Chapter 17
Everyone around me was panicking because today is the exam day. Renaissa beside me keeps on memorizing some terms non-stop while I keep reviewing the subject that Reeve taught me the other day. I am confident in some of my subjects and I believed that I could make those, except this one.
I tried so hard to remember those topics that Reeve explains to me and luckily I did. Na ga-grasp ko na ‘yong concept at na a-analyze ko na ang mga posibleng lalabas sa exam mamaya.
Renaissa stopped what she’s doing and ask me something, “Kamusta ‘yong sagot na hinanahap mo? Nahanap mo na ba?”
“Hindi,” sagot ko sa tanong niya.
“Oh, akala ko kahit anong mangyari pipilitin mong makuha ang sagot,” hindi makapaniwang ani niya sa akin.
Akala ko rin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari no’n sa isipan ko na napagdesisyunan kong ‘wag na lang alamin. I am actually favoring his opinion. Kasi kung hindi lang nagbago ‘yong isip ko no’n baka kinontra ko na siya sa kaniyang sinabi.
He’s somehow right that some answers need to keep for yourself to avoid hurting someone. Pero paano kung ‘yong mga sagot na tinatago mo ay magpapabago sa buhay nila? What if the answers that you’ve been keeping. . . ay siyang kailangan ng iba para magpatuloy sa kanilang buhay?
It was like you’re depriving them of knowing the truth just because you’re afraid that you might hurt them. When in fact you can just easily told them and deal with the consequences. At least by that naging totoo ka sa sarili mo at sa iba.
That was just my thoughts after the day that we talk. Kasi no’ng mga oras ay naging sang-ayon ako sa kaniya. I sided him for I know to myself that I was also afraid of the answer that might come to his mouth.
Hindi ko pa kinokompirma ang kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa akin kaya hanggang sa makakaya ko, aakuin ko muna ito. His answer that time might trigger the agenda that’s been hidden inside me.
‘Wag muna ngayon na maayos na ako.
“Nagbago na ang isip ko. Hindi ko siya pipilitin na sabihin sa akin ang sagot. At isa pa, wala pa ako no’n sa buhay nila no’ng mga panahon na ‘yon. I don’t think I deserve to know. . . I am already invading his privacy,” sagot ko sa kaniya.
“Hmmmm. . . There’s something wrong,” she said.
“Anong mali?” I asked back. Wala namang mali sa sinabi ko ha. It was true because I am also invading his privacy which is not good.
“On your answers to me. . . there’s something wrong and I can feel it,” she smirked.
“What’s wrong with that? It was true. Nagbago na talaga ang isip ko na ‘wag na lang alamin,” I casually told her.
My feelings are mine and I don’t want to share it with her or to burden her. It was better to keep it to myself.
“Kaya nga parang may mali dahil biglang nagbago isip mo. It’s not you. . . I know better when you got curious about something. . .hindi mo talaga tatantanan ang paghahanap no’n. Kaya nakakapanibago,” she leaned her face on me and trying to examine my eyes as if I’m telling a lie.
I put my books down and face her. I heaved a sigh, “Wala nga. I just realized that it was better for him to keep it. It wasn’t his obligation to answer me,” I trailed off.
She shook her head, “I don’t care about his answers to your question. Ang point ko is. . . there was something wrong in you.”
“Alam mo, Renaissa? Mag-aral ka na lang d’yan mas mabuti pa. Exam na mamaya,” I avoided the topic.
“Pagkatapos ng week na ‘to, mag-usap tayo sa apartment mo. I need you to be honest with your feelings,” she reprimanded and proceeded to study.
One hour and thirty minutes before the exam starts when I decided to left Renaissa and went to my tambayan.
Dahil parami na nang parami ang mga estudyante sa library at medyo nagiging ma-iingay na kaya napag-desisyunan kong umalis muna.
I was the only student who was walking on the corridors because everyone was busy with the exam. The morning air softly my brush my skin and let my hair go along with it since I haven’t tied it up.
The ray of the morning sun was position already to where it belongs and gives a magnifying light that reflects on the glass wall of the office. I liked both sunrise and sunsets since, for me the sunrise signifies a new beginning, new hope to continue living our lives while the sunsets indicate that the end of the day was already gone and it’s time for you to look forward to the things that might happen tomorrow.
