Carter's POV
He didn't leave.
Even after everything I said to him the night before, he still stayed. And even stayed...by my side. Which was strange. We've cuddled every night since then, granted it's only been two, but it was still strange. I wasn't a cuddler in the slightest, but being in his arms made me feel something I hadn't felt in a long time.
My eyes flickered open as the morning sun shined through the window to the living room. Memories of the night of the confession came flooding back. What I did. What I said. I don't know what came over me, especially after days of not talking.
But I just needed to tell him.
I think it was because I had become so overwhelmed with my feelings. And everything came crashing down all at once. The shit with my dad. The shit with my brother. The shit with myself. Tatty being gone. And I think I reached a breaking point. I don't think I could take Sloan leaving. Before I would wake up and look over at the couch to see if he was still here. And he was.
He never once complained or pushed me. He just sat there watching the three same movies over and over and over. I was waiting for him to make fun of me or something but he didn't.
Then when he was singing along it warmed my heart. Like he was enjoying it. Which no one ever has in the past. Somehow this giant Tiger was easing his way into my heart. And if that isn't the most terrifying thing ever then I don't know what is.
He's even taken to my silence well. My...muteness. He would ask me yes or no questions where I could nod or shake my head. And if it was more he'd have me write on a piece of paper. It got to the point where he had Aunt Rena bring us a notebook so we could just write in that.
He didn't pester me and try to figure out why I didn't want to talk anymore. Or even I was doing it for attention. He just said okay and accepted me.
But even if he had I don't even know how I would begin to explain my muteness. Would I start by telling him that I hated myself and that the sound of my voice made me want to throw up? Or that it seemed life was better when I was quiet? Or how I was scared of messing things up by making another stupid comment because I didn't know how to filter myself?
How about how when I was a kid I would tell my dad I wanted to stay with him and he would ignore my needs? Or how no matter what I say when I am home I get a sigh filled with disappointment as a response? Or how about my body wouldn't let me talk even if I tried? And I sure as hell did try but I couldn't open my mouth to speak. And when I did, it was like I forgot English, and my throat closed up and got tight.
Then I was hit with a paralyzing fear that if I did, something bad would happen. And that was enough to keep my mouth shut.
So, I can't tell him that.
Not yet anyway. I don't even know if I can trust him yet.
I mean he's still best friends with Sean, and my dads are his uncles. It would be too messy. And I'm sick of messy. For once in my life I want something mess-free.
I was in a weird middle place. Of wanting to give Sloan a chance but also be wary of all the other times I've given chances and shit has hit the fan. No matter how strong this mate bond may be, and no matter how long I've secretly had a stupid crush on him. I have to keep my distance, keep him at arm's length. If there's one thing that I have learned over the years is that Carter doesn't get good things.
It's because you don't deserve good things.
Yeah, I'm starting to believe that might be true.
I felt the memories of my past making their way to the front. The nights of my Crispin yelling at me because I didn't want to go to Rena's. Yelling at me that I have to learn to be on my own. The forgotten birthdays, the forgotten Christmas presents.
That dreaded night when I walked for hours outside on my own, trying to find someone. Anyone. To help my dad. How he didn't care enough to even know that his kid was gone. How when he left to visit Dieter and how Dieter promised he would get me and take care of me. But I was stuck with Rena and Danielle for three months.
It wasn't even that they asked to bring me, but Dani and Rena forced me back with them. Though deep down I wished they would have kept me. Raised me as their own.
Then I found out that Crispin was pregnant. And how happy he was to start a family...Something I thought we already were. The 'I love you's that were always given to Sean and Addi, but never to me.
I can't even remember the last time that was said to me. By anyone. I mean UK, but UK is my father's friend. No matter how much I wish UK was in this world for me he wasn't. He was Dieter's friend first, Sloan's father second, and my...nothing...last.
I've been awake for some time, but I was scared to move. That if I did, this weird trance we were in would fade and Sloan would see that I was too damaged for him. That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
We had repositioned through the night where my back was flush against his chest. And his arms wrapped loosely around me. I should be weirded out. I've never cuddled a day in my life. But laying like this, with him, feels right. Feels sweet.
I wish Tatty was here.
His arms moved slightly and I could feel him start to stir. I stayed completely still, hopefully, he'd think I was still asleep.
"Morning." He yawned out. His voice was deeper in the morning and it made my stomach warm.
I stayed quiet, of course. And I didn't move. I tried my best to pretend I was asleep but I was failing miserably.
"Carter, I know you're awake." I sighed in annoyance and wiggled just a bit. Which I shouldn't have. I didn't realize how close my ass had been to his dick this whole time. It wasn't enough to cause any type of embarrassment but it was enough to know that it was right there.
I yawned and lifted my hand and gave him a wave. Sloan let out a deep chuckle. As he moved his arm that laid across me. I didn't want to move. I didn't want him to move either. I got so used to his warmth, that I knew the moment he moved I'd be freezing cold.
"I need to use the bathroom, then I'll come and make breakfast."
