Ben linked me and told me that our friend wants to get together tonight at the dinner. This will be the last time all of us will be together for a while. They want to meet tonight at 8:30. Ben made sure to tell me that Seleste will be there and told me to be on my best behavior. I’m a little offended that he felt the need to warn me about my behavior. I know I did some dumb stuff over the last year, but Ben is my best friend. He of all people should know that I am sincere about wanting to be better and that I am taking all of this seriously. On the other hand, I have to admit that he has the right to be concerned. They all tried to warn me in the past and I didn’t listen. I was stubborn in my determination to do the wrong thing. I guess it will take time for them to believe in me again.
I’m feeling I asked the strain and consequence of my actions emotionally. Right now, I just feel drained. I heard from Convel that he had been taking most of the pain from the rejection for me. Even though he was mad at me for doing what I did, he still helped me. I asked him to let me take some of the pain. He did not deserve to feel all of it on his own. I was the one who made the decision, so I needed to feel the pain. I did not realize how bad Convel was hurting and what he was going through while I was going forward with my plan. Just feeling a fraction of what he dealt with is almost putting me on my behind.
I have about 3 hours before I meet my friends for our dinner. I think I will go to the clearing and just soak up the energy there. The area had gotten dull for a couple of days, but it is re-energized now. I think Seleste forgiving me and deciding to leave the blessings and protections of the moon goddess with our pack made the difference. I still can’t believe how badly I almost screwed up my pack. If not for my dad and Seleste, my pack would have fallen apart over something petty. The moon goddess showed me and my pack mercy. She knew I did not know what I was doing and I am so thankful that she saved me from myself.
As I make it to the clearing, I see Seleste is already there. I’m not sure what to do right now. I really want to be here and feel like I need to be here, but I don’t want to disturb Seleste. She deserves a chance to relax and escape the drama that I have caused her. Maybe I can just stay here on the edge of the meadow and be really quiet. I don’t think Seleste has noticed my presence yet and hopefully, I can sit here for a few minutes without disturbing her.
I sit right here on the edge and focus on my breathing. It is amazing how just being in or near this sacred ground can restore our spirit and aide in our healing; physically and emotionally. Just as I began to relax, Seleste spoke to me.
“You don’t have to stay over there Trevor, the meadow is big enough for the both of us.” Seleste says.
“I know, but I didn’t want to disturb you. I know after everything, you needed this time to recharge.”
“I’m assuming you need this just as much as I do. Convel told me you asked him to let you feel some of the pain of the rejection. I know from experience that it can take a lot out of you.”
“Convel talks too much.” I say. “I just want to give him some relief. He had been taking all the pain for me without me knowing. I thought I was fine. I knew he had been really quiet throughout everything, but I didn’t know how much he was suffering. I want to make it easier for him and feel the pain that I caused.”
“That’s very mature of you. Convel is a great wolf. I am glad that you are being there for him.” Seleste says.
“Seleste, I know I have said this already, but I really am sorry for the things I did. I really regret hurting you and Tamaska. You were my best friend, and you really didn’t deserve the things I did to you. I am so ashamed of my behavior.”
“So, why did you do it? Did you really hate me that much that you were willing to destroy me and everything that I cared about? Help me understand why you would want to hurt me like that. I thought we were closer than that. I thought I meant something to you before that. I mean, I know we never dated, but we were closer than friends. If we are honest, we felt the bond long before we knew we were mates, so I don’t understand what happened, and that hurt more than anything.”
“Honestly, Seleste, after thinking about it for a while, I can say, it really wasn’t about you. It was really my insecurities and my feeling inadequacy. I didn’t feel like I was enough for our pack and I was trying to prove that I deserved to be alpha, although I didn’t believe that I did. The more insecure I became, the more I felt threatened by you. The warriors looked up to you and followed you without question. Even my dad respected you. I felt threatened by you. I thought you would challenge me and I knew I couldn’t win against you, so in my immaturity, I convinced myself that you were a threat and I needed to get rid of you.”
“But Trevor, I would never do that. I’m a warrior and protector. I don’t want to be an alpha.”
“I know, but you are an alpha wolf and a natural leader. Everyone looks to you in crisis or anything to do with combat or the security of the pack. I was insecure and immature. I can’t even begin to explain my mindset at that time. I wanted to prove to myself that I was better and stronger in some messed up way. In the end, I messed everything up and now I am starting over and doing things the right way.”
“True, but that’s the job of a gamma to fight, protect, and train. I never wanted anything else. All I wanted to do was support you and make you better.”
