Carter's POV
What is happening to me?
Somehow Sloan has figured out how to break down a few of my walls and I found myself somewhat comfortable around him. I realized I only thought he was unbearable as because I saw what he could do to me. He could make me be myself. I can't fake or front with him. He makes me want to be real and that in itself is terrifying.
I don't think I've ever been real to anyone my entire life.
And then there was that moment in the kitchen. I don't think he meant anything by it but my goddess, was it heavy. I was drowning in the sparks between us. It was running up and down my arm, borderline caressing me.
Then the way he was staring so intensely and was in command. Goddess, I hated it. I hated that I fucking loved it. I hated that I loved how domineering he'd become and how I let him. His voice and demeanor changed within an instant and it gave me whiplash. He went from joking and lighthearted, to demanding and intense. But I loved it.
He had gone upstairs once the lasagna was done and said he needed to shower. That's all we've said to each other since that moment in the kitchen. My head was spinning unsure of what to do or say to him next. But I wondered if he was going to kiss me...
It looked like he wanted to and I couldn't help but want to know what that feels like. How do you tell someone that you're not a virgin far from it actually, but you also have never kissed anyone? That was the one thing I held sacred. It made sex too intimate and too real. But when Sloan looked at me like that it made me feel...excited? So again I ask, what the fuck is wrong with me.
'You're down fucking bad, kid.' Tatty's familiar teasing voice came back and pranced through my head. I couldn't even stop the smile on my face even if I tried. Tatty truly was my best friend.
'Tatty! You dick, fuck you. I missed you.' I told him which earned me a laugh but only for a second.
'I'm so sorry, Carter. I vowed to protect you and I--I didn't. I failed you and I am ashamed.' I groaned in annoyance at his words.
'Tatty shut the fuck up. I don't give a shit about a vow or anything. You're back, that's all that matters.'
'I mean I couldn't leave you for too long, your thoughts are extremely loud.' I could almost hear the smirk in his voice and I rolled my eyes at him.
'Whatever!'
'Don't whatever me. You're the one that wants to get dick down by our mate.'
'Of course, you come back and that's the first thing you say.'
'I'm just happy is all. Sloan could be good for you if you give him a try. Now, Loren on the other hand I think I might steer clear of that big guy.'
'What's wrong with him?' I asked him curiously. Tatty rarely talks about his mate Loren, and what Sloan doesn't know is that is the reason I call him a tiger. I don't know exactly what happened to the two of them, but it was enough for Tatty to hold a distaste toward him.
'Doesn't matter. As long as you're happy, I can be cordial with the animal.' I chuckled lightly, finally feeling like my full self was back once again. 'So, you want to talk about why you went quiet?'
I knew the question would eventually be asked. Tatty knew me too well to where I couldn't even hide it, even while he was dormant.
'You know what happens when I talk. Something bad always does.' As I told him I felt heavy emotions entering my body, emotions I have been ignoring the past few days. Letting myself get wrapped up in this bubble Sloan and I are in.
'You talked to Sloan....nothing bad happened.'
'Yet. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to make sure shit doesn't hit the fan. It's just better this way if I'm quiet. I don't know. When I'm quiet, the world is too. And that's all I want. Is some fucking peace.'
I sighed deeply and I laid down on the couch, wrapping myself deeper into the blanket.
'Is it the silence bringing you peace? Or maybe it's Sloan?'
Fuck. How did I know he was going to say that? And truthfully I've wondered that myself. Both things happened at the same time. I went quiet and Sloan and I communicated for once and afterward it was quiet. There was no way to know without testing it out. But that would require either space from Sloan or me speaking. And neither of those options was appealing to me.
I ignored Tatty, no longer feeling up for a conversation. There were too many things happening at once, too many emotions I was feeling and I found myself getting overwhelmed. Also with the fact that I was getting cabin fever, I had no urge to go outside.
I was pulled from my thoughts as I heard Sloan's ringtone. Not just any ringtone though. It was Golden by Harry Styles. I had to hide my laugh as I saw Sloan walking down the stairs, sweats hanging low on his hips. And his chest was open and wet from the shower. Fucking hell. He was built.
I stood to my feet because who the fuck was calling us? He walked to the kitchen and grabbed his phone but his face fell. That can't be good.
"It's my dad." He said as he set it back down, letting it ring again.