The leaves were falling and scattered as another air again comes. It was a perfect day to admire the beauty of the earth if I don’t have an upcoming exam hours before. When I reached my destination I was hoping that I could at least see him before our exam would start but my expectation leads me to disappointment when I saw no one in that place.
“I thought I could at least see him,” I whispered to myself.
Pagdating ko sa may round table ay agad akong nilabas ang mga libro para ipagpatuloy ang aking nasimulan kanina. I was trying to gather all the information that I had earlier and recites it loudly. Since, ako lang naman ang tao dito ay medyo nilakasan ko ang boses ko.
“The main function of the circulatory system on our body which consists of the heart and blood vessels is to transport it to our body. They deliver oxygen and nutrients that our body needed for the metabolic processes to tissues that carry waste products from cellular metabolism to the kidneys and other excretory organs for elimination and circulate electrolytes and hormones needed to regulate body function.”
Ever since high school, this topic was always repeated by our teacher. Kaya ni re-recap ko lang ‘yong mga natutunan ko. I always love to study cardio since it is my dream to become a cardiothoracic surgeon someday. Kaya kapag puso ang pinag-uusapan medyo active ang brain and all system ko para mag participate.
Pero kapag puso ko naman ang pinag-uusapan doon ako humihina. I laughed at my thought. Since when I have joked about this?
After laughing at my silly joke that my mind created I continue reciting some pieces of information.
“It is understandable that one of the major parts of the circulatory system is the heart which is the main function was to pump blood in our body. The arterial system is part of the heart and the function of it was to distributes oxygenated blood to the tissues. The responsible for collecting deoxygenated blood from the tissues and returns it to the heart was. . .was—
I was in the middle of it when I forgot what was it! Ito talaga ‘yong tinatandaan ko palagi tapos makakalimutan ko lang!
“Come on, Henzy. . . ma aalala mo ‘yan!” I cheered myself up.
Inulit ko mula sa simula ang pag re-recite ko para mas ma-alala ko. Pero no’ng nakarating na ako kung saan ako huminto kanina ay hindi ko na naman masabi-sabi!
“The responsible for collecting the deoxygentated blood was—“
Napatalon ako sa aking kina-uupuan ng may narinig akong boses na kilalang-kilala ko na.
“The responsible for collecting deoxygenated blood from tissues and return it to the heart was the venous system,” a voice from behind answer the term that I forgot.
I looked at Reeve who is now sitting in front of me wearing his rimmed glasses and holding a book. His looks now were clean than the usual looks he has because he had his hair arranged sideways, leaving a trace of line on the side.
“You’re still loud when you’re studying, huh,” he cooly stated.
“You’re here!”
Hindi ko sinasadya na masasabi ‘yon ng may halong kasiyahan. I was just glad that he’s here already.
He raised his left brow and grinned, “You were waiting for me?”
Oh, crap! Did it sound like I was really waiting for him? Why so obvious, Henzy.
Huminga ako ng malalim at inayos ang sarili. . .kung hinihintay ko nga siya ano naman ngayon? Kasi totoo naman na hinihintay ko siya. . .pero s’yempre hindi ko aaminin sa kaniya ‘yon.
“No, I wasn’t waiting for you,” I denied and start looking again on my book.
“Hmmmm. . . really? Malik-mata ko lang siguro ‘yong nakita ko na babaeng kanina pa linga-linga as if she was waiting for someone to come.”
Nandito siya kanina pa?! How come I didn’t notice his presence. Walang ka tao-tao dito kanina!
“You were here?” I stopped what I am doing and asked him.
His lips rose, “So, you were waiting.”
“Liar. You were not here earlier,” I raised my brow and started observing him if he was really telling the truth.
“Uhuh. I was here you just didn’t notice my presence.” He looked at me with those deep set of eyes telling me that he was telling the truth.
Ito na naman ‘yong puso ko na parang may hinahabol na karera dahil pabilis nang pabilis ang tibok niya. I had to looked away and went back again on my book.
Come on, Henzy. Focus sa aralin wag sa lalaki. . . kailangan mo pa mag-aral dahil nakalimutan mo ‘yong kanina.
Speaking of. . . I looked at Reeve and saw him also reading his books.
