Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang ginawa kong mali? Did I make a mistake that trigger him to avoid me? Wala naman diba? He must give me a damn reason, why? Bakit biglang gano'n nalang? Gan'to pala talaga 'no? Kahit anong tapang mo... kahit anong lakas mo harapin ang iba... kahit na alam mong matatag ka... once the person you treasure the most leave you manghihina ka pala talaga... guguho pala talaga lahat.
Ang hirap kapag 'yung taong gustong-gusto mo lapitan ay gustong-gusto naman na iwasan ka. Hindi ko kasi alam ang dahilan. Gusto kong sulusyunan but I can't dahil paano? kung unang-una palang ay hindi ko alam ang problema. I want to take a grip on him so he can't leave me again. Leave me with this bullshit situation. He crumpled my heart into pieces and leave me without even saying even a simple word. Wala... iniwan niya nalang ako basta. Hindi kona alam! Ang daya niya! ang daya-daya niya!
Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha. my hands were shaking and even my shoulders were moving because of my crying. I feel my heart slowly breaking down. Ang hirap... nahihirapan na ako... sobrang nahihirapan ako.
He never give me the assurance. Laging... may baka. Ah, baka natatakot lang talaga siya. Ah, baka we need to take it slowly? Baka kailangan niya pa ng oras? Baka kailangan ko lang siya intindihin pa? Baka mayroon? Baka may kahit kaunti? Baka pwede? Umaasa parin ako sa kaniya. Naasa parin ako... dahil 'yun lang talaga ang kaya ko. Kung kailangan niya ng oras, sige! ibibigay ko. Kung gusto niya dahan-dahanin, sige! payag ako but... it's really neccessary to leave me like this? Iniintindi ko naman siya, ha? Naghihintay naman ako kung kailan pwede na pero bakit parang hindi parin sapat? bakit parang hindi parin pwede?
Sobrang nasasaktan na ako, kailangan ba sobra-sobra akong masaktan? I really love him! Mahal ko siya... mahal na mahal ko na siya at... nasasaktan na ako ng sobra.
"You really a flirtatious," someone who appeared no where uttered like she knows everything about me.
Napapikit ako ng makita sa screen ng kaniyang cellphone ang video ko na nakahiga sa couch. I'm spacing out and I didn't know that a stranger was touching and caressing my legs but I was just stunned by the absence as my tears flowed. Nakatulala lang ako sa kawalan. Hindi masyadong madilim kaya kitang-kita ko ang mukha ko. Nakatagilid ang lalaki kaya hindi totally kita ang mukha niya. Napamasahe ako sa aking noo at umayos ng pagkakaupo rito sa couch. We are now in Davies to drown in alcohol. I don't care anymore! I just ignored the video 'tsaka ko na aayusin 'yon kapag naayos kona ang mayro'n sa'min ni Magen.
Shainie chuckled, I know her she is insecure and I'm sure with it. "Ang balita hinahabol-habol mo si Magen. Well, he doesn't want girls wearing a showy clothes if he hit you, he will just flirt with you and then take you to bed after that he will just throw you away like a crumpled paper. Kaya siguro---"
Naramdaman ko agad ang pag-init ng buong sistema ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya.
"Don't open your mouth and stop spreading some gossip about me or better stop breathing! as if you were clean!" I pointed out my finger at them, "'Tsaka n'yo na ako pagchismisan kapag may naiambag na kayo sa buhay ko. Now that you have nothing contribute to my life just shut your mouth up!" I gritted my teeth and closed my fist.
Sunod-sunod ang aking paghinga. I don't know if it was because of the liquor I drank or because of this women who were do nothing else but to meddle in my life! I felt like my blood are all going up at my head. Gusto kong sumabog!
Shainie giggle and rolled her eyes "Look at your clothes!"
She even pointed her finger at me! I crossed my arm, I was stopping my hand to hit her face.
I took a deep breath "It's champagne silk mini dress, Shainie," pagtatama ko. "Oh myghad, Shainie! Wake up! we're at club! Palibhasa hindi bumabagay sa'yo 'yung mga sinusuot mong mga dress. H'wag ka mangialam because I didn't meddle at your life,"
"Let's go, Heart. Don't waste your time for talking to the girls like them," Awat ni Hailey.
She's my cousin, I'm with my other cousins and friends but Hailey is the one who is now at my side. Maybe some of them is minding their own business? Like flirting, drinking and dancing or whatever is it.