That was one thing I noticed since Sloan was here. He never got on his phone. I never saw him texting or calling anyone. In some ways that eased me, but I wondered why he was doing that. I know he was close with his family, especially Florence. So him not talking to them seemed...strange.
I clapped gently to get his attention and he popped his head up and matched my gaze. I also was straining my eyes from trailing down to his chest. Even though I really wanted to. So badly.
'Answer.' I signed quickly. Knowing he wasn't because of me.
'You sure?' He signed back and I nodded and gave a small smile to try and ease him. He picked up the phone slowly but instead of putting it to his ear, he put it on speaker.
"Sloan? Sloan, you there?" Uncle Tino's voice coated the house and I could see on Sloan's face he missed him. I wonder what that's like. To be missed.
"Yeah, yeah I'm here." Sloan rested on his forearms now, leaning down and his arms bulged. Fuck. I snapped as quietly as I could to get his attention while Uncle Tino was sighing and yapping in excitement.
'Should I go upstairs?' I asked him, suddenly feeling like I was invading their privacy. Sloan shook his head and opened up his arm almost like he was he was calling me over. But I stayed still unsure of what he wanted.
He sighed and a playful smile appeared on his face. 'Come here.'
That's all it took before I was on my feet walking to him as fast as my feet could carry me. Once I was beside him he stood back to his height, and he slid his arm underneath the blanket but wrapped it around my waist pulling me into his side.
Oh fuck.
"Dolcezza, are you alright? Is Carter all right? Do you need anything at all?" Uncle Tino asked, I could almost see what his face would look like. His eyes are bigger than they already are. Hair strewn all over the place and offering to make us some pasta.
"We're alright Dad. Don't worry." I wanted to focus on the conversation but Sloan began to gently rub against the skin under his palm. Even though it was through a sweatshirt it still was sending electric shocks through me.
"If Carter is around, you tell him that we love him okay? That we will always love him. Makes sure he knows that." I could hear the desperation in his voice to make sure I knew. And even though most days I felt completely and utterly in this world, I knew deep down Uncle Tino and UK did love me.
"I'll make sure to tell him." Sloan chuckled and I looked up to look at him. And I found that he was already looking back at me. There was an intensity in his eyes that caused me to squirm in his hold but Sloan just held onto me tighter.
"Wh--where are you? I promise we won't come, but I just want to make sure you're both safe." I immediately went stiff. I trust Uncle Tino but did I really? Did I trust him enough to not tell Crispin and Dieter? No. I don't. They were their friends first before they were anything to me.
"We're safe, that's all you need to know," Sloan said quickly, then began to rub my back again. I let out a deep breath and found myself leaning into him more. He smelled his coffee scent, which was incredibly strong now that he was fresh from the shower.
"Sloan--"
"No, Dad. I'm not telling you. Carter doesn't want anyone to know so I'm not telling. Please don't ask again."
My heart was about to burst out of my chest as I looked at Sloan and watched as he stood up to his dad. For me. No one ever defended me in this way before or even tried to. Usually, people don't give two shits about how I feel and what I want. But Sloan does. And he is literally defending me to his parents.
"Okay, I understand. If you could, or if Carter decides to get another phone let us know. Koa really wants to talk to him. And so does Ezra, goddess poor Ezra won't shut up about it." Uncle Tino had this weird way of being sweet and mean at the same time. It was quite amusing. "And Flo misses you. And please, call Ambrose and Delany."
Goddess, he had a big family.
"Yes, I will do all these things once things settle down for us." Sloan sighed but I could see all over his face that he was loving all the attention.
"How's the m-a-t-e situation going?" Uncle Tino asked and I stilled. Sloan's face went bright red and he immediately turned from me. So he must have told them before leaving to come find me...which I still need to talk about with him.
"Oh, I got to go. I will talk with you later." Sloan said quickly and hung up the phone before Uncle Tino said another thing. I reluctantly pulled away from him only because I needed to talk and I needed both hands. I also grabbed the notebook and pen seeing as I don't know all the words yet.
'You told them?' I asked him and he sighed and signed back a quick yes.
"I had to for them to tell me what happened with you." He explained quickly. I could see that he was worried but I wondered what about. Was he worried I'd be upset?
'I'm not mad. Relax.' Sloan let out a deep breath and I saw his shoulders finally relax. 'What did they tell you? About what happened?'
I had been dreading conversations like these, I knew it needed to happen but I would never be prepared for it. There was just too much bad that I carried and Sloan looked at me like I was fucking perfection. But I was far from it. But there was this fear that if he found out that I was, not perfect, he'd run and leave.
