Again
I lifted my head and stare to the white ceiling. I blinked, I blinked twice... thrice before letting a heavy sighed while closing my eyes. I was about to take a nap when I heard my phone beeped.
Even I closed my eyes the image of Magen and his girl still popping up in my mind. Wow, his girl? It's sound good sana kung ako 'yon but nah. I don't know why I'm really affected about it. Like I liked someone too back then but hindi naman gan'to na umaabot sa point na pinanghihinaan ako kumilos.
Is she his girlfriend? I thought he said it's not his thing. I shook my head because it's driving me crazy. I immediately answered the call without looking at it.
"Where are you?" Nagmamadaling tanong ni Lami.
I looked at I.d caller and yeah, I'm right. I sighed bago ibalik sa tapat ng tainga ang cellphone.
I licked my lips "Just here at my unit doing some weird things like staring at the white ceiling and letting a heavy sigh escaped. Why? Do you have any probs?" Umayos ako ng upo bago mag-indian sit.
Pinaglaruan ko pa ang BT21 cooky cushion ko. Denver gave it to me, I'm not really fan of kpop but I know who's BTS in fact I liked their musics and the way they interact with their fans. This cushion looks cute tho. Saglit akong napapikit bago sumandal sa headboard ng kama. I was about to throw the blanket covering my legs when the door of my room opened.
"Hi!" Masiglang sigaw ni Lami bago tumalon sa kama ko.
My brow furrowed, I didn't give her a duplicate of my key card. So, how? I crossed my arm over my chest while watching her throwing her bag at my coffee table. She looked at me and smiled widely.
"Why are you here? As far as I know hindi ako nanghingi ng duplicate ng keycard ko," nilapag ko sa side table ko ang cellphone bago siya samaan ng tingin. "Nagpahighlight ka ng hair?" I asked the obvious.
I noticed her new style of hair. It's highlighted with color gray and bagay sa kaniya. Bagay naman sa kaniya dahil mas lalong umangat ang maganda niyang kunis. Umirap siya bago humawak sa kanan na braso ko at pinilig ang ulo sa balikat ko. She didn't talk, she just remained like that for a minute. When I heard her sighed I immediately tapped her back to make her feel better.
"Lahat kami nila Neejan binigyan ni Chave ng duplicate and yes nagpakulay ako kanina lang tsaka na lang ako magpapablack ulit kapag may flight na," She answered with lower voice.
By hearing her voice it feels like theirs something inside her chest reason why she's suffering. She's my cousin also my bestfriend. Lahat naman sila but hindi ko maiiwasan na si Hailey ang pinaka-main ko sa kanila since halos magkaedad lang kami ni Hailey but it doesn't mean na malayo ang loob ko sa iba. I love them all.
"Why? What happened? Do you have any problem? Is it okay if you share it to me? So I can give you an advice?" Mahinahon kong sabi habang tinatapik ang likuran niya.
Making sure that she will never be afraid of telling me what's bothering her. I also want to open up to anyone.. na nasasaktan rin ako... na malungkot rin ako... na gusto ko rin maglabas ng bigat sa dibdib but I can't... I don't want.
I don't want others to think about my problem. Ayaw ko na dumagdag pa sa kanila. Even I also need the comport that I want... I refused to find it to someone. I just didn't want me to be a problem with them. As long as I can afford not to say anything to others then I will stay quiet because maybe I was born to endure this kind of personality.
She shook her head, I immediate heard her sobbed "Wala naman akong problema.." her voice cracked before hugging me tight "I saw a girl kanina sa isang restaurant. There's a balloons and paper thing. Birthday ata nung babae but the waiter inform her that her f-friends can't attend her birthday celebration. I j-just remembered your birthday w-when you're expecting to your girl friends but no one tried to visit you and greet y-you..." she said with heavy chest.
Nakagat ko ang labi ko ng maalala 'yon. It was when I'm in highschool, I'm not that kind of girl that knows how to socialize that time. So, some of my classmates approached me first and tried their best to be close at me. I'm not that kind of little girl na rude. I also tried my best to be close with them because I want many friends that time. Sino ba ang bata na hindi gusto ang magkaro'n ng kaibigan? I thought they want to be friends with me because of who I am but I'm wrong.
Ginawa lang nila akong atm machine that can gave them a money used to buy some foods and drinks. At first it doesn't matter to me kasi kaibigan ko sila at 'yung simpleng paglilibre sa kanila ay ayos lang but do you know what it hurts the most? 'Yung akala mo kaibigan mo sila but they didn't treat you as one. The day before my birthday, I talked to them and burst out. Ang akala ko after no'n ay magiging maayos na kami. They said sorry and I forgive them easily but... when my birthday came we all turned into a strangers.