He pushed himself up and off the couch with ease. I know he said he needed to pee but part of me thinks he just wanted to get away from me. But I thought that every time he moved from me, and yet he came back to me every time. It still didn't put me at ease though.
Once I heard the door close to Crispin's room I got up and went to mine. I took a quick shower and changed my clothes. I decided to put my durag on and try to hide the mess that was forming in my head from not wearing it. Once I was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, I walked downstairs and Sloan was there already freshly showered and changed.
He was in the kitchen making something. But instead I going to the couch I decided to sit on the island instead. Why? Who the fuck knows. He must have noticed but didn't say anything. He kept moving around the kitchen as if he'd lived here for 89 years. And I just watched. He looked giant in the small kitchen, but I can't help but wonder if he was just big in general. Probably both.
A few moments later he was done and sat down a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. Then he placed a bowl of grapes in front of me. Not just any grapes. green grapes. The only grapes I eat. Did he know that? He made his plate too and instead of waiting for him to walk away like usual, I started eating in front of him. He looked stunned for a second and I could see he was trying to fight off a smile.
Like me eating in front of him was the best thing in the world.
But that can't be true. It's me...I'm not anything special.
He sat down next to me and began eating his food. It was strange being next to him and not touching him, but of course, I wasn't going to move to him first. Ain't no way in hell, I was doing that.
"Which one do you want to start with today? Cars 1, 2, or 3?" He asked in between bites and it caught me off guard. He reached over and grabbed the notebook we had been using and handed me the pen and paper. It was like it had become second nature to him already.
'Maybe we could watch something else.' I wrote quickly and shrugged. I feel incredibly guilty that for the past week, I have been having him watch nothing but these kid's movies. Part of me wondered if he even enjoyed it. But what was even crazier was that I cared...
Sloan looked surprised that I suggested that. He raised an eyebrow at me and stared. Like he was looking for a crack in my facade.
"No way. I almost have them all memorized. Not gonna let you mess me up." He got up from the chair and grabbed both our plates after we finished eating. I watched him as he walked to the living room and he grabbed the remote and started playing the first movie.
I watched in curiosity, many thoughts running through my mind. He seemed...excited? What was he playing at?
Goddess I could really use Tatty right now.
"I'm turning the subtitles off and I'm going to try and say every line," Sloan said, his eyes focused on the TV. I had to hold by my chuckle. He was fucking ridiculous to think he can memorize every single line. Trust me, I've tried.
I grabbed the notebook and pen, I watched as he sat down on the couch, and he manspread. Something swelled inside me...damn who would have thought I'd be fucking attracted to that? Not me. Damn, I know for a fact Tatty would be laughing at me and yelling I told you so, over and over.
Sloan moved his arm and rested across the back of the couch. Then he grabbed the blanket and opened it up, almost as if he was inviting me to sit next to him. His eyes were still fixated on the TV, and he began trying to keep up with Sir Owen Wilson. It was almost as if he was doing this unconsciously...did he really want me next to him the whole time?
"You coming?" He asked pulling me from my thoughts. Oh, I guess I was still standing like a weirdo. Was I coming? I took a hesitant step forward...then another. And before I knew it I was sitting down on the couch I was tucked under his giant man's arm. He covered us both with a blanket and I sat there in awe.
Did my silence not bother him?
Did I not bother him?
"What are your thoughts on sign language? You know, as a way of communication? We already use our hands to write, might as well use them to learn the words." I looked up at him and I was in awe.
My heart jumped and I felt my body warm up inside. I don't even think he realized what he just said...or how much that question means to me. It wasn't anything special but it was though. He was making accommodations for me without me having to ask, without an attitude. He just was doing it because he wanted to.
Because he wanted to talk to me.
What the fuck?
Sloan looked down at me and he smiled softly I could feel my eyes start to water so I turned away from him. I didn't want him to look at me crying again. I was an ugly fucking crier anyways.
"We don't have to, I just thought it would be fun. I don't mind the notebook. But your handwriting sucks though." My eyes snapped up and I saw amusement in his eyes. Did Sloan just tease me? Yeah, he did.
And did I just almost chuckle at him? Yeah, I did. I tapped his arm to get his attention and I nodded a quick yes.
"Yes? Yes to learning? Or yes, to your handwriting sucks?" I sucked my teeth at him and rolled my eyes as I leaned down and grabbed the notebook.
'Yes, to both, Tiger.' Sloan let out a deep chuckle and I kept my face down as I small smile fought its way to my face.
"Bet. We can start learning tomorrow. But right now, Owen Wilson has my attention."
Goddess, I should be able to enjoy this, I shouldn't feel so scared and apprehensive. But the more Sloan does the more on edge I get. Like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, for something bad to happen...
I wish I could trust him and that his intentions are pure but I just can't. Too many people in my life have let me down before and if Sloan ever did, I'd lose myself...
________________________________________________________________________________
I have to admit this was a very heavy chapter to write. I succumbed to a lot of emotions writing this. I'm literally breaking my own heart it feels like. LOL. But I ended it with a nice moment between the two of them!
Let me know your thoughts about this though!
There are mentions of things that happened in Dieter's Prize so if you haven't read that then you need to stop now and go do that.