“Josh,” I called, pulling my hand away. - I feel…
- I know. His deep voice came through the darkness. Confident, reassuring. “Don't think about it now, Allora. We need to focus on getting out of here. Can you follow behind me?
- I think so.
Josh's fingers closed around mine. The heat in my body rose. Slowly, Josh felt his way back through the fissure, working his way through the gap. I stayed close on his heels, my other hand moving along the rocks, restoring my bearings. Every moment he squeezed my hand. I squeezed back, assuring him it was fine.
“You're good at this,” I commented as we emerged on the site, and Josh carefully made his way through the quadrants without disturbing any of our cuts.
“I can see well in the dark,” he said, and then took a deep breath, as if he'd said something he shouldn't have.
- This is interesting.
- And even? He slid down a rocky ledge, then turned to grip my waist in his strong hands. Before I could say anything, he lifted me up and crushed my body against his powerful chest. My face was millimeters from his. His hot breath warmed my lips. The energy between us vibrated. “I can think of much more interesting things right now.
Kiss Me.
My body screamed. In the dark, my senses went into overdrive, attacking me with Josh's intoxicating male scent, the feel of his fingers gripping me, the pressure of his bulge against my thigh.
“Josh…” I mumbled, not sure if I was protesting or pleading.
— Allora. His husky voice rasped against my ears. His breath caressed my cheek. And then, he pressed his lips to mine.
I pressed back. My entire body shot up with fire. It was like the kiss connected us through more than just our lips.
Josh teased my lips, his tongue darting against mine, drawing me deeper into his embrace. His hand cupped my cheek, holding my head against his as if he couldn't bear to break the connection. His other hand burned against my back.
In the darkness, every touch, every sensation was out of control. It burned around me, a star going supernova, trailing a line of fire through my universe.
I threaded my fingers through her hair, pulling it out of the ponytail and enjoying the way the silk strands fell into my fingers. I've never been with a guy who had long hair before. Ben's hair had been his number two standard cut… no, I didn't want to think about Ben. Not now.
Too late. Ben's face was dancing in my vision. That carefree smile he wore when he kissed me goodbye for the last time… his bruised face staring back at me in the morgue, rigid and lifeless. My body went rigid.
Josh walked away.
“We… shouldn't do this. he breathed.
"It's a bad idea," I agreed, leaning in to kiss him again, wanting to take my eyes off Ben. Josh moaned when my lips touched his, and I melted against him, losing myself in his wonderful touch.
He pulled away again.
— Allora. We have to stop.
— You don't want that?
He laughed.
- Far from it. You were the one who just tensed up.
“I don't want to talk about it right now. I just…
“Look, it's okay. Josh shrugged, walking away from me. My heart was pounding in my chest. How did it go so wrong? Because I had thought about Ben…thinking about him wouldn't bring him back. “We can go back to camp and forget this ever happened.
— But… did you kiss me? ’ Panic rose in my chest.
- Yes. he sighed. "And I want to push you against that rock and fuck you senseless."
My entire body flushed.
Josh continued.
“But other than the risk of getting stalactites in some very unfortunate places, I'm not sure it's a good idea. We were supposed to be working together.
Now my face turned red with embarrassment. Josh was right. If we did… anything, it would be too weird for the rest of the dig. I should be doing my best work to impress Professor Doyle, to get a master's degree recommendation. Josh was supposed to keep all archeologists in line and avoid the kind of accident that killed my dad and Ben. It wouldn't be good if someone found out we were having sex.
Disappointment washed over me, followed by an intense wave of sadness. For a minute, I was completely ready to expose myself to Josh, figuratively and very, very literally. I finally broke down that wall that had been up since Ben's death, and the only thing on the other side was a guy who couldn't even begin to understand the enormity of it.
You may remember that Josh doesn't have all that baggage. To him, you're just a fuck. Probably one of hundreds of women who throw themselves at his feet. That's why it's so easy for him to just back off. He can get it elsewhere. Don't make it more important than it is.
“Yes, I think you're right,” I said, keeping my voice steady. At least in the dark, he couldn't see the tears threatening to fall down my cheeks.
That's what happens when you make yourself vulnerable, the voice inside my head warned me. You get hurt.
We left the cave without touching and headed back to the camp, keeping a great distance between us. The silent night stretched between us, filling the void with unanswered questions. The crescent moon hit my back, illuminating the forest in long shadows. I watched Josh out of the corner of my eye. He had a haughty walk, shoulders back, head up, almost like a dog on the scent. He showed no hint of disappointment or sadness.
You made the right decision, I told myself, even as disappointment consumed me.
Josh walked me to my tent. When I reached down to open the tent flap, he cleared his throat.
"Alora, I…"
“Okay,” I said. “You were right. Good night Josh.
I looked at him then and caught his gaze. His eyes met mine, the gaze so intense, so primal, it made me jump. How could he be so blasé about things back in the cave and then look at me like that?
Josh turned, his mouth curling at the edges slightly.
“Good night, Allora. Sweet dreams.
