Chapter Twenty - Five
What have I done? What is going to happen now? What will I do with this baby? How will I get out of this situation now? If my family found out about it then? If anyone in my class finds out about this ... No, no. I can't let that happen. but what if? Was Shirley right about Mike? Was he really a bad person as Shirley claimed him to be? Was I really blind to his true personality? If so, how come I never notice? And if he was not a person that Shirley told me then what was of the push he just gave me? What in the freaking hell, I was gonna do?! Should I tell Shirley?
My legs came to a halt in front of my dormroom and I stopped. Suddenly, I was really scared. What if Shirley was inside? What was I gonna tell her? Doubting, even if I should tell her about this. But if not her then who? There was no one else in my life whom I could talk to, about a topic like this. She was the only person who I could trust with something like this.
But ... but now I did not even have her. She was not talking to me. My sisterlike friend - was not talking to me.
And all of it because I did the only thing she warned me about. Now, I was facing the consequences of it. She never judged me, never held me back. But one wrong thing and everything had gone south. I knew she warned me about Mike because she had a very strong reason but I still think that Mike was not the one who sold her. It must be his friend. I mean the way Mike behaved today was nothing like he normally did but it did not mean that he would go that low.
But then ... on the other hand, Shirley said that she heard Mike's voice on the other side of the phone. I did not know anything anymore. Was Shirley right on this matter? Or there was seriously some misunderstanding and she accused Mike wrongly? Whom should I trust more? Shirley or Mike? Shirley was like my sister so I knew that I should trust her more than I trust Mike but all the time that we were together Mike never showed signs that he was a druggie, who would sell a person just to pay off his debt to his dealer.
I mean he was working at such a young age, he moved out of his house and was now living in a rented house on his own. At such a young age, he was taking care of himself when most of the kids were just worrying about passing the upcoming exams. He was more responsible than most kids. However, above all these reasons there was one main reason that topped them all.
He was my boyfriend. How could a guy with that soft touch, that gentleness, could do that to a girl? His deep, butter voice can't sell someone in return for a debt. No, he would not do that. He was practically a gentleman, he could not do that. I knew he couldn't.
"Are you going to stand there like that forever or are you going to go in?" The voice came from behind me. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath to soothe the pain that voice brought me. It had been a whole week since she directly talked to me. I swallowed hard before slowly turning around.
There she was, with her normal work clothes and a ponytail. Shirley gave me a once over and a flicker of worry entered her before it vanished as soon as it came into her eyes. Tears filled my eyes but I blinked too fast to dry them. I did not want Shirley to see me crying. Shirley could not even imagine how much I missed her voice. HOW much I wished during this whole week, that she would just hold my gaze for more than two seconds.
I nodded my eyes before I opened the door and walked inside it.
Walking inside the room, I threw my bag on the floor of the side table and went over to sit on my bed. My whole body slammed on the bed as I sat down. It was then I realised how tired I was, my weight felt twice as it usually was. I wondered if it was because of the baby that was inside me. Then I realised that it was too small to have any weight on me. Yet, I could not help it and touched my stomach to feel anything. Nothing. Maybe, it was because I was so tired.
After five minutes, Shirley walked out of the bathroom. She had freshened up and changed her clothes for bed. I had to change for the bed too, so I just walked inside the bathroom and began changing clothes. I took off my clothes and stopped. I examined my tummy in the mirror, looking for any sign that might suggest that I was pregnant. But there was none.
I still could not believe that I was pregnant. For whatever reason, suddenly tears filled my eyes and dripped down on my cheeks. This time, I didn't even try to wipe my cheeks, instead I leaned against the wash basin and let all of them flow out. My nose ran but I did not make any crying sound. It was unnatural. I didn't even have the idea why I was crying, I just knew that the crying went on for more than five minutes.
Finally, I gathered myself. Without too much time, I changed my clothes and washed my face with water. At last, I stepped out of the bathroom. Right the moment I opened the door, Shirley raised her head from her bed and looked at me. We stared at each other for more than three seconds then we both looked away simultaneously.
I walked over to my bag and pulled out my school bag and pulled out a book to read. At last, I laid down on my bed and opened a random page in the book. I tried to read the first sentence on the page when my mind drifted back to the thought about telling this to Shirley.
How will she take the news? Especially knowing that this baby was from the very person she hated the most. I don't think she will react well. But what will she think about the baby? She, out of all the people, knew what this news meant to me. She knew how my family would react to it. She knew how it would jeopardise my school life and career in general etc.
Above all this, will she take this as a betrayal? That I did not tell her first or the fact that I had sex with Mike in the first place? Will she be mad? Will she stop talking to me forever now? Will she ask me to keep this baby or would she suggest me that I should get an abortion?
Abortion. I did not even consider this an option until now.
"What's going on with you?" I heard Shirley ask me. I faced sideways to find Shirley staring at me. I frowned because I did not know what she was talking about.
Maybe, she read my expression because she pointed to the page that I was holding. "You are staring at the same page for more than ten minutes. You are clearly thinking about something else. So, what is it?" She asked, her voice the same cold as before, even though her question seemed like she was worrying.
I fidgeted with the idea of whether I should tell her or not. I looked down at my bed and thought about whether I should tell her or not.
"If there's nothing, then whatever." Shirley commented and with that she went back to read whatever she was reading. Disappointment hit me. Should I have told her about this? Will she listen to me? Even after everything I had done to her.
For more than ten more minutes I kept on thinking about it. Yet, I could not come up with any clear decision. If she took this news badly then what was I going to do? But what if she took it well?
I was still trying to come up with a decision when Shirley closed off her book, shut down her side of the lights and turned to the other side so she could go to sleep. At that moment, I had a sudden and deep urge to just spit everything out.
"Uh, Shirley?" I called out to her.
She glanced over her shoulder and looked at me. "What?" She asked, seeming mildly irritated that I was disturbing her. She probably thought that I was bothering her. After all, a few minutes ago when she asked me my problem, I did not answer her, then what was now that I was going to tell her.
"Nothing." I whispered back to her, not wanting to disturb her sleep. Shirley looked at me for a few more seconds before turning back to her side and muttering, "Whatever."
I shut off my book, switched off the light and laid down on my bed too.
Maybe tomorrow.