CHAPTER 20
Life is precious so we must live with it. Every chapter has a beginning and an end. In every closing chapter, there was a mission and lesson behind it. So is life.
Life is all about dealing with any of the circumstances. If love has pain so is life. Life has also its twin—hindrance.
“Are you okay?” One of the nurses asked me. Nandito ako sa nurse station to check some of the patient's chart. It’s been months when our clinical rotation started. Although I have some experiences before, it was just minimal compared to what we are doing now.
I get to witness the death of a patient every day. Yes, it’s normal pero iba rin pala kapag ikaw mismo ang nakaka-witness ng lahat ng iyon. We took care of our patients every day. Nasa kanila umiikot ang mundo mo sa loob ng hospital. Kaya ang pagkawala nila ay masyadong masakit para sa akin.
No matter how hard you do to save them. . .kung panahon na nila wala na tayong magagawa.
“I just witness another death,” I smiled weakly at her. Dapat masanay na ako sa ganito. This will be my job in the near future.
“It’s normal. Hindi natin hawak ang buhay nila,” she comforted me.
“Iba pa rin pala talaga kapag ikaw talaga mismo ang nakakita ng lahat ng mga pangyayari,” I shared to her.
“Ganyan din ako no’ng unang sabak ko sa pagiging nurse. Alam ko naman na hindi madali ang pagiging nurse dahil sa mga walang katapusan na trabaho. Pero, ang mas mahirap pala ay ‘yong ikaw mismo ang makakakita ng pagkamatay nila. My first experience about that is. . .I cried so hard,” she shared to me.
“Napaiyak talaga ako no’n ng nang sobra-sobra na sa tuwing naiisip ko, biglang kusang tutulo ang mga luha ko. Kasi, ‘yong pasyente na ‘yon ay napamahal sa akin. I was there all the time to monitor him tapos sa isang iglap, nawala na siya. . .”she added.
“Never thought that this will be hard,” I murmured.
“Kailangan mo ng masanay kasi ito na ‘yong magiging trabaho mo, soon,” sabi niya habang inaayos ang mga chart at ang iba ay binibigay sa mga nurse for their assigned patients.
“I am still adjusting,” I casually told her as I checked the chart of one of our patients.
“Masasanay ka rin, kagaya sa amin.”
“At kapag sanay ka na, normal na lang ang lahat ng ‘yan para sa’yo. Doctors do their best to save them and we also tried our best to assist them. Kapag tinatawag ka na hindi ka na makakatakas. Death cannot be avoided,” dagdag niya pa bago binilang ulit ang mga chart.
Death is the only thing that we cannot avoid. Death can happen with no specific measures. Possibleng ngayon ay pwede tayong mamatay. That is why cherish every moment you had with your loved ones. Kasi, hindi natin alam na anytime ay wala na sila sa tabi mo.
But what hurts the most is the unexpected death.
I heaved a sigh and continue what I am doing. This isn’t the first time that I witness their death. It happened to me many times. Lalo na at paiba-iba kami ng rotation. Last week nasa OBGYN department ako.
I am a student nurse and I had to assist the doctor in delivering the baby. I was there to witness how the mother suffered in delivering the baby during her stages of labor. I was there to assist the mother and to keep her monitor always.
Only to end up her child wasn’t crying after she gave birth. The doctor tried so many times to revive the baby. Everyone in that operating room was silently praying na sana umiyak na ang baby. . .pero kahit anong gawin ng doctor ay hindi talaga.
Her baby died. Imagine the pain that goes through the mother. She waited for her baby for nine months. Pero hidi niya inaasahan na kakargahin niya ang kaniyang anak na hindi umiiyak.
Tumingala ako upang pigilan ang nagbabadyang luha at huminga ng malalim. Last week lang ‘yon nangyari at sa tuwing naiisip ko ‘yon ay palagi akong naiiyak. Parang merong nakadagan na matigas na bagay sa aking puso sa tuwin naiisip ko ‘yon kaya nagiging emotional ako.
I cried silently after knowing that the baby didn’t survive. The mother and father couldn’t accept the fact that their baby was dead.
