I'm here now, dad. I promise I will succeed. I will not let our family legacy be dishonored.
I took a deep breath.
Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, Josh.
I needed all my intelligence back to destroy the paintings without arousing suspicion. And I needed to stay calm around Allora. It would be better for both of us if we didn't get involved.
I pushed open the trailer door. Ruth and Frances looked up from the table, one giving me a bright smile, the other a disdainful look. Allora's eyes flickered briefly to mine, and then she looked away, suddenly absorbed in her porridge. Not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable, I sat down at the opposite end of the table and intentionally prompted Ruth into a conversation about fossil fuels. If Allora would ignore me, I could follow her lead.
allora
All through breakfast, I kept sneaking glances at Josh. He sat at the opposite end of the table and was completely focused on Ruth's every word of flattery. He forgot the kiss too quickly, I thought angrily. He obviously won't have any problems recovering.
If only things were that easy for me. After last night's kiss, I realized how ready I was to move on, to try to relate again, to maybe make myself vulnerable. Ben wasn't coming back. The sadness faded with the roaring in my ears, the relentless voice screaming above it all, he is dead, he will never hold you, kiss you or make you laugh again. I was no longer standing in line at the supermarket unable to understand how everyone around me was going about their normal lives. Didn't they understand what had happened? Didn't they know that I had lost the only guy who loved me? Didn't they know my whole world had stopped?
But now I was ready to play again. I wanted to melt the numbness in my veins, unbutton my body and feel again. But I had to be careful who I trusted with this. I so wanted it to be Josh, but watching him brush the hair out of his eyes as he laughed at Ruth's stupid jokes, I realized it couldn't be him. He was probably excellent in bed, but he didn't know how to be that person for me.
- I finished. I pushed my chair back. The words came out hard, final.
- All good. Frances took my bowl and frowned at the pile of porridge I'd left behind. “Do not enter the caves until I am ready to join you. We are not allowed to stay there alone…
- I know. I pushed open the door, cringing when it slammed into the side of the trailer. I didn't mean to be rude.
“Allora, wait,” Josh called after me, but I ran across the field without looking back.
I grabbed my toothbrush and a glass of water and brushed my teeth behind my hut. Then I went to the artifact storage and got to work cataloging some of the artifacts from the previous week. We were always late in cataloging. It was supposed to be done at night, but after a hard day on my knees in the cave and after surviving one of Frances's "meals" (and I use the term meal in the most remote way possible), it was much more appealing to curl up. me with a beer and a book.
I pulled up a chair behind the small table and started transferring notes from our notebooks into the database we were creating. The mundane work began to calm me down, to ease the tension in my nerves. But then, just as I thought I was ready to face the day again… “Allora.
His voice sent a chill through me. I could feel the weight of his body in front of me, the way the air around me seemed to shift to accommodate him. Goose bumps appeared along my arms that had nothing to do with the cold.
I didn't look up from the laptop.
“Go away, Josh. I have to focus on this job.
“You're mad at me.
- I'm not. I tried to keep my voice calm. “I'm just busy.
“You get the sudden urge to catalog artifacts at six-thirty
three in the morning?
- Yes. I had two cups of coffee. I need to burn energy.
“If you're feeling turned on, I can think of a much nicer way to burn off some energy. That familiar smile returned to his voice.
Then I looked at him, putting my face in an angry line.
“You were the one who ended things last night. Now you can't come here and flirt with me like nothing happened.
- I was just kidding. - He smiled. "It's good to see you reacting." I knew there was a lioness underneath that nerdy exterior. Besides, we both decided it was best to stop things last night.
- If you say. — I rubbed a grain of earth on the end of a fox bone.
"You're not wearing your bracelet."
I looked at Josh, my hand falling over my empty wrist. Old habits are hard to break.
“I was told it was a health and safety hazard. So now there is no problem.
“If this place goes down for violations, it won't be because of that bracelet. Go put it on, seriously. I won't tell.
- I can't. The words stuck in my mouth. “I lost it in the cave last night.
