The ride home is quiet. It’s always quiet but the silence leaves room for me to think. I don’t want to think.
“Turn on the radio,” I tell Enzo. There’s a brief moment of hesitation before the voice of the presenter fills the air. “Thank you.”
Raindrops pelt the window, rolling down to the floor. Buildings come into view as we take a turn into a residential street. A boy runs out of a brown house, his father catches him before he steps into the rain. His rambunctious laughter rings out after him. Given the chance, I am sure he will do it again.
Why can’t I be a kid again? I miss the days Brendan was still Brendan and Brandon was still Brandon.
“Sir?”
My head raises. We are home.
But the problem is the Porsche in the garage. Only one person drives a Porsche. I scamper to the house. He didn’t tell me he was coming today. Brianna is in the house. He doesn’t know about her.
The living room is too quiet. My shoulders sag in relief when I see him alone. Joshua is on the couch, positioned the way I was at the bus-stop with his hands locked behind his head. I clear my throat and he looks up. His pensive expression disappears and his lips break into a smile. I sit beside him. I don’t know why. Maybe I need the warmth of a sibling.
“Hey,” he says, “welcome.”
I kick my shoes off and rotate my ankles. “Thanks.” Another pause. “What are you doing here?”
“Thought I would surprise the girls,” he answers. El travelled out of town to a place she believes I don’t deserve to know, leaving the twins in my custody for this week and next. I don’t believe Joshua’s explanation so I pin him down with a stare and he lets out an awkward laugh. He scratches the back of his neck. “I was thinking...” I arch a brow, he clears his throat and sits up. “Hear me out. I was thinking I could take them with me to Salford today.”
Our parents are in Salford. I haven’t seen them since that dinner. It was a waste of effort to invite them but it was important to El. I throw my hands over the back of the couch and cock my head.
“What’s happening in Salford?”
Joshua shrugs. A sound catches my ears and my eyes flicker to the staircase. I love the twins. I will gladly give my life for theirs but I am relieved they are not aware I am back. They would have smothered me with kisses and hugs. I don’t want that. I want a... I don’t know. But I don’t want hugs and kisses for now.
“Their anniversary was last month,” he says at last. Good for those old people. They lasted. The perfect embodiment of till death do us part. “They are having a small party to celebrate it tomorrow. Thought it would be nice to let them see their grandkids.”
Tension stiffens my muscles. I am fine with our current arrangement. A video call once a month. The girls missed last month’s, I didn’t care to remind them. They can spend all the time in the world with El’s parents, I wouldn’t mind. Speaking of them, my hands clench on my knees. Is her father okay?
She mentioned he was sick back when I was foolish enough to believe our second chance would last.
“Yeah,” I say at last. I can call her to ask but I am following her rule. Joshua relaxes with a smile. “It would be nice for them to see their grandkids. But not my girls, not my twins. Once you have kids, you can take them to Salford as much as you want. That will be nice.”
An emotion flashes across his face, aging him in seconds. He wipes his palm on his chinos and my gaze darts to the stairs. I am ready for the kisses and hugs now but they are not here. Since they are not here with their uncle, they must not know he’s downstairs or they are too busy with their sister.
They think it fun to recite the alphabet to her. A for apple, B for ball. Hello has become our official greeting to Brianna.
She has not spoken since that day. And I am almost convinced my mind tricked me since the doctors said she wouldn’t be speaking anytime soon. Maybe it was a miracle. She is a miracle. A strong fighter. I let my thoughts consume me, better than discussing parents I won't touch with a ten foot pole.
If she had a normal life, she would be in high school by now. Maybe even have a boy crush I might need to scare.
Would she have continued painting or dropped it for another hobby?
The twins love to dance, though they are not good at it. Give them a beat, they will move their bodies and I will be the first one to cheer them on. Would she have been a better dancer? Would they have gotten along? Would I have married El?
If there wasn’t an accident, my life would be different. There would be no twins. No Elna. I wouldn’t have walked into the building where her father worked and spilt coffee over the freshly mopped floor.
“Aren’t you tired of it all?” he asks in a whisper. How can I be tired of something I pretend doesn’t exist? Joshua sighs. Man. He is doing that a lot. “If they don’t reach out, why can’t you be the bigger person?”
I don’t want to be the bigger person. I want to be petty. Now, I want to see the light die from your eyes when you realise I am the cause of your misery. Five years ago, El was the bigger person yet the dinner ended in a screaming bout. Sometimes, I don’t know what we are fighting about. But we must fight. There has always been a gulf between us, a great disconnect that grew worse after Brendan’s accident. They must know how he died.
It is too much of a coincidence that he ceased to exist and no one questioned it. I hate them more for that. How can you be so comfortable knowing your son killed his twin brother? And you go as far as covering up for him. Old fuckers. Good thing they are too old to bring anymore kids into their world.
Joshua realises I will not be answering him and switches to a safer topic. “Is El pregnant?”
A cough stumbles out of my lips. I place a hand over my chest. El made it clear more than once. No kids. No boys for me except I want them from someone else. I don’t see that happening. She’s the definition of annoying but I want her to carry all my kids. Or none at all since she is adamant about this child issue.
“Why would she be pregnant?”
“Because it’s what happens after couples have sex.” I miss the sarcasm and he proceeds to give a more reasonable response. “The twins kept talking about their sister.” He frowns, half-expecting me to say something but I am silent. “They left me here. Makes me wonder if I am still their favourite uncle.”
A smile springs to my lips. He is their only uncle. Their favourite. “They do have a sister,” I reply.
Joshua punches the air. “I knew it. So El is pregnant?” In his excitement, he misses the shake of my head and starts rambling. “This time around, the baby will be a boy. I can feel it, brother. You have to name him Josh. It’s short for Joshua.”
Laughter bubbles out of my lips. He is awfully pleased by his idea. Any boy we have is getting my name. “El is not pregnant.” Joshua deflates so fast I want to lie to please him. “But they do have a sister.” His eyes snap to my face. “Your niece.”
Varying emotions cross his face. He stares through me like I am a clown. I chuckle. “You cheated?” His tone is cautious, my responding laughter is deep and throaty. Cheated? I can’t be with another woman. Even if we never get together, El will always own me. I belong to her. It dawns on him, he nods twice and says, “Good to know you didn’t.”
His relief is heart-warming. “Good to know.”
Another long moment of peaceful silence passes. His foot makes random circles on the floor as he wrings his hands. I cast a glance at him, he averts his gaze and a ball of nervousness lumps in my throat.
“Can I ask you something?” There is a subtle shift in the air. We are about to step into new, unscathed territory. I don’t like it but I shrug. “I have always wondered why. You couldn’t stand each other’s guts but never in a million years would I have thought you would go that far.” My pulse quickens. I don’t want to have this conversation with him. Not with him, not with anyone. “Why? Why did you kill him, Brandon?”