“Thank you pala,” I told him out of nowhere.
“For what?” tanong niya pabalik pero hindi nakatingin sa akin. He was too focused on his book.
“For answering the answer that I haven’t answer.”
“Ahhhh. . . the venous system. No problem glad to help,” he nodded, still not looking at me.
Grabe! Parang hangin lang ako sa harap niya ha. . .
“Kausap mo ba talaga ako or ‘yong librong hawak mo?” puna ko.
He stopped midway of highlighting and looked at me. Ayan. . . sa akin ka dapat nakatingin hindi sa libro.
“I’m studying.”
“I’m talking to you,” I casually said.
“You’re jealous of the book now?”
“Why would I be jealous of that book.” I leaned closer and pointed his book “If I know that after you close that your eyes will be laid on me. . .only me,” pagbabanat ko sa kaniya.
I caught him stiffened on my moves and moves his adams apple. Hindi pa rin ako umalis sa posisyon ko kaya kung titigan sa malayo parang may ginagawa akong kababaglahan sa kaniya.
He composed himself and left a word that I didn’t know it could affect me so much.
“My eyes were already your’s ever since the beginning.”
The exam finally ended and luckily, I answer all the questions. Mabuti na lang at ‘di ako na distract sa mga sinabi ni Reeve kanina sa akin kaya na-iraos ko pa naman ang exam.
Reeve is both good and bad on my system. . .
“How was the exam?” my mother called me.
“It was fine. I think I aced one of the course,” I answered her question. Lahat ng pinag-aralan namin ni Reeve ay lumabas sa exam. Pati na rin ‘yong mga posibleng question na sinabi niya sa akin ay lumabas din,
I was happy when finally I get to understand pharmacology and thanks to him. Pero hindi ko pa rin malilimutan ang sinabi niya sa akin sa tambayan namin.
Mabuti na lang at tinawagan ako ni Renaissa sakto pagkatapos niya ‘yong sabihin sa akin at hindi niya nakita kung gaano namumula ang mga pisnge ko no’n.
“Oh. . . I’m glad that you aced one of the hardest subjects you encountered, Mag-ina nga talaga tayo, dahil pariha tayo na nahihirapan sa subject na ‘yan,” she chuckled on the other line.
“And I was able to overcome it,” I told her.
“Yes, you did and I am so proud of you.” I can feel the happiness building inside me.
My mother and I are so close with each other. She was always there for me when I needed her the most, she always cheered me up and push me to strive hard for my own growth.
Kaya laking tuwa ko na talaga masabihan niya ako ng ganito kahit ilang beses niya pang ulit-ulitin. Even with our smallest achievement she is always proud of us and will forever be.
I just felt bad when I needed to lie with my break-up to Christoph. Alam ko kasi na masasaktan din sila kasi napalapit na ang loob niya sa kanila. That’s why I decided to lie when I know it was wrong..
Lying will never be right and possibly it could make things worst. I do hope that someday if I will tell them the truth hindi sila magagalit sa akin.
“Thank you, mom.”
“You’re always welcome my dear. We miss you already.” I can feel the loneliness in my mother’s tone. My heart sunk when I heard the word ‘miss’..
“Me too, I miss you,” I replied back.
“Kailan na ang clinicals rotation n’yo?” mom suddenly asked about my upcoming clinical rotation.
“Next week, mom. Start na ng duty naming.”
“Good. .. Prepare yourself always okay? You must be aware of your surroundings lalo’t na kapag uutusan ka ng mga doctor. Be observant and vigilant always ha. I know you can do it. I believe in you,” mom leaving an advice kung ano ba dapat ang gagawin ko kapag clinicals na namin.
“Thank you for believing in me. Yes mom, noted lahat ng sinasabi mo.”
“Okay, I will end the call now. Kailangan ako ng pasyente ngayon. . . bye I love you and take care of yourself always.”
“I love you to—“ I was about to answer but she ended the call already. I really appreciate mom of making time for us even she’s busy being a surgeon. Busy with saving the lives of other people and busy taking care of them.
Saving lives isn’t easy and I admire my parents for making good things happen. Even when they’re too busy at our hospital they would always remind us to take care of our selves.