“I know that now. After the other night, I went back and studied the story of the originals and now have a better understanding of the roles. I understand the level of respect your father has for my father and level of respect your ancestor had for mine when they left the Royal pack and started this one. I still have a lot to learn, but I will work hard at being a better me.”
“I really hope everything works out for you. The pack needs you. Trevor, I really want to see you succeed. You are the future of this pack. I hope that this has been a learning experience for you. Being the alpha comes with a lot of responsibility and learning to recognize and utilize the resources around you. Even as the protector, I have a full team around me. I will learn from them and they will learn from me. I have to depend on them with my life. Although I know I can take care of myself, I have to trust my team. What I’m trying to say is trust the process, Trevor. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and we will all be better after this. The moon goddess has a plan for us.”
“You are right. Thank you.”
“Well, I’m going to head in and get ready for our farewell dinner. This was good. I’m glad we had a chance to talk. I know Convel already told you this, but I really don’t hate you and truly wish you all the best.” Seleste says as she gets up and leaves.
*I lie here for a while longer. Since I am already dressed, I don’t need to go home. I stay in the meadow until the very last minute. I walk back to the pack house and get my car. I can say that for the first time in over a year, I’m looking forward to all of us being together. I know that Seleste and I are not friends again, but I’m glad we are not enemies.
I make it to the dinner. All of my friends are already there. I come in and find a seat at the table. I can tell there is still a little tension in the air. Our friends don’t know how to act with Seleste and me both in the room. I need to clear the air with our friends so that we can have a good night together. So many mistakes were made by me and I don’t know how to fix it, but I will start by taking ownership of my behavior.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, I addressed all of my friends and put my heart on the table.
“Guys, I know I made a lot of boneheaded decisions in the past year. You all tried to warn me and talk some sense into me, and I ignored you all. I am sorry for putting you all in an uncomfortable position and making you feel like you had to choose between two of your best friends. I can’t go back and change the past, but I promise, I will work on being better in the future. I want tonight t be a fun time for all of us. You guys do not have to be on eggshells with me,” I say.
“I’m glad you own up to your mistakes. I won’t lecture you about this. I know you have gotten that from everyone else. I will say that I am disappointed in the choices you made, but I’m still your best friend and Beta.”
“Like my brother said, we are still friends, and as your friend, I can tell you that I am still angry with you. Your actions hurt one of us and that is not ok. Having said that, since Seleste has forgiven you, I will do the same. I’m glad you came tonight.” Rose said.
The others also expressed their anger as well and, like Ben and Rose, they also expressed their support. Seleste just sat there and let everyone speak. Once everyone had expressed themselves, Seleste told us all that we should not dwell on the recent past. In a couple of days, we will go in different directions, so she said we should make the best of the evening.
Clearing the air was the best thing I could have done. I know my friends will always support me although they won’t always agree with me. They will also always tell me the truth.
After we cleared the air, we all ordered and talked about all the crazy things we did growing up. Listening to all the stories helped me realize just how royally I screwed up. We have always had each other’s back. I don’t know why I thought Seleste would want to take over. I can see that she has always been a team player and all about the pack. She would never do anything to cause a split in the pack. The 10 of us went through a lot together. We had some good time, and I almost ruined it all. I am glad I finally opened my eyes. It’s still a little tensed, but in time, I believe we will all be close again. This time apart and distance will help us work on ourselves and rebuild our relationship. This was a great idea.
We all hung out for a couple of hours before we went to our homes.
I see my dad is waiting up for me when I get in the house. I look at him to gauge his mood. He does not seem stressed. That's a good sign.
"Hi Son, I was waiting up for you. I have some updates about the academy. You will meet with the royal gamma when you get there. He will handle your admission and will be your guide. He will do your initial assessment."
"What does the initial assessment entail?"
"I can't tell you. You have to be able to perform this assessment with no prior knowledge of what to expect. They are testing your ability to think critically and act at a moment's notice. As an alpha of a pack, you never know what to expect and you have to make in the moment decisions. Just keep doing what I have seen you do over the last couple of days and you will be just fine."
"Thank dad for believing in me and giving me a second chance."
"Trevor you are my son. I love you and I will always be there for you. I may be disappointed in some of your actions, but it does not change the fact that you are my son." My dad gives me a hug. "Now get some rest, you have a lot of packing to do to prepare for your trip to the royal pack."
I am so blessed to have the parents that I do. They love me unconditionally. I walk into my room and look around at all the things in there. I need to think about what I will take with me besides my clothing. I don't want to take a lot of unnecessary things. I can always get what I need there if I forget anything. I do want to take some of the pictures of me and my friends over the years. That should keep me grounded and remind me of what is important. Now that I have a mental list of the things I want to take with me, I'll take my father's advice and get some sleep.