"Are you leaving?" I asked Jr. as if I wanted to cry because of what he said. "Will you leave me?" I added.
"Mia, I hope you can understand." How can I understand that he will leave and I will be left behind? Even now when I'm used to him being by my side.
"But why, why are you leaving?"
“There are many reasons, Mia. All my reasons are piled up and I'm confused.”
"Tell me one by one so I can help you."
“Mia,”
"Please J, maybe I can help."
I heard her long sigh.
“The longer I stayed at home, the more I blamed myself for my mother's death. If I had only been there when something happened to her, she might have survived and been brought to the hospital early.”
"You are not at fault and I know that your mother does not blame you for what happened to her. It was all an accident and no one liked it then.” I just want to let him know that he doesn’t have to blame himself for what happened to her mom. He didn't want that to happen and no one wanted Aunt Mila to have an accident.
"But it would have been avoided if I had chosen to stay at home and not hang out."
On the other hand, I understood him. Maybe if I was in his situation I would blame myself too. But he had to accept that it had all happened. Even as long as he lives to blame himself, what happened will never happen again. He didn’t need to leave to be able to think. Whether he was far or near, the effect was still the same and he could only think the same way.
‘Or maybe I just don’t want to accept that he will leave.'
"Mia," he softly called my name and held my hand.
"Will you leave me?"
I heard his sigh as he stared at me.
"I'm sorry," I felt like my knees were tender at his answer.
"Can you not leave?" Please say yes. "Can you just stay?" My tears started to fall.
"I also need to fix myself, my life, and forgive myself for what happened."
"Why, can't you do that when you're here, why do you need to stay away?"
"Because that's what I need, away from things that will make me remind about what happened."
"Did that mean you didn't need me?" He didn't say a word, he only answered me with a sigh. It hurts because it's as if he said 'yes'. "You don't need me anymore do you?" I will ask.
"Not like that, Mia, you don't understand me," he replied. I saw the hesitation on his face as if he wanted to say something but didn't want it to come out of his mouth.
"Make me understand, so I can understand."
He took a deep breath first as he caressed my hand.
"I'm using too much of how you feel just for my own happiness." I frowned at what he said because I didn't know what he wanted to convey. “I admit I am attracted to you at first but not as you are Mia but because I see you as Ade in your actions, the way you dress, talk, and decisions. All of Ade's qualities are yours, most of all ------ you look alike.”
I just felt my tears flow. I was aware of that because he had already mentioned it to me. But why is it more painful now than when he first told me ‘this’? So, does that mean he will leave not because of his mother but because of me and Ade?
"I still see you as Ade and not as Mia."
“I accept it and I did not ask you to look at me for who I am. The only thing that matters to me is that you are there no matter who or what you think of me. What matters to me is that you make me feel that I am important even though I am not really what you see. Because Jr. I'm used to you being there next to me. I'm used to being sympathetic to you. So I don't know who to live with when you're gone.”
The crying I made was consecutive. I no longer care if I look desperately seeking attention. I don't care if I look desperate talking about not leaving even though I have no rights. I don't care what he says or thinks. Because I want him to stay because I still need him.
I need him whenever I need him. I will sympathize with him and understand. I will not leave him and I am willing to do everything for him. If I had to turn my life around on him I would. Because he is the only one with me so I will do the same.
‘Just for him not to leave me.’
It's hard to love someone who loves someone else. Above all the difficulty of loving the person, you love is dead because you don’t know how to prove yourself to him. Because she is already dead, she is still growing.
"Forgive me, Mia."
“Jr, don't do this to me. The only thing that matters to me is that you are there to make me feel that I am important.”
“You have to get used to not having me. We don't have to be together all the time. Mia, you have a life of your own and your World shouldn't just revolve around me. You are the first to make yourself feel valued.”
"Please, Jr.,"
“I don't want to be unfair to you forever. It's not possible that while we're together, I always see only Ade. I want to see you as you, you as Mia.”
I wiped away the tears and tried to steady myself.
“So, it is just an excuse for what had happened to your mother so you can go. Because the truth is that I am really the reason you left?”
"Mia, I've been thinking this for a long time but I just can't leave mama."
I smiled bitterly even though I felt too heavy.
“I will change, I will try to change my habits. It's all mine so that you won't see Ade with me and you'll only see me every time we're together.”
"Mia, you are not the problem, me, I have the problem and not you," he said then touched my face and wiped away the tears.
"So I'll help you as long as you just let me." Even if I look like a martyr, I will do it as long as he stays by my side. I need him because I’m used to him being there and I don’t know how to adjust when he’s gone.
“Mia, while I am in this place I always remember Ade. Every corner of this place, every corner has many memories of Ade and me. Everyone just comes back when I'm with you because I feel like I'm still with him here. Mia, I am still a prisoner of love with Ade.”
"Jr. Ade is gone, but me, I am here."
"That's more painful, he's gone but I see her because of you. I'm just fooling myself and I feel for you too is not for you but for Ade.”
I cried and cried. I still wanted to fight back and force myself on him. But nothing seems to happen either because I think his decision to leave and leave me is complete.
"How will happen to me?" That question spontaneously came out of my mouth. It's selfish to listen but it's not bad for me to ask him that. He is the only one who understands me so how will I be when he leaves? “No one cares on me anymore, I don't have anything to say about what I want to say. I have no ally and no partner.”
I did not hear him and he lifted my head.
"I have no sympathy," I added.
"Your family is there," he replied. "Apart from me, they also understand you."
‘You are the only one there for me, You are the only one who understands me better and then you leave me.’
“Mia, please forgive me if I made you hope. I hope you understand my decision. Selfish may ask but I wish you were still there when I came back.”
How long can I wait?
But that's not the right question, because the right question is -------
Am I really waiting for something?
If he himself said that he could not escape his past with Ade.
"But when the day comes that you find the person who will love you and you will love, I wish you happiness," he added which hurt me even more because it seems that when he left we were releasing each other at the same time.
“I also wish you happiness, when you leave. Don't worry, I respect your decision. I'm not angry because I don't have the right to be angry at a decision that you think will be good for you, maybe I'm upset but I'll be ok too so don't worry.”
“Mia,”
“I understand you, Jr., I understand your decision so even if your departure is painful for me, I will support you. Be careful and I hope you come back to me because I will wait.”
“Promise, I will be back. Just wait for me.”
I poured the rest of my tears into her arms as we hugged each other.