I fell on my knees and began to cry. I cried my heart out, tears rolled down my cheek uncontrollably as I curled my hands in a fist and didn't dare to raise my head.
I felt hands wrapping themselves around me protectively. I sniffed and moved my head and saw Ryan as he engulfed me in a hug.
My lips began to quiver as I held his arms as if my life depended upon it and snuggled close to him. He pulled me in his embrace and I held his shirt and began to cry.
He rubbed my back as I let out my cries of misery. My tears soaked his shirt but he didn't push me away, he held me close, comforting me.
“Ryna…” He kissed my head and I continued to let out my agony.
I sobbed for I don't know how long and then slowly parted. I looked at him with my watery gaze.
I sniffed as he wiped my tears and cupped my cheeks. He smiled at me and said sincerely, "I am here."
I just gave him a nod and he pulled me in his arms again. I closed my eyes as the sound of his heartbeat gave me serenity.
“Please don’t leave me.” I held him close.
Tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes but the sound of his heartbeat kept me together.
“I won’t.” He whispered as if it was the last ray of hope which is helping me not to fall apart.
“We all hold grief but you have me to share it with, You don’t have to cry alone.” He said, becoming my shore.
My pants calmed down, my shivers stopped and a sudden lull took over as I felt like a safe shelter in his arms.
“Please hold me close.” I begged, clinging on his arm.
“Sure.” He smiled, holding me rigidly enough to not escape as I considered him my last string to place faith.
We remained like this as I stood up. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, I rested my head on his chest and stood there, drawing in the magic of his proximity.
A silence fell upon us as we continued to stand there. After a while I heard someone calling me.
"Rebecca."
We turned to see Marianne. She stood beside me as Ryan turned his head away.
“Um.. you talk to her.” He said awkwardly.
I put my hand over his and gave it a gentle squeeze. He looked at me and removed his hand and took a few steps back.
He looked away not wanting to disturb us.
I passed him a smile and he smiled back. I then turned to Marianne and we both looked at the grave in front of us.
"Your relations with him seemed better."
"Hmmm." She remained silent as I began to say,
"I saw Jane in my dream, she told me that I don't want to lose you over a man." I sighed, shaking my head.
"Do you love Ryan?" She asked, raising her brows.
"She asked me the same." I chuckled dryly, turning my head and saw Ryan which brought a smile to my lips.
“But, unlike my dream- nightmare, he is not so far away as to never hold.” I smiled sincerely because right now I hold my hand out to him, he will hold it.
"And what did you answer?" She asked, intrigued.
"I couldn't answer .. " I said in a croaked voice.
I don't know if Ryan can listen to us but I just couldn't help but to tell someone about it about the second where all I cared about was him.
A silence fell upon us and the. Marianne began to say,
"You are changing. You would come here on this day and look at her for hours but never open up.” She said with a smile.
“And you let out your feelings not to her but to me as well."
I let out an empty laugh and replied, "I just told you my dream. It was only a nightmare I will forget eventually.. "
"You didn't answer my question either." Marianne said, turning her head in my direction. I looked at her too.
We both had a staring competition as abysmal thoughts stirred my mind and I was left with the inability to answer that simple question whether I love Ryan or not.
"I need some time to know my feelings. " I said, looking away, disappointed in my own self.
"Don't push yourself away from salvation."
She told me and I nodded and turned my head to Ryan who seemed… shocked? What happened to him?
I raised an eyebrow at him and he shook his head that it's nothing.
I gave him a questioning look and he passed me a smile.
I tilt my head to confirm for the last time that it is okay and he shrugged his shoulders and smiled widely at me.
"Can you see Jane? Rebecca can even talk through eye contact."
I shot my head to Marianne who was smiling at me and said, "I am happy for you."
"What do you mean? There's nothing and will never be." She sighed and just put her hand over her forehead.
“Is that so? Look at him, he is staring at you and you at him.” She whispered, teasing me.
“Shut up.” I muttered, scoffing and turned to Ryan.
“Ryan, don’t stand there. Come here.” I smiled, holding my hand out to him.
“Sure.” He smiled back at me and I don’t know but I felt contentful that he is giving me his attention more than Marianne.
That I matter more than her.
Just in that moment, someone also came. Papa. With a bouquet of white roses just like me and Marianne.
I curled my hands in a fist, moving it back as he gave me a sorrowful look,
“Rebecca, Love, listen-” He tried to say something but I rolled my eyes and walked back.
“Don’t you fucking dare to talk to him.” I growled.
“Let’s go, Ryan.”
I turned to Ryan, I held his hand and dragged him out with me.