“Long time, no see, Mister Stark,” Ava says once I’m seated across from her. Her greeting rubs me the wrong way, my head whips to her face and my fingers dig into the armrest. She realises her mistake when I don’t return her sheepish grin, her smile fades. “My bad, Brandon. Long time no see, Mister Brandon.”
“Yeah.” I can go on to give a silly excuse for missing the appointments but I keep mute.
Ava lets us sit in silence for a bit as if she’s giving me a chance to gather my thoughts. My eyes roam the place, taking in the details I missed the last time. The low centre table holds nothing except for a Rubik’s cube and a pencil. Since I’m not comfortable with her taking notes, she might use her recorder. My eyes flit to the walls. There are four framed pictures hanging from the wall, each poster displaying a quote that emphasizes kindness to oneself and the big importance of forgiveness—forgiving yourself and others.
I snort, Ava levels me a cautious look and I shrug.
Forgiveness. It is so easy for everyone to throw that word around when in actual sense, no one truly forgives. Elna didn’t forgive me, not like it was her right to begin with, it wasn’t even a sin committed against her. I didn’t forgive her either. I don’t think I can, not sure I will. If I had forgiven her, how would I have gotten that satisfaction from sending that video? A familiar thrill shoots up my spine, drowning the guilt that should have followed. Between revenge and forgiveness, I’ll willingly go with the former.
“How have you been?” she asks.
The cowries are missing from her locks, she crosses her legs and waits patiently for my reply. A part of me wonders what Ava is like when upset, that is, if she ever gets upset and I am tempted to find out but the bigger part of me wants to share my problems with someone else. Someone I know for sure will not judge me. I splay my fingers on my thighs, eyeing my manicured nails with a half-smile. Joshua promised not to judge but I don’t think that is possible in a situation where the people he loves most are involved.
“Not bad.” Her lips press into a thin line, she wants more information than I am willing to offer. “Not so good either.” Weaving my fingers through my beard, I tug on the bushy mess. “I think I fucked up.” Her composure doesn’t crack but I am certain she heard me. The girls asked to see their mother today, it was bound to happen. Their break ends this week, they will have to return to the mansion, I will have to face El at some point. Man, it sucks. Picking the Rubik’s cube, I start playing. “Ava, I fucked up really bad.”
I hear a click, followed by a soft thud. My gaze lowers to the stool beside her plush sofa, there is a small recorder with a blinking red light to show it’s on record mode. I stare at the light until it blurs and the memories from that evening rushes over me. I close my eyes, exhale. Sophia’s hurt, El’s reaction, was it worth it? Sophia’s last words ring in my head. How can I fix myself, how can I fix what’s already broken?
We share a glance, her fingers still on her thighs and she asks, “What did you do?”
The stupid thing with revenge is: it gives a momentarily satisfaction that blinds you to the consequences of your action until you are done executing it. Then all that’s left is regret, lots of what-ifs and self-hate. I finish the puzzle, smile at the outcome. Good thing my brain still functions beyond the need for revenge.
“Brandon, what did you do?” Ava is soft-spoken like El, there’s a delicate rigidity in her voice. “Brandon?”
“What did I not do?” I ask. Her lips quirk, I must be one of those annoying clients who spends half of the session irritating their therapist. I am not sure what to say, how to tell another person I sent my wife a video of me throat-fucking some other woman and bathing her face with my cum. “Brianna is sick, very sick. She has been for a very long time, too long if you ask me,” I mutter with a small laugh, she smiles.
“Brianna is your daughter?”
“Yes.” I kick off my shoes, my socked feet come into view and I rotate my ankles. “I... She’s in a coma,” I whisper. Ava’s eyes widen but she regains her composure quickly. I wait for the expected fake sympathy that always follows statements like mine but it doesn’t. “Yeah. And she knew...” The words tumble out of my lips, I tell her about the accident, keeping the details to myself. I don’t stop talking until my heart is empty. I palm my knees, shake my head slowly. “She said she was trying to protect me. Both of them.” A dry laughter escapes my throat, my heart clenches. “I’ve waited ten long years and she does this to me.”
