"Kumusta ang session mo?" Tita Suzzete asked me the moment I went out of the room.
"I don't know," I said honestly.
Hindi ko alam kung nakatutulong ba talaga ang pagpunta ko sa psychologist pakatapos nang ginawa sa akin ni Matthew.
Everything went back to my normal me.
Kung bakit normal?
Kasi iyon na ang nakasanayan ko sa pagiging ako. Ayos na eh. Maayos na ako at unti-unti nang humihilom 'yong sakit na naramdaman ko noon at iyong trauma na naranasan ko noon pero nawala rin naman kaagad. Everything went back to my usual me who was scared of touch from boys just because of too much trusting other people.
I thought Matthew was a kind person towards me because of his actions, but I was fooled. Napakamalaki kong tanga para magtiwala sa isang lalaking katulad niya.
"Tita, I don't need this sessions. It's not helping me," I said with frustration while we walked on the hallway.
"Sav, you badly need it. You just need to accept into yourself that you also need medication regarding your traumas." sambit niya pero umiling lang ako. "Hindi mo lang napapansin, pero alam kong matutulungan ka nito," dagdag niya pa kaya napabuntong hininga ako.
"Magastos lang, Tita eh. Paano kung hindi naman pala ako gumagaling?" I asked because that's what on my mind starting the day I got into this.
"Sav, look at me." mariin niyang tugon sa akin kaya ginawa ko naman 'yon. "The day after you almost raped by your classmate, we can't even talk to you because it brought a huge damage in you." sambit niya kaya napatingin ako sa kaniyang mga mata.
"You're already healing from your past, Sav and I belive that this medication is a big help to you." dagdag niya pa pero umiling ako.
"Baliw ba ako, Tita?" natanong ko na lang bigla.
It just popped on my mind.
Paano kung baliw naman pala talaga ako?
What if I was really sick and I have a brain damage? Because this medication we are talking about is just useless if I am not going to heal anymore.
"Of course, you're not, Savannah! Wala sa lahi natin ang may sakit sa utak, 'no!" histerikal na sabi sa akin ni Tita kaya napatango na lang ako. "Your step Dad is the real crazy for doing such thing to you. Maygash!" sambit niya pa at parang nandidiri nang banggitin ang salitang step Dad.
Napangiti na lang tuloy ako sa kaniya. Para kasi siyang si Mama talaga minsan eh.
"By the way, may naghihintay sa 'yo sa parking lot." pag-iiba niya ng usapan kaya napatingin ako kay Tita.
"Sino po?" magalang kong tanong dahil wala naman akong inaasahan ngayon.
After what Matthew did to me, I distant myself fron other people, especially to boys. Kahit ang makausap sila ay hindi ko ginagawa dahil sa takot kong baka pagsamantalahan na naman ako, pero nakakausap naman nila ako sa loob ng klase.
I am just... I am just really scared to trust people again.
"Your friends," sagot ni Tita sa akin habang nakangiti samantalang ako ay napakunot-noo lamang.
"I don't have any friends, Tita." sambit ko. "Baka nakakalimutan po, Tita nang dahil lang sa pakikipag-kaibigan ay muntik na akong mapahamak." I said with bitterness on my voice.
"This friends of yours are real from what my instinct told me, Sav. Trust me because they have pure intention towards you," she seriously told me.
"Purong intensyon ba na pagsamantalahan ako?" tanong ko sa kaniya pero umiling si Tita sa akin at sinamaan ako ng tingin.
"Sav, stop being paranoid, okay?" paaalala niya sa akin kaya tumango ako.
Nang makarating kami sa parking lot ay roon ko lang naalala kung sinong mga kaibigan ang sinasabi ni Tita kanina. And to be honest, I don't really expect from them.
Baka kasi mamaya ay isang patibong lang naman pala ulit. Nakakatakot.
"Savannah Caroline!" excited na sigaw ni Kennedy nang makita ako kaya pilit na aln gang ngiti na ginawad ko sa kaniya.
She even run towards my direction the moment she saw me. Walang kahit na anumang reaksyon akong naramdaman nang makita ko sila. It wasn't like before. Hindi katulad noon na kapag nakita ko sila ay alam ko na ligtas ako. Today was different and I don't know why.
I don't know what to react.
Iiyak ba ako kasi nandito sila kasi naalala nila ako?
Mata-touch ba ako sa kanila kasi pumunta pa sila rito para lang kumustahin ako? Ganoon na ba talaga ako kaawa-awa para sa kanila?
"Kumusta ka na?" tanong sa akin ni Kennedy na lubos ang ngiti sa kaniyang mukha.
Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap sa akin habang sila Haisely at Ralph naman ay naglalakad na papunta sa amin. Ngumiti sa akin si Ralph at Haisely pero hindi ko 'yon sinuklian.
"Hey!" tawag sa akin ni Ralph habang nakangiti pero hindi na ako ngumiti.
"Savannah, aren't you happy that we're here to ask you if you're okay?" Kennedy asked me with her brows furrowed.