- What? Why didn't you say anything?
- Does not matter. I kept my eyes glued to the fox bone. I didn't want him to see the tears brimming the corners of my eyes. Letting Josh see me cry was embarrassing enough.
“Looking at your face now, I can tell that's not true. Josh leaned across the table. His scent overwhelmed me, that rich, earthy scent that inspired untamed savagery and lust.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't get a word out without bursting into tears. So I didn't say anything. The space between us felt nonexistent, inconsequential. The heat from his body leaped at me, like flames dancing in the moonlight.
— Allora? Josh asked, his face set in recognition. The sight shocked me. I was so used to people looking at me with pity.
Poor Allora… her father was crushed in a factory accident… poor Allora, her boyfriend fell down a ravine and split his head… poor Allora, everyone she loves seems to die… poor Allora…
But Josh's face didn't say “Poor Allora”. He said, “I understand”. I wonder if he put two and two together by the way I reacted when he asked about my parents. But that look…told me he'd been through it. He understood. He also lost someone close. The pain was close to the surface, just under her skin. He still saw their faces in his dreams, and he still remembered things to tell, as if they had gone out to buy milk.
- I…
I wanted so badly to trust him.
The words were on the tip of my tongue. I took a deep breath, trying to push the words out too.
—Oh, Josh! Ruth called. The spell between us is broken. I jerked my head back, seeing Ruth waving her arms wildly in an attempt to get Josh's attention. “Come with me and I'll show you the really interesting fungus I was talking about.
Josh shot me a look. He sighed.
- I gotta go. ’ The fact that he looked so pissed off about it made my heart race.
- Yes.
"But we'll talk later, okay?"
- Right. My stomach tightened. I wasn't sure he was ready for what I had to say, but maybe if I scared him with all my heavy stuff, that would solve my Josh problem once and for all.
I wasn't ready to face Ruth's over-the-top flirting, so I stayed in the shed, listening to the hammer of rain against the roof as I wrote notes in our field book and frantically typed into the database. Tin sheds are extremely useful objects with many potential applications, but creating cozy workspaces was not one of them. After forty-five minutes of cold wind howling over the desk and trying to melt the pen tip into my fingertips so I could keep writing, I had had enough. If I had to be unhappy, I could be unhappy in the cave, spatula in hand.
Never know. Thou mayest find buried treasure. Wouldn't that turn Ruth's face red?
With that image cheering me up a bit, I gathered my jacket, gloves, and scarf, found my trowel, and headed for the caves. The rain fell in thick sheets, lapping against the exposed skin of my cheeks as I struggled to run in every layer I wore. For the first time, I felt relieved as I dropped to my knees and slid down the muddy tunnel entrance into the cave.
“It was very kind of you to join us, Allora. Ruth gave me a smug look as she pressed buttons on the theodolite. Josh was in front of her, holding the measuring equipment. He smiled when he saw me. I didn't return the smile. Instead, I went to my quadrant and started shaving the next layer. My trowel tapped reassuringly against the damp earth. Making a sound I fantasized I would hear if I decided to slap Ruth's cocky mouth.
The day dragged on for an eternity. An icy wind whipped through the tunnel, piercing through my layers of wool and nylon and chilling my bones. I waited for a chance to escape into the back tunnel and look for my bracelet, but Frances was so focused on her work that she continued even after the lunch break. Josh has ignored me all day, the bastard. Instead, he helped Ruth operate the theodolite, even laughing at her silly jokes about whales and sailors.
— … you're going to love this one. I learned it at a rally to save whales in London. One whale shoots another, what's the name of the movie? Whale whale whale. She threw back her head and let out a high-pitched laugh. Josh gave a short laugh.
“Gag me with spermaceti,” I muttered under my breath. After what he said to me this morning, the way he looked at me, I thought Josh was trying to be my friend or my…something. But then there he was with Ruth, not even looking in my direction. He might offer to help me with my square.
