I often hear the saying, "If the weather can change, can people change too?" It's a thought that carries both positive and negative implications. Recently, I've come to realize that people are indeed capable of changing, whether for the better or worse. This realization brings about a mix of emotions, both good and bad.
Unfortunately, I find myself leaning towards the negative side of change at the moment. I'm afraid to admit that something has shifted, especially in regards to my relationship with Logan. I can't help but wonder if I've become too clingy or if he has simply become more distant. Whenever I try to make plans or spend time together, he cancels and claims to be busy for extended periods.
How busy can one be for two whole months since Christmas and New Year? I'm tempted to feel angry and demand his attention, but I question whether I even have the right to do so. I don't typically seek excessive attention, but Logan's previous actions have made me accustomed to having him by my side. Now, I feel more ignored than ever, and it's already almost March.
As I sit in the backyard, messaging him for an update, not a single message arrives in my inbox. Irritation and annoyance consume me. If his intention was to make me angry and test my patience, then congratulations, because Logan has pushed me to my limit.
Why? Does he have someone else? Why can't he just be honest so I don't continue to hope in vain? It's incredibly difficult. No matter how much I try to shake myself out of it, deep down, I've anticipated this outcome.
I'm tired of waiting, especially when it feels like I'm waiting for nothing. I want to confront him, but I don't want to come across as an immature girl desperately chasing after him.
I wish he hadn't shown any motive if this was going to be the result. It's as if he used me and suddenly discarded me. It hurts immensely, but I've kept this pain to myself, sharing it only with Alice.
If I were to confide in my mom and my brother, it would undoubtedly lead to trouble and unnecessary complications. If I were to share it with my other friends, they might lose respect for Logan. I don't want history to repeat itself like it did with Andrew, you know? I don't want another relationship to crumble because of me, especially considering how much Christian and Lance admire Sir Logan.
"Oh, your face looks as sour as the mangoes you're eating," Alice whispered, noticing my distress.
I let out a heavy sigh, a sigh so heavy that I sometimes wonder if the men in my life were solely created to test my endurance. Trusting other men has become an arduous task for someone like me, and if this pattern continues, my trust issues will only grow deeper.
"Just let me be. I'm troubled, and I'm grateful that you're here for me to talk to about my problems," I confided in Alice.
"Of course, we're like siblings. That Logan of yours was only good in the beginning. If I ever see him, I'll give him a piece of my mind," she said, her anger evident.
I looked up at the sky and said, "For now, let's focus on the fact that the school year is almost over. How time flies, right?" She was right. Time truly flew by.
It feels like just yesterday that Logan and I were so close, and now he's out of reach, seemingly disappearing out of thin air. He's even worse than someone who borrowed money from me and refuses to show up.
If he doesn't want to be around, then fine. I just hope he won't avoid me like a coward and can be a real man who faces me.
The difficulty lies in the fact that he's actively avoiding me, and I'm left clueless as to why. Maybe I did something wrong? Or perhaps the problem lies within me? Slowly but surely, my confidence is dwindling, and my mental state is becoming toxic because of him.
That's why, in a moment of vulnerability, I suddenly burst into tears in front of Alice.
To occupy myself and divert my thoughts from these matters that harm my mental well-being, I threw myself into my studies. I spent most of my time out of the house, going on trips and exploring. The first step I took was to block Logan's number. I also gathered all the items he had given me, those that reminded me of him, and placed them in a box, asking Alice to keep them for me.
As my feelings towards Logan gradually transformed into anger, I knew there would always be a place for him in my heart. Letting go wouldn't be easy, but there was a voice inside me whispering, "Yes, it's time to stop." Because I'm the only one who looks foolish in this situation.
Claude has been away for a while, visiting his work in Claybourne. I'm unsure about the details as he often changes the subject whenever I inquire. It's clear they're hiding something from me, and it's another aspect that upsets me. However, I've reached a point where I feel numb towards all these situations and the challenges that life throws at me. Should I really be surprised anymore?
On the last day of school, I found myself sitting alone on a bench near the covered court. I contemplated leaving. Sooner rather than later, because this paradise I once cherished has become something that leaves a deep scar on my heart.
Especially when the person who showed me the beauty of Clayland is the same person who gave me a reason to abandon it all. I will leave everything behind.
In an attempt to distract myself and prevent negative thoughts from overwhelming me, I pulled out a collection of pocketbooks from my bag. They belonged to Alice and, as long as they didn't fill my mind with negativity, I didn't mind reading them.
"Are you alone?" a familiar, annoying voice interrupted.
It was Maribeth. It had been a while since she had spoken to me, often avoiding me since that incident occurred.
"I just wanted some personal space," I replied.
"I know what you're thinking about," she said knowingly.
I let out a sigh. "I don't want any trouble."
"I'm not here to cause trouble. I just want to make sure you understand. Maybe you already know why you're not seeing Logan anymore. He's focused on his true love. The original one is back. We all know you can't compete with Rhaena, the one he truly loves," Maribeth revealed.
The name struck me like a bolt of cold water, a lightning strike. My eyes stung, and tears silently streamed down my face.
"Hey, don't cry! I was just trying to do you a favor by telling you," she said.
I wiped away my tears and chuckled. I had expected all of this, as if I had foreseen it happening. The day would come when he would find someone better than me, and I had accepted that. But it still hurts, doesn't it?
No matter how prepared I am, it still hurts.
"Thank you for telling me all of this. I won't stay in Clayland anymore. I will leave this place and everything behind as if nothing ever happened."
"If that's what you think is best, good luck with moving on. All I can say is that, even if I apologize now, I can't take back the hostility I showed you. Whether you believe it or not, I regret it. I just hope you find the answers on how to face it alone."
At least I have something to bury with me when I leave.
I'm certain that forgiveness won't come easily. I'm not the type of woman who forgives quickly. However, I realize that I'm someone who still hopes for the opportunity to forgive, though not to forget.
As I head home, one thought lingers in my mind. This is my last day at school, and perhaps I'll only last another two months in Clayland.
Clayland brought me so much happiness, but I understand that nothing lasts forever.
Logan, damn you!