I walked down and went to the dining hall and greeted Mr and Mrs Knight. Mrs Knight was usually scoffing but Mr Knight blessed me like always.
"Uh.. I am going to stay at my sister's place tonight." I said.
"Going to the other witch's place." Taunted Mrs Knight and for once I want to make her shut her mouth.
"Stop it, Sarah. You don't have to ask, dear. Go wherever you want." Mr Knight said reassuringly.
I smiled and said sincerely, "Thank you." He just laughed and after breakfast, I went to Marianne's place.
I saw the last person I wanted to see at her place.
Jayden.
‘What is he doing here?’
My eyes widened as I felt my energy being drained from me and the image of the ravage he brought upon me which soon became the feeling I began to treasure.
In a sense, I am grateful to him that day for initiating my equanimity.
“Hey…” I trailed off nervously.
He passed me a faint smile and put his hand over his neck nervously. I hugged my side and turned away, not meeting his gaze.
"Hi.. How are you?" He asked vaguely.
"Fine. You?" Awkward.
"Good."
"What are you doing in California?" I asked, turning to glare at Marianne.
"Rebecca!" Marianne chirped as she ran to me and engulfed me in a hug.
"Welcome! I was about to get you, glad you came. I want you to meet Jayden, I met him in Fairmont in SF." She told me in such enthusiasm that it made me raise an eyebrow at her.
"Congratulations. Which post are you in?" I asked.
"Uh.. auditor for now."
"As expected. I am happy for you." I finally looked at him and passed him a smile.
"I hope we can hang out sometime." He said hopefully.
“What about your work?”
“Taking a break for now.” He shrugged, as uncomfortable as I am but a certain mindless woman has no cognition.
"I don't know. I can't promise." I said, pulling away from Marianne whose eyes are shining. Her demeanor sometimes made me wonder who is older. Her or me?
She gets on my nerves by her actions sometimes.
"I'll get something to eat.” Marianne grinned.
"French fries for me."I said, having an abrupt craving for it. Marianne nodded and left.
Me and Jayden stood awkwardly in the hall. I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ears and motioned him to take a seat.
“Uh, let’s sit down.” We both sat down and I wanted to tell him that I burned all those notes but couldn't.
"So, How's your life?" He asked, smiling softly, tensed mostly in my presence.
"Good." ‘More than good’
"I am glad to see you happy." He said earnestly and my mind wandered around Ryan, checking my phone but got no text from him.
"So.. How's your job?" I asked, trying to end this worrisome air.
"Great. Thanks to all those internships. By the way, You should have also continued your studies." He hummed.
"Hmm.. Maybe I will."
A silence fell upon us, I looked away not meeting his azure gaze but I could his stare on me which made my heart rate pick pace. Drying my throat in tension.
"Rebecca.. Are you happy?" He decided to break silence. I shot my head to him in bafflement but he continued.
"Did he treat you right? Are you happy with him?" He asked, concerned about my wellbeing.
I narrowed my eyes at him, curving my lips down in a frown, "Ryan." I said firmly. He gave me a questioning look as I continued,
"Not 'he', He has a name. Ryan. And how many times are you gonna ask me this?” I asked, slightly enraged at his constant nag.
“I am better than I have ever been in my entire life. Don't ask the same question over and over again, my answer will never change." I replied honestly, content to think about my time with Ryan.
"Even if your heart is not convinced by your words?" He cannot twist my words or perception.
"My very soul is convinced by my words, in fact it wanted to say more." I rolled my eyes from him. Things have changed drastically between me and Ryan.
I cannot afford to lose him anymore. I don’t know what would happen to me if I did.
"Oh, then I am willing to listen. Do you feel the same fondness you felt for me, for him as well or not?" He asked, slightly aggressive, challenging my faith.
"Look Jayden, what I felt for you and what I feel for him is different. I was fond of you, I felt close to you. And Ryan, he is my redemption, my devotion." Inhaling, I paused.
“He is more important than my own existence to me, he has given me solace, he made me feel, he makes me smile. I don’t regret marrying him.” I know my words would hurt him.
But it’s the truth he must face and snap out of his delusions.
"Do you love him?" He asked direly.
I stilled for a second, trying to register the depth of his words. It should have been easy to answer but I could.
“Hmm?”
My heart skipped a beat, my throat dried. I remained motionless and didn't reply to him.
"Sometimes silence spoke louder than words, Rebecca." Jayden said sadly lowering his gaze.
"I also want to know what my silence says. Tell me what you hear? Speak what I cannot." I asked in a faint voice.
Maybe his words can calm this stirring feeling. Why couldn't I answer this every time? It should be a swift response yet I remained silent.
"Attraction. The more you try to get away the more you get close to him and no matter how much you deny it, you cannot hide that you have fallen for Ryan."
My eyes widened as I whispered, "I don't."
“Your reaction to his mention is enough to see, Rebecca. Whether you say it or not, it’s clear.” He smiled with his trembling lips, heartbroken to find my dedication for Ryan.
“No.. That’s not it.. He is just liberating me from my fears.” I reasoned softly, shaking my head in denial.
"Then complete your sentence, say that you don't love him." He challenged, smirking at my powerlessness.
"I.. I.. " I tried to say but couldn't.
He leaned back and laughed emptily, "See I told you." I lowered my head as he stood up.
"My heart is at peace now, to see that you are happy. My smiles reside with you. May you live happily ever after." He said pinching my cheeks but I can feel the tear that fell from his eyes to my cheek.
Yet I didn’t look up and only wiped away the tear which fell.
“Jay-” I tried to speak but what can I say for his consolation?
Jayden walked away, I closed my eyes as a tear also rolled down my cheek, eerie thoughts wreaked havoc in my mind. I couldn't apprehend anything.
Like I am drowning in those pools of uncertainties and nothing can save me. I exhaled deeply to regain my senses.
I truly wanted to answer but I could neither say I don’t love him nor I do.
I don't know whether I should be heartbroken over Jayden's words or over hearing that I love Ryan.
‘How can I love him?’