Funny how the doctors take care of other patients yet they couldn’t take care of themselves. That was just the sad fact of being a doctor. Good doctors deserve all the recognition.
“Are you done talking to your mom?” si Renaissa, pagkababa galing sa kwarto. She’s now wearing a simple t-shirt and dolphin shorts. She was cooking that’s why she wore an apron.
“Yup,” sagot ko sa kaniya. I went to the dining table and prepare for the dinner. ‘Di porket apartment ko ‘to magigig buhay senyorita na ako dahil nandito si Renaissa.
She was done cooking now and place the food neatly. Renaissa loves cooking that’s why kahit simpleng putahi lang may plating talaga. I wonder kung bakit hindi related sa pagluluto ang kinuha nito.
We started eating when Renaissa opens up the topic earlier.
“So? What’s the matter with you?”
“Anong matter? Solid, liquid, and gas?” I joked that made her frown.
“Patawa ka sis,” she faked a smile supporting on my silly joke.
“Diba ‘yon naman talaga? Ano pa gusto mo . . concrete definition? That matter is made up of atoms that made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons? O gusto mo gamit tayo ng table of elements,” I added.
Naging busangot ang kaniyang mukha at parang kahit anong oras ay handa niya na akong ialay kay kamatayan kaya tinigil ko na ang pagpapatawa—na hind naman gumana dahil na inis siya.
“Ba’t tayo na punta sa chemistry, huh?! Ano gusto mo. . .lahadan kita ng atomic weight ng Carbon? Tapos recite mo sa akin electron configuration, valence electrons at oxidation state?!” inis na inis niyang ani sa akin.
“Yes, sis. Pwedeng-pwede,” dagdag na pang-iinis ko sa kaniya.
“Henzy!” sigaw niya sa akin dahil na pipikon na siya.
“Okay, chill. . . I don’t like the atmosphere kaya pinapatawa lang kita. Ang seryoso mo kasi eh.”
“Kaya nga kasi pag-uusapan natin problema mo!” inis pa ring saad niya sa akin.
“I told you, walang problema sa akin. Why would you think that I have a problem?”
Nakikita niya ba ako? I mean nababasa niya ba ang mga galaw ko? I have no plans in telling them the feeling that I had because I cannot admit it to myself. I don’t want them to confirm it. Gusto ko. . . ako lang.
Renaissa and Zenneth can be scary sometimes because they were both observant of the things that surround them.
“I know you had and I can I feel it. Maybe there’s none in physical but in emotional. . . I know they have,” her voice now was already serious.
My forehead creased mentioning the word ‘emotional’ “Emotional? Wala talaga, Renaissa,” tanggi ko sa kaniya.
Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata at mas nilapit ang mukha sa akin, “You’re lying.”
Agad ko namang iniwas ang mga mata ko sa kaniya at tinoon ang pansin sa aking pagkain. Was I too transparent? Kaya ito ang ayaw ko kapag si iba ang nakakapansin. It feel like I was stupid of not accepting what’s been showing in front of me.
“You’re in love,” she stated.
And I immediately denied it, “No! I am not!” my voice raised a bit causing her to stare too much at me.
“Ba’t ganyan reaks’yon mo? I was just stating it. I didn’t ask you if you were in love.”
Napasapo ako sa aking noo. Na dali ka doon, Henzy. Bakit ba kapag love na ang pinag-uusapan ang hina-hina mo?!
Renaissa raiser her brows on me, “So, you are.”
Inilingan ko siya agad, “No.”
Renaissa’s statement made me think. Was I? I cannot admit to myself that I am in love because love is a big word to just easily find out. Hindi naman na sa ganoong paraan masasabi kong mahal ko na ang isang tao.
It takes time. . . it always does. That why I am guarding myself of being in love. Shit happens when you’re in love. At first, it was like you’re entering a world of magic. It’s enchanting. Pero sa huli kailangan mo ring magsakripisyo. Just like every fantasy story has. . . sacrifice.
Hindi lang puro magic . .. They would also use that to fight and protect someone. So, if I were to compare it in love. . . hindi lang din puro saya ang dulot nito. There’s always pain . . but me, I am guarding myself of being in love to avoid pain.
“You sure? I think you’re keeping it. You don’t want to confront because you’re afraid of being in pain again. . you’re afraid of feeling the pain. Or let just say na, takot kang masaktan ulit.”
