The night wind whistled in the rigging, burning my face with cold, but my conversation with Grimuar was much more heated.
"You say fifteen years is your limit?" Grimuar looked at me, and the light of distant stars reflected in his eyes. "Zenhald, I've known people who lived eighty years but never learned what love or loyalty is. And sometimes—what it means to truly live. If you give her fifteen years of happiness, it will be more than many receive in their entire long, boring lives. For her, these years could become an eternity that she will keep in her heart when you forget everything. Memories... she will cherish them."
"Memories!" I cut him off sharply, and my voice sounded like the crunch of breaking ice. "Memories, Grimuar, are the most dangerous thing in the world. They are the worst thing that can happen to a person!"
I angrily poked a finger at my temple.
"Memories bring nothing but trouble. They force you to look back, to cling to what is no longer there. And whoever clings to the past will never find the way to the future. Memory is an anchor that drags you to the bottom!"
Grimuar didn't look away. He only wrapped himself tighter in his fur cloak.
"What do you know about memories, Zenhald? To you, they are a burden because you are afraid of losing them or afraid of what they might show you. But don't judge everyone by yourself. For us mortals, memory is the only thing left in old age, when the body fails and friends depart. Alastia is not a fragile little girl who will break from a light breeze. She is a Supreme Archmage. If she chose you, knowing about your curse, it means she weighed everything. She is ready to love you the way you are. Isn't that true happiness? And you aren't a bad person, Zenhald..."
I laughed bitterly, and that laugh made Grimuar flinch.
"You just don't understand what you're talking about, man!" I leaned forward, and my scarlet eyes flared in the darkness. "I am terrible. I have wiped nations, cities, and entire countries off the face of the earth just like that... purely for fun, do you understand?! Because I was bored or because someone looked at me the wrong way. You're talking to a monster that simply put on the mask of a child. You have no idea who I really am!"
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Grimuar looked at me for a long time without moving. The wind ruffled his gray hair.
"Perhaps," he answered quietly. "Perhaps you have done terrible things. But the 'you' standing before me right now is tormented by the thought that he might hurt a woman. Monsters don't agonize over such questions, Zenhald. They simply take what they want. But you... you are running from your own heart."
I didn't answer. I simply turned away to the black water.
Grimuar sighed heavily. Pulling a small flask from his coat, he took an unhurried sip, keeping a piercing, intent gaze fixed on me.
"You say you wiped out nations?" he asked quietly. "I have only one question for you, Zenhald: the one who destroyed entire worlds, and the one standing before me right now—are they truly the same person? Or completely different people after all?"
He leaned against the railing, and the light of distant stars highlighted the deep wrinkles on his face.
"Real monsters aren't tormented by a conscience, kid. They don't sit on the deck at night trying to convince a random passerby of their own awfulness. Someone who is truly empty inside isn't afraid to hurt another—they simply don't care. But you... you scream about your darkness only so no one gets too close to you. You're just a wounded beast that bites every time someone tries to pet it."
I wanted to object, but Grimuar raised his hand, calling for silence.
"I think Alastia understands everything perfectly. She knows your sins better than you do yourself, and yet she is ready to accept you the way you are. By pushing her away 'for her own good,' you are making the biggest mistake of your life. Ask yourself a question: the Zenhald from the past, and you—are they the same person? I think if you give your heart to Alastia, she simply won't let you commit those terrible acts again. She has enough strength, intellect, and wisdom to guide you, because every time you return to her like a blank slate."
He fell silent, peering into the black abyss of the ocean.
"She will write her story on your blank paper. And if you trust her, that will become her happiness."
I stood up sharply, feeling everything boiling inside from a mix of anger and strange relief. I had already turned around to leave when Grimuar's voice caught up with me:
"Only a fool persists in his delusions, Zenhald. A true fool realizes he is wrong, but still tries to prove he's right to the bitter end. Don't be such a fool."
I froze without turning around. Grimuar smirked faintly, looking at the dark waves under the keel.
"Although..." he added almost in a whisper. "Between the two of us, Zenhald, I'm the real fool after all..."