Maybe she sensed that I am still not in the mood to talk to them. I am not going to talk to anyone unless it was Tito Glenn and Tita Suzette.
"Ken, baka pagod lang si Sav." sambit ni Haisely at saka tiningnan nang mariin si Ken, pero iniraan lang siya nito. Haisely looked straight to my eyes, but I looked away. "Kumusta ka na? Ayos lang ba ang pakiramdam mo?" nagsusumaong tanong sa akin ni Haisely pero umiling ako.
I am tired of saying that I'm okay, where in fact, I am not.
"I'm sorry, but I'm tired." I said and walked away.
Naglakad na ako papuntang kotse ni Tita dahil nauna na siya roon. Pakapasok ko sa kotse ay taka akong tiningnan ni Tita. She even shook her head because of disappointment of what I did.
"Hindi mo lang sila kakausapin?" tanong sa akin ni Tita at kaagad akong umiling. "They've been visiting you since last week but you're not allowing anyone to enter your room. Sav, go out from your comfort zone." tugon sa akin ni Tita pero umiling ako.
"Being alone is my comfort zone, Tita. And because of what happened to me, I don't want to be with anyone. I am okay when I am alone." I said but she just shook her head.
She started the engine of her car, but she told me to send a message to my friends. Friends. Yeah, that's what you call to anyone who you know.
But really? Hindi ako naniniwala na lahat ng kilala natin ay kaibigan natin. Because some of the people that we barely know are just there to manipulate and use you.
Matapos mangyari na muntik na akong pagsamantalahan ni Ralph ay na-expel na siya. Habang si Ate Glez naman na anak ni Tita ay suspended ng dalawang linggo. Gusto nga sanang kasuhan ni Tita si Matthew pero dahil minor de edad pa lamang ito ay hindi siya p'wedeng makulong.
Grounded naman sa lahat ng bagay si Ate Glez dahil sa pag-utos nito kay Matthew. Kaunti na nga lang ay parang palalayasin niya ang pinsan ko at masama na kung masama, pero naisip ko na lang talagang umalis dito sa Bicol at magpakalayo-layo sa lahat.
And honestly, I want to escape from this painful reality and end my life. Nakakapagod ang mabuhay lalo na kung masasalamuha mo pa ang taong kayang-kaya kang saktan.
"Sav," tawag sa akin ni Ken nang dumating ang Lunes at nilapitan pa ako sa aking upuan.
Inilipat na rin ako sa ibnag section kung saan kaklase ko na sina Ken at Haisely.
Tumingin ako sa kaniya at galak naman siyang ngumiti sa akin. I faked a smile at her.
"Ayos ka lang ba?" tanong niya sa akin sa malumanay na boses.
Umupo siya sa tabi ko at nagulat pa ako nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko at hinaplos 'yon. I was planning to pull my hand from her reach, but I refused to do it.
"Ayos ka lang ba talaga?" tanong niya sa akin at tiningnan ako nang diretso sa aking mga mata.
Umiling ako at tumingin sa harapan, "Kung sasabihin ko bang ayos lang ako ay maniniwala ka?" I asked and looked at her eventually.
"Yeah, ang tanga ko." sambit niya kaya napatingin ako sa kaniy. "I'm sorry for asking you a fucking dumb question like that." seryoso niyang sabi.
Nakakapanibago tuloy dahil ang seryoso niya ngayon. "Okay ka lang ba?" tanong ko na ngayon sa kaniya dahil parang may problema siya.
No, I'm not guessing, because based from what I saw from her eyes, she's not okay.
"I-kuwento mo, makikinig ako." seryoso kong sabi kaya parang nabigla pa siya sa akin.
Umiling siya at biglang tumawa nang bahagya. But I know that those laugh were fake. "Hindi! Ano na ka ba? Ayos lang ako 'no! Ikaw yata ang may problema sa ating dalawa eh." pag-iiba niya nang usapan at mukhang bumalik na ang pagiging masayahing Kennedy.
"I'm not really okay, but I'm trying my best to scrutinize myself."
"Bakit kaya ganoon, ano? Binigay naman natin ang lahat sa taong mahal natin, ang kaso ay tayo pa rin ang dehado." she said seriously that made me smile bitterly.
"Because people aren't fair enough with us. Kahit anomang pilit natin sa kanila, hinding-hindi tayo mananalo kasi may iba't ibang prinsipyo at pag-iisip tayo. We can't manipulate someone's mind unless they are superior or they have a higher position than you." I explained that made me shook my head.
Ilang beses na nga ba akong nagamit ng ibang tao? Hindi ko na mabilang eh.
"Ang seryoso naman 'ata ng pinag-uusapan ninyong dalawa riyan?" tanong bigla ni Haisely na nakatayo at katabi pa si Ralph.
"Nagre-review na ba kayo para sa BUCET?" tanong sa akin ni Haisely pero umiling ako.
"No, we're talking about other stuffs." I answered and faked a smile. "Magkasama na naman kayo ah." puna ko dahil dapat ay sa kabilang seksyon si Ralph.