“From what?” I look up. “She was trying to protect you?” I nod. “From what?” I have asked myself that question too many times but the answer makes less sense each time. “I think you know why, Brandon.”
At this point, I know nothing. “Disappointment, I guess or maybe even anger. She wasn’t awake for very long,” I spit out the same words both of them fed me. My insides quake with anger, I ball my hands and my foot bounces in the air. “She was not awake for very long. So fucking what?” My fist comes down on my thigh, I vibrate harder with fury coursing through my veins. “Who cares, huh? I wanted to see my girl, I needed to see those eyes.” I pull my hair from the roots. “Whatever reason influenced their decisions, I don’t care to know, I can’t forgive it. I should have been given a choice. I should have been informed.”
An eerie calmness takes over after my rant, my chest heaves from the weight of my words. A mild pain starts in my chest, a prickle like someone stabbed me with a needle. Why didn’t they tell me? It’s unfair.
“Sometimes, when we love people, we think we know what’s best for them. It guides our actions and decisions,” Ava says. I let out a sadistic laugh. El doesn’t even love me anymore, she entertains guests at the house. A man. She won’t agree to join me for breakfast or extend a hand of friendship, maybe that’s why her action hurts more. “But it isn’t always the case.” Her gaze locks onto mine. “Even if our actions are born out of love, there is no guarantee people will appreciate it. No certainty that the decisions we take are in our partners best interests.” She shrugs, I sigh. “To us, it might be. To them, it might not.”
The pieces slowly begin to fall into place, then it clicks. “To me, it wasn’t,” I say. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to put a label on El when I have done the same in the past. And I did it in her best interest or so I think. It’s all so confusing now. What if she doesn’t think of me helping her business as a show of care? I did it for love, I wouldn’t have lived with myself if I didn’t. It might have been the same for her. Fuck. Why do these therapists have to be so smart? I shake off the lingering thoughts. “In this case, it wasn’t.”
“But the thought also counts. She loves you, it guided her decisions. She was trying to protect you from another heartbreak, disappointment. You name it.” I want to disagree but I can’t. El loves me? I smile. I am not too sure about that but I hang on to Ava’s words. She’s wise. “What would you have done? How would you have felt if they had told you she was awake and you got there to meet her unconscious.”
Ava’s question requires serious thought, I press my fingertips to the back of my eyes. Scenarios play out in my mind. Heated conversation, angry words, hurling of hateful remarks, none of them ends with a happy ending, only a broken heart. I might have thought it to be a prank. A cruel prank. I release a deep sigh and slip my feet into my shoes. These things are never black and white. Why can’t life be simpler?
“Sad,” I whisper after moments of terse silence. “I will be sad. Hurt. Disappointed. Angry, very angry.”
Burying my face in my palms, guilt twists a knife in my guts and a stinging pain travels the length of my body. I went too far, I am such a giant prick. “Do you think she would want you to feel any of that?”
A sad smile lifts my lips. “No. She’s too soft,” I say. Ava laughs. Thinking deeply about it, it sounds like something I would have done if the reverse were the case. I am more than capable of keeping secrets from her if I think it’s in her best interest. Heck, I am doing that already. “She wouldn’t do that deliberately.”
Ava relaxes in her seat, her hands hang over the armrest. “Does it make more sense now?”
“I guess but it still sucks,” I say, “I wanted to be there. I wanted to see her.” Ava nods, I nod and silence falls over us. “In a moment of rage, I did something stupid.” I don’t bother to elaborate and Ava doesn’t question me. Regret roasts me from the inside. “Very stupid. I don’t think she will ever forgive me.”
“Never say never, Brandon.” I manage a small smile. “If she’s soft like you said, I am sure she will forgive you. It might just take a while, space.” The confidence in her voice causes my chest to deflate with relief, I sag against the chair and Ava chuckles. “It might not be immediate. You will have to give her time.”
How much time? She has had time for five years but she hasn’t forgiven me. Enough time and fucking space to decide if she still wants me. My head bobs, a weight lifts off my body, I can give her time. I will give her time. I don’t care how much time she needs, I will give it to her so long it results in good news.