The walk inside is the slowest of my life. Maddie opens the door to the room the trial will hold. Josef walks in first, Maddie goes behind him. I expect Ben to follow suit so we can get out of here sooner than later but he stops moving. From here, I catch a blurry view of the people inside. I think he did too.
I snap my fingers in Ben’s face, trying to force him back to the reality where I exist. He shakes his head and stares right through me like I am translucent.
Balling his hands by his sides, his face turns white as a sheet and I take two involuntary steps back. Every effort to draw him back to the present fails. His parents notice the delay and Maddie is beside me in a second. Josef blocks his view of the people inside the hall while I try to get Ben to breathe.
“Benny,” I whisper, “look at me.” It takes some seconds but his eyes lower to mine. He blinks and a fond familiarity seeps into his expression, chasing away the blankness formerly present. Ben hugs me tight and I stroke his hair while saying, “It’s okay.”
I slip my hand into his, waiting for a sign from him for us to proceed. He finally turns to me with a grin. It’s fake but it’s his way of saying we can go inside.
“I will be here, okay?” I tell him. “And I love you.” Another nod comes from him, I palm his face and place a kiss on his forehead. “We are going in now.”
“Okay,” he answers. “I love you too.”
We cover the distance inside in three short strides.
The round table is occupied by three people with the exception of us and Ben’s lawyer. There’s a man in black suit and a skinny woman on one side of the table. One look at her and I know she’s related to Josef. They have the same eyes and nose. I hate her.
A burly man sits at the head of the table. He is supposed to preside over this trial. Ben sinks into one of the seats between me and his mother. Josef sits beside Maddie with the lawyer by his right.
The man leading the trial introduces himself as Martins, Ben’s lawyer follows with an introduction. There is a murmur in the hall, then a deathly silence.
An unholy feeling of anger consumes me when Theresa’s lawyer stands and my hand wraps around the table water set in front of me. How can anyone in their right frame of mind defend a paedophile?
How is that okay?
Ben doesn’t look up when he introduces himself, his nails are deep into the knees of his jeans. I slide my hand to his and he gives it a small squeeze. My head raises when I feel a pair of eyes on me. It’s her.
She is a mistake. A fake.
She doesn’t deserve my name.
She doesn’t deserve to be called Theresa.
I mouth the word, “Bitch,” to her and the slight twitch of her lips slightly calms the anger burning in me.
Martins declares the trial open. I sit straighter when Ben is asked to confirm everything his lawyer said.
He doesn’t reply. I open up his sweaty palm to trace the lines on them. I need my Benny back. This trial won’t be effective if he doesn’t answer. I understand his need to be quiet and if I could, I would speak on his behalf. But sadly, it doesn’t work that way.
Aware we have an audience watching and waiting for him, I squeeze Ben’s knee. He finally looks up.
“Yes. She violated me,” he answers. His head dips and his shoulders sag in resignation. We wait and wait for him to say more but he doesn’t.
Martins asks, “Is that it?”
Theresa counters him with, “Your honour, that never happened. He made that story up. Kids do that all the time. I used to work as an elementary school teacher. We have kids coming up with stories.”
Something in my chest shifts.
It happens so fast. So fast for me to think it through or for the guard at the door to stop me. I snatch the bottle of water and slap her across the face with it.
But it’s not enough. It will never compare to the pain and trauma she caused my boyfriend.
Someone screams for the guard but my arms are moving faster than it did when I hit Olivia. I am pulling Theresa’s hair, yanking it out from the root.
I don’t want her to forget so the next time she looks at a kid inappropriately, she will remember today.
A strong arm wraps around my belly and someone pulls me off her. I struggle in their grip, punching and kicking the air but she dodges my flying arms and legs. I fucked up. I should have punched her.
Before I am whisked away, I catch the blood trailing down Theresa’s forehead. Good for her. She’s not so powerful now, eh? All she is good for is molesting little boys who are too weak to fight for themselves.
I am forced out of my anger-induced haze when the guard drops me on my butt outside. I shoot to my feet and dust myself. He blocks my path, standing at ease with his hands folded in front of him. I make to bypass him but he pulls me back like I am a doll.
