Chapter Twenty-Eight
My head was spinning when I finally reached my dorm room. Everything felt heavy. My body, my bag, my head. It was like the gravity was weighing me down.
I opened the door of my dorm room and walked inside. As soon as I did, I let my bag fall to the ground with a thump and then I stumbled over to my bed in a few steps before I fell on it. My face fell in between the pillows and I let out a big exhale. With that, I closed my eyes and let the numbness settle over me.
It was all over. My whole life, my future, my career ... me, everything was over. And I was the very own reason for it. I Could not believe it. Was it all real? Was I living in some sort of nightmare or illusion? How could I not see what was happening before me? How could I not Notice?
Mike was a druggie. He was someone who would do anything to get his next hit. He placed a bet on me with his friends, just so he could make some cash for his next drug stock. Everything I witnessed in the cafeteria today, the whole interaction with his friends, Was about me. They were making fun of my condition. It also meant that they knew about me being pregnant.
Mike did this to me.
How could I not notice it? His erratic snapping, whenever he got mad, his wholehearted attention on me, and his so sexually forward behaviour with me, it was all very indicative. His behaviour was telling me on my face what was wrong with him?
'What girl sleeps with a guy in just two weeks?' That girl had asked. The answer was a hard, straight punch on my face. Who does that? I do that. I ... A stupid, sixteen-year-old, senseless, foolish person. Who was, oh so ready to believe that a guy could behave that great without having an ulterior motive. And look at me ... I bloody defended him and his every action. From start to now.
Bloody heck! I went as far as giving him the benefit of the doubt when he was very visibly making fun of me with his friends. I found an excuse for that. I found an excuse for every single one of his actions. Even when Shirley ... Damn, I was a horrible friend. And I was a bitch.
When Shirley told me her story about what happened to her and how she hardly managed to survive from a horrid thing that Mike had set her up to, I still found an excuse for him. Him. Not her. My sister - like a friend. I chose him over her. I chose to believe that somehow Shirley had misunderstood the whole situation so that I did not have to blame him.
I convinced myself that it was Mike's friend who pulled that trick, just so I could continue believing him. I chose to ignore the fact when Shirley said she Heard his voice on the phone, that she heard his words when she was fighting for her survival. How the bloody heck did I convince myself that in the heat of the moment that maybe she confused somebody else's voice for his? Why was I so blindsided? Because I wanted to live a little, uh? You stupid jerk! Now face the consequences.
My friend went through so much and when she asked me to believe her story, I chose not to. If I could slap myself hard on the face I would do it. Because I would deserve it.
My mind drifted back to the time when Shirley warned me to stay away from Mike and I ignored her. How stupid I was for not to take her seriously? She was right all along. She was right about him. She was right about me being a dumbass. She was right about all the things. It was me who was always in the wrong. And now, I have lost her. I have lost the only person who would have stood by my side when nobody else will. She had always treated me like her sister and how did I return that to her the favour? By calling her jealous over a guy that I had just met this month. Where she and I had been together for so long.
How could I do that? How?
I didn't even realise that I was sobbing so hard on the pillows that the pillow cover had been dampened by my tears. I wanted to feel sorry for myself but I did not. I had chosen this path, I had chosen all of this. And now I had to face what was coming my way. I will deserve every harsh punishment that I got. Not only for Mike but for what I did to Shirley. She did not deserve the way she deserved to be treated.
My body shook as I continued to cry. My body felt damp from the sweat but I couldn't care less. I cried and cried and cried. That was all I could do.
I did not know for how long I was crying like that when I felt a hand stroke my hair. I jolted when I felt it. Slowly and carefully, I raised my head to look up. As soon as I did, I saw Shirley standing there. Staring down at me with worry and a pained look in her eyes. Her eyes searched my face. Not caring about anything, I grabbed Shirley's soft hand and pulled her onto the bed.
Shirley sat down with a thump and I crawled on her lap. Cradling her waist in my arms, I began crying again.
"I'm sorry, Shirley. I am so damn sorry." I whispered in between my tears. I felt her hand coming on my head, resting before she started stroking it again. I buried myself in my stomach and continued crying.
Blabbering stuff that even I could not understand. Only knowing that somehow I was apologising to her. She needed to know how sorry I was and how badly I wanted to take back every single thing I had said or done to her. I knew I messed things up.
"I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I did all of those things. I should have listened to you. I'm sorry." I said and so much more. Shirley let me blabber on and on, and all the while she stroked my hair to calm me down.
After a while, when all of my tears had died down, I finally did calm down. Shirley pulled me away from her and helped me sit up.
With loving eyes, she wiped my torn cheeks and shushed me. She walked over to the mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. Unscrewing the cap, she handed it over to me. I took two big gulps before I put them on the side table.
For a few seconds, both of us were silent but then finally, Shirley spoke. "What happened? What's going on with you?" She asked.
I felt tears again gathering in my eyes. I swallowed hard to push them back down. Finally, slowly, I told her everything. Everything that had happened between me and Mike after she stopped talking to me. I also told her about the things that I had kept hidden from her when I was dating Mike. Not keeping anything hidden this time, I told her all about the sex part between Mike and me. I told her how things happened and how they took turns from the moment I showed Mike the pregnancy test.
I stood up and walked over to where I had thrown the bag on the ground. I picked it up and brought it to my bed. Shirley had not spoken a thing from the moment I had started telling her the whole thing.
Opening the bag, I pulled out the pregnancy test, wrapped around the toilet paper and handed it to her. With calm hands, she unwrapped the pregnancy test and saw the lines on it. One that confirms that I was pregnant.
Shirley saw the lines and without giving anything away from her expressions, put it down beside her. She was hiding her expressions well. For some reason, I was nervous to see what her reaction would be after seeing my positive test but she showed no change on her face. I was hoping that she would judge me or at least scold me that she warned me to stay away from Mike, but she did nothing like that. Instead, what she said next completely caught me off guard.
"So, what are you going to do now? Do you wanna keep this baby or do you want to ..." Abort? Her last sentence went hanging in the air with a question mark.
I swallowed hard. Somehow, her not asking questions about why I was not careful in the first place, made me tenser. She knew that it was a complete stupidity from my side and yet she withheld all the comments to herself. Even in the worst time, she was very composed and calm whereas, on the other hand, I was anything but.
Her question made me think. Contemplating both options I tried to come to one final decision but could not. Both of these options were horrid and hopeful but I could not decide which one should I choose. I could not comprehend the idea of living with a baby growing inside me. On the other hand, even the thought of having this baby aborted. Both of them send a shiver down my spine.
With no final decision, I shook my head.
"I don't know," I whispered. My head bowed down from shame and embarrassment. Where have I come from?
"It's alright. You don't have to decide about it right away. Take your time and come to a decision soon. For now, just take some rest. Taking this much stress isn't good for you or your baby." And just like that, she stood up. She squeezed my shoulder when she did.
One question was spinning around in my head.
The moment Shirley turned around to head to her bed, I called out to her. "Shirley." Shirley stopped in her tracks and looked at me over her shoulder.
"Do you forgive me?" I asked her. Afraid of the answer that she was about to give me.
"Whom am I to forgive you Viri? It was my fault that I thought of you as a sister when we were just supposed to be friends." She answered. Just like that, she climbed onto her bed and went to sleep.
Her remark hit so deep that I felt my heart ache for real. I broke her trust and now I see how bad it hurt her.
We were sisters but I just made us friends.