"Let's not reminisce that. Losing some of my friend is part growing. I'm fine right now with those who treat me as a friend. I have you... I have cousins. I'm fine with it," I bit my lower lips.
Naramdaman ko naman agad ang paninikip ng dibdib ko. I don't want to forget what happened because I learned something about it. That it's fine, kung hindi nila ako trinato na kaibigan tulad ng pagtrato ko sa kanila. I do have many friends right now that I know treat me as frend too. I learned how to socialize and be friendly because I know how it feels to feel like you don't have. Sa mga parties, kapag nakakita ako ng parang outcast sa group I entertained them and the best thing I learned that I don't need to settle with anyone.
Lami nodded, Umayos siya ng pagkakahiga bago takpan ang katawan ng blanket. She looked at me wearing her beautiful smile.
"I hope we both have the same mindset. You're good at judging people... you're good at forgiving someone kahit na alam mong mali sila. You don't settle for less. I adore how you think. I also know what struggles you encountered while building yourself. The way you dress... It takes you years to be confident with it. I saw how you tried your best to know how you can socialize with others," she smiled and me with her amused eyes.
Naramdaman ko agad ang panlalabo ng mata ko. When I encountered those struggles in life before na maging confident ako sa sarili ko, It's terrifying. My cousins are famous in our campus dahil lahat sila laging kasali sa mga events sa campuss but I'm not because I don't have any more talent that I want to pursue.
Si Lami and Sele ay flight attendant. Si Chave at Denver naman ay parehong civil engineer. Si Hailey at ako naman ay parehas na chef while Neejan is a psychologist. They all take a break this year. Hindi muna sila nag-apply because they want to settle down muna dahil alam nilang magiging busy na sila natulong parin naman sila sa parents nila sa pagpapatakbo ng ibang business while me? I don't have any goal in life and that shit is scary.
Wala akong balak na maging isang chef because I don't really want that. I just fit myself to the standard that my parents have. I'm afraid to tell my parents that I want to be a attorney someday. When my dad always telling me to go and be chef on our restaurant but I refused feeling ko hindi ako fit do'n. Ayaw ko naman na dahil sa'kin ay magkaro'n ng problema do'n by working as a waitress will be my first choice for now.
I just smiled at her. A few minutes later she invited me to drink alcohol at the nearby club. It's her highschool friend birthday and she's free to invite someone so she invited me. During her first question I didn't agree with her reason why she looked surprise but she was too compelled. Gusto ko sana na sundin yung sinagot ko kanina kay Magen na hindi ako gigimik ngayong gabi but why would I?
He left me by the way.
"Heart, what drinks you want?" The birthday girl asked me while smiling at me. She looks cheerful and happy.
I smiled at her before sitting properly on the couch "Beer cocktail will do, Tani," I answered.
She immediately nodded and talk with the bartender. I greeted her earlier when me and Lami arrived here. Mukhang ako lang ang sinama ni Lami sa 'ming magpipinsan because I can't see anyone of our cousins. Tani is very approachable, she have many friends too.
I fixed my color black silk dress while looking at my stilettos. I was about to stood up and go somewhere and find some friend but...
"Poena Heart?" A guy beside me looked at me, I smiled at him and nodded "Oh damn! You're my highschool crush! I didn't expect to see you here. Wait.. Kaibigan mo kapatid ko? Si Tani.." may iilan na napatingin sa'min.
Narito kasi kami ngayon sa VIP room and hindi naman malakas ang background music dahil 'yung iilan ay halos kakadating lang. Nag-uusap usap parin kasi lahat para bang isang reunion 'tong birthday.
My cheeks turned into red when I looked at this guy "A-ah, She's not my friend but my cousin is her friend. So, Ikaw ang kuya ni Tani. She's very approachable ang akala ko hindi.." I laughed because of my own expectation.
"Yes, She really is. Marami siyang kaibigan because of her attitude. By the way, Sinong pinsan mo kasama mo? Are you with Neejan?" he asked.
I shook my head "Nope but kasama ko 'yung kapatid n'yang si Lami. Do you know Neejan? Are you two close?" I asked so we can talk something.
"Yes, He's a good friend of mine. How is he? Wala na akong contact sa kaniya since nung pare-parehas na kaming naggraduate..."
I smiled while looking at my long color red nails "Yeah... He and Denver always have a hickey kapag nagkikita-kita kami. Well he's already a psychologist but next year pa siya magtatrabaho," I answered and looked at him.