“Nga pala, Henzy. Kailangan ng palitan ang mga beddings sa floor na ‘to,” biglang sabi ng nurse na kasama ko dito. I composed myself and turned my back at her. I smiled at kinuha ‘yong mga chart na hawak niya.
Nurses also change the beddings of each patient. Kada floor sa amin ay mayroong mga student nurse na naka-assign. The regular nurses would often ask for our assistance kapag hassle na talaga ang trabaho nila. Sometimes, nag o-observed din kami sa mga pangyayari.
We’re doing our job and at the same time, we’re learning.
“Good Morning,” bati ko sa unang kwarto na aking pinasukan. ‘Yong floor na naka-assigned sa akin ngayon ay lahat private room. There were almost 25 rooms dito at lahat ng ‘yon ay pupuntahan ko para palitan ang kanilang beddings.
“Good Morning din, nurse Henzy,” pabalik na bati niya sa akin.
I smiled and neared to her to assist her in going out to her bed, “Narito po ako para palitan ang ‘yong higaan Mrs. Dela Cruz.”
“Sure, nurse Henzy,” she genuinely smiled at me.
“You remember me!” masayang ani ko sa kaniya at sinimulan na ang pagpapalit ng kaniyang higaan.
“Oo naman. . . ikaw ata ang pinaka mabait at maalagain na nurse na nag-alaga sa akin. ‘Di kagaya sa iba d’yan,” komplementa niya na may kasamang biro sa huli.
“Naku, naku Mrs. Dela Cruz, ‘wag n’yo po akong bulahin. Baka ma fall ako,” biro ko sa kaniya habang inaayos ang kan’yang higaan.
“Totoo naman… Ayaw ko talaga sa ibang mga nurse na nag-aalaga sa akin. Lahat ay mga masusungit,” pakunwaring tampo niya pa.
Hindi na ako nag abala pang tumugon sa kaniya. I just give her my small smile and continue what I am doing. Hindi ko rin masisi ang mga nurse minsan kung bakit ang iba ay masungit or nagiging moody.
Their job wasn’t easy in the first place. Sa isang nurse maraming mga pasyente ang nakatuka sa kaniya upang alagaan at e monitor lahat ng mga pasyente. One month of being here nakikita ko na kung paano ang takbo ng hospital dito.
Isang nurse at maraming pasyente ang dapat mong e monitor at alagaan. Lahat ng ‘yon ay ikaw ang gagawa, magpapakain, mag-aayos ng kanilang beddings, pag mo-monitor sa kanilang vital signs at susunod sa utos ng mga doctor.
Kaya hindi ko rin sila masisi kung minsan nasusungitan nila ang ibang mga pasyente. They’re not robots, they’re also humans. Napapagod din. . . It just that the health system here in our country sucks. Kaya ang daming nurse ang nangingibang bansa dahil halos binabalewala lang ng gobyerno ang mga medical liners.
That is why I salute those medical liners who choose to stay here in our country despite them, being neglected by the government. Mas nanaig ang bayanihan at pagmamahal sa kapwa. They know that they are needed by the Filipinos.
“Siya nga pala, Nurse. Henzy.” Kusang lumitaw ang ngiti sa aking labi ng marinig ang pagbanggit niya sa aking pangalan. Nurse Henzy. . . Hindi pa naman ako ganap na isang nurse. I am just a student nurse who was observing and applying all the things that we have learned from school.
Pero ang marinig ang mga salitang ‘yon ay nakakataba sa puso. How much more if in the future they’d be calling me, Doc. Henzy.
“Po?” I happily said.
“May boyfriend ka na?” tanong niya na may halong pang-aasar.
“Nako.. Mrs. Dela Cruz. Wala pa sa isip ko ang pag bo-boyfriend,” tugon ko naman sa kaniya. Hindi lang si Mrs. Dela Cruz ang pasyenteng nagtanong sa akin nito. Halos lahat ata dito tinatanong ako if may boyfriend na ako.
Nakita ko kung paano unti-unting umaangat ang mga sulok ng labi ni Mrs. Dela Cruz pagkatapos kong sabihin na wala akong naging boyfriend. She even crossed her arms in front of me and observed me from head to toe.
