I look like hell.
I sighed and stared at the ceiling. Kanina pa tumutunog ang phone ko sa bedside table ngunit hindi sinasagot.
Kakagising ko lang but I feel so drained already, pinagod ko ang sarili ko ng ilang araw sa shooting. Kahapon ang last shoot ng movie namin ni Castor. Tinanggap ko kaagad ang susunod na political action movie na gaganapan ko without reading the whole script, gusto kong pagurin ang sarili ko, I want to distract myself from thinking about him... about them. I'm keeping myself busy just to avoid them.
Ilang araw na rin ang nakalipas nang bumalik si Jaze, ilang araw na rin akong umiiwas sa kanya. Sa totoo lang, nauubusan na ako ng excuses para hindi kami mag-usap. Nagpupumilit siya na kausapin ako. Sa totoo lang, nako-konsensya na ako dahil sa pag-iwas ko sa kanya. But what can I do? I can't face her right now. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, nakokonsensya ba ako? Nagi-guilty ba ako sa ginawa namin ni Zak behind her back? O baka naman nasasaktan ako dahil nasa kanya na ulit si Zakarius?
Hindi ko na alam.
Halos isang oras din ang nakalipas bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas na bumangon at kuhanin ang phone ko saka sagutin ang tawag. I didn't bother to look at the caller ID, basta ko na lang sinagot ang tawag.
“Hello,” I murmured.
“Angel, are you sure okay lang sa 'yo na simulan kaagad ang shooting? Kakatapos mo lang sa movie niyo ni Castor, you should take a rest. Hindi ka robot,” tila nag-aalalang sabi ni Cassian. Napairap na lang ako at tiningnan ang sarili ko sa salamin.
I look like a worned out bitch right now, wala akong make up kaya kitang kita kung gaano ako kapagod at kapuyat.
“Kailan ka pa naging concerned sa well-being ko?” nakataas-kilay na tanong ko.
“I'm not concerned to your well-being 'no. Baka himatayin ka pa sa set at ako pa ang sisihin ng fans mo, tuktukan kita riyan, e. Saka alam mo bang--”
I shrugged and instantly ended the call, cutting him off. I don't have energy to listen to his nonsense remarks. I sighed and put my phone on the table. Nagtungo na lang ako sa banyo para maligo.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal sa banyo. Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko... Hindi ako mahilig mag-overthink, gusto ko palaging chill lang. But Zakarius fucking came into my life again and ruined my peaceful mind. How can I stop thinking about him? Paano ko ba pipigilan ang sarili ko na mahalin siya?
Napailing na lang ako at lumabas ng banyo saka nagbihis. I wore a puff sleeve top and black skinny jeans, I paired it with my favorite wedge heels. I didn't put much effort on my hair fixed it into a messy bun. I took my sling bag and my car key and left the house.
Hindi na ako nagpapasundo kay Chan, hindi na rin ako nagpapahatid sa kanya pauwi. Palagi akong sinasabihan ni Cassian na h'wag ko raw pagurin si Chan, minsan nga pakiramdam ko wala na 'kong PA. Si Chan naman ay halatang nahihiya paminsan-minsan sa pagiging showy ni Cassian. I admit, they're a cute couple... kung couple na ba talaga sila.
Nakarating din ako sa agency makalipas ang ilang minuto. Script reading lang muna ang magaganap ngayon, na-pirmahan ko na ang movie contract kahapon. Hindi ko na binasa ng buo ang contract dahil wala ako sa mood, pinagkatiwalaan ko na lang dahil sabi ni Cassian magiging hit daw 'yon. Bahala na.
“My dear, Angel!”
Napairap na lang ako nang bumungad sa 'kin si Castor pagpasok ko sa building. Inakbayan niya ako saka kinurot ang ilong ko.
“My, my, you look like hell again. Baka naman isang oras ka lang natulog,” nakangiwing sabi niya pa.
“Hey, I still look pretty,” I murmured and touched my right cheek. Nakita ko naman sa salamin na maganda pa rin ako kahit mukha akong bangag, natakpan naman ng make up.