Nakita ko ang pamumula ng pisngi ni Haisely at saka lumapit pa nang husto su Ralph sa kaniya. "I'm courting her," Ralph said and take a glance to Haisely.
"T-That's great," I said nervously.
Hindi ko alam pero may kung ano sa damdamin ko. Tumayo ako at nagpaalam sa kanilang tatlo na pupunta muna akong cr. Napapikit ako nang marihin dahil sa may kung anong kirot pa rin sa puso ko nang malaman kong nililigawan na ni Ralph si Haisely.
I shouldn't feel this way!
Isa lang naman akong kaibigan nila. Sav, you're just friends with them!
I told it to myself many times while I'm inside the comfort room.
We've been talking rarely, kami nila Haisely at minsan lang ako nakikihalubilo sa kanila. Iyon nga lang ay kapag silang unang pumansin sa akin.
And I'm glad because they didn't stop from being friends with me. Kasi kung nasa Visayas lang ako, baka hanghang ngayon ay wala pa rin akong kaibigan.
Pero bakit ganito?!
Bakit may kirot?!
Bumalik na akong muli sa classroom namin at hindi ko pa rin maalis sa isipan ko ang nalaman ko kanina. I know that Haisely and Ralph have something between them, but my brain can't process it.
"Tinatawag ka ni Ma'am, Sav." biglang sabi sa akin ni Ken kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya pero umiwas din kaagad.
"What course do you want in college, Sav?" Ma'm asked me, but I was hesitating to answer her yet I need to.
"The c-course that I want..." I paused and think of a possible course I want to pursue in college.
Damn! Why this simple question to others seems too hard for me to answer?
Hindi naman kasi ako nakikinig kanina sa discussion kaya hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko ngayon!
"Savannah, are you okay?" tanong sa akin ni Ma'am kaya tumango ako.
"H-Honestly, I still don't know the course that I will pursue in college." I said and I know that my classmates rushed to look at my direction. "I still don't have any idea of what course I want in college bacause I'm still figuring out what my heart really desires. I know it sounds weird to others because in just few months, we will separate ways and will enroll in prestigious colleges." I briefly explained.
That made our teacher nod at me multiple times as if she realized something. Kaagad akong umupo sa aking upuan matapos ko iyong masagutan.
"Do you know, class that it takes for a person to develop her or his passion, talents and desires in life? It is because they still looking for themselves. They are still exploring their passion and talents in life and I bet Savannah is one of them." mahabang litanya ng guro namin sa unahan.
Tumango ako roon at umiwas din ng tingin dahil ramdam ko ang mga titig sa akin ng mga kaklase ko.
"She's still figuring herself what she truly desires and that's really okay. Someday or one day, you'll know what you really wanted to be in the future. H'wag kayong mag-alala kung ang ibang taong ka-edad n'yo ay marami na ang naaabot samantalang kayo ay iniisip pa rin kung ano ang gusto."
Biglang tumayo si Haisely at binalingan ako saglit ng tingin saka tumingin muli kay Ma'am. Huminga siya nang malalim at saka nagsalita.
"I agree with what Ma'am stated a few seconds ago. I agree that you don't have to compete with someone's achievements just because you are still scrutinizing yourself. May tamang oras para makamit kung ano ba talaga ang gusto mo sa buhay. But please still be proud of ourselves because we are still breathing and we are still alive." Haisely said and smiled at me.
Hindi ko tuloy mawari kung ako ba ang pinapatamaan niya sa kaniyang sinasabi. Nabigla na naman ako nang tumayo si Ken na nasa katabi ko at biglang nagsalita.
"Because we are reaching our goals in our own ways. We have our own spotlight in many things and that doesn't need any validation from others. Darating at darating ang oras na makikibagay na rin sa atin ang panahon. We just need to wait for the right time and work for it." she said and smiled at Haisely.
Pakatapos ng discussion tungkol sa mga pangarap namin ay nagtuloy-tuloy na muli ang klase sa mga susunod na subject. It was tiring yet I know in myself that I did great today.
Sa mga sumunod na araw ay sumasama na akong muli kina Haisely. I even told myself that I shouldn't be jealous just because Ralph is already courting Haisely until the day that Haisely answered yes to Ralph.
I am happy for them.
May kaunti mang kirot akong nararamdaman ay tinanggap ko na lang dahil wala namang mangyayari. At wala ring nakaalam no'n dahil sino pa naman ako hindi ba?
"Really, Haisely?!" tanong ko sa kaniya na gulat ngunit hindi ko maiwasang pagtaasan siya ng boses. "He's bisexual?!" I asked her again and what she just did is to nod at me.
"Totoo nga! Ang kulit n'yong dalawa!" bulyaw niya sa aming dalawa ni Ken dahil hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako makapaniwala.
Damn! I even had a crush on him, yet he's gay?!
"He's not really sure what he really want, but he is sure that he just used me to cover his real identity." Haisely sadly explained and I can spot bitterness on her voice.
"Tangina! Naging kaibigan pa naman natin siya tapos ganoon pala siya?!" inis namang sambit ni Ken at saka hinilot ang kaniyang sintido.
"I even had a crush on him!"