I think Ben is depressed. He doesn’t say it but he acts it. This whole thing has taken a toll on him. We have three more days before Sunday but there hasn’t been any progress.
The phone call hasn’t come yet. I don’t want to agree with Ben that this was a bad idea but seeing him retreat into a shell I never knew he had makes me question a lot of things. What if I was wrong to encourage him to press charges? Now, look at him.
I poke his side and he looks up. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he replies. We are camped in his room. The tension in the house is still unbearable. My hand slips into his briefs to caress his balls. We have only had sex once since we got to San Francisco. Ben doesn’t flinch. His penis remains asleep. Pulling out my hand, he tries to smile. “What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to turn you on,” I whisper.
More specifically, I’m trying to get him in the mood so we can have sex and forget about everything if only for a few minutes. Ben doesn’t smile at my half-joke, making me feel stupid for voicing it out.
My elbow digs into the pillow, I throw a leg over his waist. His dull eyes bore into mine like he knows my intention. There is no spark in his eyes. Gently, he pushes my leg away and rolls away to create an inch of space between us. He’s close yet so far.
Back to me, he whispers, “I’m tired.”
Tired of what? He hasn’t stepped out of the room. Maddie brings all of our meals upstairs and I take the dishes downstairs when we are done. I hate his mood. I move closer and cuddle him from behind. Ben doesn’t fully relax but he’s less rigid. My lips meet the back of his neck, I slide my arm around his waist and his hand settles over mine. He needs me.
“I think I’m tired too.”
Not the entire truth. I need to get out of the house, take a walk or something. A squeeze of my hand is the only reply I get, minutes later his breathing evens out. I stay there for as long as I can till my arms groan in complaint. Retracting my hands to clasp them behind my head, I stare at the ceiling.
How do you make your boyfriend less moody?
On tiptoes, I exit his room. Asher is in school so I can’t bother him. I stop at the foot of the stairs a little too late, Josef raises his head and our eyes meet. He’s seated on the single couch with the television playing on mute. Given how distracted he was, I doubt he knew the television was on mute.
We stare at each other for a long awkward minute. His mouth opens and I dash to the kitchen before he says anything to change my mind. Josef is partly to blame for what’s happening. If he was more supportive, Benny wouldn’t be so sad.
Ben’s mum is in the kitchen cutting carrots. She offers me a kind smile and I hug her from the side.
“How’s he doing?”
“Fine,” I lie. Maddie sees through the lie but doesn’t say anything. “What are you cooking?”
“Rice with some vegetables in them.” She stops chopping to show me the green peas and peppers by the side. “It’s Benny’s favourite.”
The smile that follows her words is too sad. It makes me wonder how she feels about the whole thing. So far, she has carried herself with dignity and Ben has not spoken a bad word against her.
Opening the lid of the pot of boiling water, she empties a bowl of rice into it and resumes cutting.
“I think you should leave the house for a bit,” she says. I agree. It will be good for Ben. “Take a walk, get a breather. You have been indoors too long.”
“Benny is asleep.” I turn on the tap and rinse the green peas so she can start chopping them. She adds more water to the rice, stirs it for a bit and begins cutting the peas. “I can’t leave him all by himself.”
Maddie laughs. “You talk as if he’s alone. I’m not going anywhere. Go out for a walk. You need it.”
Maybe she’s right. I head back to the parlour. Josef is still there. He should be at work but here he is, making me nervous with his silent presence. It will only be more awkward between us if I walk out without a word to him.
“Hi,” I say. Fiddling with the hem of my shirt to gather courage, I fake a smile. “I’m going out.”
Josef reaches into his pocket for something and pulls out a bunch of keys. Face taut, he stretches the bunch to me. “You can use my car. It’s outside.”
I don’t want to use his car. He’s the enemy. I also don’t know how to refuse it so I shuffle towards him and collect it. “Thanks.”
My steps falter in front of the door when he calls out to me. “Tessa.” I don’t turn. My hand closes around the knob without twisting it. “How’s he? I’ve been meaning to ask.”
“He’s doing perfectly fine,” I answer with my gaze fixed on the door. I don’t wait for his next question. I wrench the door open and slam it harder than I intend to.
My breath comes out in heavy pants, I swipe my hands over my shirt and march to Josef’s car. I kick the front tire once, twice till I’m raining kicks on it.
Why did he have to give birth to someone evil and name her after me? Why can’t he talk to Ben himself?
The kicks work at easing my temper, I slide into the car and clench the steering till the anger is largely out of my body. The interior is even more beautiful. I run my fingers over the dashboard, the steering.
What if I crash it? Ben will lose his shit.
