She got ready, coming out of the bathroom after her bath, getting ready as I continued to watch her intensely until she came closer and sat on the bed, looking at the bangles on her hand.
I scooted closer to her, not preferring distances from her anymore. I also looked at her hands and began to say.
"Your hands were empty so I thought I could…" I trailed off and she began to say,
"I love bangles, bracelets and any jewelry to wear on hand." She said with a smile. I also smiled back and looked at her.
“It looks beautiful on you.” I whispered sincerely.
“Thanks.” She smiled sheepishly.
She also turned to look at me too as we stared at each other, it wasn't awkward, a sweet calmness was spread in the air, a link created between two unexpected gazes.
She then shifted her body to me and lowered her head and began to ask hesitantly.
"Ryan… how do you feel?"
Bewildered by her words I just raised an eyebrow at her.
"I should be asking you this, it was your first time not mine." I said as if it was the obvious reply.
She sighed and again asked vaguely, as if she was trying to think of words to ask.
"Look, Ryan, Not physically but emotionally, like how do you feel after making love to me?" She asked.
"Good, really satisfied… I guess." I shrugged my shoulders not understanding her.
Do I have to explain how I felt during our intercourse? I thought it was clear by my moans that I indulged way more than I should.
"You want me to be blunt?" She asked, eyes narrowed in irk.
Okay, maybe she is talking in some other context.
"Blunt but not cold." I told her sternly. She nodded and began to say with a deep breath.
"I feel disgusted at myself, for liking your touch, I feel like my body is on fire and I feel depraved." She said as my eyes widened.
“But, Rebecca-” I tried to justify, I felt my heart being crushed under the weight of her words.
She then stared at me dead in the eyes and continued, "Because I slept with the person who loved my sister."
Her words brought me to reality as I remained still as unwanted thoughts came to my mind, taking me back to the harsh reality of our bond.
"What do you feel?" She asked strictly, wanting to hear my perspective.
I lowered my head down and remained silent for a while. A look of heartbreak and disappointment flashed in her eyes as she straightened her back.
“Rebecca…” I called her in a grave but low voice.
“Hmm?” She hummed, frightened of my response.
I espied at her sorrowful expression, trying to swallow her ache and continued, “I didn’t think of you from that perspective.”
“What?” She blinked, confused.
“I didn’t think that you were the sister of someone I used to love. The only thing I recall was…” Pausing, I leaned lethally closer to her face.
“My wife was wailing to prove her loyalty to me, begging for the support I failed to provide her.” My voice broke, tugging her hair behind her ears and swallowed hard.
She stared at me in disbelief, lips parted as a display of anguish and incredulity but I accepted it.
“That is who you were and are right now in my perspective. The partner I failed to shelter, to protect, to love.” I whispered, telling her what I think of her now.
Trying to contain her feelings, her shaky lips moved back, maintaining a fair distance, my words engraving a deep impact on her soul.
I continued to look at her from the corner of my eyes, aware the intensity of my words were beyond her capability to bear as she asked in a croaked voice.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
She stood up to leave but I held her hand and also stood up. I walked to her as her gaze was fixed on the ground.
“Rebecca.” She shivered when my lips called her name, she has her insecurities, her vexation, forcing her to not hold my hand anymore.
I inhaled deeply and began to say in a low yet assuring voice,
"Look, Rebecca, everyone has a lover before their marriage, You loved someone else, me too.” I told her the common factor of life.
“Not everyone marries the person they love but what matters is who they care about after their marriage, who they stay loyal to, to whom they devote."
I moved my hand to her shoulder but she curled, tensed under my touch but I circled my thumb slowly to ease her.
“It’s okay.” I continued, allowing her to relax in my presence, turning her to confront our tender gazes together.
"You can't hide the fact that it's mere commitment behind your twisted words, Ryan." She whispered, moving her hand in the middle, colliding it with my chest to increase my heart rate.
But, She is right, who am I trying to fool? She is not a person who'll be swayed by words.
"Look, we are married, we have endless time for us, there's no need to rush things, right?" I asked, softly, trying to ignite a flame of hope in her heart.
"Our time is limited Ryan." She said, looking away, terrified of the day when I will let her go, right?
I moved to her ears and whispered, "And what if I make it limitless?"
She gasped in disbelief and remained silent, staring into my eyes with dismal blended with a hidden content.
“Rebecca, what happened?” I looked at her profoundly, it seemed like havoc was wreaking in her mind. A look of extreme anxiety and distress.
"What is pushing you away?" I finally asked the question which is troubling me. She raised her gaze and met mine and took a step back.
"I am in a cage, Ryan, it is filled with apparitions and I lost my liberation somewhere in the darkness long ago." She murmured sorrowfully.
Her voice was devoid of emotions but still I can still feel the pain of her words which is pricking my heart.
"And If I break that cage? All those fetters which dares to bind you in darkness?" I asked desperately because this is what I intend to do and will do.
She let out a quiet yet miserable laugh, considering my words a joke, "If you broke the cage, I'll fall deep into the bottomless pit of despair…"
She looked at me with a strange yet distraught look and completed her sentence, "... And never return… "
She turned to leave but my dismayed mind enunciated, "I'll catch you before it."
"Not everyone can see in darkness." She said and left.
I was stunned. Before my mind could apprehend the depth of her words, a truck of realization hit me.
I felt like the murk of her become somehow visible for a second as I can see the deepness of her agony and that's the moment I understood-
'Your fight was never with me, your hatred never meant for me in the first place, it was all directed to your own self... '
'You are not in darkness, rather you become darkness yourself.'
'You are deliberately shutting yourself out. You are afraid of being saved.'