I pulled up my tent flap and crawled inside. I moved in the dark and found my phone, clicked on the flashlight app to light me up as I took off my jacket and socks. My sleeping bag has never looked so inviting.
Tiredness washed over me as I dragged myself into the bag, pulling the flap around my chin. I shivered, but not from the cold. The heat still pulsed through my body, and I could still feel the traces of Josh's fingers against my skin. What a bizarre, frustrating and sad night.
When I closed my eyes and tried to get my mind off Josh and the kiss, my hand closed around my wrist, searching for the familiar bracelet that always helped me to calm down. Panic washed over me when all I felt was my skin.
I got up, wide awake once more. I turned on my flashlight on the phone and looked at my wrist in the light. It was empty. I took off my sleeping bag, turned over the air mattress, and walked through my pile of clothes. Anything.
My bracelet is gone. I lost it somewhere in the cave. It was the only item I had left that reminded me of Dad, that gave me strength when I needed it, and I lost it.
Tears stung my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands.
You are an idiot, Allora. That's what happens when you let your emotions take over. You have to stay away from that guard, for your own good.
josh
After my encounter with Allora, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned, my body screaming with desire for her.
The connection between us called me to her, and I did everything I could to stop myself from opening my tent flap and running naked across the field to find her.
It probably wouldn't be the best view if Frances and Ruth caught me.
I expected the kiss to dissipate some of the sexual tension between us, but instead, it all escalated. But as soon as her body stiffened, I realized we had to stop. I knew it was a bad idea. For her, who had to swallow Professor Doyle to get her grades, and because there was clearly something in her past that made her wary around me, and for me, who needed to be on high alert for the presence of other wolves, and so I could find and destroy the paintings. Which would be difficult as long as Allora had her eye on me.
But maybe now she would pull away. It took everything in me to pull away from her, and I could see the disappointment and embarrassment written on her face as we walked back to camp. I hated the idea of her thinking I didn't want her, but I was used to being seen as a bastard, so it made sense, even if it was messing with my hormones, for quite some time.
Your hormones... or your heart?
The thought made the itch burn against my skin. I growled and scratched furiously at my legs, but the discomfort didn't subside. I didn't want to think about Dad, or how much I missed him, or how much I wished I could tell him about Allora.
The full moon was four days away. I rolled over, punching the clothes-filled sleeping bag cover that served as a pillow in an attempt to arrange the lumps into a comfortable shape. Even though my head burned with barely concealed pain, my veins still throbbed with desire. Several long, gray hairs pricked my skin, coming out of my arms and coming back like porcupine quills.
Control yourself, Lowe, I scolded myself, rubbing the itch in my neck in vain. It would only get worse.
At some point I must have fallen into a restless sleep, for the next morning I woke with a start, my mind twisted from a dream of chasing my father through a forest, only to burst into a clearing where I found him kissing Allora.
You're going crazy, I told myself, trying to push the images away. My dreams always became vivid and disturbing around the full moon. I usually ignored them, but my father's death was still too fresh in my consciousness for its emergence not to affect me.
The pain of his absence gripped me tightly. I wrapped my arms around my shoulders, trying to push it away, but it pulsed just beneath my skin, a nagging, hopeless desire to see him again. I wish he could be here with me, telling me stories about his childhood here in the woods. I wish he could give me advice on what to do with this intense physical desire now that I've found my mate. I wanted to introduce him to Allora and listen to them talking about books all night…
But none of that would ever happen. I had to face that fact and move on.
I took off the covers, put on my work pants and coat. I wasn't going to sit here thinking about it.
The rain had returned during the night and hit me in thick drops as I bleary-eyed out of my tent. The rest of the team was already in the trailer. I could see them moving through the windows. I pulled my hood over my face and ran through the trees towards them.
He is dead. He is dead.
A memory flash. The first time my father took me hunting. We were living in the Black Forest in southern Germany and I had just turned eight. When the full moon claimed us, instead of hiding me in our cabin while he left alone, Dad took me deeper into the woods, farther than I'd ever gone before. Strange scents overcame me, but he showed me how to discern different trails and map the forest with my nose. We sat together on top of a hill and watched the stars move across the sky.
“Your grandparents are over there somewhere,” he told me, nodding at the blurry Milky Way in the deep sky. “They're shining down on us, along with the rest of the Lowe pack. We're last, Josh.
“We don't need anyone else.
I hated how melancholy he looked, how lonely. I was not alone. I had him.
He spotted a rabbit among the bushes, and I chased it over a ridge before cornering it in the river and killing it with a single bite to the throat. I remembered the way adrenaline raced through me, my heart pounding in my ears as I braced myself for the onslaught.
As we enjoyed our feast that night, Dad offered me the best part of the rabbit, the loin.
“I'm proud of you, Josh. You will be a good wolf. One day, maybe you'll be the one to bring the Lowe pack back together. If anyone could do that, it would be you.
It would be you.
I turned and slammed my fist into the trunk of the nearest tree. Pain snapped through my fingers, but the sensation brought me back to the present, away from the memories. I looked up at the sky, just visible through the bare branches.
A few lone stars twinkled against the morning mist.