CHAPTER22
I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist when I saw with my two eyes how her lips brush on Reeve’s lips. Naging mabilis ang aking paghinga at tila wala akong pakialam sa mga nangyayari sa kapaligiran ko dahil nakatuon lamang ang aking atensyon sa dalawang tao. Napalunok ako ng ilang beses habang patuloy pa rin akong nakatingin sa kanilang dalawa.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito na lamang ang reaksiyon ko nang makita ng aking dalawang mata kung paano hinalikan ni Joana si Reeve. My heart was beating so fast yet every beat of it wasn’t the beat that I used to feel. My heart was pounding heavily because it hurts. It hurts seeing Reeve kissing another woman even if it wasn’t his intention to kiss that f’cking bitch.
Nakatalikod si Reeve sa akin at si Joana naman ay nakaharap. She was leaning on Reeve and while she’s kissing him her eyes directed on me and smirked. Tingin na may halong pang-aasar na siya pang mas ikinuyom ng aking mga kamao. When she saw my reaction she smiled wickedly at me as she pushed herself to Reeve even more.
At habang patagal nang patagal ang paninitig ko sa kanila ay siya ring hapdi ang nararamdaman ko sa aking puso. Bago pa man ako makakita ng pangyayaring hindi ko inaasahan ay ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at tuluyan ng tumalikod sa kanila.
I know what I feel… I know how I feel… but I just can’t understand why I have to feel this way. The pain… ang sakit na matagal ko ng hindi nararamdaman ay unti-unti na namang bumabalik. The pain that I have been avoiding is now slowly getting back and the barrier that I have been putting was now slowly breaking.
Ang mga alaalang matagal ko ng ibinaon sa lupa ay bigla na namang bumalik sa aking isipan.
“Mommy, for you, what is love?” I asked my mom one time when we were in the kitchen, watching her cook the food for us.
I was thirteen years old at that time when I asked my mom what is love for her. Many teens my age often mention this love in our school. Hindi ko ma gets ang punto ng iba kong mga ka-klase na ‘mahal na raw’ ata nila ang kanilang mga natitipuhan sa paaralan. How could they call it love eh hindi nga nila malapit-lapitan ang mga crush nila sa paaralan eh.
And if that is the basis then love for them was too shallow.
“Bakit mo naman na tanong, anak?” si mama at inihanda ang kaniyang mga niluto sa lamesa. Agad naman akong natakam nang maamoy ko ang kaniyang niluto kaya dali-dali na akong pumwesto ng walang pagdadalawang isip.
She cooks one of my favorite food of all time, lasagna kaya ganoon na lamang ako ka takam na takam kainin ‘yon.
“It just pops out of nowhere,” I answered her still my eyes were laid on the lasagna in front of me. Ang tagal naman ni mama kumilos gustong-gusto ko ng kainin ang lasagna niya.
“You’re too young to know about love, honey.”
“May age preference ba ang pagmamahal mama?” inosenteng tanong ko. If I am too young to know about love so it does have an age preference or age limit? I don’t know I’m confused. At my age ba, hindi ko pa pwedeng maranasan ang pagmamahal? Kailangan ba talaga may specific age para maranasan ito?
She showed her sweet smile to me at umupo na sa dining. Before she answered me ay kinuhanan niya muna ako ng pagkain. “There are two kinds of love, honey,” then she places the plate in front of me hindi ko muna ito kinain kahit na takam na takam na ako dahil hinintay ko pa ang sagot niya, “one is called, puppy love and one is true love or the unconditional one.”
“Then?”
“Eat first,” she told me. Tumango naman ako at sinunod ang utos niya at isa pa kanina ko pa rin naman gustong kainin to.
My mom was watching me happily while I am eating the food she cooks and I showed to her my sweet smile. My mom is a resident doctor and at this age, I already understand how busy her life is. Minsan lang siya sa isang linggo umuwi rito sa bahay at imbis na ipahinga niya ‘yon ay mas pinili niya pa ring ilaan ang oras niya sa akin at ang way of bonding naming dalawa ay ang pagluluto though I am not cooking my mom is the one who cooks and I am just an eater.