She grabbed me by wrist and dragged away. Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagkairita. I looked around, I saw the smoke coming from the cigarettes and the drunk people who's crazy dancing at the dance floor.
I held my head it feels like my world is spinning. I think I drank to much?
"They always like that! Mga pakialamera!" I shouted.
I lifted my head at my cousin. Tinaasan niya lang ako ng kilay bago umupo sa counter high chair.
"Calm down," she sighed "Ayaw mo pa ba umuwi? It's already 2am kanina pa tayong 8 nandito,"
I immediately close my eyes when I remember why we were here.
He's a fucking asshole.
He's a fucking heartless.
He has no right to torture my heart over and over again. This is me! Nothing's going to change... I changed but it was not enough! I wasn't enough and I will never be!
"Let's stay here for a while, Hailey. I didn't want to go home,"
I crossed my legs and smiled at my cousin. Bumuntong hininga siya bago tipid akong nginitian. I knew that she's sleepy but sorry my dear Hailey.
Hailey raised her one finger "One cocktail please," she said.
Napatingin naman ako sa kaniya. Pinatong ko ang siko sa counter katulad ng ginawa niya. She's watching the guy infront of us who's doing her cocktail while me staring at her, I'm so lucky to have her.
"About the guy you're talking about? How is it?" Hailey asked.
She knew I was crazy chasing a man who didn't like me back. Anong magagawa ko? That's my heart decision! My heart didn't let my brain to choose!
My heart is so unfair!
My heart is torture!
I hate my heart!
"Let's not talk about him," I said with a frustration tone.
I love him so much but he has hurt me too much.
She chuckled "So that's it? Kaya pala sunod-sunod ang pag-aaya mo mag-inom for the past days dahil broken ka? Oh! My favorite cousin is broken," she teased.
I rolled my eyes, She let a little chuckled escape again. Broken?
I shook my head and smirked "He's a heartless, Hailey. He's too much.. I like him too much," I smiled at her bitterly.
I touched my chest because I felt like there's a bomb who suddenly exploded. I close my eyes, My world is really spinning!
"Let's go home na itetext ko na lang sila Chave na mauuna na tayo. D'on muna ako sa unit mo mag-iistay," Usal ni Hailey bago ako alalayaan na tumayo.
I opened my eyes because of the loud music that caused the more noise. She stand straight and grabbed me by hands. Pinanood ko siyang tunggain ang cocktail bago ako tuluyan na hilahin.
Paekis-ekis na ang lakad ko, some guys are trying to approached me but Hailey didn't give them a chance and I'm so sleepy na.
I felt Hailey's hand in my arms. I looked at her, She's smiling to the people who suddenly greeting us.
"Mabuti naman sumama ka kay Magen, Phoebe," some random girl said.
I stopped walking.
My heart beats so hard.
My chest feels so heavy.
My world suddenly stopped.
"Of course I will 'tsaka gusto ko rin na mag-inom ngayon," a girl answered.
I turned slowly to see them. I saw his familiar broad shoulder even his back the one I could see I knew it was him.
He's Dawn Magen Villafueno.
Ang sinabi niya ayaw niya sa babaeng nag-iinom. Ang sinabi niya ayaw niya sa babaeng nagpaparty. Ang sinabi niya ayaw niya sa babaeng lantaran kung magsuot ng damit. Why there's exemption? Why the girl with the name Phoebe? Bakit kay Phoebe ay ayos lang?
I begin to struggle to breathe. My heart suddenly beat slows with sadness. I also feel that my shoulder is moving because of sobbed.
I heard Magen chuckled "Oh.. I force her to go with me. She's busy,"
I heard them laughed and giggled but my ear is filled with my pounding chest.
Maybe this is the hardest part? I understand but I can't accept.
I struggled to look at my cousin who suddenly panicked.
"Oh myghad! Why are you crying?" she panicked asked while wipping my tears.
Hindi ko na napigilan na humikbi at tumulo ang luha. It's hurt.. He lied to me just to avoid me.. just to push me away.
I wiped my tears and stopped myself for sobbing "I saw him, Hailey," pag-amin ko. "He's with someone.. He's with some girl.. He's so unfair," I cover my face and sobbed.
Kasi ang sabi niya wala pa siyang oras para sa mga babae. Ang sabi niya ayaw niya pa pero.. bakit? Bakit andaya niya? Bakit ang daya ng mundo?
