Ti amo tanto
I love you so much
I bit my nails while staring at my phone. Hindi ko na maalala kung gaano katagal na akong nakatitig sa phone ko. I know what ‘ti amo’ means ever since, but I don't know why I'm staring at my phone for an hour now. Did I really hear it right?
Ti amo tanto ba talaga ang sinabi niya kanina? Baka naman tarantado?
“Fuck!”
I groaned in irritation and punched my pillow. I want to ask him again but of course I won't do that. How can I make him open up about it without telling it to him? Damn, this is so frustrating.
Natigilan ako nang lumabas na ng banyo si Zak. He's just wearing pajamas, wala siyang damit pang-itaas at basa ang buhok niya. I unconsciously bit my lower lip while staring at him. Palagi ko namang nakikita ang katawan niya pero hindi masanay-sanay ang sistema ko.
“Are you alright? You seem mad,” he murmured and sat beside me. He hugged my waist and nuzzled on my neck. Napaka-clingy niya talaga.
“I'm not, let me go nga, magbihis ka muna,” masungit na asik ko at itinulak siya palayo.
Tumayo na lang siya at kumuha ng t-shirt sa drawer at isinuot 'yon. Medyo na-dismaya ako nang matakpan na ang matipunong katawan niya, pero ako naman kasi ang nagsabing magdamit siya.
Lumapit ulit sa 'kin si Zak. Umupo si Zak sa tabi ko at muling yumakap sa 'kin.
“Thank you for spending the night with me, thank you for making my birthday more special,” he murmured and nuzzled on my neck. I just scoffed and pushed him a little.
“Ten times mo ng sinasabi 'yan,” masungit na sabi ko at pinilit ko na lang na mag-focus sa phone ko kahit nasa kanya naman talaga ang atensyon ko.
“That was the first time I celebrated my birthday,” he mumbled.
Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. My eyes widened and looked at him with disbelief as my mouth agape. I put my phone on the bedside table while still staring at him.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked and raised my eyebrow at him.
“No, I don't celebrate my birthday because for me it's not necessary. For some unknown reason, I just thought of celebrating it with you yesterday.”
I sighed and stared in his blue eyes, mukhang seryoso nga siya. Mukha namang hindi siya malungkot habang sinasabi ang mga 'yon, pero bakit nga ba nagtataka pa ako? Madalas naman wala siyang emosyon.
“Bakit hindi ka nagce-celebrate ng birthday mo?” Iyon na lang ang lumabas sa bibig ko.
Zakarius scratched his nape and licked his lower lip.
“I don't know... As far as I know, we celebrate our birthday because we are happy that we were born. I do not celebrate my birthday because I am not happy that I was born. Well, am I making any sense here?” he asked and avoided my gaze. He gave me an awkward smile and looked at me again.
“Ahm... you must be so sad, I'm sorry,” I mumbled. I honestly don't know what to say. Should I make him feel better? Should I hug him? I don't know.
His forehead creased while staring at me.
“I'm not sad about it,” he defended.
“You said you're not happy about it, then you're sad...” I mumbled. Fuck. I'm not making any sense too.
He just gave me a half smile and then chuckled. Natawa na rin ako dahil doon. Para pala kaming ewan dalawa. Ano ba 'tong pinagsasasabi namin?
Napatitig ako sa kanya, napatitig din siya sa 'kin. His eyes are telling me something I couldn't explain, his eyes are always emotionless, this time, his eyes are showing me something he doesn't show to anyone. My heart skipped a beat, my system is in ruckus again.
Natigilan siya nang lumapit ako sa kanya. Umupo ako sa kandungan niya at niyakap ang batok niya. Bumigat ang paghinga niya dahil sa ginawa ko. I just smiled at him and kissed the tip of his nose. Natigilan siya at tila hindi nakagalaw dahil sa ginawa ko.
“Please celebrate your birthday from now on... with or without me,” I murmured and gently caressed his face.
I know this is just temporary. Matatapos ang lahat ng 'to pagdating ni Jaze. Alam kong malaki ang kasalanan ko sa kanya, I'm willing to face all of it. Kakalimutan ko ang lahat ng naging ugnayan namin ni Zak, kakalimutan kong mahal ko siya... I know I can do that, I will be able to do that... But I'm sure it won't be easy.
Zakarius held my hand and gently kissed the back of my palm. He closed his eyes and took a deep dreath. Mukhang maraming bumabagabag sa isip niya at tila ba napapakalma siya ng ginagawa niya. Napangiti na lang ako at nanatiling nakatitig sa kanya.
Zakarius opened his eyes and stared at me. He gave me a half smile and gently squeezed my chin.