Okay. What the fuck is wrong with this dude?
Maddie rushes towards us. She’s still in a state of shock. I might have been surprised too if I had watched myself. Her facial expression pushes tears to my eyes, she runs her hand over her forehead and lets out a soft breath. The guard steps back to give us privacy and I contemplate running back inside.
“Don’t even think about it,” the guard states.
I flip him the bird sign but he doesn’t spare me a glance. Maddie massages my shoulders, her lips curl in a smile like she is sifting through her words.
“That was a good one,” Maddie whispers and for a second, everything is okay as we grin at each other like two best friends. Our interaction is short-lived, her shoulders slump. “They won’t let you in.”
“Benny needs me.” Her lips disappear into a line. I look to the guard. “Please.” But he is staring straight ahead like the walls hold something of interest. “What if it was you? And you saw the person who molested your kid? Would you just sit down there?” His brows twitch, but his fingers remain curled around his belt loops. Fuck him. “He needs me!”
I hate all these people, especially this guard. I don’t care if he’s doing his job but Ben needs me now.
Maddie walks up to the guard, she says something in hush tones but his face remains stoic. She returns to me with a sad smile. “I have to go.” I unhook the necklace I got for my birthday. Even if I’m not there, I’ll still be with him. “We will see what we can do, okay? This will be sorted out in no time.”
She is lying. It won’t be sorted out anytime soon. I was banned from coming in because I attacked the defendant. Oh, my God. I will miss the whole trial.
A sob lodges in my throat and eventually tunnels out of my lips when Maddie leaves. I wrap my arms around myself and try to keep the tears in check.
I fucked up.
I should have kept my temper in check. Now, I’m breaking my promise to Ben. I am a horrible girlfriend.
The guard nudges my shoulder. I hurriedly wipe my tears with the hem of my sleeves and glare at him. It is his fault too. It is everyone but Ben’s fault.
“I’m sorry I can’t let you go in,” he says. He can choke on his apology. My gaze flickers to his gun pouch and the thoughts that infiltrate my mind forces me to take a step back. “But you can watch.”
Hope lights up my eyes. “How?”
He starts towards the direction we came out from earlier. Our footsteps bounce off the walls in loud thumps, I try to tiptoe but there is no difference. The guard stops inches away from the door and places a finger against his lips as a signal for me to be quiet.
I will be quiet. I will be anything as long as I can be a part of the trial. Instead of walking to the door, he makes a detour I never noticed to the left. He opens the door to a cubicle, which has only a high stool, a table and a short window that allows a view of the trial room. Without a word to me, he steps out of the cubicle and I climb on the stool to get a better view.
Ben’s hands are clenched on the table, his knuckles have gone white. Josef is talking. Maddie is talking. Martins looks bored. Theresa has a bandaid on her forehead. A grim sense of pride flickers through me. I should have done more damage to the she-devil.
The trial continues for minutes, maybe hours. From their wild gestures, it doesn’t seem to be going well. Martins raises his hand and everyone stops talking. He gives a curt nod to both lawyers and leaves the hall. Theresa and her lawyer follow behind him.
I sneak out of the cubicle so I can get to Ben but his parents are already outside the trial room. Maddie sees me first and hugs me, Josef too. They are both detached with melancholy hanging over them like a cloud. Ben joins them with my necklace hanging from his wrist. His eyes meet mine and he pauses.
To my shock, he starts walking ahead of all of us, away from me. Wait, what? I jog after him but he’s walking too fast for me to catch up to him.
Ben walks past Josef’s car. My heart beats painfully fast the further his feet move. My lungs scream for air but I don’t stop walking to catch my breath.
“Ben,” I yell at his back. “Benny.” He stops. Panting, I bridge the gap and place a hand on his shoulder. Emotions swirl in his eyes, none of them positive. I choke on a sob and pull him forcefully into my embrace. “Benny. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
His arms don’t wrap around me. He is stiff. The only thing he says is, “You left me.”