BEN
I wake up alone. Gracie left me. My heart skips at the thought. She couldn’t have left me at this point, right? I put on the nearest item of clothing next to me and rush to the door. Wait. I turn slowly. Her bags are still here. My legs remember how to function, I grab my phone and start for the door again. There are three messages from her. All of them are from two hours ago.
A relieved sound breaks free from my lips and I slide down the door. Gracie didn’t leave me. She won’t leave me. We will be together forever.
The pad of my thumb runs over her last message and a smile falls on my lips. My love for her is more than an exponent and it multiplies daily.
A crash downstairs stops me from composing a reply to Gracie. I open the door and the source of the noise becomes clearer. Mum and Josef.
This is the first time they are raising their voices at each other since the day Asher questioned them. They haven’t argued since but things have been awkward. It’s why me and Gracie stay indoors.
I take slow steps downstairs to avoid alerting them of my presence. Mum is glaring at Josef. He is staring down at her with the same amount of annoyance. I haven’t seen them this way before and it scares me. I don’t want them to break up.
“You need to do better,” Mum screams at him. I wince. If she’s raising her voice, then it’s bad. For some reason, I don’t move an inch. Maybe they are arguing about something else, not my case. I doubt I will ever recover if they break up. “I can’t do this.”
My hands clench. I take a silent step forward. She can’t do what? She can’t leave him. Asher will be broken. I might have hated them together before but I can’t bear to see them as anything but a couple.
“Yes, you can, love.” It’s sweet of him to have a pet name for Mum. Mum must think so because a smile flashes across her face. “I’m not angry at Benjamin. Don’t you get it? I’m angry at myself. Where did I go wrong as a parent for her to turn out that way?”
Mum never gets a chance to reply. I step out of the shadows. “Please don’t fight again. Asher doesn’t like it. I don’t like it.” Josef runs his hand over his scalp, masking his surprise at my presence. “I don’t think both of you like it and you look better when you’re smiling at each other instead of frowning like you’re doing now. So, please don’t fight again.”
None of them speak for a minute or two, then Mum moves. “Oh, Benny. We are not fighting. Well…” She glares at Josef and picks up the bouquet on the table. “Josef is trying to bribe me with flowers.”
“It was not a bribe,” Josef protests. “We were talking.” He is right behind Mum, trying to draw her in for a hug but she slaps his arm. “Maddie, please.”
Josef throws me a pleading look. I am tired of their fight. “Mum, please let him hug you.” She scowls but allows him to pull her into his arms. Before they start kissing, I murmur, “I’ll be in my room.”
Footsteps follow behind me, I look behind to see Josef tailing after me. We are both quiet as we enter my room. Asher was moved into another room because of Gracie. The room seems to shrink in size due to his presence, I shove my hands into my pockets without an idea how to strike a conversation with him.
“Can we talk?” Josef says.
I sit first. He sits beside me and the bed sinks with his weight. “You’re doing the right thing.” Oh. I am? I steal a peek at him, he offers me a tight smile and nods. “It’s hard. I know it’s harder on you and I should have been there from the start. That’s why your mum is so mad at me. I need to do better.”
“It’s okay,” I hear myself say. But I’m not sure it’s really okay. I do know for sure that if I am on good terms with him, Mum will be happier. “It’s fine.”
Josef reaches for me but drops his hand. “No, it is not. I got cold feet for a bit,” he says with a forced laugh. “But I should have done right by you, Ben.” Propping his elbows on his knees, his body sags as he rubs the back of his hand against his eyes. He sighs again. “As a parent, you wonder what you did wrong and what you could have done better.” His smile is sad. I don’t want to imagine that scenario. “None of these is your fault. It’s all her, only her.”
I don’t know how long I have waited to hear that line from him but his words heal a part of me.
It’s not my fault. It was never my fault.
Paedophiles will always be paedophiles. I nudge Josef’s ribs with my elbow and he chuckles. For us, that’s enough. We don’t need hugs and long talks.
“The trial is tomorrow,” he says after a long while. I look up but he’s not looking at me. His nails are deep into his knees to the point of leaving marks. “She will be there. She has to be there. I’m sorry.”
It’s exhausting to have people apologise over and over again for a sin they didn’t commit when the real culprit isn’t remorseful. “It’s cool. It’s okay.”
It’s not okay. Nothing has been okay since I agreed to do this. But for the sake of others that will be saved from her, it’s much more worthwhile. I pat Josef’s shoulders in an odd show of solidarity. It’s not his fault either. It’s all hers.
“Will you prefer a private trial?”
Absolutely. Left to me, I want everything to start and end the same day. “Yes.” He nods to show he heard. “Will Gracie be allowed? I need her there.”