My dad is a businessman but I seldom saw him going home. He is also a busy man and I understand it despite his busy schedule he never neglected me as her daughter. If he has time he would also spend his time with me yet I had a different bond with my father. If on mom, I would spend time with her by watching her cook, or we both watch some medical videos but with dad, I don’t do these things.
“Pagkatapos mama?” inip ko ng tanong sa kaniya. I am so eager to know the difference between them or kung meron ba.
“Why are you being curious about love, honey?” hindi na mapigilang matawa ni mama dahil sa tanong ko.
“Nakaka-curious eh,” sagot ko naman.
“Tell me, are you in love?” she suspiciously asked.
Napaangal naman ako sa tanong ni mama. “No! That’s why I am asking nga eh… I don’t even know that thing. All I know is that you and dad love me.”
She laughed at my sudden reaction.
“Puppy love is the love that you feel at such a young age, honey. Iyan ‘yong akala ng mga ka-edaran mo ay pagmamahal na ang nararamdaman but at time passes doon niyo pa lang malalaman that it wasn’t loved at all. Kasi ang pagmamahal ay malalim. Love has a deep meaning behind it. Kaya ang puppy love na ‘yan, ‘yan ‘yong mga panahon na attractive ka lang sa isang tao pero akala mo mahal mo na,” litanya ni mama.
Tumango tango ako habang nakikinig sa kaniya. Hindi ko akalain na may ganito pa lang klaseng pagmamahal. Puppy love… so puppy love lang pala ‘yong mga nararamdaman ng mga ka-klase ko towards their crushes. It wasn’t loved at all.
“Then what about true love or ‘yong unconditional?”
“As I’ve said love has a deep meaning. Unconditional love is love without condition, you see if you loved someone it doesn’t matter where he came from, it doesn’t matter if he’s perfect or not, it doesn’t matter kung masama ba siya o mabait... What matters for you is that your heart beats for him. Hindi mo alam ang rason kung bakit mahal mo ang tao na ‘yon. The love that has no boundaries. Basta nagmahal ka nagmahal ka. Lahat ng bagay sa kaniya ay mahal mo. Even the flaws and imperfections. Ito ‘yong klase na pagmamahal na kahit masaktan ka ay ayos lang sa’yo dahil nagmahal ka lang naman.”
“In this kind of love you are willing to sacrifice. For others, they called this love an unbreakable one. Unbreakable because if the lovers loved so much no one could tear them apart. They would conspire just to fight for their love.”
“I’m confused,” I told my mother. I’m confused by her words about the unconditional one. She said that even love hurts you ay ayos lang dahil nagmahal ka lang naman. Then bakit ka pa magmamahal kung alam mong masasaktan ka lang din naman pala sa huli?
“Bakit ka pa pala magmamahal kung alam mong masasaktan ka lang din naman pala?” I voiced out my thoughts.
“You’re too young for this honey. At the right time ay ikaw na mismo ang makakasagot sa mga tanong mo.”
“Then answer my question earlier mom, what is love for you?”
“Love is when you are willing to sacrifice everything,” she answered.
“Last one mama,” pahabol ko pa.
“What is it?”
“Does love has age preference?”
“Nope… love has no age preference, honey.”
“Then, bakit may mga puppy love pa kung pwede rin naman pala ma-inlove kahit anong edad pa, mama.” At mas lalo lamang na nagpalito pa sa akin.
She chuckled at my innocent question, “It depends on the situation honey, and it is for you to find out.”
“Someday, Henzy. You’re going to be your true love and at that point, all of your unanswered questions today will be answered by them.”
After that talk with my mother while having a breakfast ay agad na akong umakyat sa kwarto ko. My mom is tired so she should get some rest and it is fine with me even if we don’t hav more time to spend our mother and daughter bonding this day. I really appreciate her efforts in spending her time with me.
I was young and naïve back then that I was confused about the thing called love. Basta ang alam ko lang noon ay mahal ako ng pamilya ko. I somehow understand my mom when she said that love is when you are willing to sacrifice, kasi ganoon naman ang ginagawa ng mga magulang.
Little did I know that it meant something.
