Ava wasn’t privy to the team’s internal affairs — she was an outsider, after all. Though she’d done the Tribunal’s bidding, she wasn’t officially a part of their ranks. If she was being honest, she was glad for it. She wasn’t the one that needed to be the first line of defense in fights.
When everybody had returned to the safe house, she’d naturally assumed that night patrols would resume. She knew for a fact that Beor and Eimir were gone on one, which was why the soft rummaging of a third person didn’t surprise her. Clearly, it had been time for a rotation. It wasn’t her place to question why only one person on patrol was being relieved and so she’d paid it no mind.
Ava continued her light organizing of her data space, a ritual she’d learned to do to pass the time while everybody else was asleep. She liked to think it was her version of resting and she’d come to find the process incredibly cathartic.
It was only when she heard two other people descend the stairs that Ava realized something might be wrong. Rann and Kell used hushed tones to avoid waking the others, but since Ava’s room was on the first floor, she at the very least was able to determine who was waiting in the kitchen.
Beor and Eimir returned through the front door and gave a status report on their findings, which was kept brief since there was nothing of note to relay. Rann and Kell left shortly afterwards and Beor and Eimir went upstairs to rest.
Ava frowned from where she was seated on her bed, realizing that there was an unaccounted-for person that had left the house without anybody else’s knowledge. She left her room quietly with her comm in hand, wondering how best to determine who had left without waking the others.
She eyed the front door and counted the shoes. There was a pair missing when she compared the scene to one from earlier that evening in her data bank. The clue prompted Ava to approach to have a better look at who’s shoes were left. It didn’t take her long to come to the conclusion that Jyn was the one that was missing.
That wasn’t good.
Everybody had been briefed about Jyn’s fragile state of mind, which had been further reiterated by Reya and Adrian before they went to bed. Even though they’d all agreed not to leave Jyn unattended, they’d presumed he would at least sleep through the night given how exhausted he’d looked right before he retired.
Ava knew that Jyn had left through the front door, but not where he was going. Given how isolated the safe house was, he could be anywhere in the mountains by now for all she knew. Putting on her shoes and taking her coat, she quietly exited the house after pocketing her comm.
It was incredibly dark outside, but that didn’t bother Ava. Her creators had thought to give her a limited ability to see in the dark. Her world turned monochrome as she refocused the lenses in her eyes.
At first glance, she was unable to discern any obvious signs of Jyn’s passing. The team’s patrols muddied any trail Jyn might have left. Ava wandered further away from the house, ignoring the footprints in the grass that indicated the passing of multiple people. As she walked towards the ship, she noticed an ever so slight change in the dew on the grass in front of her.
Scanning the ground nearby, there was a faint trail of depressed grass leading towards the ship. Ava decided to follow it to see where it led. Unsurprisingly, it went straight towards the ship’s ramp. Ava frowned, wondering why Jyn had felt the need to board the ship. Given that it was still there, he clearly had no intention of leaving with it and stranding everyone at the safe house.
She followed the trail and sure enough, there were wet footprints that matched the ones Jyn’s boots left leading up the ramp and into the ship. Even though she wasn’t permitted to board the ship alone, a growing sense of unease pushed her forward. She followed the footsteps until she reached the door leading further into the ship, only to find it unlocked.
She continued her search, ignoring standard operating procedures. Though she knew she shouldn’t, she wasn’t a fool. Kell had warned everybody about Jyn’s fragile state of mind and she decided that ensuring he was safe took precedence over her restrictions.
The footsteps marked a barely imperceptible trail deeper into the ship, which Ava deftly followed. It brought her to a storage room that was also unlocked. Puzzled, she opened the storage unit where the trail inside ended and withdrew one of the many bottles within. “Alcohol?” Ava muttered. “He knows he’s not supposed to have anything.”
Without access to the ship’s inventory, she had no way of knowing what exactly was missing. Returning the liquor back where it belonged, Ava closed the storage unit. Eyeing the faint trail leading out of the room, decided to follow that one to see where it went. A short while later, Ava found herself standing outside Jyn’s personal quarters. She’d never been allowed in before, but the rules had been long since tossed out the window.
