It has been over 3 weeks, and a lot of things have happened. The WAEC examination came to an end, and I must confess, I felt as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulder. That very day we concluded our examination, we(the SSS3 students) made our way to the staff room, each one of us saying our words of appreciation to our teachers.
All the teachers hold on to a beautiful smile as they said their blessings, wishing us a good future ahead. We all went back to the hall, with one less task off our way. I decided in my heart to use the next two weeks to rest and prepare for my next examination, the NECO EXAMINATION. Yes, the NECO examination, an exam that is also as important as the previous one.
As much as I love reading, I would rather cancel that examination, but who am I to do that? I guess it will not just be an examination alone but a lot of moments with that good-looking teenager that can make me feel…
Ethan was able to write his exams successfully, all thanks to the usage of drugs. I am still attracted to him, being months now and that alone gives me unending creeps. I was able to finally get over my feelings for Rachael, making headway for my crazy attraction toward Ethan.
I opened my Facebook account the same day I concluded my WAEC examination. Much to Ethan's perseverance and disturbance to open one Facebook account, I did. He was no doubt the first person I sent a friend request to.
I kept checking every minute to see if he had accepted my friend request, but unfortunately, he didn't. I felt quite angry and at the same time, I missed him. I added my other classmates who wasted no time in accepting my request and also teased me for just opening a Facebook account.
I almost leaped up with joy when Ethan finally accepted my friend request on a Sunday, two days later after I sent a friend request. I feigned being angry by not sending him any message, but as fortune will be on my side, he sent a message. We chatted for hours, and that became our routine, mostly at night. Even though we chat every day, it mostly revolves around our wellbeing, advice, and jokes. Every night we say good night after chatting, I always reminisce over our chat and imagine him talking to me, with his lovely smile and handsome face.
School eventually resumed for SSS3 students as we began our NECO(NATIONAL EXAMINATION COUNCIL), another examination like WAEC, which can also serve as criteria for higher education.
I felt sick during my NECO examination, and Ethan has been so caring and asking about my well-being, which yielded well as I recovered on time.
Imaginations of all sorts sometimes come rushing down my head, but I don't take time in discarding them. Imagining him hugging me or touching his broad shoulders has crossed my mind at different times but I knew my mind was playing 'feelings trick' on me.
Sometimes, I even wished I was free from the attraction because of a lot of things. As much as I enjoyed being around Ethan, I often feel a bad aura surrounding that weird feeling of mine.
Even with our NECO examinations going on, Ethan and I still chat every night, as we find one thing or the other to talk about. My night was always clouded as my attraction for Ethan started becoming a nightmare for me.
My attraction towards him and my night chat with him began to have a turning effect on me, as I developed insomnia, making me sleep late into the night. I tried tying the knot together but was not certain what caused my sleeping disorder, my attraction towards Ethan or my reading schedule of 10 pm- 2 am which I hardly stick to?
I continued to express my sentiment aloud with my words of prayer. Sometimes I cry to get rid of this feeling. I might look like a baby crying and making ridiculous requests, but great fears lock around me. Guilty conscience struck me whenever I knew I was developing feelings for the same sex.
God gave me the ability to have feelings. He also gave me the willpower to choose either to give in to those temporary feelings or not. I later concluded, "God gave me feelings, not for me to give in to them but to learn how to control them.
Trying to reflect on how I fell for Ethan only sends shivers down my body. I slapped him for attempting to kiss me, we became friends, and boom the feelings came. No matter how I tried to offend him, he never gets angry, rather he forgets and plays with me.
I could see in his eyes that even when he tried to stop himself from coming to meet me, his feet found their way to meet me. He used to hang out with his friends but just seeing him lurking around me, and wanting to talk with me brings a lot of reasonable and unreasonable questions, in fact, a lot of what-if questions.
What if he is attracted to me? What if he makes sexual advances towards me. What will I do? Will I be able to resist him even though I am deeply attracted to him? Even with all these questions dominating my mind, there is only one admonition that kept reckoning in my mind and that is 'Not to give in to my feelings and sexual cravings'
I knew better within myself of the difficult situation I am in. Ever since I discovered this weird feeling of mine, I never considered myself gay. The book I read that day made me realize I was never gay, not until I give in to my sexual biddings, that is, involved in homosexual acts.
That kept me up with the fact that I will only be gay when I engage in sexual acts with the same sex. I am not ready to give in to those feelings, I always tell myself, but for how long? I must not betray that strong admonition in me and that is to control my feelings, but can I? All these thoughts kept flooding my heart, with different doubts crowding in against my admonition. I feel helpless.
Everything was going averagely well, not until the night before my last examination paper. The night I received that message, which left me wondering whether my thoughts are becoming true.