Days have passed and our home screams silence again. Bumalik na trabaho si mama at si papa naman ay ilang araw ng hindi umuwi dahil sa business trip niya sa New York. In the past few years, I observe that our home isn’t as usual as before. Dati, kahit na busy silang dalawa sa mga kani-kanilang trabaho ay naglalaan pa rin sila ng oras para sa isa’t isa.
Before, despite the busy schedule they had they would always come home at night and spend their time together as a couple. Pero sa mga taong lumipas din ay siya ring pagbabago ng aming tahanan. Kung dati ay parehas silang dalawa ang maglalaan ng oras para sa akin ngayon naman ay kanya-kanya na. Halos hindi na nila maramdaman ang isa’t isa bahay. My mom would come home without dad and the same as my dad.
At first, I thought it is because they are busy and had a different career. My mom was a doctor and my dad was a businessman so, their time wouldn’t fit, but years had passed and I was growing up when I noticed that things had changed. It is not the same as before.
One time my mother and father went home together. I was happy because finally, we could spend our time as a family. I was happy in the dining dahil sa ilang taon na nagdaan ay sabay-sabay ulit kaming kumakain sa hapag.
I was in eighth grade at that time. “Wow! Finally! Nagkasabay-sabay din tayong kumain ulit sa iisang hapag!” I happily said. The happiness I felt that time was overflowing. Ang kasiyahan ko ay mababaw lang. Makita lang na kompleto kami sa hapag ay nakakapasaya na sa akin. As a teenage girl, I only want to be complete with my family even in just a short period of time.
Kasi minsan na iingit ako sa mga batang kompleto silang kumakain sa hapag. I never beg for their time but I was hoping that they would notice how things changed.
My dad gave me a small smile and my mother kissed my cheeks. “I’m sorry kung wala na kaming oras sa’yo anak,” si mama. Nginitian ko lamang sila bilang tugon.
I never beg for their time because I understand them on this matter, especially my mother. She has a patient to take care of. Sa kaniyang kamay nakasalalay ang buhay ng mga tao at ito ang kinahahangaan ko sa kaniya. Kahit na busy siya ay gumagawa pa rin naman siya ng paraaan para maglaan ng oras para sa akin. The same as my father. Pero hindi na talaga kagaya no’ng mas bata pa ako. Sundays are our day. A family day. Tuwing linggo no’n ay uuwi sila sa bahay para ilaan ang oras sa akin at makapag-bonding kaming tatlo pero ngayon ay hindi na na naming na gagawa. Still, I understand the reason why…
“How’s your school?” my dad asked me in a serious tone in the middle of our dinner. Pinunasan niya ang gilid ng kaniyang labi at deretsong tumingin sa aking mga mata. Ang kaniyang mga mata ay humihiyaw ng awtoridad at kaseryosohan.
I’ve never been afraid of my father but now I am nervous in front of him.
I put the utensils on my plate and grab the water beside it. Medyo kinabahan ako sa boses ng aking ama kaya naman ay napainom ako ng tubig.
I looked at my mother who was also looking at me, pero hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang lungkot sa kaniyang mga mata.
“It’s okay dad. Malapit na ang final exam kaya todo review ako ngayon,” I thoughtfully answered my dad. Medyo kinakabahan ako sa boses ng aking ama kaya naman ay panay lunok ko sa aking laway para makalma ang aking sarili.
My dad has always been a serious one. Minsan ko lang ata siyang nakitang tumatawa. When we had our bonding together I rarely saw him smile siguro ay dala na rin sa pagod ng kaniyang trabaho kaya ganoon na lamang siya ka seryoso. But now… my heart was beating so fast due to nervousness.
“How’s your ranking in class?” seryosong pa rin nitong tanong sa akin. Napakunot naman ako sa aking noo dahil sa biglang pagiging interesado ng aking ama sa aking pag-aaral. He never asked me about my ranking in class because they would always tell me before to enjoy the things that I have learned.
But seeing him asked me about my ranking in school makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous even more. My heart was beating so fast and I couldn’t look into my father’s eye straight. Ang aking mga paa sa ilalim ng mesa ay nanginginig dulot ng matinding kaba na aking nararamdaman.