“Don't underestimate me, Angel. Hindi matatakpan ng make up ang feelings mo. Well, you still look pretty... but you also look miserable at the same time.”
Napabuntong hininga na lang ako at nagpatianod sa panghihila niya sa 'kin. Sad to say, kasama ko na naman siya sa movie. But unlike the previous movie, mas focus sa akin ang storyline ng movie na gaganapan ko ngayon kaya mas magiging busy ako. Well, that's good, the busier, the better, gusto kong paguring maigi ang sarili ko para mawalan na ako ng time na isipin siya.
“What's bothering you?” Castor asked and gently squeezed my arm.
“Nothing,” I mumbled.
Wala akong lakas na mag-kwento sa kanya ngayon.
“Okay, you know you can tell me everything, pero hindi naman kita pipilitin kung ayaw mo.” He smiled and winked at me. I just shook my head and gave him a half smile.
Sabay kaming dumating ni Castor sa meeting room. I froze when I saw him beside Cassian, tila may seryoso silang pinag-uusapan.
Naramdaman yata ni Castor na natigilan ako. He looked at me and gently shaked my shoulder, concern is written all over his face. I just bit my lower lip and turned my gaze away from Zakarius.
“You didn't know? Director Cavalcante is our movie director, hindi ba nasabi ni Cassian sa 'yo?” bulong ni Castor. Napabuntong hininga na lang ako at umiling.
I didn't pay much attention about it, basta na lang akong pumirma sa kontrata, kung alam ko lang edi sana hindi na ako pumirma.
“It seems like you have some problems with him, aren't you? Just keep your cool, you're Angel Mendoza. You can do it,” Castor whispered to my ear and smiled at me. I just smiled back and straightened my back.
He's right, I'm Angel Mendoza. Hindi dapat ako magpa-apekto sa kanya.
Castor guided me to my seat. Pasimple akong tumingin kina Zak, I was disappointed when I noticed that he didn't even glance at me. I bit my lower lip and tried to act cool, just like what Castor said.
Castor sat beside me, he gave me a copy of the script. I sighed and calmed myself. Presensya pa lang niya, hindi na mapakali ang sistema ko.
THE SCRIPT reading session finally ended. Hindi ako mapakali, script reading pa lang 'yon pero nanghihina na kaagad ako. Paano pa kaya kung actual shooting na? Bakit kasi siya pa ang direktor? Kaya ko nga papagurin ang sarili ko ay para mawalan na ako ng time na isipin siya.
Hindi naman niya ako pinagtuunan ng pansin buong oras, he didn't even look at me, but I'm uncomfortable. Siguradong hindi ako makakapagtrabaho nang ayos sa movie na 'to.
“Woah, I can really feel that there's something wrong between the two of you,” Castor said while casually sitting on the couch. Nandito siya sa dressing room ko at malamang sasagap siya ng tsismis sa buhay ko.
“Don't mind it,” I murmured and continued applying make up on my face.
“Seriously, what happened? Bakit hindi ka na tinitingnan ni direk? Dati halos hindi maalis ang tingin niya sa 'yo. Nagka-amnesia ba siya? Wow, akala ko sa movies lang nangyayari 'yon,” tila natatawang sabi ni Castor.
I threw my powder brush at him, he just laughed and immediately catched my brush. Tumayo siya at lumapit sa 'kin saka umupo sa katabing upuan ko. He put my brush on the table and looked at me, his eyes are now serious. He sighed and held my hand and my chin, marahan niyang inangat ang baba ko upang iharap ako sa kanya.
“Alam kong siya ang dahilan kung bakit ka nagkakaganyan. What did he do to you? Did he hurt you? You know you can tell me everything, my mouth is always sealed. Palagi naman akong nakikinig sa 'yo, diba?”
I sighed and bit my lower lip, I avoided his gaze and looked at the mirror again.
“My best friend finally came back. I guess you already know what that means. He doesn't need me anymore, he doesn't need someone to ease his boredom anymore. His girlfriend is finally here, wala na lang ako sa buhay niya ngayon.” Napalunok ako at napakagat sa ibabang labi ko. Nakakapanghina pa rin, para pa ring may patalim na sumasaksak sa dibdib ko.
