#FLASHBACK
My family and I were sitting at the dining table for dinner on a Friday night when my dad mentioned that I should inform him when the application for JAMB examinations will be available. The JAMB form has been available for close to a week, which I did not inform my dad about.
The thought of writing that examination, which was a very important criterion for higher education, only left a bitter taste at the back of my tongue. My sixth sense no doubt kept wandering about the consequences of gaining admission into the university. I felt shivers down my body, especially with one of the decisions I made recently.
I decided to tell my dad that I won't be able to write JAMB, and would prefer to stay home for a year, to probably learn trade work. I have always had a thing for catering and cooking snacks.
I looked at my dad briefly as I thought of what a university would be like. An educational institution filled with many students, handsome and beautiful ones to be precise. There is no doubt I will be attracted to the handsome boys there.
I have not learned how to control my imagination and feelings. I breathe out gently, as the thought of engaging in sexual conduct with the same-sex crept into my mind. If I am not careful, something bad might happen, something I pray won't break me.
" Michael, you are not eating your food. Se ko si? ( Hope no problem?)" my mum questioned as I felt my heart race.
The others on the dining table dropped their cutleries, which made me realize how my right hand was only hanging around my spoon, with no aim of bringing my mouth in contact with the food. I was lost in thought again.
"Dad. I would like to tell you something", I finally said, trying to make eye contact with almost everyone. I gripped my handkerchief as I cleaned my sweaty palms.
"I don't want to go to University immediately after my secondary school", I declared, as my body shuddered slightly.
The cold face of my dad met mine as I felt my body almost turning into jelly. He pushed his food aside as he stared at my afraid little self, which made me think of the last time I have made my dad this angry. That was 5 years ago, which was partially my fault and my younger brother's.
"See this boy dear, you better talk to him. You are cursing yourself, get that JAMB form and do that examination", he finalized his gaze on my mum and me.
He left the dining table angrily and I felt guilty. My mum looked at me as she also joined my dad probably to pacify him. My dad was someone who values education and that was because his father refused to send him to study in the university. He strives hard and got a scholarship to one of the universities he applied to.
He had to work part-time to feed himself, as his house rent was sponsored by his friend's father who saw him as a good person. Every time he mentions this story to us, he always promises to make sure we enter university immediately after our secondary school education.
But I am just scared of my secrets being exposed, scared of giving in to this weird feeling. If the same-sex becomes attracted to me, I will be in a deep mess, as there is no doubt they will try to make sexual advances toward me.
That night, I looked at myself in the mirror. With a torch in my hand, I took note of my facial features(that look like that of a girl). My eyelashes that bashed lightly, my eyebrows that are well curved and thick. My voice was slightly toned as it sounded like a girl's voice. With a sad heart, I couldn't help rethinking whether the same-sex can be attracted to me.
#FLASHBACK ENDS.
**********
Over two weeks have gone by after my JAMB examination, and my result was revealed by the school since they were the ones that did the registration for us. I scored 255/400, and I was quite happy with my first attempt. All thanks to a lot of sleepless nights.
I hardly concentrate in class, as I stupidly daydream about Ethan, so stupid of me. But it is quite a difficult one for me to control my imagination about him. This attraction I am developing towards him is deeper than the rest.
* The WAEC EXAMINATION(An important examination for those at the last stage of their high school. An important criterion for gaining admission into the university in Nigeria).
The WAEC examination started as all S.S.S3 students began preparing harder. Maybe not all, but most, I guess. Most of them stayed in the school hostel as a boarder throughout the examination. I refused to be a boarding student, despite Ethan's words to join, as it will be fun', according to him.
I have heard a lot of things about hostels, and just thinking about the fact that I will be sleeping in a large room with handsome dudes, I have to jet. Stories also claimed how students tend to steal each other's stuff as they call it 'fab'.Fighting and violence are also some of the unlikely things that made me lose my thought on being a border.
If I was being taunted for being effeminate, I might surely become angry and feel down too, even though I knew some of my classmates would defend me. And lastly, I am someone who doesn't adapt easily to somewhere new.
I am the kind of person that takes a siesta during the afternoon, reads at night from 10 pm-2 am, and wakes up around 6 am. That won't be possible in the school hostel as students are expected to read from 8 pm-10 pm, go to bed and wake up exactly at 5 am to take another prep. If I am a boarder, I might have to reschedule myself. If I am not careful, I might fall sick.
The WAEC EXAMINATION continued and I must confess the examination questions were good ones. Most of the theory questions are easy to understand except for the objectives which are somehow tricky.
After concluding my Biology theory and objectives questions, which happens to be my 5th subject, I made my way out of the school hall. After dropping my writing materials in my school bag, I looked around for Ethan but couldn't find him.
I stopped in one of the classes where some of my classmates were, looking for Ethan. I felt a familiar hand round my neck as I turned slightly.
"Joshua, how was your Biology?" I asked as he clicked his tongue. He moved to my side closely, as he made his mouth to my ear.
I leaned slightly. "It was fine, a B+ should be okay", he said then continued
"Oh! I learned that rascal is sick", he stated as I froze instantly.