Then that hits me. Rason kung bakit ko pinipigilan ang sarili na ma-inlove dahil takot ulit akong masaktan. The pain of my past causes so much trauma on me that I was afraid again of trying. That I was afraid of confronting it.
“Alamin mo ang sarili mo. Kasi kahit anong sasabihin ko sa’yo kung mismo ayaw mong aminin sa sarili mo. Ikaw pa rin ang mahihirapan,” she softly said.
“Yes, I’m afraid. Afraid of trying things that involve my heart. Kasi tama ka, takot akong masaktan.”
“Don’t be afraid of trying again. That’s part of growing up. If you succeed then good for you and if not, better luck this time. But first, akuin mo muna sa sarili mo ang nararamdaman mo.”
“Yes, I will. . . I just need some confirmation,” I told her.
Maybe not. . . takot lang talaga siguro akong aminin.
Today is the clinical rotation and some of my block mates have been waiting for. I’m a bit nervous and excited at the same time because finally, I get to practice what we had learned in school in real people.
“Okay, just a reminder everyone. Do not forget the basics things that you need to remember in nursing. You’re dealing with the real people now and one wrong mistake could be the end of their lives. Always be attentive when the doctor will ask you to take care of something. When they will be asked you to take care of the patient. Be observant. There were things that you’re about to encounter that you hadn’t learned from schoo.”
“Dito n’yo sa hospital malalaman at matutunan lahat ng ‘yan. Be attentive. Everyone need your attention. Kailangan kayo dito sa hospital kaya bawal ang tamad-tamad. Do not be late. Your duties will start at 7:00 am. And always do your task. Complete the task that I have given to all of you.” Our clinical instructor instructed us on what we are going to do.
She already gave us the task and where I was assigned. I came prepared for this day, already checked kung sino ang pasyente na i-hahandle ko.
As I enter inside. The scent of carbolic acid embraces me as I step my foot in the hospital. Maraming mga tao ang naglalakad ang iba hindi mapakali and iba naman ay kalma lang. Some doctors and nurses were walking some were trying to comfort a family. There were some people who were happy because of the good news.
Kapag nakapasok ka na sa loob ng hospital. . . hindi mo talaga malalaman kung ano na ang mangyayari sa’yo pagkatapos. Uuwi ka ba ng masaya or malungkot. Kasama mo pa ba ang mahal mo sa buhay o bangkay ang iuuwi mo.
That’s why some people are afraid to be treated in the hospital because the will never know what’s been waiting for them.
“Good morning,” a stern voice of someone I know filled my ears.
“Uh. . . good morning?” I greeted back not so sure. Nasa mood ata to ngayon ah.
“You’re not happy to see me?” he asked and press the elevator button.
I blinked my eyes twice and breath slowly. I wasn’t imagining right? It’s Reeve right?
It doesn’t feel right. There’s something wrong sa kanya this morning. . . .
“You’re not you,” I stated what’s on my mind
The elevator open and the people went out. Akala ko may kasabay kami pero nag sarado na lang walang pumapasok. That means the kaming dalawa lang ang nandito.
Umusog ako sa pinakagilid ng apat na sulok na ‘to at sinandal ang aking likod. Reeve also was on the other side plastered with a smile on his face.
“I am me,” he replied
“Anong nakain mo?” taking tanong ko pa rin sa kaniya.
“Kanin?” sagot niya rin ng patanong.
Tumayo ako ng tuwid at dahan-dahan na lumapit sa kaniya. Kinapa-kapa ang mukha niya and I even pinched his cheeks and nose. Wala akon paki-alam kung ano ang sasabihin niya sa akin.
“Okay. . .okay. . ikaw ata ang weird dito eh,” he chuckled. Kinuha niya ang mga kamay ko na hanggang ngayon ay nakahawak pa rin sa mga pisngi niya.
He crouched and lean on me making move backward. Akala ko ganoon lang ang gagawin niya pero hindi. Patuloy pa rin siya sa pag lapit sa akin hanggang sa naramdaman ko na ang lamig ng salamin.
He was leaning on me when he get my one hand and put it to his chest.
“Feel the heartbeats? It’s weird because it beats for you.