Ava attempted to open the door, only to find it locked. She hummed in thought for a moment, her gaze fixed on keypad that would let her in without Jyn’s personal passkey. There were no input ports anywhere to be found. Running scenarios, she decided that if she were to gain access to Jyn’s room, she needed a more direct approach. She knew she shouldn’t, but she decided that finding Jyn took precedence over standard operating procedures.
Ava raised her fist and punched with all her strength the keypad, shattering it. With a wince at the pain, she withdrew her hand and watched with fascination as her silver blood worked immediately to seal the deep gashes on her knuckles and begin repairing the damage. It wouldn’t be instantaneous, but she would heal far faster than a normal a’vaare.
Ignoring her throbbing hand, she used her uninjured arm to reach behind her neck. Her skin parted and Ava withdrew a slim cord and brought it to the keypad. Now that she had access to the inner workings of the lock, she could perhaps find a way to bypass it. Connecting the cord to the motherboard, Ava plunged into the lock’s data space. It didn’t take her long to force the lock to allow her entry into the room. The door silently opened and she took measure of what lay beyond.
The sight of Jyn slumped on the floor with a gun pressed to his head sent an electric shock through her system.
His finger was on the trigger, tears streaming down his cheeks. The hand holding the gun trembled as Jyn struggled against what little shred of will to live survived the orange chemical. Quiet sobs filled the room with a bleak desperation wishing for peace from the unspeakable agony he’d suffered and the pungent smell of alcohol left no doubt as to Jyn’s sobriety.
He had no idea Ava was even there.
Ava’s eyes widened at the sight and her thoughts kicked into overdrive. Countless scenarios played out during the precious few seconds it took for her to determine the best course of action that would keep Jyn from killing himself. She didn’t want to shout and risk startling him. If she did that, he might pull the trigger accidentally.
“Jyn,” Ava said softly, “please don’t do this.”
Jyn’s eyes snapped open and flicked towards the untimely disturbance. Distantly, he registered that it was Ava who stood before him, but his thoughts were elsewhere. Tears still streamed down his face. “It’s the only way,” he said miserably between sobs.
“No, it’s not,” Ava said, making no move to approach Jyn lest he act rashly. “This isn’t you, Jyn. It’s the alcohol talking. You’re stronger than this.”
“Not anymore,” Jyn said hoarsely. “I just want it to stop,” he hiccupped. “But it won’t. It can’t.” He kept his only hope of salvation pressed to his head.
“It will,” Ava replied gently. “Just give it some time.”
The patronizing lack of empathy sparked anger in Jyn’s chest. His eyes regained their focus and his gaze bore into Ava. “What would a machine know about suffering?” he spat, not bothering to mince his words. Ava flinched, but Jyn continued. “You have no idea what the orange chemical felt like. You were made by the same monsters that conceived it. Your purpose once was to hurt others. What do you truly know about pain?”
“I understand that it was awful,” Ava said carefully, trying her best to hide her hurt, “but time and distance will surely help.” She desperately wanted to refute Jyn’s words but chose to hold off on unleashing her own tirade upon him when he was clearly still fragile.
“I can’t run from myself,” Jy, his earlier anger suddenly deflating. “It’s a part of me now in a way I never thought possible.” Tears spilled once more. “There’s only one way to make it all stop.”
Something snapped inside Ava. “You miserable piece of shit!” she fumed. “You had a life before this. Choices that were your own. I get it. You can’t put a band aid on this and pretend it’s not there. But you know what?” she asked, her anger growing with each word. “At least it’s your choice to end it.” Her own silver tears welled in her eyes. “For so long, I never even knew what the concept of a choice was. My thoughts and my actions weren’t my own. I was nothing more than a fancy puppet of misery. And once my strings were cut and I was about to die, I made the first choice in my entire existence.”
“What did you choose?” Jyn asked.
“To live,” Ava hissed. “And then guess what happened next? I died.”
“You’re here now,” Jyn frowned, not understanding how Ava could have died when she was clearly fine.
“This is a new me, born in the same facility that you found Adrian in,” Ava said. “On Earth, I was fatally wounded. I uploaded as much of my code as I could and begged Conner and Ellie, my assistants, to transmit it to the other body waiting in the gru’ul facility. I died,” she said while choking up.
