The hall is sectioned into rows with chairs clumped together on each side of the wide gap at the centre, the tall windows provide natural light that casts shadows on the floor. Parents file in quietly, I occupy the seat beside El, she stiffens but relaxes seconds later. The PTA president moves to the podium, after a brief introduction, she switches to the reason for the meeting. I try and fail to pay attention, eventually tuning her out. How can I not?
My beautiful wife is by my side, not scowling or frowning at me, just seated with a ghost of a smile on her lips. It almost feels like old times, only that I would have held her hand. Without thinking, I lace our fingers, stifling the urge to laugh at the deadly glare she shoots me. Elna is always civil to me in public, almost nice and this place counts as one, I will be stupid to miss my chance of touching her again.
She twists her arm in an attempt to pull out of my grasp but I only tighten my hold on her, avoiding her gaze when her head turns slowly to me in a wordless warning. She is not getting away from me. Bless my girls for this ingenious plan, they are getting whatever they want. Wyn can have all the chocolate cake she desires, Bren can play with my beards. They can stay up all night on Friday and Saturday.
“Brandon,” she whispers. I close my eyes, falling in love with the sound of her voice all over again. “Keep your hand to yourself.” She ends her statement with a smile that might have fooled anyone watching us, so I decide to play along. Bringing our intertwined hands to my mouth, I litter kisses on her knuckles. She stops moving, I fear I might have fucked up until she speaks again. “You’re distracting me.” Good, I hope I distract her into saying yes to having breakfast with me. “Stop doing that, Brandon. Pay attention.”
“You are already doing that for us, wifey,” I reply. She doesn’t spare me another glance, my head dips and my nose brushes her ear. I want to flick my tongue over her earlobe to confirm if it’s still one of her weak spots. Knowing she will hate the looks it might earn us stops me from indulging in my whims, I whisper, “Pay attention for the both of us.” She shivers, casting me one longing glance that’s quickly replaced with annoyance and I release her hand to adjust my suit pants. I want her too, she doesn’t have to hide it. Her vanilla scent tickles my nostrils, reminding me of things from long ago. “You smell nice.”
The compliment goes unanswered, I squeeze my knees each time I’m tempted to hold her or touch the smooth skin of her legs. The rest of the meeting passes in a blur, it ends faster than I hoped it would. My heart misses a beat when Elna stands without a word to me. She’s leaving. I am not sure why I remain seated seconds after she leaves to exchange pleasantries with some of the loud parents and the PTA president but I wait. I have to. The once quiet hall turns into an arena of greetings, my eyes never leave my wife who is a flurry of grace as she moves from one end of the room to chat with her friends.
She is avoiding me but I am going nowhere until we talk, even if it’s only for five minutes, that fiasco with T must end. A parent comes to occupy El’s seat, I send Elna a pitiful look but she doesn’t save me.
“Hi,” the young lady starts. I offer her a polite smile. “Are you the twins’ father? Brenwyn and Branwyn?” I nod, she smiles so much the corners of her lips crinkle. “They are best friends with my girl, Annie.”
Annie’s mum twirls a strand of her blond hair which reminds me of Sophia, we haven’t spoken in ages. I am terrible at keeping in touch except it’s Elna. Her blue eyes barely meet mine, a shy smile graces her lips and I am lost for words. Can this be considered flirting? Why is El still not here? I swipe my hands over my trouser, she pops out of her seat when I remain quiet. I am not sure what exactly to say to her, I didn’t even know the twins have best friends. I have always assumed they were each other’s best friend.
“Thank you for coming,” she says quietly.
“I am only doing my duty,” I manage to say but she’s out of my sight before the words leave my mouth. She joins El who is talking to the president, they glance my way and share a laugh. I shrink in my seat.
Taking it as my cue to leave, I stand. An odd feeling spreads through my chest as I take the first step towards the door, I have no idea what I expected but each time we meet, I am more disappointed. I lose hope of us getting back together. Footsteps echo behind me, I don’t care to turn around. If El wanted to speak to me, she would have done that before I left. What was that all about? The scene with Annie’s mum. Do they sit and talk about me and how much of an ass I am? Or how much she enjoys T’s kisses?