“I’ll have to find out from the lawyer.”
If Gracie is not there, I’m not sure I can go through with it but I murmur a small, “Okay.”
Rising to his feet, he claps my back. “I’m proud of you for doing this. You’re not alone.”
I. Am. Not. Alone.
“Thanks.”
The door closes behind him and my thoughts sweep in. I feel alone. The downside of being in love with someone is the meaninglessness your life seems to take on without their presence. Where’s my Gracie? I dial her number but she doesn’t pick. I miss her.
Someone knocks. It can’t be Gracie. She doesn’t knock. The door opens before I usher the person in. My heart relaxes at her entrance. Everything falls into perfect place and I smile brightly. My Gracie.
I open my arms for a hug but she heads to the dresser to drop the bags and tray in her hand first, then jumps into my arms, causing both of us to fall to the bed. Her giggles are a melody I want to listen to forever, I roll her under me and kiss her nose.
“Howdy?”
Her hand slides up my cheek and her eyes crinkle. “I’m okay. Benny.” She chews on her lips, her gaze locks onto mine. “How are you? Really. Don’t lie.”
It will be a sin to lie to her but I don’t want to worry her either. I sit in the centre of the bed and pull her up. She mimics my position so we are facing each other. I preferred it when she was giggling, excited to be back in my arms. Now, she looks worried.
“Not so sad,” I tell her.
“Me too.” I purse my lips. She circles a spot in the space between us, refusing to meet my gaze. “When you’re sad, I’m sad too.” My chest puffs and a ghost of a smile flies across my face. She bridges half the gap and palms my knees. “I don’t want you to forget that you have me and I’m always here for you.”
“Okay.”
“When you’re sad, I’m sad,” she whispers. I cover the rest of the distance and wrap her in a tight hug. I don’t want her to be sad. Life is already sad. “When you’re happy, I’m happy. I want you to be happy, Benny. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, everything will be okay. I will always love you.”
“I’ll always love you too, babe.” I force the negative thoughts into my mind’s archive. The past two days have seen my mood go from bad to worse but we are okay. I have to be okay for her. It’s not about me alone, it’s about us. “Where did you go? I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” she replies. “I went to get you ice-cream.” Laughter catches in my throat. She plugs my nose and I tickle her. Ice-cream works on her when she’s in a mood. As for me, her presence is enough. I pinch her cheeks. “I bought fries for both of us but you can still have some of mine.”
Fries work too. It was the only thing my dad could make successfully without asking Mum’s help. The fries taste better when I’m stealing from her plate. I kiss her while she is still talking, she breaks the kiss to flick a finger over my nose, then resumes the kiss. Smiling, she brings the tray and arranges the snacks on it. I pick the bowl of ice-cream and open it.
“Guess where I went? Benny, please guess.” I don’t want to think too much about it so I shrug. Gracie’s lips part to scold me but I push the spoonful of ice-cream into her mouth. A satisfied moan escapes her. “I was at Broadway Heights. Our former school.” She says the last part with a smile. “I saw Olivia.”
My arm drops and some of the ice-cream splatters to the bedsheet. She wipes the stain and returns the spoon to me. I scan her face for any sign but she’s cool. Almost too cool about it.
“Nice,” I say out of habit.
“Yeah. We kind of talked. She’s not so bad.”
“I told you.” She snickers, opening her mouth for more ice-cream. I don’t mention the fact that she’s taking all of my ice-cream. In truth, I don’t mind. “What did you two talk about? You approached her?”
Their interactions haven’t been the best since the fight. Olivia never mentions Gracie in our chats and I am fine with that. Her shoulders rotate carelessly. I toss the cup of ice-cream and open the bowl of ketchup for my fries. There’s chicken wings too.
“No, I didn’t. It just happened. We talked about stuff. She didn’t post the video.” It’s not news to me but to her, it is. Looking contrite, she bites her lips. I place a kiss on her lips and take a big bite of my chicken. I’m famished. “Sorry I didn’t believe you.”
“It’s okay.” It’s in the past and I don’t care so much about it. I have her and she has me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Joining me to eat, she feeds me at intervals. “What did you do in my absence?”
Her absence. I don’t like those words. I tell her about the talk with Josef, she agrees with me about having a private trial. The meal finishes quickly with my huge appetite and I’m left staring at the empty packs.
Gracie yawns and leans back, resting against the headboard while rubbing her hands over her belly. It never grows in size no matter how much she eats.
“I think I’m tired.”
“I think so too,” I reply, shooting up to my feet to dispose of the wraps. “Do you want to cuddle?”
“Yeah.”
“Skin to skin or clothes?”
Her shirt comes off, her bra is next. She winks. “Skin to skin.”