I walked away from Ivana, I was truly pathetic as Hinn Carlos had said, I knew nothing about love.
"Hey, Robin!" Clara, who was walking in my direction, stopped and waved but I didn’t wave back. I was dejected, I was angry at myself.
"Robin." She called after me but I didn’t glance back. I wanted to be far away, away from Ivana for a while, away from everyone, just like I had been as a kid.
I started my car in the underground parking lot and drove off while speeding out I saw Ivana, she was saying something, Perhaps my name since her lips were moving, but she was the last person I want to see now.
Thus all made me remember Ava in the States. Yes, I had a female friend over there, girls stuck around me but Ava was different, she wanted more, she wanted me to love her, still I pushed her away.
I couldn’t love a lady, I hurt them instead, especially when I know I was attracted to them.
"Hey, Robin," Ava called out my name as I stood close to the pillar by the rooftop in the academy I attended in the States.
"Hi, Ava." She handed me the coffee she had bought for me, I took a sip, leaning to the pillar. Ava leans close to me as we stared into space together.
It was okay for her to stand this close to me, she was the only girl I let this close, the only girl I confined in at the State, she knew most about me, we became close after I started the academy.
"Isn't this lovely, aren’t we happy together." She softly said as she sipped the coffee in her hands.
These words reminded me of what my mother said while looking at the pictures when I told her I would leave.
Ava looked at me when I didn’t respond, I spoke so little even when I was with Ava, I was close to her but she didn't make me talk so much as Ivana did now.
"Why don't you make me your girlfriend Robin?" Her words made me paused the coffee to my lips.
"Ava, you know…"
"That you can't love me back?" Ava answered, cutting me off what I wanted to say, like I said she understands me.
"Ava, I can’t do that and you know it, you can only love but I…"
"You would love me too with time Robin, love grows." She touched my hands but I shut my eyes. Love doesn't grow, if it doesn't u wouldn't be here right now, my life wouldn't be gloomy as it is.
"I can't love you, Ava." I took her hands. "You are a good friend of mine, but love is far from it all…"
"Then, why do you keep acting nice to me if you don’t love me?!" Ava furrowed her brows. "You love me too but you just can't see it, Robin, you think you don't, but deep down you do."
Tears rolled down her cheek and I hated it, she knew I hate ladies who cry although I didn’t tell her the reason why I hate it.
This was what love does to someone, it will only make them cry and make them weak. I stepped back from her, I wouldn’t want the same thing that happened to my mother to also happen to Ava. It may if I don't stop it now.
"Ava, don't do this to yourself please, stop cry because of me, I am nice to you, but love is far from what I feel, I just can’t love you."
I saw fear in her eyes, this was the first time I have seen such a feat in Ava's eyes.
"Robin…"
"If it is love you want from me, then I can't guarantee I would love you too, you should stay away from me, this would help you, look for a guy who would love you, I would only hurt you by staying next to you." I stepped far away from her and more tears rolled down her cheek.
"Robin, you can still open your heart to love someone no matter what has happened in your past, love isn't poison as you thought, there is more to love than you think!" She barked at me like she could get the words registered in my head.
"I am so sorry Ava, from today, do not acknowledge me, I won't acknowledge you too, you will see, this feeling you think you have for me would gradually disappear." I gazed into her teary eyes for a long time.
"Goodbye Ava." I turned and walked away no matter how much she called out my name. Our friendship headed that day. I stopped talking to her.
This was what I did to Ava, this was how I distance myself from her that day.
This was the reason I never wanted to get close to any girl, this was the reason I rejected Ivana’s friendship, but still, I couldn’t stay away from Ivana, perhaps because she lives in our mansion.
I still don't think so either, I have never told any lady that they belong to me, I have never introduced any girl to Ryan as my girlfriend but I told him this about Ivana.
I have never been jealous about any lady who was talking to a guy than when I get jealous of Ivana when she even says hello to them.
I have never told any lady that I would ruin their relationship with their boyfriend. Ivana was different, and after learning she was that kid I saw last before I left here, the urge to keep her close became strong.
But… I don't understand my feelings, I am so scared I would hurt her, I am so scared I would make her cry.
"Fuck!" I hit the steering wheel as I clutched it then I accelerated. I have been driving in circles, as I drove in circles so was my thoughts.
Why did I have to witness all those things as a kid? My dad was crazy too, he loved his other wife but doesn't love my mother.
I ran my hand through my hair as I thought back to the happy family my father had in the States.
He pets his wife and his children like they were treasure while my mother was treated like trash. No day went by that I didn’t hate him for it.
He was the cause of all these, be ruined my life. "AHH!" I screamed feeling something warm roll down my cheek. It's still because of him that my mother has not loved anyone else.
I won't love anyone, I don't want to ruin their life as he did to my mother's. No matter how happy my mother pretends to be now, I know deep down the scars are still there.
I wouldn’t want to leave a scar in anyone lady's heart. This is the reason I will have to stay away from Ivana as much as possible.