As the day wore on, Josh and Ruth's obvious flirting irritated me more and more. By four in the afternoon, my whole body was shaking with rage. How dare he make me feel like this? How dare he make this ridiculous display in front of me? He was the one who walked through the caves at night, he was the one who kissed me, he made me lose my bracelet...
At the thought of my bracelet, my stomach twisted with fear. This was the most precious thing I owned, more precious than my first edition of Stranger in a Strange Land. If I lost it in the mud, I would never forgive myself. I would have to sneak through there, all alone.
The thought sent a spasm of fear through me. I've been to every pre-dug safety talk. I knew how dangerous caves could be. And I knew better than anyone what could happen when someone ignored safety precautions and went it alone. But I had to find that bracelet. I needed.
Frances began to organize the tools at the end of the day. Heart pounding, I helped her clean and tidy, trying not to look in Josh's direction. He gave me a curt nod as he passed, following Ruth back to camp with the theodolite slung over his shoulder like a school bag. I didn't wave back. At least I didn't have to deal with him right now.
I helped Frances drag the last of our equipment through the small entrance and lock the tools in the safe. The rain eased a bit, falling in a steady mist over the forest, but the wind was still a little strong. My heart was pounding. It was now or never.
“You did a good job today, Allora,” Frances said, pulling her gloves over her stained fingers. “One more day in your quadrant and you can move to another area.
“I'm excited about this,” I said, choosing my words carefully. I pretended to pat my pockets, looking for something. — My field is not generating much interest.
“That's true all the time in archeology, unfortunately. It's not all about dodging rolling rocks, dismantling traps and finding treasure.
Frances smiled.
I held up my own stained hands.
- And I do not know? Listen, go ahead. I'll be right back. I just realized I left my spatula behind. I don't want to lose it.
Frances shrugged.
“Leave it. You can get another one in the morning.
“It's just… I really like this spatula. It's the last one left with the grooves to the left. “I looked back at the caves. - Continues. Do not worry about me. I'll take just a moment. I know exactly where it is.
“I'll come back with you. Frances took the flashlight from her belt.
- No! Frances looked at me with concern. I smiled, realizing I'd screamed too loudly.
Really good doing casual, Allora. You are not good with this business of disguising.
“I mean, there's no point in the two of us going back there and getting dirty again.
“I mustn't leave anyone on the site alone. Josh could close it.
“Josh is already back at camp with Ruth,” I said, her name coming out more sarcastically than I intended. “He'll never know. I could be back by now, and you could be sitting down to a nice hot cup of tea.
“You're right. All good. Frances didn't look sure. But she looked over my shoulder again. Josh didn't look back. Frances threw me her flashlight. “If you don't come back in ten minutes, I'll be very angry.
- Thanks. “I ran back to the cave. Ten minutes. Enough time to go back to the cave and look for my bracelet. I slipped through the cave entrance, clicked on the flashlight to fight the deepening darkness, passed the small stream and carefully made my way through the room back to the crevice.
Squeezing through the small gap, I found myself back in that familiar cavern, the dark mouth of the adjacent cavern staring at me to my left. I shone Frances's torchlight over all the stones, but I couldn't see my bracelet. Panic rose in my throat. The clasp probably broke when the bat was thrashing around in my hair. That meant it had to be around here somewhere.
Or fell into the water with the flashlight.
Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. I threw the light into the pool, but I couldn't see anything shining back through the murky water.
No, don't give up yet. Keep looking.
I scanned the rocks again, moving in a grid pattern, searching every inch. It definitely wasn't there in front of the pool. Perhaps it had landed closer to the mouth of the tunnel Josh was inspecting...
I went to the tunnel entrance, shining my light across the floor, inspecting the edges of the tunnel for crevices or shelves I might have fallen into. With each step, the knot in my stomach tightened.
Is not here. Why aren't you here?
The lump rose in my throat. To keep myself from bursting into tears, I tried to distract myself by thinking about Josh. Why did he come back here in the first place? I walked closer to the cave and peered inside.