“I didn’t get to upload all of my code. I had to take over this body and the result was an entirely new being. I’m not the same Ava that made her first choice, nor am I a gru’ul instrument of death any longer.
“But you,” she continued, “had an entire life! You were born free in a way I never was until just recently. Even now, you have a choice you get to make. If you truly want to die, nobody will be able to stop you. I chose to live where you choose to escape like a coward. You disgust me for willingly giving up something so precious.”
Jyn was at a loss for words. His tears had stopped, though he hadn’t noticed when. “All others do is hate me,” he lamented. “My team. The woman I love. And now even you. Nobody wants me around, so why should I stay?”
“Then change!” Ava screamed. “If people don’t like the current you, become a new version of yourself. Listen to what others have told you time and again. But don’t die,” she pleaded. “Unlike me, you will be missed once you’re gone. You have people who once cared for you and still do. No,” she said shaking her head, “your death is a loss for the world. Mine is the one that will go unnoticed and not be mourned. You have everything I ever wanted once I knew I could have it.”
“How could anybody be jealous of me?” Jyn asked, baffled. “I lost everything I had.”
“You only think that,” Ava replied softly. “But your friends spent a lot of time around your bedside worried about you while we were retreating. Even Adrian. You’re blind and a fool if you believe you don’t have a place in the world.”
“Verilia has been reduced to rubble and ash,” Jyn said heavily. “It’s changed just as much as I have and there’s no going back to the way things were. What place could I possibly have left to take if I can’t even be a part of the war any longer?”
“The war will end eventually,” Ava replied. “You’ve done your part as a protector. You saved the lives of countless civilians and soldiers alike during your missions here after the war started. Soon, it will be time to build something new. Be a part of that change. If you can’t find it in you to exist for yourself, then exist for others. Exist for the hope of a better future and help build a new society the way you envision. Reya and Adrian will be just as central to Verilia’s future as they are to its present and so will you.”
“You truly believe I have a place to belong, after all that I’ve done?” Jyn asked. He lowered the gun held to his head ever so slightly. “Why do you go so far for someone like me?” Try as he might, he still didn’t understand why Ava would care about him in the slightest. She had no reason to. Her actions and words confused him. Without even realizing it, his thoughts of suicide had taken a backseat in his mind.
“Because that’s the type of person I want to become,” Ava said sadly. “I’m tired of hurting others and being a herald of misery.” Silver tears welled in her eyes. “I will never be able to atone for what I’ve done, even when under gru’ul control. But I don’t have to be that person any longer. I have the choice to be better and care about others. And by your dead gods I will.”
For the first time since her arrival, Jyn fully lowered his gun. He leveled a long, searching stare straight at Ava, his eyes searching hers. Ever slightly, near imperceptibly so, something shifted in his gaze. Ava would never know just what it was that had changed in him at that moment and Jyn would never tell, but it was enough for him to change his mind. “How do you do it?” he finally asked. “How do you face your faults and all the wrong you’ve done and love yourself for them?”
“I don’t,” Ava replied bluntly. “I have no love for what I used to be. That person will always be a part of me and I will forever hate her. Instead, I will grow and love the person I choose to become. I want to take actions that put me on a path I can look back on, years from now and be at peace with.”
Jyn went silent, mulling over Ava’s words. “I’ll never be able to grow past the orange chemical,” he said.
“Then grow around it instead,” Ava said. “Accept it as a part of you. Reya and Adrian will be able to help you with that more than I can, since they’re the only ones to experience it and live of their own volition.”
“Why would they help me after all that I’ve done to them?” Jyn asked. “I don’t deserve their kindness and I don’t want their pity.”
“Because they understand,” Ava said. “They know how hard it is and don’t wish that on anybody else. Not even you. How about you put your gun down and we go back inside to the house.”
“I don’t think I can face the others,” Jyn said. “I fear what they’ll think of me.”
“The only way to work past tonight is to face it and stop hiding,” Ava said.
Jyn nodded and let go of his gun. It clattered on the floor. Ava walked towards him and extended a helping hand. Jyn slowly reached towards it, only to stop right before taking it. Ava didn’t give him the chance to back down and reached forward, grabbing a hold of Jyn and hoisting him up. She kept him steady as he wobbled, kicking the discarded gun away.
The pair left the ship and went back towards the house.
Together.