I start the car without a destination in mind. Ben likes ice-cream, I can get some for him. I take the turn leading to the main road and make another turn by the left. It doesn’t shock me so much when the building of Broadway Heights comes into view. I continue up the path till I’m inside the school and parked in the garage. What the hell am I doing here?
It’s ten minutes till the lunch break is over so I wait with no idea what I’m waiting for. I bring out my phone and send a text to Ben. There’s no reply but I type up another cheesy message.
Me: I’m happy I woke up next to you.
Me: My love for you is like an exponent. It’s always going up.
Laughter escapes me as I reread the last message. In calculus, we learned about exponents and the graphical representation shows that the exponent is always ascending. My love for Ben is like that, it’s on an upward slope heading to infinity. I can only hope he remembers how much I love him even when he’s feeling down.
Someone taps on the window at the same time the faint echo of the bell reaches my ear. I tense, then hit the button for the window to roll down. Olivia waves like I am a fellow cheerleader and I respond with a scowl.
We are not friends.
“Didn’t know you were coming,” she says. She still looks pretty but with less makeup.
“Didn’t know I was coming,” I snap. Annoyance zips through me at her subtle glances inside the car. “Ben is not here.” She offers me a grim smile. Yeah, caught in the act. “What do you want?”
“Nothing.” She straightens up and curls a strand of hair around her pinky finger. “Saw the car...”
“And thought it was Ben,” I finish for her.
“Pretty much,” she says. As always, she’s not contrite. It annoys me now more than ever that I allowed her to get away with so many things. She cannot do much without her minions. The only real power she had over me was her words. Words she used to chip at my insecurities till I believed them. “How have you been? How’s your new school?”
“Can you stop? Ben is not here so you don’t have to pretend.” Taken back by my outburst, she steps back but doesn’t get far away due to the car beside mine.
“I am not pretending.”
And pigs can fly.
“Did you ever feel bad for putting up that video?” I blurt out. I guess I have always wanted to ask her but I never got the chance to do so. We never spoke about it but I know Ben is still convinced she didn’t do it. “I mean, somewhere in your black heart, there has to be a part of you that realises you fucked up with that one. We used to be so close, Olivia.”
“I didn’t put up the video.”
I punch the steering and the horn goes off. “Shut up. Shut up, okay? Stop lying.” It has been over two months. She needs to own up to her sins. Glaring daggers at her, I wrap my hand around the steering because if I don’t, I might punch her. We don’t need any more drama in our lives. “I know life treated you badly but what the fuck is wrong with you?”
A tear drops to her cheek. “I didn’t put up the video. Noah did.” Liar. Big, fat lies. She releases a shaky breath and wraps her arms around her belly. “Zoey and Charlotte knew but they didn’t say anything.”
“Maybe they have hated your guts for so long and were glad to see you take the heat.” Olivia shrugs. The air of pride that hangs over her head seems to have been replaced with an unfamiliar vulnerability. My eyes lower to my lap and I whisper, “I’m sorry for what happened with your mother’s boyfriend.”
Wiping the tears that make an appearance, she says, “I’m sorry too. I know you told your mum.” It’s my turn to shrug. If something is wrong in my life and Ben can’t help me, my mum is the first person I will talk to. “Thanks, I guess.” Laughter trickles out of my lips. This is weird. “I’m sorry I was an ass to you.”
“Yeah. You’re an asshole. A pretty asshole.” Olivia laughs so hard she snorts and I smile sadly. We could have been the three musketeers. Me, her and Maria. Things will never be the same between us. We will never be friends but we will no longer be enemies. “How do you Noah put up the video?”
“It was easy to figure out after you left,” she says. Some part of me is glad she found out after my departure. “There were only four of us there that day and he’s the only one with access to my phone.”
“Did you tell Ben?” Shaking her head, she retrieves a handkerchief and compact mirror from her mini backpack to touch up her eye makeup. I smile. She’s still so bothered about her appearance. “Why not?”
“There was no need.” There was every need. Or not. Her words sink in deeper. Ben was right all along. Olivia didn’t put up the video. Surprisingly, I don’t feel bad for hitting her. I only feel bad for hitting her over the wrong thing. “The deed has been done. Noah was suspended anyway, so it’s fine.”
“I guess.” We exchange a glance. It’s weird but this whole meeting and conversation has been weird. I believe she kept the information about Noah to herself as a form of atonement. I am no longer mad at her. I don’t care anymore. ”I… I have to go.”
I think she wants to say something but when her mouth opens, she says, “Bye, Tessa.”
“Bye, Olivia.”
She continues waving till I am out of sight. I drive to the ice-cream spot with a smile on my face.