“Hindi ako naniniwala. Sa ganda mong ‘yan wala ka pang boyfriend?” Naniningkit at may halong pang-aasar niyang sabi sa akin.
I checked her vitals sign and list it on her chart pagkatapos no’n ay inayos ko ang kaniyang IV fluids. “Wala po talaga akong boyfriend Mrs. Dela Cruz. Wala pa sa isip ko ‘yan. And besides, love isn’t in my vocabulary right now. I have a lot of things to focused on, and love isn’t on the list,” mahinahon na tugon ko sa kaniya.
How could I enter into a relationship if my feelings were still messy and unpredictable? I don’t want the person to love me and suffer with me just because of some unexplainable things that build inside me.
Just like what I’ve said, I want to be whole when I chose to love again, and that is to find the inner peace that I had been longing for. That means also that I had to find him.
“You’re young, modest, and simple. Many boys will go out there waiting for you. But why is love isn’t on your list, young lady?” This time her voice was suddenly turned into a harmonious one.
Love isn’t in my vocabulary because there was still anger building up on me. I don’t want the word love to be destroyed just because of those anger that affects me as a whole. When the time comes, I want love to be remembered as a feeling that everyone should feel.
Love should be magical.
Magic because when I love, I want to feel the sparks in between. Sparks wherein it keeps the light of the two hearts. . . who were molded as one and be with each other through any circumstances.
I don’t want love to be remembered as anger, agony, and suffering. It’s too much for me to handle those. Those were the words that keep on haunting me whenever I heard the word love.
“I am still a student and had many priorities, Mrs. Dela Cruz. Kaya wala muna sa isip ko ang pagmamahal.” Ang tan
She nodded at my response. Pero hindi niya pa rin maialis ang mga tingin niya sa akin. She even smirked and observe me more. Parang pinapasok niya ang kaloob-looban ko at may gustong malaman sa mga sagot ko.
“Ayos lang po ba kayo, Mrs. Dela Cruz?” nagtatakang tanong ko sa kaniya.
“If you describe love in one word. How would you describe it?”
Without a second thought, I answered her question immediately, “Love is pain.”
Pain. . . kasi sa tuwing nagmamahal ako puro sakit ang nakukuha ko. It was like when I love aasahan ko na agad na may kapalit ang lahat. Just like what he did to us.
How could he do that to us? If he loves me, he would never do such things in front of me. He would never do such an inhuman act to me—to us. Napakasakit na harap-harapan kaming sinasampal ng katotohanan na kaya niya ‘yong gawin sa amin. Did he ever love us?
“Your answer was quite something—unique perhaps. Kapag nagtatanong ako sa mga ka-edaran mo. . . they would often answer me with positive. That love is life, love is happiness. But your answer was different among them,” she told me with a glint of a smile on her face.
“Why pain?” she asked me again.
“Pain is the twin of love, that’s why I answered pain. Love isn’t love when there’s no pain, right? Kapag nagmamahal. . .nasasaktan,” I answered what’s on my mind.
“Yes, the pain would always be there. Pero sa nakikita kong sagot sa’yo ang tanging nakikita mo lang kapag nagmamahal ay ang sakit. You never look at the other side of love,” she informed me.
“Ano pong ibig-sabihin niyo?” I asked confused.
Instead of answering me, she just answer me with something else that made me confused even more, “The hatred you have in your heart was big and there’s no space for someone to enter. Kaya wala sa bokabularyo mo ang pagmamahal dahil mayroon ka pang hinahanap-hanap na ‘di mo mahanap.”
“Therefore I conclude, love hurt you. The way you answer my question earlier did tell me something. I can sense the hatred in your heart. Set your heart free and you will see how captivating love is. Love isn’t always about pain. Love should be bitter-sweet,” she added.
The whole time that I am doing my job. My conversation with Mrs. Dela Cruz keeps on replaying in my head. Love should be bitter-sweet? What does it mean?
Maybe, someday I get to understand what does it mean. Hindi ko pa nakikita ang rason kung bakit niya nasabi ‘yon sa akin. I believe that there’s a deep meaning behind those words.