And I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't imagine not having Sloan. I just can't.
"All they said was that you got into a fight with Sean, and you left."
'Do you want to know?' I asked him, suddenly nerves flooding my body.
"Only if you want to share." He leaned against the opposite counter and crossed his arms waiting for my decision.
Many thoughts ran through my mind, and questions. But did I trust him enough to have this information? Did I even know how to tell anyone how I was feeling? I've never done it before, no one ever cared enough to ask. And now here Sloan is...asking me. What the hell do I even say?
'I--I don't know how.' I inwardly cringed at my confession and I huffed in annoyance like I was a child. But the way Sloan looked at me made my heart flutter. He didn't look annoyed, or upset, or think I was lying. He just looked...at me.
I know that sounds fucking ridiculous, but no one. And I mean no one has ever looked AT me.
"You don't have to, Carter."
'No, I want to. I just don't know how.' I tried my best to explain myself and hoped he would catch on. He took a moment and then he realized what I meant.
"Oh, okay. I see. Well, would it help if I asked you questions?"
Fucking hell, Sloan. How does he always know what to say and how to say it to make me feel incredibly...safe? A feeling that I've never felt with anyone before in a long time. It was fucking scary and I didn't know how to properly navigate this space. But the worst part of it all was I was willing to for him.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just nodded slowly and helplessly fiddled with my fingers and waited for him to start shooting questions at me.
"I'm going to try and sign at the same time, so don't laugh at me," Sloan said as he cracked his fingers. A smile was fighting to come across my face and I hated it. I hated how he made me feel so light and free. It was so different than how I usually felt.
"Did Sean start the fight?" There was concern dripping in his eyes and I took a deep breath.
'Yeah, he did. He walked up to me while I was sparring.' Sloan nodded in understanding and continued.
"What did he say to you?" The memory flooded back and slammed its way through my head and it caused me to spin. All those feelings...the rage was there and it was eating away at me. I was scared about what was going to happen when it swallowed me whole. Would it be too much for him and he leaves me?
Here goes nothing...
'He told me how my dad wanted to send me away--' I took a deep breath and I had to turn away from Sloan's heavy gaze. 'Th--then he told me that Crispin was not my dad...'
Saying it again was just as hurtful as the first time. I had been ignoring my very real problems and I know that's not realistic. But I had spent my entire life believing that he was my dad, granted a shitty one, but he was mine. But now...he wasn't even that.
"Wait...what?" My eyes flickered to Sloan and he looked so distressed...for me. No one's ever...no one's ever.
'Crispins, not my dad.'
Even as I signed it one more time it still hurt. It was still fresh and it angered me. I felt the rage building in my chest, and I could feel my tears wet my cheeks already.
"Carter, I am so sorry." His voice cut through the heaviness but barely. Anger was vibrating my ears and it was consuming me.
I felt my fists ball up and I started to breathe heavily. Sloan noticed and he took a step closer to me. I could feel the sobs wanting to break free and I was about to let them. I was about to let the anger take over me again. I slammed my hand down to hit the counter but it didn't. Instead, it was planted firmly into Sloan's giant ones.
I looked up and saw he was leaning over me, I didn't even know he moved. I looked over his face to see if I hurt him, I had used all my strength and I was definitely going to break the counter if my hand hit it. But there was nothing, it didn't faze him in the slightest.
Instead of speaking and pestering me with questions, he grabbed me and pulled me to his chest. He wrapped his thick arms around my shoulders and I wrapped mine around his torso. I held on so tight, that I'm sure he wasn't able to breathe, but he didn't complain.
We just stood there, for who knows how long. He rested his head on top of mine as I bawled my eyes out like a baby onto him, wetting his bare chest with my tears.
"You don't deserve that, Carter. I'm so fucking sorry." His words were music to my ears. They coated a part of me that I didn't know I had. And for once I believed what he said.
"You're not in this alone. Not anymore."
His chest vibrated against me as he spoke. And even though everything in me was screaming and telling me that I was wrong and that I shouldn't believe him. I couldn't fight against it. Not enough anyway.
Because I did.
I fucking believed him.
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Special update! Our baby Carter is finally opening up! And Tatty is back which is so exciting! I'm so happy for them and watching the relationship blossom. I love it. I LOVE IT!
Guys, let me know what you think though, for real. I would love to know your thoughts as always.