block and step forward. “She is awake, right?”
“Yeah but we need to run some tests and scans,” Sophia is saying but her eyes are glued to Brianna. I fold my arms on my chest, lips sealed. She lifts Brianna’s hands, inspects her skin for God knows what and nods. “We need to get her to the hospital to see a neurologist. She needs a brain scan. MRI…”
I tune her out as Brianna’s eyes finally flitter open. Lost in a world of ours, my hands fall to my sides and I straighten up with my back stiffer than a pencil. Her eyes are glassy. She stares at me. Or, right through me. I am not sure. I squat at her side and grab her hands, littering kisses over her knuckles and clammy skin. She is white as a sheet, staring at me like a possessed doll. It’s a bit creepy but I will endure anything as long as I have her back.
Brianna blinks, lines appear on her nose and I bop it. “You have my nose. You have Daddy’s nose.” It sounds more real saying it out. There’s a smile in my voice and a big ball of warmth spreads through me. “You are okay, Princess. Daddy is here.”
She might not understand what I am saying but she is fine. Even if she’s gawking at me. I don’t hear Sophia move or El enter the room until she gives my shoulders a small squeeze. Brianna closes her eyes, Sophia shoos me and sets to inspecting her. I don’t know if I am dragging myself or El’s helping me move but I manage to reach the end of the bed.
We sit. Right where we sat five years ago when I brought her here for the first time to share some of the burden. I don’t cry. Just stare at the door. My tear ducts are dry. My heart is so heavy. I am too numb with relief to process everything properly. I rest my head on El’s shoulder, her fingers curl inside my hair. We watch Sophia make some calls, ask strange questions. She raises Brianna’s hands like we used to do in the past, asks some more questions.
A sad smile finds its way to my lips, tears blur my vision and I lower my head to El’s laps. She plants a kiss on my temple, fireworks explode inside my stomach and a calming riptide washes over me.
Brianna is okay. I am okay.