“Well, you have to know that I'll never celebrate my birthday again if you're not with me,” he whispered and planted small kisses on my cheeks.
He hugged my waist and buried his face on my neck. I sighed and hugged him back. This simple gesture feels good.
Alam kong pansamantala lang 'to, pero wala naman sigurong masama kung damhin ko ang pansamantalang saya kasama siya.
* * *
Zakarius ‘fucking’ Cavalcante:
I have to stay here in my house tonight. Don't worry about me, I'm just taking care of somethingsdnzn🍼
Napaakunot ang noo ko nang mabasa ko ang text ni Zak. Bakit may feeding bottle na emoji sa text niya? Napailing na lang ako, ano naman kaya ang ginagawa niya at nagkaganyan ang text niya?
“Whatever.” I looked at myself in the mirror. I fixed my hair and applied minimal make up.
Kakatapos lang ng shooting, sobra akong napagod dahil kinailangan kong bumawi sa mga araw na in-absent ko sa shooting.
“I'm done,” I murmured and stood up. Pinagpag ko ang halter top ko saka muling tiningnan ang sarili ko sa salamin.
I just shrugged and took my sling bag. Naabutan ko si Chan na naghihintay sa pinto pagkalabas ko. I took my car key from him. His lips parted and looked at me with confusion in his eyes. I just raised my eyebrow at him.
“I can go home by myself, alis na. Makipag-date ka na lang kay Cassian or what,” sabi ko na lang at agad siyang tinalikuran.
Agad na humabol sa 'kin si Chan at hinawakan ang braso ko upang patigilin ako sa paglalakad. I looked at him as my forehead furrowed. What the hell?
Namumula ang mukha niya, halos nakatungo na ako habang nakatingin kay Chan. Medyo maliit na lalaki kasi talaga siya, minsan ding napagkakamalan siyang babae dahil maamo ang mukha niya at may kaliitan ang katawan.
“H-hindi kami nagde-date ni Cassian,” depensa niya at hinampas ang braso ko. Napasinghap na lang ako at napahawak sa brasong hinampas niya.
“You two are obvious, so what if you two are dating? Bakit mo ikinakahiya at ano naman ang masama ro'n?” nakapamaywang na tanong ko.
I'm not dense, I know there's something off about them. Nagbago ang pakikitungo nila sa isa't isa at napansin ko rin ang pagiging protective ni Cassian kay Chan.
“W-we're both guys,” he whispered and bit his lower lip. I just rolled my eyes at him.
“So what? Falling in love with a guy doesn't make you less of a person. Date and love him freely, gender shouldn't be a barrier when it comes to love. By the way, I'll go ahead, bye!”
Hindi ko na siya hinintay na sumagot at agad ko siyang iniwan. I took my phone from my sling bag, tiningnan ko kung may text pa si Zakarius pero wala naman.
Iniisip ko pa rin si Zakarius habang nagmamaneho ako. Ano ba'ng meron sa kanya ngayon? He's not like this, I'm always bombarded with his texts and calls. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit biglaan siyang umuwi sa bahay niya. Kulang na nga lang ay hindi na siya umalis sa bahay ko, e.
I sighed and punched the steering wheel. Kailangan ko siyang puntahan.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako mapakali. Maraming bumabagabag sa isip ko. Hindi ako matatahimik hangga't hindi ko siya nakikita. Magdadahilan na lang ako kung bakit ako pupunta ro'n. Bahala na.
Nakarating din ako sa mala-presong bahay ni Zak. Until now, I don't know why his walls are high as fuck. His walls could win the Guinness Book of World Records as the highest walls of all time... Well, I'm just overreacting.
The steel gate automatically opened, I don't know why. Nare-recognize din ba ako ng high-tech scanner niya? Well, whatever.
Nag-drive na lang ako papasok sa loob ng bahay niya. Ipinarada ko na lang 'yon sa kung saan at agad na bumaba ng kotse. Natigilan ako nang biglang may pumasok sa isip ko.
What if he's torturing or killing someone right now? Or what if...
Napailing na lang ako sa naiisip ko. Huminga ako nang malalim at nagtungo sa loob ng bahay ni Zak.
Tahimik ang bahay nang makapasok ako. Wala namang nagbago sa bahay niya simula ng umalis ako. The interior design is still grayish, with snake-design shits around.
Where the hell is he? Baka naman may underground something dito sa bahay niya at doon niya isinasagawa ang kung ano-anong krimen?
Umakyat ako sa hagdan para magtungo sa kuwarto niya ngunit natigilan ako sa sumalubong sa akin.