"Let's go home then," Hailey said and hold me with care in my arms.
I shook my head "Let's stay here.. Let's have fun," I force to smile.
She looked at me to assured how I reacted. I avoided her gaze and started walking toward the dance floor.
I raised my hands and started to jumped. Sa bawat pagtalon ko ay sumasakit ang paa ko dahil sa suot kong heels pero wala ng mas sasakit pa sa nararamdaman ng kawawa kong puso. Sa bawat pagtalon ko sabay-sabay rin ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.
"You're not having fun, Heart!" Hailey stopped me.
Hindi ako nagpapigil sa kaniya. I jumped as I can. This world! this heart! I hate it!
"Heart! Ano ba? Nadugo na 'yung sugat mo sa paa! Stop dancing!" she shouted.
I don't care! Mas masakit pa ang nararamdaman ng puso ko kaysa sa katiting na sugat sa paa ko! I hate it!
My knee was so weak that I was sitting on the floor. I bowed my head and hug my knee. Nagsisimula na naman ang ang paghikbi ko at pagtulo ng luha. Sobrang bigat na ng dibdib ko.
"Stand up, Heart! Baka maapakan ka ng iba!" Hailey stopped.
I shook my head, Apakan nila kung gusto nila! Wala akong pakialam.
"Excuse me?!" some girl shouted.
I lifted my head, The girl is looking at me like I made a biggest mistake.
Nilagay niya ang parehas na kamay sa magkabilang pisnge "Can you stand up and go?! Sasayaw kasi kami but you're making drama!" she shouted.
My blood started to boiled.
I stood up and glare at her.. But I suddenly stepped backward when I saw him.
He stare at me like I killed someone. His intense gaze made my fist close. Sa paraan ng pagtitig niya ay parang kinukurot ang puso ko.
Napatingin ako sa kamay niyang humawak sa braso ng babae. Nagbadya na naman ang luha ko at nanlalabo ang paningin.
I stare at them who suddenly turned around and walked away kasabay ng pagtulo muli ng aking luha.
How can he leave me immediately? He always did it.. Until now?
I'm the one who is always there for him but still not the one chosen.
Ang daya niya parin pala talaga! Napahagulgol akong tumakbo para makalabas sa Davies. I heard that Hailey shouted my name. Mukhang nahirapan siya na sundan ako dahil nasa dance floor siya. Sunod-sunod na nagsibagsakan ang mga luha ko habang pinapanood siya na niyakap si Phoebe.
How.... how can he comfort someone and leave me with a broken heart?
Nanginginig ang kamay kong tinakpan ang aking bibig para pigilan ang malakas na paghikbi. Binuksan niya ang pinto para kay Phoebe and then he just nodded. Mukhang may iba na maghahatid pauwi kay Phoebe. If I'm not mistaken... it's Mint! Magen was about to walk somewhere so I ran towards him and hold his arm. Mas nasaktan ako dahil sa galit niyang titig. Binalya niya ang pagkakahawak ko at sobrang hina kona talaga dahil napaupo ako sa sahig.
I stare at him even my tears are falling on my cheeks. Wala na akong pakialam kung magmukha akong kaawa-awa o tanga. I want to talk to him! Gusto ko malaman kung bakit?!
"M-magen..." my voice cracked as I kneeled down.
"Putangina! Tumayo ka d'yan, Heart! Damn it!" his voice thundered like a loud storm.
I shook my head "K-kausapin mo n-naman ako... n-naguguluhan k-kasi ako at h-hindi ko a-alam---"
"I said! Stand up!" he shouted angrily.
"H-hindi... a-ayos lang. G-gusto---"
Napapikit ako nang suntukin niya ang windshield ng kaniyang sasakyan. The blood coming from his right hand, drifted on the floor like a blood faucet.
"B-blood..." natatarantang bulong ko.
"Tanga kaba?! Heart! Fuck! Tanga kaba talaga? Nilalayuan kita, Heart!" nahihirapan niyang sigaw.
Napahikbi akong tumango-tango. "Oo... a-alam ko, kaya gusto ko m-malaman.." napahinto ako dahil bigla akong pumiyok. "... dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit---"
"Just please---"
"Naiintindihan ko kasi 'yung kay Phoebe pero 'yung iwan mo ako ng walang dahilan ang hindi. I mean, hindi mo naman mahal si Phoebe diba? then why you leave me? bakit mo ba ako iniiwasan? Please... sabihin mo naman para maintindihan ko... para intindihin ko," I begged.