He laughed and tilted his head "Your cousin will always be your cousin. Hindi na talaga nagbago 'no? I remembered the times nung may sumugod sa kaniyang magulang because 'yung babae hindi makamove on sa kaniya..."
I laughed too and nodded "Yeah, Psychologist siya pero siya 'yung psycho kung mag-isip. Until now naman, mga feeling highschool and college students parin," I licked my lower lip "By the way, What's your name?" I raised my brow, waiting for his answer.
I saw how his face turned into red when I asked him "Tristan Garcia..." he said and offered his hand.
"Well, You already knew who I am but still... Poena Heart Nazario.." I introduced before shaking his hand.
We talked some things and I drunk my beer cocktail when he told me what he was. He's a teacher! at first It's surprised me because I rarely talk to a teacher. I mean most of my friends are engineer, architect, flight attendants and doctors. He also told me what course he takes and he takes bachelor in science major in social studies. I'm amused while listening at him. Hindi siya nakakaboring na kausap, he also know how to drive the convo we have.
"Minsan nakakainis syempre. Ikaw ba naman magtuturo sa unahan while your students are not listening and just doing some useless things..." he answered when I asked him what he feels like a teacher.
I laughed a bit "Buti hindi ka sumisigaw kapag naiinis ka..." I added.
He looked at me and shook his head "You don't know how I want to shout at them and please them to take the discussion seriously. Alam mo 'yung sa sobrang inis gusto ko na lang maging isang hotdog!" he laughed before drinking the tequila that he have.
I laughed so damn hard, Iniimagine ko kasi siya na nasa gitna ng classroom at nagtransform bilang isang hotdog! I was about slapped his arm when someone stopped me.
My eyes widened when I saw who's stopping me. His eyes is full of darkness and I saw how his jaw clenched while held my hand tightly. My heart began to beat fast and my chest pound heavily. I can't take my eyes off. His expression is now black when he let go of my hands. I smell his manly scent reason why I blinked twice. I swallowed when he combed his hair using his fingers.
He looked at me, disappointed "I... I t-thought you won't go out tonight," It's not a question, It's a statement.
I blinked and swallowed all the nervous I have inside my system "A-ah uh..." nauutal akong tumayo.
My knees are weak because of his intense gaze. I don't why my hands suddenly trembled. He raised his thick eyebrows waiting for my explanation before glancing at Tristan who doesn't care at Magen's presence at all.
He chuckled sarcastically "Liar, huh?" He annoyed said with a frustation voice.
I bit my lower lips because I felt like there's something stabbing my heart "L-lami... my c-cousin, s-sinama niya ako. I'm bored too..." I stuttering explained while massaging my trembling hands.
He stare at me darkly, Bahagya rin na umigting ang panga niya ng mag-iwas ako ng tingin. He looks scary and It's making my whole system scared.
He nodded and looked around, looking for someone. "Where is she? Still lying again, Heart?" He asked and raised his brow.
I immediately shook my head and raised my two hands "S-she's with her other friends and I'm not lying..." I forced myself to not shout.
Ayaw ko kasi sa lahat 'yung binibintang sa 'kin 'yung isang bagay na hindi totoo. I sighed, Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba ako na maupo or manatiling nakatayo. I'm still nervous!
"Uuwi ka sa unit mo?" He suddenly asked while putting his hands inside his pocket.
I shrugged "Maybe..." I answered.
I was about to say something but Tristan stood up and tapped by shoulder. He wave his hand at me, I already know what the meaning of it. I smiled and nodded whilw waving my hand
"Tol, hinahanap ka na ni Phoebe. Kanina pa ihatid mo na raw siya mukhang uuwi na," a guy stopped in front of us and tapped Magen's shoulder.
Who's Phoebe?
Magen immediately nodded and without glancing at me he turned his back. Bigla na naman bumigat ang dibdib ko at bumagal ang paghinga. Gamit ang nanlalabong mata dahil sa pagtutubig nito ay pinagmasdan ko parin siya na palayo.
He keeps on leaving me without any doubt. He left me again as if I could never be the reason for him to stay. I felt like my heart is now turning into pieces. Napahikbi akong umupo sa kanina kong inuupuan. Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko gamit ang dalawang palad bago maramdaman ang panginginig ng balikat. In this world I only want his attention. I want him to notice how I feel for him but why does it seem so hard for him to do that? I used to be hurt but I am not used to being hurt by the person I love. Bakit gan'yan siya? Bakit parang ang dali-dali lang para sa kaniya na saktan ako? Why is he hurting me like this when all I want is to love him? I close my eyes when I felt my tears fell on my cheeks and not willing to stop.
Gusto ko siya... gustong-gusto ko parin siya... kahit masakit na... kahit ang sakit-sakit na.