My eyes widened when I saw Zakarius with large and long snake encircled around his arm, he's caressing the snake's body like he's not afraid at all. Napaawang ang labi ko nang makitang mas marami na ang aquarium-like thingy rito at may mga snakes sa loob.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makitang may ahas sa sahig at nagapang na papalapit sa 'kin. Agad na nagtayuan ang mga balahibo ko kasabay ng panlalamig ng mga kamay ko.
“Aaahhh!” I shouted like a crazy bitch and immediately ran down the stairs.
Dalawang hakbang na lang sana ang bababaan ko pero agad akong natisod at sumubsob sa sahig. Fuck! Zakarius' snakes will kill me!
“Angel! Are you alright?”
Narinig ko ang boses ni Zakarius. I closed my eyes tightly because of embarrassment when I felt him gripping my arm gently. Dahan-dahan niya akong binuhat at dinala sa living room, pinaupo niya ako sa couch. Agad naman siyang lumuhod sa harapan ko at tiningnan ang paa ko.
“May masakit ba?” he asked while checking my feet. Tiningnan niya rin ang tuhod ko pati ang mga braso ko.
“Oo! Ang sakit ng hips ko at ng arms ko! Your snakes will kill me!” I frantically exclaimed and punched his chest.
“They didn't do anything to harm you. My snakes are well-trained. I suddenly missed them that's why I decided to stay here tonight,” he said and sat beside me. He gently held my arm and massaged it. I just rolled my eyes at him and hissed.
“Why do you love snakes so much? They are dangerous, they can swallow you alive, may nakikita akong gano'n sa movies!” sikmat ko saka tiningnan siya nang masama.
Zakarius chuckled softly and hugged my waist. I pushed him away and glared at him.
“Nasaan ang mga ahas mo?! H'wag mong sabihin na nasa labas pa rin sila?” nakataas-kilay na tanong ko.
“Kinulong ko na sila... Come here, I wanna hug you,” he murmured and pulled me into a tight hug. I just scoffed and hugged him back.
“By the way, why are you here? Did you miss me?” he asked and looked directly in my eyes. I just glared at him and punched his arm.
“I just want to know what's keeping you busy! Kung alam ko lang na snakes ang pinagkaabalahan mo edi sana hindi na ako nagpunta rito,” asik ko at itinulak siya palayo.
Agad akong tumayo at pinagpag ang damit ko. Muli ko siyang tiningnan nang masama nang tumayo rin siya at humawak sa kamay ko.
“Uuwi na ako, I can't stay here with your snakes,” I hissed while gritting my teeth.
Inalis ko ang pagkakahawak niya sa 'kin at akmang aalis ngunit muli niyang nahawakan ang kamay ko. He hugged my waist from behind. Inilapat niya ang baba niya sa balikat ko at napabuntong hininga.
His hug instantly eased my anger away, I sighed and just let him hug me. I don't know why I'm so marupok when it comes to him.
Simpleng dampi lang ng balat niya sa balat ko, nagwawala na ang sistema ko. Hindi maganda 'to, mas lalo lang lumalalamin ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya bawat araw, kahit alam kong walang patutunguhan 'to, kahit alam kong hindi magtatagal... I can't stop my heart from loving him even though I know where this will end up. My heart is so stubborn to the highest, my heart doesn't listen to what my mind says anymore.
“Stay here,” he murmured.
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at pinaharap ako sa kanya. He touched my cheek, he showed me his soft but super rare kind of smile. Tinitigan niyang maigi ang kabuuan ng mukha ko.
Kapag natitig siya sa 'kin nang ganiyan... pakiramdam ko mahal niya 'ko, pakiramdam ko walang Jaze sa puso niya at ako lang.
But of course, I'm just assuming things. He's just bored, he doesn't really love me. Nadadala lang siya dahil nami-miss niya si Jaze. He will never love me the way I love him.
Sobrang mahal ko siya na handa akong masaktan para lang makasama siya nang panandalian... kahit saglit lang.
Alam ko na hindi dapat... pero may parte sa puso ko na umaasang totoo ang sinabi niyang mahal niya 'ko.
* * *
“What have you done to Chan?!”
Agad kong inilayo ang cellphone ko sa tainga ko nang sigawan ako ni Cassian sa kabilang linya. Ano ba'ng problema niya?!
“What the fuck, Cassian?! You don't have to shout!” I growled and rolled my eyes. Parang gusto ko tuloy siyang puntahan at suntukin.
“Chan is avoiding me and I know it's because of you!”
Muli akong napairap, mukhang malakas na ang tama nitong si Cassian kay Chan, parang dati naman wala siyang pakialam kay Chan. Well, I'm happy for them, but it seems like they had a quarrel or what.