Nakaluhod parin ako sa harapan niya. I was struggling because my knees feels terrible. Masakit...
"Please... stand up," nakapikit na sabi niya na para bang ayaw niya ako makitang ganito.
I stood up and nodded at him Pilit akong ngumiti sa kaniya dahil para sa kaniya. Handa akong itago ang sakit.
"Ipaliwanag mo naman sa akin. Kasi nahihirapan ako. I don't know what's the problem. Ano ba ang mali ko? Tell me and I'll fix all of it without bothering you..." nagsusumamong sabi ko.
He stare at me, hindi ko alam kung namamalikmata ako pero nakita ko na bumakas ng ilang segunda sa mata niya ang kakarampot na pag-aalala.
"Ayaw muna kitang makita, Heart," he whispered and avoided my gaze.
Nakagat ko ang labi ko at tinitigan siya. Parang may kung ano na matulis na bagay ang tinusok sa buong katawan ko na para bang nagpamanhid sa akin.
Ayaw niya ako makita?
"W-why?" nangatog ang boses na tanong ko. "Did I do something bad? Tungkol ba 'to sa lalaki na humipo sa akin? Sorry, hindi ko alam na nangyari 'yon ---"
"Hindi 'yon," galit na pigil niya sa sinasabi ko.
I nodded again "Then why?" desperadang tanong ko. "I want to know," I added.
He rubbed his palm on his face like my questions annoyed him. Hirap na hirap din siya sa sasabihin niya. I know he's struggling... I can see it on his facial expressions.
I stepped forward and hugged him on his waist "M-mahal---"
He pushed me away na nagpagulat sa akin. My eyes widened as I stare at him. Parang sobrang pinandidirian niya ako sa paraan ng pagtulak niya.
Akma siyang maglalakad palayo pero agad ko siyang pinigilan at hinawakan ng mahigpit ang kaniyang braso.
"Damn you, Magen! Explain it to me! I'm hurting! Nasasaktan din naman ako! I'm not numb! Nasasaktan na ako! Nasasaktan na talaga ako! Nasasaktan mo na talaga ako!" naiyak kong sigaw sa kaniya.
Nakita ko kung paano niya pinigilan ang sarili na bumaling sakin. Why Magen?
"Nasaksaktan na kasi talaga ako..." mahinang sambit ko habang patuloy parin ang pag-iyak. "Sobrang nasasaktan na ako..."
Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula ng panibagong bukas kung ganito. I want to him to give me a damn reason. Nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa niya. I heard his dissappointed sigh, tinanggal niya ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso niya at nagsimula muling maglakad.
Nagsimula muli siya na maglakad palayo na para bang hindi ako kahit kailan magiging dahilan para manatili siya. Sa bawat paghakbang niya ay parang nag-iiwan siya ng tinik sa puso ko. Hindi kona alam ang gagawin ko! Nababaliw na ata ako!
"Just give me a reason... to let you go," I mumbled that he surely heard because he stopped walking.
I saw how his fist closed as he face me using his calm but dangerous eyes. Paano ko papalayain ang taong mahal na mahal ko? How? Damnit! It's hard! But... kung ayun lang din naman ang pwede kong gawin ngayon then I'm willing...
I'm willing to let him go...
"Siguraduhin mong ang rason mo ay sapat... para palayain ka," I added.
Kahit mahirap... papalayain kita. Kahit sobrang nakakadurog. Kahit nakakaubos. Ayos lang, para sa'yo. Okay lang... If this is the time to loosen my feelings. I'll face it.
"Ilang buwan tayong naging magkasama, Magen. We have the assurance even we doesn't have the label. You makes me feel special. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit biglang nagbago? Bakit naman parang andaya mo?"
Bakit parang ako lang 'yung nasasaktan? Bakit parang ako lang 'yung kawawa? Can't... can't he feel the sad atmosphere?
"Minahal naman kita ng totoo, Magen. All the love that I have... binigay ko sa'yo. Kahit... kahit na alam kong kahit kapiraso no'n ay walang babalik. Binigay ko parin, Magen. Binigay ko lahat ng pagmamahal! Kahit 'yung pagmamahal na hindi dapat sa'yo ay binigay ko! Ganoon kita kamahal... kahit 'yung d-dapat para sa'kin ay binigay ko parin. Binigay ko lahat!" napatakip ako sa mukha ko habang nahagulgol. " Binigay ko lahat nung pagmamahal! Binigay ko lahat! Walang natira para sa'kin! Ubos ako! Ubos na ubos ako!"
