I drove in circles for a while before driving to the beach. All through the ride, Robin had said nothing and I didn’t ask him anything, if it meant just staying silent with him, at least he wasn’t alone.
I couldn’t tell the pain he has gone through as a child, it would be odd if I were to think I understand when I don’t.
I looked over at him when I stopped the car, he was still staring outside the window, the sun was almost setting and the beach was only left with few others that were leaving already.
Robin gently stepped out of the car and I did too, he walked towards the water before halting. I watched his back for a long time, he was silent, I couldn’t tell what was displayed in his thoughts, it has been hours since he spoke a word and I was a bit worried.
I walked over to his side and gazed at his face, he wasn’t looking at me, he was only staring at the water that was bathed with the setting sun.
“All my life has been a series of coldness.” He parted his lips to speak and I was already feeling hurt because of his words because of pain and the hoarseness. “I wished to be happy, I always dreamt I would be…” He paused.
I didn’t say a word, I just wanted to listen. If that was all he wanted then I would listen to him.
Robin exhaled softly. “I could remember little of my childhood until my father left my mother, I was a kid and didn’t know much.” Robin looked down at his hands. “I was happy, or thought I was, I remembered the warm embrace of my mother and that of my father.”
Robin rubbed his palm against his eyes and sniffled. “It was all an act,” He shook his head, exhaling sharply as he looked up. “I could hear my parents argue, and as a four-year-old kid, I thought that was normal since they still held me with their warm hands, not until my father left suddenly and I watched my mother cry.”
Robin shut his eyes. I couldn’t tell if I should stop him now from remembering those things that hurt him. There were tears in my eyes and I was having a runny nose as I sniffled.
“I wished to have a normal life, to go to the aquarium with my both parents, to go to the zoo and amusement park to have fun just like other kids,” He shook his head. “But, that was different for me, to me I was never meant to live that way.” I watched tears roll down his now puffy eyes.
“I wasn’t asking for much,” He tapped his chest as he looked at me. “I have felt jealous as a kid because I did feel among, I wasn’t given the warmth, I had only watched my mother cry and tended to her when she was wasted by too much alcohol.”
Robin shut his eyes and I wanted to hold him and say it was alright but I knew it wasn’t, not now, I should let him let them all out.
“I isolated myself to look after my mother, I didn’t keep friends since I don’t want to let anyone know how cold and lonely my life was, I only watched my mother who I love so much turn into something else.” Robin exhaled sharply. “And I hated my dad so much.”
He chuckled lightly as he looked at me with droopy eyes. “I hate him for leaving me and my mother all by our self, I hated him for hurting my mother so much and making her cry that way, for making her become an addict to alcohol, only to be told this by her, only to be told that she hurts my dad first and used me as a means to get what she wants, to get him to stay with her!” Robin put his two hands over his head.
“Fuck!” He shouted and I covered my hands with my lips as I sobbed silently, I was wrong, could I truly comfort him, could I truly say it was okay when it isn’t.
“I don’t want all of this Ivana.” Robin looked at me. “I don’t want to have this hate in my heart anymore,” He tapped his chest as uncontrollably tears rolled down his eyes that were looking at me. “But this heart has been cold for too long.” He pointed at his chest.
“How can they expect me to take in all this, how do I hate a woman I loved and missed and took as my mother and love a man I hate all these years for his coldness, how am I expected to do all that.”Robin sobbed, his voice came out hoarse and he ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t want this, I don’t know what to do, Ivana, I am not that strong anymore.” Robin knelt with his hands over his head as tears filled his face as he kept muttering. “I wish I could turn back time but what could I have done? These mistakes all happened before I was born, I couldn’t change anything.”
I knelt beside him and wrapped my hands around him as I pet his back. I don’t know words to say to him, I don’t know the words that would comfort him, but I was glad when he hugged me back.
“I don’t want to hate my mother and I want to forgive my father, but can we go back to those happy moments? Can we overlook all that happened in the past and be happy again? It was better when I didn’t know than now I know.” Rob sob against my shoulder.
“I am sorry Robin, sorry for lying to you,” I apologized first since I had lied that it would all be okay. “But it is okay not to be okay, I am here for you no matter what,” I whispered as I closed my eyes, patting his back.
I only wish this pain he felt right now will all go away, I wish it will all pass and everyone becomes happy again, but I know Robin was right, it would all be hard knowing all these things, it will all be hard to take them in after hearing these secrets.
Why is it so difficult in everyone’s life? It would all be good if there were no sad moments in our lives, it would be nice if the pain all went away. “I am here for you Robin,” I told him softly as he sobs lightly and we stayed like this for a long while, in silence and tears.