‘What am I doing?’
I remained silent and cursed myself for not saying anything. A silence fell upon the table and the cozy environment- which was never formed, was turned into tension.
“Rebecca.. I ..” My grip on my fork and knife tightened.
"...Say something, Ryan." Said Jared.
"Uh…" I trailed off. Rebecca sighed and put her hand over my shoulder and passed me a reassuring smile which sent daggers to me.
"It's okay, I shouldn't have asked. There's no need to prove. " She again handled the situation.
“And beside that fact we are married should be enough for you guys to not ask this question.” And her forbearance broke. Shit.
“Did you guys marry out of fun to ask about ours?” Rebecca snickered, folding her arm.
A silence fell upon the room, she left them speechless.
“See. So don’t ask this question again.” She said assertively.
“Don’t interfere nor try to question our bond because I can do the same with yours and it won’t end well.” She muttered, rolling her eyes off.
“Oh, Why?” Selena asked.
“Why is your husband not holding your hand? Ryan is.” She said, holding my hand roughly under the table and showing them.
“Did you notice he is having trouble chewing the rice? Maybe he doesn’t like them yet you made it.” She mocked, smile growing wider.
“Why don’t you do it now?”
“Rebecca, enough.” I growled, pulling her hand to stop. All of them glared at her, hating her visage.
“Okay. For you, I won’t say anything.” She whispered, kissing the back of my palm and continued to eat.
My heart skipped a beat in dismal and disbelief at her actions and words.
How she single handedly controlled the air and asserted her presence.
And I felt low.
The rest of the dinner went in silence.
The drive back was silent. Rebecca was massaging her jaws that ache from her constant pseudo smile.
“Tsk, Damned evening.” She sighed as her smile again faded and that firm wall of being void came back.
“You call them friends? What a bunch of assholes.” She muttered, shaking her head, closing her eyes.
I remained silent with my mind still grasping around tension.
We reached home as she sighed and turned her head to me. I turned to look at her.
“But…” She narrowed her eyes as it seemed like her posture broke and she could burst into tears anytime.
“One thing...” Her azure eyes filled up with immense grief as if something was eating up from inside, turning her void.
“What..?” I asked hesitantly.
“I know I deserve public humiliation but…”
A look of disappointment flashed in her eyes as all of her desperation and those unbearable emotions faded away the instant I tried to lose myself in them.
“It hurt… a lot.” A look of wrath and coldness built up a wall.
I felt like she felt no one was allowed to see the real her.
"For a second, I thought… You are different." She said in a croaked voice.
“I know it's my fault but I did.”
She then closed her eyes and took a deep breath as her affectation came back as she began to say in her cold voice.
"I thought at least you would be different from any other person who left me in the dark. I personally admire you for being kind but I forget you resent me.” She laughed dryly, lowering her head.
“I was an idiot to think that of all people you would hate me behind those doors and not let the world degrade me but…” Swallowing the lump in her throat, her eyes emptied from emotions.
“Thank you very much Mr Knight, for making me realize that I am still standing on that wall which is surrounded with nothing but misery." She spoke with venom.
“That I was hated and will always be hated.” Growling, she grabbed her bag on the dashboard and walked out.
I remained still, feeling utterly stunned and abashed. My heart felt heavy as my chest tightened.
“What.. Did I do?” My grip on the steering tightened as I emit deep breaths. My lips began to quiver as she left me humiliated.
‘I felt contrite, the person I suppose to make feel ashamed, embarrassed me.’
I closed my eyes as a tear fell from my eye to my hand. I curled my hands in a fist and cursed loudly,
"FUCK!! GOD DAMMIT!! TO THE HELL WITH YOU!" I ran my hands in my hair and also came inside.
“Damn bitch-” I loosen my tie and went to my room and saw Rebecca in nothing but a towel wrapped around her.
“Ar-” She was rubbing her shoulder but stopped.
My eyes widened as I looked at her, stunned for a second.
Her body seemed flawless, there's a tattoo on her right shoulder with something like, 'Mari-Jane-Acca" written on it in a fancy font.
She glared at me and hissed, "Show some dignity and get the hell out."
I averted my gaze and walked out. I grit my teeth as I felt so frustrated, like the distress in killing me from inside.
I punched the wall feeling extreme consternation. I rub my temples and walk inside only to see her using her phone, resting her back on the bedpost.
"You are the most revolting guy ever." She said emotionless.
"Shut up, Woman!” I raised my voice.
She only raised her eyebrows with no reaction.
“You made me like this! You have taken away my peace, You witch!" I yelled at her, taking my anger out at her.
But she seemed unaffected as she replied in an uninterested tone,
"I am sleepy right now, or else I would be more than happy to drown you in guilt more." She yawned and put her phone aside as she laid on her side of the bed.
I grit in my teeth feeling enraged as I went to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me.
That woman never fails to break the last straw of my tolerance.
“Dammit.” I decided to take a cold shower to take out all this agony building inside me. Her words echoed in my mind, wreaking havoc in it.
I wanted to scream and let out this anguish feeling of being depraved.
I feel disgusted at myself. I am falling low just to make her feel low.
My life is in a mess, my dreams are ruined.
Everything is slipping out of my grasp, my everything is crumbling apart.
“Oh, great.” I walked out and turned off the lights. I turned to look at Rebecca sleeping.
Every night, she clung onto me curling like a ball. I don't know what's wrong with me, I slept with her at night and went to sleep on the couch at dawn.
I wanted to get away but she always holds me as if her life is depending upon it.
And once again, I laid with her. I closed my eyes but couldn't sleep.
I just couldn't help but to think about who she is talking about, who left her in darkness.
‘What is her darkness?’
As these thoughts distraught my mind with unwanted feelings, I sighed and turned. I looked at her back facing me.
I sat up and moved close to her. She was sleeping peacefully.
“Who are you?” I whispered. I brought my hand close to her face to caress it. But I just curled my hands again into a fist to pull them back.
My hand was in the air protesting with me and urging to caress her but I held it inside me.
Just then, she turned and faced me.
She snuggled close to me and let out rapid breaths.
I stared at her slumbering form for a while. I tried to run my hand in her hair or stroke her but I couldn't bring myself to do it out of affection.
My every action, my every word will not be out of pity. Just to evoke her tears, I'll touch her, not like this.
'Will you be able to accept her if she wasn't Marianne's sister?'
I narrowed my eyes and put her head aside as I got out of the bed and laid on the sofa like always.
The answer was simple.
'I don't love her and my craving for revenge gave rise to hate, leaving no place for love…’