“Gago pala siya, e,” napapailing na sabi ni Castor.
He gently squeezed my hand and smiled at me.
“Masyado kang maganda para isipin ang gagong tulad niya. I know, I can see that you really love him, but let's be honest, he doesn't feel the same way, because if he does, he will choose you and won't let you feel worthless. I know it won't be easy since he will be the director, but you don't have any other choice but to forget your feelings for him. Don't worry, I will help you. I will help you in any ways I can. So smile now, Angel. Nababawasan ang ganda mo kapag nakasimangot ka,” Castor said and smiled at me again. I just gave him a half-hearted smile. I sincerely appreciate his effort to make me feel good, but forgetting Zakarius will surely take a lot of time.
LUMABAS NA ako ng building pagkatapos kong mag-ayos, umalis na rin si Castor dahil may kailangan daw siyang puntahan.
I was about to get inside the car when someone held my wrist.
“Angel.”
I was taken aback when I saw it was Jaze. She sighed and let go of my wrist. I tried to calm my nerves, hindi ko alam kung bakit tila hindi ako mapakali. I've been avoiding her for days, I know she noticed it, but I really can't face her now.
“Jaze, what are you doing here?” I asked and smiled at her. I tried to act cool, as if her presence doesn't bother me.
“You're avoiding me,” she said with finality in her voice. Her accusing eyes are penetrating into my system.
“I'm not, I'm always busy these past few days. Palagi akong pagod,” pagdadahilan ko na lang at marahang inalis ang pagkakahawak niya sa 'kin.
“Galit ka ba sa 'kin?” tanong niya, bakas ang takot at pag-aalala sa boses niya.
Napabuntong hininga na lang ako at tuluyang bumigay, nakonsensya ako sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa 'kin na para bang natatakot siya na galit ako sa kanya.
Wala na akong nagawa nang yayain niya ako sa isang private restaurant. There are dividers per table kaya hindi ako masyadong nakakaagaw ng atensyon.
“Are you mad at me, Angel?” Jaze held my hand and looked at my eyes. I licked my lower lip and avoided her gaze.
“Hindi, nagtatampo lang. How can you disappear like that without telling me? Kung nagbabakasyon ka lang gaya ng sabi mo, sana sinabi mo sa 'kin,” I murmured and sighed.
Jaze lost her parents due to an accident during her elementary days, I admire her so much because she managed to live alone and survived. Kaya rin wala akong mapagtanungan kung nasaan na ba siya. Auntie niya lang ang sumuporta sa kanya na nasa abroad ngayon.
“You don't seem worried, Angel. Are you really worried about me?”
Natigilan ako sa tanong niya. I looked at her with a hint of disbelief in my eyes. She just awkwardly smiled at me and sighed. She gently squeezed my hands, binitiwan niya rin iyon pagkatapos.
“Let's just forget about it, Angel, everything that happened while I was gone. Isipin na lang natin na hindi ako umalis. Forget about everything that happened and I'll do the same. Let's not ruin our friendship because of this,” she said in a serious tone. I bit my lower lip and nodded. Hindi ko naiintindihan kung ano ang tinutukoy niya ngunit tumango na lang din ako.
What does she mean by that? What was she pertaining to?
“Are we good now? You won't avoid me anymore?” she asked, still smiling at me. I just nodded and gave her an awkward smile. I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable around her now, maybe it's because I betrayed her, or maybe because I love her boyfriend... I want to be comfortable with her again, just like before.
“Nandito na si Zak,” Jaze excitedly exclaimed.
I froze on my seat when I heard his name. My pulse raced, something I couldn't explain stirred in my insides. I took a deep breath and relaxed my nerves, kailangan kong alalahanin ang mga sinabi ni Castor sa 'kin.
Naramdaman ko na umupo si Zakarius sa tabi ni Jaze. I cleared my throat and straightened my back, trying to look cool as much as possible. I won't let him see that I'm intimidated by his presence.
“Angel, isinama ko na rin si Zak. Okay lang ba? Sa building niyo rin naman siya nanggaling, e.” Jaze smiled at me sweetly. I just nodded and focused on my strawberry juice. Damn.