I know my performance when it comes to my academics. I worked hard to get high grades so that they would be proud of me. I am an honor student but I am not the top one. My place would always be the second one kahit pa na ginawa ko na ang aking makakaya.
Ryioujie, our neighborhood who happened to be my classmate was the one who is always on top.
Tumikhim ako at deretsong sinagot ang aking ama.
“Hindi ko pa alam papa kasi hindi pa naman kami nag final exam,” I honestly answered my dad while staring at his serious eyes directly. Nang mabanggit ko na hindi ko pa alam ay huminga siya ng malalim at nagtanong ulit ng panibagong tanong.
“How about your last exam? What about the results?” he impatiently implored.
Mas lalo lamang na kumunot ang aking noo. Bakit bigla siyang naging interesado sa aking pag-aaral. Hindi naman ganito si papa dati. As long as I don’t have any failing grades is fine with him but today he keeps asking a question about my performance in school.
“I got second place, dad,” I answered him truthfully. Pagkatapos ko siyang sagutin ay yumuko ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya kapag nalaman niyang pangalawa lamang ako sa aming klase.
I don’t want them to be disappointed in me.
“Wow! Congratulations anak! You did well,” my mom congratulated me kaya naman ay bigla akong napatingin sa kaniya. The happiness was evident in my mother’s eyes. Ang mga mata ng aking ina ay napaka expressive. You can easily spot if she is afraid, happy, or lonely because her eyes didn’t lie. Opposite to the eyes of my father who was the only evidence was the seriousness on it. It is not expressive and if you don’t know him, people would think that he is ruthless.
Seeing my mom being happy about me eases the nervousness that I am feeling towards dad. After I uttered those words I didn’t steal a glance in my father’s eye. I am scared that he might get disappointed in me. Second place is not bad for I work hard for that. It was just Ryioujie was so hard to beat.
Besides, I am happy and contented with the achievement that I have received. As long as I am enjoying the things that I have learned is all that matters to me. My achievements are just a bonus and the rewards of my hard work and it doesn’t define me in the future.
I believed that what really matters in the future is the hard work and determination is the key to success. Kaya hindi ko nga minsan ma isip-isip kung bakit ang ibang mga magulang ay pine-pressure ang mga anak sa pag-aaral. Hindi ba nila iniisip ang kapakanan ng kanilang anak? They keep pressuring their child into something that they don’t even want to do.
Tumikhim si papa kaya naman ay napabaling ako sa direksyon niya. Ilang beses pa akong lumunok upang mabawasan ang kaba na aking nararamdaman. They don’t know my achievements in school because I didn’t bother telling them. I like to keep it to myself and in every awarding in our school ‘yong driver lang naming ang aking pinapaakyat sa stage.
Kaya naman hindi ako sigurado sa magiging reaksyon ng aking ama dahil pangalawa lamang ako sa aming klase.
Kung hindi man magiging masaya si papa sa kung anong meron ako ngayon ay tatanggapin ko. I wouldn’t pressure myself to the things that I know I am not capable of. Kung hindi siya sa masaya ay okay sa akin, I don’t want him to be disappointed in me but if he couldn’t be happy with the achievements that I had then it is not my problem anymore, I work hard for it and it was my reward. All that matters to me is I know that I did my best.
Ang kabang aking naramdaman kanina ay unti-unti napalitan ng ginhawa at ngiti sa aking labi nang makita ko ang naging reaksyon ng aking ama. Kung kanina ay seryoso ang kaniyang mukha na ipinakita sa akin ngayon naman ay sumilay na ang ngiti sa kaniyang mga labi.
I couldn’t help but smile also. “Congratulations,” simpleng saad niya na may halong ngiti sa kaniyang labi. My dad isn’t showy when it comes to his feelings but hearing him congratulating me is enough to prove that he’s proud of my achievement.
I am a lucky one because my parents didn’t pressure me on this matter. They would always support me in everything that I do. Ayos na ako do’n. Their presence and making time for me is enough and well appreciated.
Pagkatapos naming kumain ay umakyat na ako sa kwarto ko para magpahinga. At napaisip ako hindi man kami palaging nagkakasama ay ramdam na ramdam ko na mahal nila ako.
My dad isn’t showy to his feelings toward us but deep inside he cared for us.