The clearing of a throat stops me in my tracks, El comes to stand in front of me. She doesn’t meet my gaze, I shove my hands into my pockets, slightly annoyed at her and myself. I count to three before coughing. If she doesn’t have anything to say, I’d like to take my leave. At least my office wants me.
“Thank you for coming,” she says. I shouldn’t be thanked for doing my job, they are our kids, my girls. I raise a brow when she doesn’t step aside. She finally looks at me with a smile and a funny feeling settles in my guts. I love it when she smiles at me. “It means a lot to them. They’ve always wanted you here.”
“I’ll try to be at the next one,” I say. Nobody says another word, we stare at each other for seconds too long to count, safe in a bubble of ours. Her stomach rumbles, my eyes dart to the hand she places over it. The hand that was all over T a few days back but I choose to focus on the present, I can’t change the past. “Do you want to go get breakfast?” She blinks. “I will keep my hands to myself. I promise.”
Unlike her, I keep my promise but I don’t say that out loud. Her hair falls over her face as she shakes her head, she tucks strands of it behind her ear. Still avoiding my gaze, she says, “Maybe some other time.”
“Some other time like when?” I press on.
She purses her lips, sending me a helpless look as if to say stop asking. “Brandon...”
“Don’t,” I let out in a harsh whisper. She rolls her lip between her teeth, I lick my lips. If she doesn’t stop doing that, I might kiss her against her wishes, I might do more than kissing and I am trying to get in her good book. “Some other time like when, El?” She shrugs, I sigh. I won’t give up. “We can still be friends.”
“We can never be friends, you know that.” My fingers sink into my scalp, she might be right about that but I will take that if it means being close to her again. I release a ragged breath, she steps closer and I notice the dark circles hidden beneath the layer of foundation. What’s keeping her up at night? Is it the business? I already sorted that out. “Friends don’t look at each other the way you look at me, Brandon.”
“Because I want more from you. I want more than friendship,” I let out in a pathetic voice, “but I’m willing to take the little you offer.” She drags one foot behind, an uncertain look creeps into her eyes and she tucks a strand of hair I will so much love to play with behind her ear. “I am seeing a therapist.”
Her gaze meets the floor again, I run a hand through my face in frustration. “Good for you.”
A moment of silence passes, a resigned sigh leaves me. I haven’t taken a second look at the card Joshua slipped me, I don’t need a fucking therapist. “You’re making this hard. You keep pushing me away, why can’t we try to be friends? For the kids sake. It’s unfair that they have to suffer for what they didn’t do.”
She gasps, her hand goes over her mouth but I don’t back down. That was way below the belt but I am running out of options. She is guarding her heart against me and I don’t want that anymore, she already has mine, I want hers too. El offers me a sad smile and palms my face, I cover her hands with mine.
I want my wife back but her words convince me she doesn’t want me back. “I appreciate you coming today,” she says in an unsteady voice, “but we can’t be friends. Our arrangement works just fine as it is.”
“For you, not me.” My voice lowers to a whisper, I murmur, “It has never worked for me, you know this more than anyone. Wifey. Baby.” Guilt crosses her face, she retracts her hands. “You promised me, El.”
She starts shaking her head but I need her to hear the promises—lies she told me all those months ago. She made me share my burdens only to turn her back on me. That’s cruel but I can forgive it if she takes me back to love me like she has always done. I need her like I need to breathe. We need her.
“You promised to love me no matter what happens, you told me to trust you and I did.” It is no surprise I still remember her words, I never forgot them. No one ever made me feel as wanted as she did. A tear drops to her cheek, she wipes it. “Please don’t do this to me. Wifey, it hurts too much to be away from you.” I might as well have been talking to a wall, she doesn’t speak. I am willing to beg, grovel at her feet but her lips remain sealed and a wave of fatigue hits me. “Do you even still love me? Do you care?”
“El!”
Our eyes snap in the direction of the voice, irritation mars my features and I ball my hands into a fist. I force myself to return Annie’s mum smile but in the end it comes off as a scowl I hope intimidates her. If she didn’t have chips in place of brain, she would have known better than to interrupt our conversation.
“I have to go,” El says, looking too relieved by her friend’s call. “My attention is needed.”
“El.” She takes a step away from me. “Elna.” She takes another step, then another until she is gone.