Um-order ng pagkain si Jaze. Vegetable salad na lang ang in-order ko dahil gustong gusto ko na kaagad umalis. Pasimple aking napapatingin kay Zak, tahimik lang siya habang naka-akbay kay Jaze, may pinagbubulungan silang dalawa na hindi ko marinig... They really look like a sweet couple, I feel like a third wheel here. Fuck.
“Angel!”
Tila nabuhayan ako ng dugo nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses na 'yon. The corner of my lips automatically lifted when I saw Castor walking to our direction. He's wearing simple 3/4 sleeve shirt and jeans and paired it with an aviator shades. Ngumiti siya sa 'kin at naglakad papalapit sa 'min, pinagtitinginan na siya ng mga tao. I'm not surprised, he's really a head-turner. Sa tingin ko nga ay kahit hindi siya mag-artista, sisikat pa rin siya.
“Hey, Angel. You ditched me on our date just to be a third wheel, not cool,” he said while smirking and sat beside me. Basta na lang ako nitong inakbayan saka hinubad ang shades niya. Napakurap na lang ako sa ginawa niya.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I whispered while gritting my teeth.
“Calm down, sexy vixen. I'm just trying to help you in this awkward situation. Thank me later,” he murmured and winked at me.
“You're Castor Raven, right? I'm a fan, I'm Jaze, best friend ako ni Angel,” pagpapakilala ni Jaze saka tipid na ngumiti kay Castor.
“Oh, you're Jaze. Girlfriend ka ni direk?” nakangising tanong ni Castor at tumingin pa kay Zak na tahimik lang, walang bahid ng emosyon sa mukha nito.
“Yes,” Jaze answered and hugged Zak. She kissed Zakarius' cheek and nuzzled on his neck. Tipid na ngumiti na lang si Zak at muling inakbayan si Jaze
I took a deep breath and turned my gaze away from them. I bit the insides of my cheeks, trying to stop myself from bursting into tears. My hands are literally shaking, and my heart throbbed because of an unknown emotion dwelled in my system.
Pasimple akong kumapit sa laylayan ng damit ni Castor. Agad naman siyang napalingon sa akin. He held my hand and gently squeezed it, trying to calm me down. Muli siyang tumingin kina Zakarius at Jaze saka ngumisi.
“Pasensya na ha, kailangan ko ng kuhanin si Angel. Namimilit na kasi, e. Type talaga ako nito, ayaw lang aminin. Diba 'no?” nakangising tanong ni Castor at tumingin sa 'kin.
My eyes widened in shock when Castor kissed my temple and took my hand and put it on the table, he intertwined our fingers, purposely showing it to Jaze and Zak. I was about to say something but he just encircled his arm around my waist and smiled at me.
“Let's go?” he asked while looking into my eyes. I gulped amd unconsciously nodded, I really want to get out of here. Hindi ko na kayang tingnan nang matagal sina Jaze at Zakarius, tino-torture ko lang ang sarili ko sa ginagawa ko.
Hinila na ako ni Castor patayo. Tipid na ngumiti na lang ako kay Jaze bago nagpatianod kay Castor. Inakbayan ako ni Castor habang naglalakad kami palabas ng restaurant, maraming nakatingin sa 'min pero tila wala na 'kong pakialam sa paligid.
We reached the car park, Castor took my car key from me and guided me inside my car. Sumakay na rin siya sa kotse sa may driver's seat.
Lumingon ako kay Zak mula sa glass wall ng restaurant. My knees weakened when I caught him looking at me with some unknown emotion in his eyes. My system is in ruckus again, halos magwala ang puso ko sa bilis ng pagtibok no'n, namuo ang pawis sa mga kamay ko at nakipaglabanan ng tingin sa kanya. I was taken aback when Castor held my hand, he also held my chin and made me face him. He looked at me with intense eyes, I blinked twice... ngayon ko lang yata nakita na ganito ka-seryoso si Castor.
“Stop looking at him, look at me instead. Wala kang kahati, my attention is all yours.”