“H'wag ako ang sisihin mo, pwede? Baka naman may kasalanan ka sa kanya? Don't bother me again, I'm busy right now. Bye!”
Agad kong ibinaba ang tawag niya at inilapag 'yon sa table. Bumalik na ako sa skin care routine ko. Pasimple akong tumingin sa phone ko, hindi na naman nagte-text si Zakarius, umalis din siya kanina at may pupuntahan lang daw. Is he busy with his snakes again?
After doing my skin care routine, lumabas ako ng kuwarto at nagtungo sa kusina. I took fruits from the refrigerator and sat on the chair. Hindi maalis ang tingin ko sa phone ko habang nakain ng fruits. Nags-scroll ako sa social media habang hinihintay ng text or tawag mula kay Zak. Dapat nandito na siya ng ganitong oras.
Electricty rushed through my veins when I heard footsteps, I just bit my lower lip and remained calm. I straightened my back and stroked my hair. Nanatili akong nakain ng prutas habang kunwari ay nakatingin sa phone ko.
Don't let him know that you're excited to see him, Angel.
“What took you so long?” I asked. I did my best to sound uninterested as I can.
“Angel.”
Natigilan ako nang marinig ko ang pamilyar na boses na 'yon. My eyes widened and my pulse raced. Napalunok ako at agad na napalingon sa likuran ko. Agad na nanghina ang mga tuhod ko nang makitang tama ang hinala ko.
“J-Jaze,” I mumbled. Even though my knees are shaking, I still did my best to stand up. Nanginginig ang mga kamay na inilapag ko ang phone ko sa mesa. Muli akong napalunok at naglakad papalapit sa kanya.
She's just wearing a simple shirt and jeans which is unusual, she always wears glamorous clothes for she's a fashion designer. But she's still stunning and beautiful as ever. It feels like my heart sank because of an unknown feeling lingered in my system.
“I'm sorry, Angel. Did I make you wait for so long? Pinag-alala ba kita?” she asked and held my hand. She smiled at me and sighed.
“W-where have you been?” I asked, still stuttering.
“It's not important. I just took a short vacation, inilayo ko lang ang sarili ko sa lahat pansamantala. Don't worry, hindi ko na ulit uulitin 'yon. Pasensya na kung pinag-alala kita.”
Am I still a good friend? Bakit malungkot ako na bumalik na siya? Bakit parang hindi ako masaya?
“Jaze!”
Natigilan kaming pareho at napatingin kay Zakarius na kakarating lang. Agad siyang tumakbo papalapit sa 'min at hinawakan ang kamay ni Jaze. Tila humahangos pa siya at mukhang nagmadali siya papunta rito.
“Zak!” Jaze exclaimed in delight and let go of my hand. Agad siyang lumapit kay Zakarius.
Zakarius sighed and pulled Jaze closer to him. I bit my lower lip and turned my gaze away from them. Looking at them will be a fucking torture.
Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at napatingin ako sa kanila. Zakarius closed his eyes and sighed once again. He intertwined their fingers while staring at Jaze, as if I'm not here.
“I'll take you home, let's talk there,” he murmured in a soft voice.
“Z-Zak, sorry dahil umalis ako nang gano'n gano'n na lang. I'm sorry if--” Zakarius immediately cut her off.
“It's fine, I'm not mad at you. We'll talk about it later, let's go.” Hinila niya si Jaze, tinalikuran na nila ako. Ni hindi niya man lang ako kinausap o tiningnan man lang. Para bang si Jaze lang ang nakita niya at wala ng iba.
Muli akong napakagat sa ibabang labi ko at pinigilan ang sarili ko na maiyak, kahit wala na sila rito, ayaw ko pa ring umiyak.
Nanghihinang napaupo ako sa upuan at nanginginig ang mga kamay na napatakip sa mukha ko. Wala na akong nagawa nang umalpas ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ko.
This is so expected, I'm expecting this right from the start. Wala akong dapat sisihin dito kundi ang sarili ko dahil minahal ko si Zakarius kahit alam kong hindi puwede. Pero bakit sobrang sakit pa rin?
“F-fuck you, Zakarius!”
I know this is my fault but how dare he ignore me like that?! He made me feel worthless after making me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in his eyes. He told me sweet nothings that swept me off my feet, he said I made his birthday more meaningful, he showed me his cute sides and his fears, he boosted my confidence in a way that no one have done before, he made me love him so much...
...and he said he loves me and made me believe it.
This won't be easy, but I just have to accept the fact that Zakarius just used me to ease his boredom while waiting for Jaze... and I let him use me.