After I change the beddings of the patients on the assigned floor, I also checked their charts to see if may kulang pa at hindi pa na check na mga pasyente. I keep myself busy that I didn’t notice the time.
“Henzy, tapos na ang duty mo. Hindi ka pa ba uuwi?” Athena, one of the regular nurse informed me.
Napatingin naman ako sa relo ko ng nabanggit niya kung anong oras na. Hindi ko na nga na bantayan ang oras dahil naging busy ako sa aking ginagawa. This is me when I get to enjoy the things that I wanted.
“Hindi ko namalayan ang oras. Uuwi na ako tatapusin ko lang ‘to,” I told her.
Pagkatapos kong tapusin ang ginagawa ako ay agad na akong umalis doon. Iba-iba ang department na naka assigned sa mga student nurse kaya hindi ko nakita si Renaissa at ang iba ko pang mga blockmates ngayon.
I didn’t even see him.
Pagkalabas ko sa hospital ay agad na bumungad sa akin ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. The trees were swinging following the direction of the wind. Napatingala ako at nakita ko kung gaano ka lungkot ang panahon. The clouds were ready to pour all the heavy things inside of it.
Shit. . . wala akong dalang payong kung biglaang babagsak ang ulan ngayon. Medyo malayo ang hospital at ang apartment ko kaya mababasa ako ng ulan kapag hindi pa ako aalis ngayon.
I can’t afford to be sick right now. Dahil na rin sa panahon ngayon ay walang masyadong sasakyan ang dumadaan sa harap ng hospital. How come I wasn’t informed na uulan pala?!
Habang patagal nang patagal ako dito ay siya ring padilim nang padilim ng mga ulap. Nagsitayuan ang aking balahibo sa mga braso ng maramdaman kong dumaplis uli ang lakas ng hangin. Agad naman akong napayakap sa aking sarili ng maramdaman ko na ang panginginig ng aking katawan.
“Bakit kasi hindi ko inalam ang panahon ngayon,” bulong ko sa aking sarili.
Naghintay pa ako ng ilang minute nagbabasakali na may ma sasakyan, pero sa aking paghihintay ay wala pa rin. I was about to leave to find another place para maka-uwi na ako when someone grabbed my hand behind.
The familiar scent filled my nose when I bumped myself to him. Naramdaman ko rin ang biglang paglagay niya ng kung anong makapal na bagay sa aking likod—protecting me from the cold breeze of the air.
“Kanina pa tapos ang duty natin pero hanggang ngayon nandito ka pa rin. . . Balak mo bang magkasakit?” A worried voice of Reeve enveloped my ears as he was trying to fix the thick clothes on my back.
Agad kong inalayo ang sarili ko sa kaniya pagkatapos niyang ilagay ang jacket sa akin. Tumuwid ako sa pagtayo at iniwasan ang mga panunuya niyang tingin. Ang kaninag lamig na naramdaman ko ay medyo nawala dahil sa jacket na inilagay niya sa akin.
“Why are you here? tanong ko sa kaniya.
“What do you think?” pabalik din na tanong niya sa akin.
I raised my brows and face him, “You’re here for me?”
When his eyes met mine, I unconsciously swallowed and looked away again. He was still wearing the usual uniform we had yet he’s still looking so fresh all the time. It’s like he never dealt with any stress in his life.
His face was also flawless because I have never seen any pimples nor pores on his face! Samantalang ako ilang skin care pa ang dapat ilapat sa aking mukha para makuha ang inaasam ko na glass skin!
“You’re not dumb at all,” he chuckled deeply.
“Wow, the nerve of you calling me dumb ha!” I ranted.
“Bakit? Hindi ba?” pang-aasar niya pa.
“Wow! Sige ikaw na matali—‘’ hindi ko natapos ang aking sasabihin nang bigla akong napabahing dulot sa lamig ng panahon.
Agad ko ring niyakap ang sarili ng dumaplis uli ang hangin sa akin. Ang jacket na nilagay niya sa akin ay hindi sapat para hindi makaramdam ng lamig.