Kaya sino ka para ganituhin ako?! Inubos mo na ako! Kaya sino ka para mas durugin pa ako?!
"Hindi kita kayang mahalin..." naestatwa ako sa salitang binigkas niya.
I felt like my whole world stop. "Bawiin mo... bawiin mo naman, Magen!" galit kong sigaw.
Napahikbi akong tumitig sa kaniya. How can he stare at me like I was a total stranger?! Umiling siya, na para bang sa pag-iling niya ay tinaboy niya ang buong pagkatao ko.
This is it?
"Hindi ko talaga kaya---"
"Shut up!" Sigaw ko. "Shut the hell up!" I shouted loudly!
Tama na! Putangina! Hindi kona kaya marinig sa kaniya 'yung mga salitang kinakatakutan ko! Hindi ko talaga kaya!
"Heart..." tawag niya sa akin na para bang... ayos lang sa kaniya na masaktan ako ng ganito.
"May bago naba?" I bravely asked.
Napahikbi ako ng makita ang malamig niyang titig. Woah! Magen is Magen! Mapanakit parin! Kaya parin ako saktan ng walang sablay!
Umiling siya "Walang bago... dahil siya lang talaga, Heart. Si Phoebe lang talaga,"
"Tangina... ako... ako 'yung kasama mo ng ilang buwan, Magen. Ako 'yon! Kaya paanong siya parin?! Are you insane?! Ano 'yung mga pinapahiwatig mo sa akin?! You give me a damn comfort! You became my comfort zone! We're together kaya..." napatigtig ako sa kaniya. "Kaya paanong siya parin?"
Hindi ko talaga maintindihan! Ako... ako 'yung halos lagi niyang kasama pero bakit si Phoebe parin?
"Laging wala si Phoebe! Do I need too? Kailangan ba mawala rin muna ako para pagbalik ko ako naman?! Kailangan ba hindi ako laging nand'yan para sa'yo?! Kailangan ba... kailangan ba magkatulad k-kami? Para... para ako rin, magustuhan mo?"
Sobrang lakas ng kalabog ng dibdib ko. Wala na akong pakialam sa mga nakikinig sa amin na ibang tao. Ang gusto ko lang... maging ako naman, Magen.
"I realized that I wasted my time just for you. Kahit na alam kong wala namang pag-asa. I don't want to waste it anymore..." he killed me using those words.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang tumingin sa kaniya. I treasured all the times that I'm with him but for him it's a waste of a time?Natahimik ako at bahagyang hindi nakagalaw. It feels like he make my whole body numb using his killer words.
"I realized too... na mukhang hindi ka pala worth it mahalin. Ayaw ko makatanggap na ng pagmamahal galing sa'yo," he looked directly at my eyes using his cold expression. "Pinilit ko naman---"
My brows furrowed "Pinilit?!" I uttered loudly.
He stared at me and nodded. "Yes, pinilit ko naman na mahalin ka,"
"Pinilit mo? Bakit?" kinakabahan kong tanong.
No, Magen. This is very out of the line.
"Kasi naawa ako sa'yo. You're desperate---"
Malakas ko siyang sinampal. Isa... dalawa... tatlo... apat... kaliwa't-kanan. Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko ng titigan siya ng masama. Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ng iilan pero nakatuon lang ang galit kong titig kay Magen. Bakas din ang gulat sa mukha niya pero wala akong pakialam.
"Kahit kailan hindi ko sinabi sa'yo na ipilit mo! I'm a woman and I don't deserve a love na pilit lang! Ang sinabi ko subukan mo! Subukan natin! Hinding-hindi ko sinabi na ipilit mo dahil... hindi ko deserve 'yon!" I took a stepped and pushed him using my index finger. "Bobo ka pala, Magen?" I pushed his chest again, napaatras naman siya habang nakatitig sa akin.
I don't care about his dark stare at me. I'm hurt! He pitied me that's all! I'm a desperate for him!
"Pinilit mo lang? Kasi naaawa ka sa 'kin dahil gusto kita? dahil mahal kita? That's all? Kasi nakakaawa ako? No! Hindi ako ang nakakaawa sa 'ting dalawa dahil mas nakakaawa ka! Nakakaawa ka dahil hindi ka marunong magmahal..."