“You’re catching a cold. Let’s go to my car I’ll take you home.” he looked at me in the eyes seriously and grabbed my hand following his steps.
“No need. Mag co-commute na lang ako,” tanggi ko sa kaniya. I don’t want to bother him. I can manage myself.
“Don’t be hardheaded. Ihahatid kita,” matigas na wika niya.
“I don’t want to bother you.”
He heaved a deep breath and stated, “You’re not bothering me. I was here for you, kaya ‘wag ng matigas ang ulo mo at sumunod kana sa akin.”
Dahil hawak-hawak niya ang aking kamay ay wala na akong nagawa kundi sumunod sa kaniya.
His hand was big to scoop my tiny hand. The veins on his hand were protruding as he hold tightly on it. Hindi ko na namalayan na unti-unti na pala akong ngumingiti sa simpleng ganito lang niya.
Oh, Reeve. . . If my heart were ready, I would eventually fall for you without doubting myself. I am hoping that if the time comes you would fall for me, I hope that you can still wait for me. Kailangan ko munang ayusin ang sarili ko para hindi ka masaktan.
Hindi malayo ang sasakyan niya sa kung saan ako naka pwesto kanina kaya agad din kaming nakarating. Pero nagtaka ako ng sa backseat niya binuksan ang pinto at hindi sa frontseat.
Hindi na lang ako umimik pa at agad na pumasok. Wala akong karapatan mag reklamo dahil sasakyan niya rin naman ‘yan at nakikisakay lang ako.
Pagkapasok ko sa loob ng sasakyan ay agad na nanlalaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ko kung sino ang babaeng naka-upo sa harapan.
My heart was beating so fast and the feeling that I have been keeping triggers inside. Funny how I am trying to avoid the people in my past yet they were the one who keeps on haunting me. Ganito ba dapat kapag nanahimik na ako ay siya namang gulo ang dadating?
Seeing her face right now makes me want to vomit. My hand unconsciously formed into a fist and breathe heavily. Never did I thought that I will be seeing her again, alive and kicking.
“Long time no see, bitch,” she raised her brows on me as she watches me in the rearview mirror.
Hindi ko siya pinansin at itinoon ang pansin sa labas. Reeve was still on the outside talking with the someone. Many questions were running on my head. How come Reeve knows her? Bakit sila magkasama? Is she Reeve’s girlfriend?
Damn… Upon thinking about the last question I had. . . vent my anger inside. How dare he showing any signs on me pero may girlfriend pala siya?! Gagawin niya pa akong kabit!
“Ilang taon ng nakalipas, maldita ka pa rin,” ani nito sa maledemonyong tono.
“Ilang taon ng nakalipas, pangit ka pa rin,” I told her frankly.
Her look right now made her as a wicked witch. Though she’s already a witch.
She laughe evily and turned to me, “Small world my lil sis. We have things in common. ‘Di ko akalain na makikita kita sa ganitong paraan.”
“You’re not my sister,” I said firmly. Kahit kailan hindi kita naging kapatid. What happened in the past was a mistake. . .
“Hanggang ngayon ayaw mo pa rin sa akin, lil sis?” mapanuyang tanong niya.
Tiningna ko si Reeve na tapos ng maki pag-usap sa labas at unti-unting lumalapit dito. I took the time to face the evil bitch in front.
I raised my brows on her, “’Wag kang plastic. . . Di tatalab sa akin ‘yan.”
She was about to say something but Reeve was already inside the car. This two-faced bitch. Kung gaano ka maldita ang mukha niya kanina ganoon na rin ka – amo ang mukha niya ngayon.
“Ky, who’s this girl? I have never met her before,” malumayang tanong niya kay Reeve.
Wow, such an actress. I felt Reeve looking at me, pero hindi ko siya tinignan pabalik. The nerve of him bringing me to his car, tapos may babae naman pala siyang kasama! Wow, ginawa pa akong third wheel sa kanila.
“She’s Henzy Neve,” pagpakilala niya sa akin. Pero hindi ko pa rin sila tinignan. Such an eyesore.
Kung alam mo lang, kilalang-kilala ako ng babaeng ‘yan.
“Oh! What a great name. Nice to meet you, Henzy.” What a plastic bitch.
Ayaw kong maging maldita sa harap ng bisita ni Reeve kaya pinakita ko sa kaniya ang matamis kong ngiti. “Nice to meet you too?”
“I’m Joana Marie,” pagpakilala niya sa kaniyang sarili. . .
Tsk. Reeve didn’t even introduce yourself to me. What a pitty.
“Joana. Nice to meet you,” plastic kong sabi sa kaniya.
Pagkatapos no’n ay hindi na ako umimik pa. I was quiet the whole ride and Reeve noticed it. Joana on the other hand keeps on talking some non-sense things to Reeve when in fact Reeve seems uninterested to listen to her.
He was trying to bring me up on their topic yet Joana was eager to make me out of place. Wala rin naman ako sa mood maki pag chika sa kanila dahil naririndi ako sa boses at mukha ni Joana.
And Reeve. . . Kung tama nga ang nasa isip ko na girlfriend niya sa Joana ay gago siya. Wow.. I thought he’s different from other boys, kagaya lang din pala siya ng iba.
Gago na manloloko pa.
Inaaliw ko na lang ang aking sarili sa panonood sa labas kahit na madilim na. The clouds were mad just like me as the heavy drops of the rain created flood at the streets and it continuously pouring.
Hindi din nagtagal ay agad na na huminto ang sasakyan. I was about to go out when I noticed that we stopped at a different place..
Doon ko lang napansin na nasa harap pala kami ng Hotel. I stayed still inside and wait for the bitch to come out.
“Thank you for the ride, Ky. I’ll see you again!” she happily said and she even kiss the cheeks of Reeve before storming out.
Reeve eyes got widen as he didn’t expect the moves of Joana.
Agaran ko namang iniwas ang tingin ko nang makita iyon. Nakaramdam ng kunting kirot ang aking puso. Damn. . . why does it hurt?
“Neve,” he called me. Nandito na kami sa harap ng apartment ko at hindi ko na siya hinintay pa. Pagkahinto ng sasakyan ay agad na akong bumaba at dali-daling binuksan ang pinto ng apartment ko.
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m okay,” I lied.
“You’re not,” he concluded.
Hinarap ko siya at binigyan ng nakaka-asar na ngiti, “Alam mo naman pala na hindi ako okay eh bakit tinanong mo pa ako?”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Wala. . . Salamat sa paghatid papasok na ako sa loob.” At tinalikuran siya pero hindi pa ako naka isang hakbang ng bigla na naman niyang hinila ang aking kamay at pinaharap sa kaniya.
“What now Reeve? I’m tired,” pagod kong sabi sa kaniya.
“You’re not okay. Tell me, what’s wrong?” Nakikita ako ang pag-aalala sa kaniyang mga mata at sa boses niya.
Hindi ako umimik at iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya. He’s holding both of my hands tightly. Parang takot na takot na makawala ako sa kaniya.
He was trying to catch my eyes, pero nanatili pa rin akong hindi nakatingin sa kaniya.
“I think I know what you’re thinking right now.” I looked up only to see that his lips formed into a smile.
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. “Ano?”
“You’re thinking that Joana is my girlfriend? Am I right?” he carefully asked.
I remained silent. “Joana isn’t my girlfriend,” he answered his own question. Parang tanga.
After he mentioned that the evil bitch isn’t his girlfriend my heart feels at peace for a moment. I had my conclusion wrong. Pero hindi pa rin ako panatag na nandito si Joana. That evil bitch. I know she’s up to something.
Many years had passed yet she doesn’t change at all. The memories I had with her aren’t something that I should look up to. Those were the trash memories that need to be buried at the depth of my soul.
Kung ano man ang plano niya ngayon ay nararamdaman kong may connection ito sa nakaraan ko.
“Then ano mo siya?” mataray na tanong ko sa kaniya. Just because he said that Joana isn’t his girlfriend ay bibigay na ako ka-agad.
I saw him swallowed hard but instead of looking away he chose to look at me and he told me honestly, “She’s my ex-girlfriend back in New York.”